A year later, a lot has happened, now she is back on my mind?

[Fix]

Why is she suddenly back on my mind in a big way?

 

I have felt so much better for the past six months or so, I'd think about her here and there but I was doing great compared to the six months previous. Now the past few days she has been back on my mind non-stop...

 

During the year we have been broken up I spent the first six months basically an emotional wreck, desperate to get her back. I was flicking from hating her with a rage to heart breaking pain I missed her so much. During all this I was sleeping with basically any girl that I could, I don't even know why really... Then after around six months of that I met a girl I decided I liked enough that I wanted more than just sex with her... I've been seeing her for the past six months, she is officially my girlfriend... I have not seen or heard a thing from my ex in around nine months. Our last conversation she told me how she had attempted suicide, we text for a day or so about it... She told me she wanted to be friends... Then she went ghost... After a week I messaged her and she told me she didn't want to be friends after all and didn't want to talk any more...

 

Being with my current girl has helped me move on, or so I thought. The problem is I don't think I love my girlfriend, and now even worse the past few days I have been thinking about my ex a lot. I miss her, I miss talking to her, having fun with her, I miss her family... Just all of it, it's all come back.

 

My current girl is crazy about me, she loves me, but now all I can think is 'She's not my ex'. Why have these thoughts come back? Is it that I kiss my ex, or is it that I miss that bond and feeling I had with her? More that I miss the idea of her than actually miss her?

 

Is it me that is the problem? I felt like I changed a lot in the past year, grew in quiet a lot of ways, my confidence at points sky rocketed and I felt unstoppable. Now I think that was all just part of the emotional roller-coaster that I was on. While I do feel stronger and more capable than before, I also feel that I have stagnated. I go to work, I come home and go online, watch some tv and text my girlfriend. We live an hour apart and both work full-time so we see each other once or twice a week... But I don't feel that spark with her that I did my ex. On paper she is much better for me, she's stable and capable and she loves me... My ex was very unpredictable and we had a turbulent relationship, it was really stressful at times...

 

I feel lost again, and now I'm in a situation where I miss my ex and risk hurting my current girlfriend and I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry this is so long, took the chance to get it off my chest. If you read and have anything to say then please do.

[aloneinaz]

Reading your post, two things came to mind.

 

 

1) Your new GF isn't providing something you need in a relationship. If you're questioning that you don't love her after 6 months, in all likelihood, she's not the right one. You may have "settled" for her as a means to try and fully get over your ex (rebound).

 

 

2) The limited things you described you ex as makes me wonder if she suffered from BPD. It seems relationships with damaged, emotionally screwed up women can take longer to fully recover from. Google BPD and you'll see how intoxicating and addictive those relationships can be. While we know they are not healthy nor good for us or our mental health, they are like a drug addiction and it takes LONGER to get over them fully.

 

 

On some levels, I think you're overthinking the ex. If you look at it rationally, you know the relationship was probably toxic and massively dysfunctional. Some people love chaos in their lives. Question yourself if you're one of them.

 

 

You may just be having a strong "withdrawal" wave from you crazy ex. No different than a drug addict who's been clean for a year. Something triggers your brain and you can't stop thinking about getting high. It will pass if you let it.

[Ariess10]

For this reason it's always better to deal with the breakup head on.. Getting into a relationship before you have full dealt with the last one will eventually come back to bite you.. This is why I am not gonna get in a relationship until I can look my ex in the eye and feel nothing .. If u was you I would let your new gf know how you feel, no point in being with her if you don't love her .. Then deal with your ex by being alone for awhile .. Good luck

[GoBlue]

Yeah - I understand what you are going through and it is pretty normal. It's also normal to look back at a relationship with rose colored glasses convincing yourself that it was much better than it actually was. You are a rational being and you are not a slave of your thoughts. You may not be able to control what pops into your head but you can decide what you will concentrate on. Here is the truth - your ex-girlfriend left you as an act of her will and she's probably not coming back. Your current girlfriend deserves your honesty or you are going to end up hurting her in the same way you are hurting now. Loneliness can convince us something is true even when we know it is not. I hope you will persevere and really take a look at why you need a relationship so badly in order to feel whole. Using people for sex and staying in a relationship that you have no excitement for is not helping you and actually hurts others. I hope you find healing and a strong foundation upon which to build the rest of your life. Everything turned for me when I decided to truly surrender my life to God instead of playing religious games. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Meli22]

There's no time frame on heartache. And if your relationship was emotionally toxic in any way like one poster mentioned, it will take longer to get over. My relationship was a little toxic I'd say and it makes it so much harder to move on from so I understand you totally. You mentioned sleeping with a lot of girls to get over your ex. Doing that usually suppresses our feelings and emotions and so we never face the problem head on. I was dating a guy briefly a few weeks ago and called it off because he was too full on. My ex has been on my mind so much since then and I know it's because I had been suppressing the thoughts whilst dating this other man. Maybe your new girlfriend is a rebound, maybe she's just not the one, who knows. But it's good that you recognise the issue you're having. Maybe take some time out alone with no women at all so you can deal with the loss and be ready for when the next girl comes along

[Fix]

Well you are all right about the relationship with my ex being toxic, at least at first. She showed alot of BPD traits, but she was never diagnosed as far as I know. She would have crazy mood swings, make fights out of anything that would last for days and then when it was done she would switch right back to being loving as if nothing had ever happened... I eventually convinced her to get help, she did, and it worked well for her. She grew in confidence and with this decided it was a good time for her to cheat basically.

 

I feel like I supported and stuck with her through all of the hard times she had, and then as soon as she felt stronger she essentially spat in my face. Maybe that has something to do with why I feel so frustrated and let down? Like I've been ripped off, I tried so hard with her to help her get healthy and deal with a lot of issues and then when I'd served my purpose she ditched me.

 

From what I gather after we broke up she was seeing the guy she was cheating with for a few months, behind his girlfriends back I should add, before he bailed on her and went back to his girlfriend... Around this time is when she texted me to talk about the suicide attempt. She had a break down and took an overdose and was committed to a mental health unit a couple of times for short stays.

 

To simplify things the way I see it is when we met she had problems, together she got healthy, then we end and she has a break down. When she was unwell the relationship was near unbearable, to the point I had forgotten that you can have a relationship without all that drama. The crazy intense side of it became normality for me... And it seems she has gone back to that, or at least she had when we last spoke... So knowing that, I know I couldn't be with her like that again even if it was an option, I couldn't go through all of that again...

 

So why am I still thinking of her this way? When she was happy and things where going well she was exactly what I wanted, but I only ever really had her in that good way for short bursts, before either her mood would turn.. Or as in the end, I got a few months of her being great but then she was cheating on me...

 

I don't even know if it's that I don't want to be with my current girlfriend, or if it's just that I'm not used to a relationship without all the drama that it feels strange to me?

 

I'm feeling really lost in life and love... But I was feeling fine and doing well? Is it maybe just because I know it's almost a year to the day that we broke up it's back on my mind? That's all I can think of.

 

Well, again I'm just rambling.