Just ended it. Numb but Ok

[Phoenixashes]

I made a long post but was signed out and lost it.

 

 

I just ended a 2.5 relationship...both early 30s. I feel completely ok with my decision, it's been a long time coming...In the beginning things were great. We were a team. He was very guarded (tough street upbringing, military) and I was the complete opposite (empath, nurturing) He courted me and slowly our walls went down. He appreciated me. Told me frequently how special I was and how he hated the thought of someone like me ever being mistreated. I had an abusive relationship in the past.

 

Lo and behold, things changed. We had a big argument during the first year and I was done. He said something I wasn't about to tolerate (reminded me of something my ex would have said, put me in a bad place) and I immediately blocked him on social media and that was it...until he came apologizing....the I love yous, you're special...I took him back two weeks later. I think that set the stage of my treatment, my own fault.

 

Over time he stopped being kind. His words grew more and more cruel. If I even mentioned being hurt by things he said or did, I'd get "oh, stop playing the victim. So it's all my fault, huh? I'm the bad guy? Yeah, ok. " Then he'd stop speaking to me...days...weeks. I'd of course be the one to reach out to make peace and things would be good until I dared to ask him to consider my feelings with what he said. I was always quick to apologize...ALWAYS...even if I wasn't wrong. Him? It's like he was insulted..."Stop dwelling on things. You need to move past it." I wanted to keep peace...when thing were good they were amazing...bad? He shoved me away and carried on as if I didn't exist. Where was my teammate?

 

He started school and went back to military as a second job. Stress. He started taking out his stress...I helped him understand a lot of his assignments, links, corrections (he was feeling a bit low over how badly he did in high school and lacked confidence) but I helped him build it up. There for him to vent. Soon I felt like a glorified psychiatrist, it was all about him. His work. His school. The military. The police situations (also a cop) He was so grateful at first...how he was blessed to have me in his life...then even that stopped. He got confident and moved on from needing my help with school work, which I loved but it seemed he got...cocky I guess? When he was stressed he had no issue cursing me out; name calling. My self-esteem plummeted. I'd beg him to just talk things out, not be so cold. He'd say "Stop being so emotional." "I have enough stress, I don't need yours." I questioned every thing. Myself. I even felt suicidal at times. I had my own personal issues with family, losing my job, medical situations. I felt hopeless.

 

As time went on, he moved from simply ignoring me when I upset him to adding girls on social media and talking to them. Things were good? Nothing. As soon as we had an argument? Lo and behold. New girl! Carefree conversation as if he didn't care I existed. Make up? No more comments. I told him it seems as if he doesn't care if I stayed or went since he reached out to find these placeholders. He said he did but will "compartmentalize" if need be. How he's not nor has been an emotional person like I am and we see the world through different eyes. I had suspicion about a few girls but it always started another argument. He'd delete them, say they meant nothing and that was that. I had a gut feeling over one, an online mutual friend...He said he was tired over me bringing her up, he blocked and deleted her and I did the same.

 

Last straw? Two days ago he sent me a few sexy videos he recorded earlier. I noticed every one was 17 seconds long. "Did you record these on messenger?" I asked. He said "no, why do you think that? I edited them for space." I mentioned the time being exactly 17 seconds each one just like messenger's time limit and he said "oh well." And dismissed it. My gut rarely is wrong. Stupid me should have asked for the full video. I know for a fact he recorded it on messenger and...I have no idea who he'd sent it to. He got so angry at me. "You're the only one I messenger with!!"

 

I told him I was tired of being dismissed and pushed away and his verbal abuse and being the only one trying. Only one to say sorry... He went off! On and on about how I'm the first person he's let in his walls in years, how actions speak louder than the words he says and how even that's not good enough. Essentially flipping it on me. How if I feel he's being abusive to leave, he's never changing his ways.

 

Then he started ignoring me. Again. I just had enough. Today I deleted him on everything. Left him a note goes I wished him and his family well but I wasn't happy and being treated how I deserved. He made it clear he won't change or cares to change...All I asked was for him to be attentive and stop speaking to me how he does. The idea of him sending sexual videos to another girl killed something inside me. He's a member of police and military groups (is both) and who knows, maybe he met some girls on there.

 

I know I gave my all and I don't expect him to return. Too much pride. Not like before. He got used to me being one way, the one to return like a dog with its tail between its legs after a beating. I know I was kind, loving, nurturing and I'm angry at myself for falling into another relationship where I was hurt and stayed because I kept thinking it would go back to how things were. I think I also stayed out of routine...someone to spend so much time with, workout with, initmate with...but it's died. I havent even explained it correctly, he made me feel so worthless. Like we would both see a blue sky and he'd argue it was red and have me second guessing myself.

 

Before I would be a sobbing mess but now...I don't even care. That may change but I made a list of pros and cons and the cons were a mile long. So few pros beyond "companionship"

 

Thank you for reading.

[Meli22]

You absolutely did the right thing. When somebody makes you question your own self worth, it's time to walk away. I'm glad you had the courage to do that, well done you will get over this. It's good that you recognise already that you didn't deserve it and I sense a hint of relief from your post. Onwards and upwards x

[Phoenixashes]

You absolutely did the right thing. When somebody makes you question your own self worth, it's time to walk away. I'm glad you had the courage to do that, well done you will get over this. It's good that you recognise already that you didn't deserve it and I sense a hint of relief from your post. Onwards and upwards x

Yes. Relief is a good word. I just feel. ..numb. not a fan but I take that over pining away. Trust is big for me. Once it's broken and I have evidence of, I'm done. :/

[Meli22]

There seems to be a lot of reasons for this relationship ending. You did the right thing. I can relate to the numb feeling, I felt like that for a little while after ending my relationship.

[aloneinaz]

Sorry this happened to you again. Relationships can be real mental health testers, for sure.

 

 

If I may, I suggest you take some time to reflect on yourself and look inward. You need to identify why you stay in abusive relationships that are clearly toxic and dysfunctional. It was something I had to do after I put up with a nut job ex for far too long.

 

 

I hope you have the discipline to stay the course here and not re-engage w/this guy anymore. Read on this site for the next week and you'll discover what works (NC) and what doesn't (having any contact with the ex).

 

 

You need to worry about you. Do some introspection on yourself and address issues you may uncover. Try and stay NC to heal from this. It will help you recover much quicker.

 

 

Post as you need to here. Lots of nice folks trying to share from their experiences.

[Phoenixashes]

There seems to be a lot of reasons for this relationship ending. You did the right thing. I can relate to the numb feeling, I felt like that for a little while after ending my relationship.

 

Yes! When you're in it, and used to it....it's almost normal in a sick way.

 

Aloneinaz you're so right. I tend to draw a lot of hurt people I guess? I read an article about empaths and the negative type pf relationship they often get into. I guess in some subconscious way I feel I can fix them and they reach out to be fixed. Bad combination.

 

We started out as very good friends. Best friends even. I'll miss that but I love myself more. My last relationship was 5 years of verbal abuse and after being engaged, it got physical toward the end. I never thought he ever could.

 

Thankfully I disengaged and seeing the signs made it easier. How someone knows what you've been through, shuns it and does the same...how?? In any event I should probably block him as well. No use trying to see if he read my message, it's done.

 

Mutual friends...what of those? delete and avoid?

[Phoenixashes]

Kinda feeling dumb. He texted me that my decision was fine but I was jumping to conclusions. I said I felt ok with it. He asked if I had any animosity and I said yes, I was very angry. He apologized.

 

He suggested instead of ending things, taking a couple months to "work on ourselves" and then reunite. I immediately said no. He said "ok. Take care. Goodbye."

 

I won't lie. Part of me is like "why didn't you take him up on his offer? Maybe he knows you're serious and he will lose you forever." Another part is quite ok...so I think that's that. I don't feel the need to do anything more but heal and better myself for ME.