was I wrong? could I have done it differently?

[sadpanda3]

So I've just been reading this thread -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/535822-did-i-do-right-thing-denying-friendship

 

about this guy who seems to have problems with his ex-girlfriend wanting to "punish" him. This kind of got to me because during my last break up...well, I was that ex-girlfriend. And it made me wonder if I was just being immature.

 

To give the background story. After going out with some of my friends we got into a fight. Well actually not a fight. He just calmly told me he had met a girl while going out (he didn't know her before, but she's a friend of a friend so he knew how to reach her) and he couldn't get her out of his head. His friends had "confided" in him that this girl has a really huge crush on him, and he talked to her for about a quarter of an hour. I listened without saying anything and then he asked me if I could still live without him. My jaw dropped and I asked him why. He said it's because you never know when a relationship might end. I just answered I could live without him, kissed him good night and went to sleep.

 

The next morning I told him I'm not ok. That I'm really angry at him. And that I wanted to be alone and not see him for a while. He didn't understand why. He was surprised I was angry. Maybe I exagerated, I don't know but at the time I felt really hurt. After that we didn't talk for days. He did make an effort to fix things but I really didn't have it in me to forgive him. I cut him off from my family and friends and said I want to take it slow for a while since he broke my trust. After that he broke up with me. Saying he still couldn't get this girl out of his head and didn't love me anymore.

 

After the break up he decided to keep in touch. As "friends". He sent me selfies!?, some random crap from the internet, called me, did me favours and tried being nice while at the same time he would always give me updates about his crush. That made me really really angry and I decided to "punish" him. So for two months I used this so-called "friendship" to guilt him. Telling him he did me wrong and I'm never going to forgive him (which is actually true), that he's a shallow a** and I'm so much better off without him. Now I know this part was really childish. I didn't really do it on purpose I just always ended up being upset and lashed out at him. I went no contact as soon as I got an apology but I know I should have done it from the beginning. Even though I hate him myself I'm scared he will hate me because of my behaviour. And I'm wondering if there's anything I could have done differently before the break up. I could have been a loving and understanding girlfriend but instead I decided to distance myself?

 

I always feel that if I didn't get angry I would have ended up being a doormat, but I still feel guilty for not trying to communicate better.

[d0nnivain]

No you didn't do anything wrong. Your anger in that situation was appropriate.

 

 

The guy in the other thread had a GF who was saying she just wanted to be friends but then she was giving him a hand job through his pants before sending him into another room to finish the job. She was playing games.

 

 

You were straight up pissed.

 

 

In your case your BF practically told you that he was dumping you for this other girl. In the other thread, the guy said he was unhappy in his present relationship & said he liked another girl. Unlike your guy, he wasn't talking to this other girl.

 

 

Having an emotion is fine. Running hot & cold, not knowing your own mind, & playing games are problems. You're not doing that. You stuck up for yourself that is all.

[RainDown]

Sorry, but yes, "punishing" people when you are not happy with their behavior is generally wrong and destructive. While it's fine to say "I'm not happy about what you said/did and this is why", it's not fine to say "I'm going to punish you now in order to make myself feel better about what you said/did".

 

He was honest with you. He told you he'd met another woman and couldn't get her out of his head. Good for him. Many men would just carry on behind your back. He gave you the information, which allowed you to make a choice to stay or go. You went. I think where you went wrong was in not going far enough away. Your desire to "punish" him should have told you that you were not ready to step back into friend mode with this particular person. We don't punish our friends. We care about them and support them. If you can't do that then the best thing to do is step away.

[minimariah]

I could have been a loving and understanding girlfriend but instead I decided to distance myself?

 

not really -- as soon as he mentioned a crush on the other girl, it was over. when folks bring it up -- they either bring it up to give you a hint that they want out OR because they desperately want to work on your relationship and let go of their crush. judging by the way he "confessed" to you -- in his case, he did it for the reason #1 so there is nothing you could have done.

 

next time - go straight NC. it was wrong to punish him through the friendship but if it makes you feel any better, i doubt he cared.

 

i personally agreed to stay buddies with one ex but the minute we broke up, i lost interest to hang out with him anymore so he eventually stopped contacting me once he realized he was always the first one to reach out.

 

communication in relationships can only do so much. if a person doesn't want to be with you... no communication in this world will help that out so there is that.

 

and i find it in an extremely poor taste that he felt the need to update you on his crush, seriously....? what planet is this dude from?