Moving On and Will He Regret It?

[topsailbeach]

Hi,

 

First time posting. These threads have been helping me get through my breakup which happened almost 3 months ago, so thank you. Now I wanted to share my own story and ask for advice and help moving forward, as I'm really really struggling to move on from this devastating breakup. Sorry it's a bit long.

 

My ex and I were together 6 months. Of that 6 months, 5 months were the most wonderful time I (and he said the same) have ever had. At the beginning, he asked me out and pursued me very hard, because he said he knew from the beginning that "we were a good match" and that "he just knew we should be together." (background: this was his first relationship and he is 28). During that time, he couldn't stop talking about me, talked to all my friends for advice (we work together, so everyone knew he really really liked me). He was always talking about how I was "worth waiting for" and that he had "never met anyone like me." For this first two months, we were dating but not very serious b/c I didn't feel such sureness - he was very different from my usual type, and I have some trust issues from prior relationships, but because he was so sweet and affectionate and treated me so well, and through thick and thin seemed to prove that he had a wonderful character and was a GOOD person, I began to trust him, and about 2 months in made the conscious decision to let down my walls, let my guard down, and really let him in.

 

After that, the relationship blossomed. We had so much in common, loved being around each other, intimacy, etc. Also to know, I was his FIRST (at 28) - he had never been with anyone else before. And that gave me some pause but didn't even matter to me because I cared about him so much and was touched that he wanted to wait for the right person. But on every front it was going really well. Everyone who knew him before knowing me said they had never seen him so happy, that he loved me so much, etc. About 4 months in, I said I love you first, and he didn't even hesitate and said I love you in return. And it was just natural, we had no barriers, no walls. No games. No power struggles.

 

His background: his parents split when he was young, grew up with his mom, and he hates his father (for reasons I don't fully know), and when he was in high school told his dad he wanted nothing more to do with him and hasn't talked to him at all since, and doesn't even know where his dad is living right now. I remember thinking this was a little bit of a flag, but i also thought it made him the person he is - he'd been through so much and had so much respect for women, etc that I thought that his struggles in life had made him a wonderful person and really developed his character.

 

I met his sister, he unprompted said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We were talking about children and planning our lives, etc.

 

Then, trouble began in the last month of our relationship. His work position was finishing up and he was planning to apply for another job that would either keep him in the same town or farther away (i.e. a flight or a long drive away). I wanted him to be happy so I never told him he had to stay in our town, but because he is a workaholic on occasion he would drop communication when really caught up with work etc (i.e. he wouldn't text for a day or two bc so busy, but then respond), I started to worry that if we were long distance the communication issues would become magnified. So I began raising that issue more frequently. Finally, things came to a head when I needed help running an errand, and even though he said he would help me, he was complaining about how tired he was and how much work he had to do, so I blew up (this was after a month of getting more frustrated at his work style and poor communication), and said that if we were having such difficulties in the same town, how were we going to make it long distance, that if I was such a burden to him, maybe I should take that burden off him (I'm hot-tempered and was just really hurt and angry), etc. And I also said that I "wasn't happy like this."

 

The next day we met up and had a 2 hour discussion. He was crying, I was crying. He had clearly been stewing over what I had said the day before, and all of a sudden said that he didn't know about our relationship any more, that he hadn't slept at all the night before, and that he didn't know if he cared for me in the same way that I cared for him. But he said he still loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He also said that he had "never before questioned this relationship," but now he was. And that when I said those things in anger, that he would 'never talk to someone he loved in that way.' So then he said that he needed "time and space" to think about everything.

 

He disappeared for a week with absolutely no contact. I texted him within a few days profusely apologizing for what I had said, explaining that I've been really stressed and tired at work too, that I was just very hurt, how much I love him, how much I want to work on our communication and believe in this relationship. No response. A few days after that (after he had a big presentation at work, mind you, which he had been prepping for), he got in touch w/a cold text, had me meet him in a cafe, broke up with me saying "you don't understand me and no matter how much you work on it you never will." He didn't say it openly, but when I asked him if he still loved me he said, "no." When I asked if he had missed me he said, "at first i did, but then I didn't, and that's how I know." and when I asked him if this was a never, he said, "yes b/c I know myself and will always be second guessing myself." He also said, "I realize this may mean that I never find someone who's the right match for me."

 

After that, I went NC for a month. We work together but I luckily didn't run into him. We had to go to a wedding a month after that and he was totally a stranger, totally cold, avoided me completely other than a bit of light small talk. His personality had completed changed (from deep and gentle and thoughtful to superficial, gossipy, talking about how he was partying, etc). I was so hurt by this, I also stayed away from him. A few weeks after that I sent him a long email without any accusations, just explaining what the relationship had meant to me, that I had loved me more than I had ever loved anyone else, that I accepted the relationship was over since obviously it made him deeply unhappy, and that I wished him well, even though this breakup had broken my heart. I fully expected no response as I kind of just wanted to lay out my feelings (since during the breakup I was so blindsided that he handed me the decision and basically walked away - I didn't get a chance to share any of my thoughts). But he wrote back very shortly just reaffirming that he "knows he made the right decision for me, and on further thoughts, made the right decision for us" (which is infuriating b/c I did not cosign this breakup at all, and it's fine if he says he made the decision for himself, but don't act like you did this as a kindness to ME as well). He then said he hoped I'd find someone who's a better match and who can give me love. And that was it. I didn't respond, and haven't heard from him since. I see him occasionally at work but mostly I go out of my way to avoid him b/c I'm still so emotional.

 

It's been 3 months and I still cry about him, still miss him. There was nothing materially wrong w/our relationship other than some communication issues that needed, ironically, some communication. My temper flare was brief and I apologized almost immediately, and the flare happened ONCE or TWICE during a really stressful month at work. But he had clearly been bottling issues that he didn't share, but then chose to share by breaking up with me.

 

My questions are 1) why did this happen? 2) how can I move on when he's still around and I know he's single, just would rather be ALONE than be with me, and 3) would someone like this ever regret their decision? He went from being the most tender, loving, gentle man, who was incredibly open about his emotions (in a way no guy has ever been with me), seemed to adore me, respect me, to being a cold machine who walked away without a look back.

[pidgeon1010]

Be careful of a man who acts too eager in the beginning and seems too good to be true because chances are he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming. This is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

 

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be so into someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

 

BEWARE OF THESE SIGNS: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first.

 

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it.

[ravfour4]

Pidgeon, your response was eye opening. My ex did the same thing, I became her soul mate instantly, she told all her friends and family, posted pictures of me every where, talked about marriage etc. then as you probably know from reading my thread, she disappeared just as quickly.

[mtnbiker3000]

Yeah, my ex was pretty motivated out of the gate as well. Think she 'monkey branched' before and after me. No surprise there. We did last 3 years though, so maybe she was trying to break her cycle? Who knows and who cares?

[pa888]

Same thing happened to me. He fell for me at the speed of light while I took my time. It seemed like by the time he finally got an "I love you" from me 4 months later, he became busy with school and work and stopped giving me any attention or effort.

 

I think people like our ex's have an ideal vision of relationships and that they'll find the most amazing person and everything will work out on its own. They don't realize that it doesn't work that way and that relationships are a lot of work.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not our ex's will regret their decisions, because we deserve someone who will want to put in the effort. The best revenge against our ex's is to live well, so keep going strong! you've already done well these past 3 months