Frustrated

[Miles13]

This is gonna sound weird, but 3 1/2 years ago I met a girl who is 16 years younger than me (at the time she was 20 and I was 36), anyway, we met in a molecular biology lab and really hit it off. The more time we spent together I could tell she was really into me. I kept my distance due to her age but this only seemed to make her want to be with me more. We continued spending time with eachother and eventually rented an apartment together. Over the course of the first year, I maintained my distance and wasn't invested whole heartedly in the relationship. To be clear, I really enjoyed being with her. She's smart, ambitious, funny, beautiful and an attentive companion. I could tell she really loved me but for self preservation sake, I couldn't let my guard down... I just couldn't figure out what she saw in me and common sense told me she was too young for this to be anything serious. We ended up living together for 2 years when she told me she wanted to split up. She said that my emotional chill was the reason. Going against my better judgment, I opened up to her to tell her how I really felt. I told her things I should've told her long ago but couldn't. To be honest, it was the best relationship I'd ever been in. We got along amazingly and never really argued about anything. We traveled all over the country diving, fishing, hiking, camping, staying at bed and breakfasts and the list goes on... We had an amazing time with eachother and have made numerous memories together. Anyway, we parted ways and she started coming back around. She'd stay at my place most of the week and we spent just as much time together as we did when we were living together. Then in late January, she told me that she still wasn't happy with our relationship and wanted to see less of eachother. I was heartbroken but had no choice but watch her walk out the door. We remained in contact and continued to see one another.... But it was different, she seemed more distant but still wanted to carry on like we were still in a relationship. Confused, I'd often let my emotions get the best of me and ask her where she saw this going...she says she doesn't know and doesn't know what the future holds. I took this information and moved on thinking that if she really wanted to be done, it'd be done, but yet we still spend time together and are still sexually involved. This past April we took a trip to Florida where I thought we could bond again. It seemed so comfortable with her, it was like we'd never had any problems, but once we were back home, it was back to the same old routine. We still get together frequently and talk everyday. She still tells me that she doesn't want me to go anywhere and that she still cares about me, but today I came across an ad she posted in the missed connections section, apparently she was looking to connect with someone she was in line with at the checkout stand who she hadn't the courage to interact with. This was an eye opener... She's actively seeking someone else, so why can't I get over it and get on with my life!? I'm so tired of being on the back burner! I know that I should bail out while I still have a shred of dignity,but my heart has other ideas.... Any advice is welcomed!

Edited July 1, 2015 by Miles13

[pidgeon1010]

She is keeping you around until she meets someone else. When she does, this thing you two have going on will be done. Protect yourself and go full no contact. You obviously want a committed relationship and she's out there trying to find other options. The writing is on the wall.

[aloneinaz]

Yup, you're being a professional door mat, her plan B, etc.. Clearly, she keeps you around while she's actively trying to find someone she CAN get serious about and settle down with.

 

 

That's a HUGE age gap to overcome. She's 24 and obviously wants to sow her oats and have many more men experiences before getting married. You're at an age where you want marriage and to settle down.

 

 

You can play this one of two ways. If and I mean "if" you can emotionally disconnect from her, keep doing what you're doing. Use her like she's using you WHILE you're aggressively dating. You need to find someone more age appropriate that is also looking to settle down. View her as a friend w/benefits (which she's viewing you as). There's nothing wrong with getting the opportunity to have that with someone so much younger. But, again, DATE and find someone you can get serious with and then stop seeing this girl. She's going to do the same to you.

 

 

You're other option is to stand up for yourself and tell her you're not going to be her fill in until she falls for the next guy. Then, vanish from her life.

[frigginlost]

Yup, you're being a professional door mat, her plan B, etc.. Clearly, she keeps you around while she's actively trying to find someone she CAN get serious about and settle down with.

 

 

That's a HUGE age gap to overcome. She's 24 and obviously wants to sow her oats and have many more men experiences before getting married. You're at an age where you want marriage and to settle down.

 

 

You can play this one of two ways. If and I mean "if" you can emotionally disconnect from her, keep doing what you're doing. Use her like she's using you WHILE you're aggressively dating. You need to find someone more age appropriate that is also looking to settle down. View her as a friend w/benefits (which she's viewing you as). There's nothing wrong with getting the opportunity to have that with someone so much younger. But, again, DATE and find someone you can get serious with and then stop seeing this girl. She's going to do the same to you.

 

 

You're other option is to stand up for yourself and tell her you're not going to be her fill in until she falls for the next guy. Then, vanish from her life.

 

^^^ That!

 

OP, it sounds as if you have been her doormat too long and she is completely used to, and dependent on it.

 

Listen to what aloneinaz is telling you as he is on the money.

 

If it were I, I would ghost her.

[Miles13]

Thanks for the input everyone, I know what I need to do, but for whatever reason, it's easier said than done. It sucks watching something that was good slip away!

[GoBlue]

I believe that in your heart you knew it would get here eventually from the very beginning of the relationship. A twenty year-old girl dating a 36 year-old man is not going to be a long-term situation the vast majority of the time. She is comfortable with you and you are comfortable with her, but did you ever really think this was leading to marriage if marriage is even what you are looking for? What is it that you want from her?

[mightycpa]

You know what to do. You have to tell your heart to go to hell, and do what's best for the both of you.

[Miles13]

@ GoBlue. I guess deep down I knew that it couldn't last, but the longer we were together, the more I appreciated her qualities. I know it's cliche to say, but she truly is advanced for her young age... And very career career motivated. As far as marriage, I wasn't thinking along those lines, I got divorced several years ago and was taking it one day at a time and enjoying life in the process. I would have been open to it down the road, but marriage wasn't formost on my mind..or hers as far as I know. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together but as @ mightycpa said, it's time to tell the heart to go to hell and do what's best for both of us. I still haven't figured out how to break it off completely. I feel that after all we've been through, she deserves some kind of formal declaration of termination. Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's input, thank you!