No Contact Rule - 5 yr relationship

[Jellybean24]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex-bf and I were together 5 years, one year of which we lived together in another country. The last year we were together he basically sabotaged the relationship by acting out (cancelling plans, drinking/socialising the whole time, new female friends out of no where!) so I initiated the break up... highly emotional at the time! The thing is he places a lot of the blame on me for breaking it off, but yet he admitted to his friends that the break up was coming. I'm trying to process the over-whelming guilt and sadness. I'm finding it hard to cope without him. Whereas, he seems to be able to deal with the break-up better because he's focusing on being angry at me.

 

It's been so hard letting go... We're broken up two months now. I feel numb and I can't think clearly. I can barely recall the past two months. I've become a bit of a recluse. We've a lot of mutual friends, so this has created a divide.

 

Guess I just want to know how people are coping with the No Contact Rule and does anyone have any advice?

 

I've finally come to terms with using the NC rule to get over him now, as opposed to getting him back (which some people use it for).

 

I broke the NC rule twice and he broke it once. I think he feels empowered every time he tells me 'its over!' so I'm finally letting him go.

 

 

Day 3.. NC

[Learningtowalkagain]

You need to wipe the slate clean.

 

Delete:

Phone number (important, drunk texts are a horrible idea, I probably would have drunk text'd my ex by now if I hadn't deleted her number)

 

Text conversation - same as the phone number, you're going to scroll through that sucker and analyze every conversation. Don't. Delete it and it's gone. You can't do it.

 

Social Media - EXTREMELY important. You see him with another girl and it's going to kill you. You know it, I know it, everyone on this forum knows it. It's so tempting but it's just going to impede your progress so why bother? Want to know why I'm posting here when I broke up with my ex in January and it was mutual? I saw a pic of her with her new bf on facebook a month ago. Been a mess ever since. I unfriended her, her family, and any friends I met through her. Don't beat yourself up it's not worth it and it's going to take 10x longer to get over him if you stay friends with him on any type of social media.

 

Go to the gym. If you can't get a great work out in just do something. Walk on the treadmill. Stretch. Whatever. It's been my saving grace.

 

I started a journal. Instead of having all these thoughts swirling in your head, write them down on paper. It helps to write it down. I was worried someone would find my journal so I have a good hiding spot.

 

Talk it out with your girlfriends. I'm a guy but I talk to girls about relationships because they understand better.

 

You talk about feeling empowered, know what made me feel empowered? Having the power to delete her from my life, on my terms. She's butthurt, I don't care.

[Phoenixashes]

Day 3 for me, too. I ended things and he took some form of power by blocking me when I already stated I was through. Also blane on me but wasn't nasty about it.

 

Please don't entertain him, especially if he's acting that way. Block everything. You may even have to social media break for a while. You're in a rut.

 

Set short goals. Today I will take a walk...get outside and go somewhere. Go to yoga. Gym. It really helps. This is all chemical. You have to break that tie and get out of that rut and find new patterns to replace what you were used to.

 

It hurts...but it gets better.

[Jellybean24]

Learningtowalkagain:

 

Thank you so much.

 

Reading that felt so good because out of all the people I can confide in nobody seems to be able to relate. I've had the longest serious relationship so far. I don't think many experience true heart break, guess that's why I ended up here. So many people of this forum can relate to how emotionally draining and challenging a break up is.

 

I feel like I've lost a part of myself. You're right though, today a small part of me felt empowered because I made it to day three.

 

I've deleted his number.

Blocked him on fb and other social networking sites.

Feels good that I can't contact him, even if I wanted to.

 

Analyzing texts and his actions I'm completely guilty of. I finally erased them all off my phone... That was hard. He's drinking himself silly but seems to have come to grips with the break up some how. Isn't it horrible how they use social networking sites to hurt you. I always thought he wouldn't do that to me but this guy is basically become a stranger to me now. He's doing things he wouldn't usually do. I feel like my ex has his hot and cold moments...

He's showing everyone he's doing just fine.

 

I can't seem to shake the sense of shame though.. For this relationship failing. I don't know why I even am so ashamed. I can't face meeting people and telling them we're over.

[Phoenixashes]

You had high hopes and that's ok. Even though things didnt make you happy, you stuck it out until you couldn't anymore and had to end things...you may feel guilt over ending it due to how he's treating you after (blame)

 

You may also feel bad how easily he's moved on...seemingly moved on, I should say. Check in with us daily. I dunno about you but the urge to write him gets so strong at night! Write here. Vent here. Little by little.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Learningtowalkagain:

 

Thank you so much.

 

Reading that felt so good because out of all the people I can confide in nobody seems to be able to relate. I've had the longest serious relationship so far. I don't think many experience true heart break, guess that's why I ended up here. So many people of this forum can relate to how emotionally draining and challenging a break up is.

 

I feel like I've lost a part of myself. You're right though, today a small part of me felt empowered because I made it to day three.

 

I've deleted his number.

Blocked him on fb and other social networking sites.

Feels good that I can't contact him, even if I wanted to.

 

Analyzing texts and his actions I'm completely guilty of. I finally erased them all off my phone... That was hard. He's drinking himself silly but seems to have come to grips with the break up some how. Isn't it horrible how they use social networking sites to hurt you. I always thought he wouldn't do that to me but this guy is basically become a stranger to me now. He's doing things he wouldn't usually do. I feel like my ex has his hot and cold moments...

He's showing everyone he's doing just fine.

 

I can't seem to shake the sense of shame though.. For this relationship failing. I don't know why I even am so ashamed. I can't face meeting people and telling them we're over.

 

You're welcome and I forgot to add, post here often. I check in daily, give advice, take advice, whatever. It's a great tool. I can't remember the poster but he broke down my ex's behavior, she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I actually talked to a psychologist and she's text book. I learned all of that here.

 

He may look like he's moved on, doesn't mean he has. Remember, social media people show their happy side, you don't know what's going on with him. Try your best to focus on the things you didn't like about him. Our minds only want to remember the good times, but I was miserable in my relationship and I knew it.

 

Don't feel shame, people break up every day. It sucks. I hate when people ask "what happened to that hot chick you were dating". I just tell them it didn't work out and move on. Most people respect that and don't dig. Short answers work best. If you start finding yourself explaining why it didn't work (I was guilty of this 6 months ago) just stop and change the conversation.

[Jellybean24]

Thanks Phoenixashes! I will. Even these replies are helping me.

 

You're right, that must be where the shame is stemming from.. How much work I put into our relationship and It still didn't work. The shame though, completely threw me off-balance, I 100% would not have predicted THAT was an emotion I would be feeling.

 

I usually want to contact him when something special happens or if I need advice.. But I can't reach out now. He told me numerous times he needs to be alone, I'll respect that. It's just so hard when you lose your go-too-person.

 

I've so many unanswered questions too like why did he do it to me but it's irrelevant now.

[Jellybean24]

You're welcome and I forgot to add, post here often. I check in daily, give advice, take advice, whatever. It's a great tool. I can't remember the poster but he broke down my ex's behavior, she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I actually talked to a psychologist and she's text book. I learned all of that here.

 

He may look like he's moved on, doesn't mean he has. Remember, social media people show their happy side, you don't know what's going on with him. Try your best to focus on the things you didn't like about him. Our minds only want to remember the good times, but I was miserable in my relationship and I knew it.

 

Don't feel shame, people break up every day. It sucks. I hate when people ask "what happened to that hot chick you were dating". I just tell them it didn't work out and move on. Most people respect that and don't dig. Short answers work best. If you start finding yourself explaining why it didn't work (I was guilty of this 6 months ago) just stop and change the conversation.

 

Feeling so low today, learningtowalkagain. Went to my home town and just had to leave because I don't want to meet people and tell them we're broken up. Whereas he has already told people we're not together anymore. It's so hard letting go but yet he seems to be able to let go so easily.

Social media is a curse sometimes, apart from this forum. I was with my friend the other night and she checked his fb page out of her curiousity to see was he still adding all these new female friends and he is. These girls are just popping up out of no where it really hurts...

[dyna85]

If there is one take away, I would say stick to 100% NC early. Do not look at social media and tell your friends you don't want or need to know. What you don't know can't hurt you. This is extremely critical and most people bypass the whole social media no contact point because there's such easy access to it and it provides temporary relief at times. However, seriously, if you ever hope to move beyond this guy, it's what you absolutely must do. The sooner you do this, the better.

 

 

What kind of friend tells you what is happening with his FB page? Tell her to knock it off and if she doesn't, avoid her. That's not good for you. At all.

[Jellybean24]

Ya, I am a firm believer in ignorance is bliss. Seeing his fb page was such a wake up call. I need to move on... its just such a big part of me doesn't want to because he meant so much to me.

 

My friend is protective over me so she wants me to really hate him and get passed this. But it set me back so much in my progress.

 

He's trying to move on and its really affecting me. I just feel so disrespected, that after 5 years he moves on this quick.. for everyone to see. He's making it so public.

 

So many were jealous of us when we were gf and bf. All those people now are laughing at our break up. It's been so hard to deal with, the entire thing.

 

My plan is to find a job I enjoy and move away.

[aloneinaz]

Listen, the biggest thing I'm reading in your posts is you're WAY too worried about what other people think! Who cares! Life's so much more fulfilling when you can get over that. You're also catastrophizing your thinking about everything here. I know it's easier to do but talk to yourself RATIONALLY. I'm fantastic in catastrophizing things but have learned to turn down the volume.

 

 

Don't worry about what he's doing. Of course he's going to make his life look great on social media. If he's truly spiteful, he's going to start posting pictures of him and other girls together. By BLOCKING him on everything and telling your friends to keep their observations to themselves, it won't impact you.

 

 

No one is looking down on your because your relationship failed. Yes, people like to gossip but again, who cares. Relationships implode all the time as do marriages.

 

 

You need to be kind to yourself. Grab ahold of your rational thinking here. Think with you brain not your heart. Having gone through this 2 plus years ago and having been on this site off/on over the years, here's what works to heal and move on.

 

 

1) NC. Out of sight, out of mind. Nothing will hold you back more than to engage in LC. You have to go strict "out of sight, out of mind".

 

 

2) Block everything and everybody that may include links to him on social media.

 

 

3) Avoid places you may run into him.

 

 

4) Time passing with NC, no little birds whispering in your ear what he's up to, etc.

 

 

When I went through it last, I was hardcore NC. I vanished from my exes life. She heard nothing from me. I avoid anywhere I may run into her. Out of sight, out of mind worked for me. After the first month, I was feeling better. After that, I kept letting time passing and the NC allow the feeling to fade. After a while and KNOWING I'd never date her again, I started to casually date again. A few months later I met my now 2 year GF who lives with me and I couldn't be happier.

 

 

You'll be fine, I promise. MILLIONS of people have been where you are and came out the other side fine. Keep posting here and reading threads.