Different attachment styles?

[jenlynn]

Hello,

 

I was curious if anyone has had any experience or perhaps knowledge on attachment/bonding, etc. I believe my break up and the aftermath has been hard for me due to our (my ex and I) different styles.

 

This is what I have observed and know about myself. I have never attached quickly to anyone/anything. I may be attracted to someone but that doesn't mean I fall in love easily, quickly, etc. However, over time I will bond with someone and eventually become attached to them. At this point, it's a very deep, unconditional attachment and it isn't severed easily. Even though, my break up was a blindside and has left me with heartache, I still feel deeply attached and I love my ex.

 

His style, or at least what I have observed, is that he can attach easily and quickly to those around him. He will form bonds, etc. At the beginning of our relationship, he was the pursuer, talked about marriage first, said 'I love you' first, etc. But then when he became bored, emotional distance, etc. it appeared that he was able to easily severe our relationship/his attachment to me.

 

For a person that takes their time to attach and bond with someone deeply, this has been particularly devastating. Any thoughts, professional knowledge, experiences?

[mightycpa]

I think it is more of a spectrum than it is black or white. In other words, you might be a "lifetime" person, or you might be only a "20 year" person. You don't know yet. On the other end of the spectrum, the time periods are probably shorter. We all know people like that, who fall in love with everybody they date, and when they break up, it's the end of the world until they meet the next person.

 

I'm pretty sure that's how it works. But what I'm not sure about is the other variable, which is the person that everybody gets involved with. I've seen the "long-termers" fall in and out quickly, and I've also seen the "jumpers" settle down. Did they change, or was it a function of who they met?

 

I don't know. I'm not sure it matters. You're going to love who you love; it's not like you choose that.

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

I was curious if anyone has had any experience or perhaps knowledge on attachment/bonding, etc. I believe my break up and the aftermath has been hard for me due to our (my ex and I) different styles.

 

This is what I have observed and know about myself. I have never attached quickly to anyone/anything. I may be attracted to someone but that doesn't mean I fall in love easily, quickly, etc. However, over time I will bond with someone and eventually become attached to them. At this point, it's a very deep, unconditional attachment and it isn't severed easily. Even though, my break up was a blindside and has left me with heartache, I still feel deeply attached and I love my ex.

 

His style, or at least what I have observed, is that he can attach easily and quickly to those around him. He will form bonds, etc. At the beginning of our relationship, he was the pursuer, talked about marriage first, said 'I love you' first, etc. But then when he became bored, emotional distance, etc. it appeared that he was able to easily severe our relationship/his attachment to me.

 

For a person that takes their time to attach and bond with someone deeply, this has been particularly devastating. Any thoughts, professional knowledge, experiences?

 

Without knowing more about each of your histories, this is difficult to pin point? How long were you together? How old are you and he?

 

The fact that he seemed to easily detach at times and other times easily attaches, indicates an abnormal attachment style. Yours does not appear to be abnormal necessarily. So this may not really be a case of differing attachment styles. A couple can have differing attachment styles, but they still are attached/bonded to each other. Attachment is there, just different for each. The attachment or bond does wax and wane.

 

What is his childhood history and relationship to parents/family?

[Carm]

OP,

 

 

Curious to know how long you were in a relationship with him?

 

 

I am your BF and my BF is you. Not to say I fall that quickly but over time I have fallen for my BF and I think he has fallen for me although he hasn't said it, his actions tell me he is. From my end, it's been very frustrating at times, feeling like I have to eat a lot of humble pie so just thinking he may have dealt with the same and just thought it would never get there.

 

 

There's not a lot you can do for next time, it takes you time to fall and that's fine but finding someone who is patient may be key here....if this is was the reason of your breakup that is.

[Redhead14]

And, it may not be about attachment style at all. There are a couple of other possibilities. What was your dating history, how did things progress. How did he date you? Were you on the same page about what you each wanted for yourselves out of your dating experiences? I mean did he say he just wanted casual and you were seeking a relationship and kept dating him hoping he would change his mind? Did he date you inconsistently? Those kinds of things.

[Itspointless]

]I don't know. I'm not sure it matters. You're going to love who you love; it's not like you choose that.

Actually it does matter a lot of you are insecure attached or not. Unfortunately people who are insecure (the anxious attached and the flavours of the avoidant attached) are for some cruel reason often attracted to each-other. And yes I have experience with that. Knowledge about your own style can be a lot worth if you do not know that you are not secure as others. For secures it indeed does not matter much, as they tend to form healthy bonds even as they were enjoying life before with a lot of relationships. Unfortunately a large part population did not have great models concerning attachment in their childhood.

For a person that takes their time to attach and bond with someone deeply, this has been particularly devastating. Any thoughts, professional knowledge, experiences?

Why don't you start with this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

[Redhead14]

Without knowing more about each of your histories, this is difficult to pin point? How long were you together? How old are you and he?

 

The fact that he seemed to easily detach at times and other times easily attaches, indicates an abnormal attachment style. Yours does not appear to be abnormal necessarily. So this may not really be a case of differing attachment styles. A couple can have differing attachment styles, but they still are attached/bonded to each other. Attachment is there, just different for each. The attachment or bond does wax and wane.

 

What is his childhood history and relationship to parents/family?

 

The attachment or bond does wax and wane but it doesn't detach all together.

[mightycpa]

Actually it does matter a lot of you are insecure attached or not. Unfortunately people who are insecure (the anxious attached and the flavours of the avoidant attached) are for some cruel reason often attracted to each-other.

I'm not sure I understand this...

 

Insecure attached = both avoidants and clingy?

 

meaning you believe that clingers are drawn to people who will eventually bail?

 

It sounds like a chicken and egg thing, but I think that the clingy person is always the egg, and the chicken will eventually drop the egg. Just about everybody eventually gets rid of clingy people; even clingy people can't stand that after awhile, and the less clingy of the two will begin to see that they are carrying the load, causing them to act, as you put it, avoidant.

 

Again, not sure I really understand what you're saying.

 

From a relationship view, clinginess is a cost, and not a contribution, and therefore it can't be sustained forever. It is too costly, this coming from what you'd probably call a secure attached person.

[Itspointless]

meaning you believe that clingers are drawn to people who will eventually bail?

 

It sounds like a chicken and egg thing, but I think that the clingy person is always the egg, and the chicken will eventually drop the egg. Just about everybody eventually gets rid of clingy people; even clingy people can't stand that after awhile, and the less clingy of the two will begin to see that they are carrying the load, causing them to act, as you put it, avoidant.

 

Again, not sure I really understand what you're saying.

 

From a relationship view, clinginess is a cost, and not a contribution, and therefore it can't be sustained forever. It is too costly, this coming from what you'd probably call a secure attached person.

It unfortunately is not my believe but actually a scientific given. On websites it is often described as the anxious-avoidant trap. It also is a common mistake to only blame clingy people, as independence (also unhealthy independence) in western society is more appreciated. Independence is often celebrated as true autonomy while in many cases it actually isn't. If you search for it in psychological literature a distinction is made between self regulation and auto-regulation. Self-regulation is healthy, auto-regulation is not.

[Redhead14]

Attachment styles in emotionally healthy individuals don't usually tear a couple apart. It's when one of them is emotionally unhealthy that causes the problem. Analysis of attachment styles in couples usually only addresses what happens between two assumably healthy individuals.

 

Attachment disorders are actually only diagnosed in childhood and exist at the childhood "level". What happens is that the disorder morphs into something else depending on the experiences an individual has after the age of cognition. Depending on their experiences, the emotional availability is compromised and often co-morbid issues begin to evolve as well.

 

The issue she's asking about won't be able to be figured out here. There is so much more that needs to be known and observed that we won't be able to do here.

 

I simply recommend that the OP start to focus on herself as an individual and focus on her current needs. She needs to go out and find herself again. She's probably lost herself in all this for a while. She should go out and have some fun

 

As this thread twists and winds, she's really never going to get an answer and it will only serve to keep her mired in the past rather than moving forward for herself.

[Itspointless]

Attachment styles in emotionally healthy individuals don't usually tear a couple apart. It's when one of them is emotionally unhealthy that causes the problem. Analysis of attachment styles in couples usually only addresses what happens between two assumably healthy individuals.

 

Attachment disorders are actually only diagnosed in childhood and exist at the childhood "level". What happens is that the disorder morphs into something else depending on the experiences an individual has after the age of cognition. Depending on their experiences, the emotional availability is compromised and often co-morbid issues begin to evolve as well.

 

The issue she's asking about won't be able to be figured out here. There is so much more that needs to be known and observed that we won't be able to do here.

 

I simply recommend that the OP start to focus on herself as an individual and focus on her current needs. She needs to go out and find herself again. She's probably lost herself in all this for a while. She should go out and have some fun

 

As this thread twists and winds, she's really never going to get an answer and it will only serve to keep her mired in the past rather than moving forward for herself.

She is asking about attachment styles and while I agree with your point that there could be many other factors, it is never too late to learn more about your own attachment style. Especially (!) if she wants to learn more about herself. Also as an attachment style is not an disorder.

[kismetkismet]

Yes that sounds exactly like me and like 90% of the guys that I date! Part of the reason i date them is because of their persistence in the beginning, as i don't attach easily, i also don't put in a lot of effort in the beginning. But once I become attached then I pour everything into it. It can be difficult when in a relationship with someone who is the opposite of that... or when that person moves on more quickly than you do.

 

Unfortunately I found people like that to be emotionally immature over time.. or flakey (to me). More romantic and not realistic enough.

 

However my most recent relationship was with someone more like me... doesn't fall in or out of love easily, and I was more the pursuer in the relationship which I am really not used to. But our mutual difficulties with expressing love, and with pushing relationships forward caused the relationship to lag.. We are trying to work on things a bit now (after 4 months of being apart) so I still have yet to see which combination works better...

 

I am thinking probably something more in between than these two extremes.. but we shall see..

[jenlynn]

Thank you all for your replies, questions and contributions.

 

Just to answer a few of the more simple questions:

 

We were together three years and lived together. We had a house, a dog, mutual friends, talked about the future and our dreams/wants/needs/desires appeared (constant sharing of dreams, values, vision, future plans) to align until all of a sudden they didn't.

 

This happened when he was 29 and I was 30. He is now 30 and I'm 31. We both come from stable families meaning both sets of our parents are still married after 30+ years.

 

My view of this as time has gone on is; he requires a lot of stimulation- always wants to be out socializing, doing/going while I can be at home and read a book for a few hours. I think it might have something to do with contentment and stillness. I'm more at ease with these while he struggles. I've had a lot of people tell me that 29/30 is 'young' for a guy to settle down, etc. I'm not sure if that's completely true. Again, I believe it depends on a lot of different factors.

 

Also, since he was the one that wanted the break up, maybe the explanation is as simple as he was ready to move on, try something different, etc. Perhaps, he had been detaching for a long time and I just didn't notice though I consider myself fairly perceptive/intuitive.

 

I would say it's fairly common for the dumper to want to break, not always provide a lot of explanation and avoid vs. the dumped who yearns for more explanation/closure.