Ex keeps having doubts

[Vermilllion]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here, I just created an account because I'd love to have your input on my current situation. Any thoughts/experiences with similar dilemmas are much appreciated Sorry this is so long...

 

My ex-fiancé and I were together for 9.5 years, lived together for 3. We're both 26, if it helps. He broke up with me on May 2nd. Our relationship wasn't good towards the end. I was depressed, mostly due to being overweight, and never really went out anymore. He'd go everywhere without me and we lived seperate lives. My sex drive was much lower than his and he expressed how much this bothered him all the time.

We were having financial difficulties as well, since I only worked 10 hours a week and couldn't find a better job. Eventually he cancelled the lease on our apartment to prevent us from going into debt. He was really quick about it and it felt like he wanted to get away from me as soon as possible.

 

He did, obviously. I had no other choice but to move back in with my parents, he's now done the same. I quickly figured out that I wanted him back and tried to talk to him about it. He wasn't sure, kept telling me "we'll see". A few days before the lease was up he took me to our old apartment to see our cats, and he told me he did want me back. We both spent the night there together one last time.

 

His birthday was a week later and I got him a few small gifts. He said he wanted to discuss what our next step would be that weekend, and that he thought things were going very well. But my happiness was crushed again: he'd changed his mind, things were over. I was furious (especially because we were stuck at the old apartment cleaning it for a few hours after he'd told me...). The second I got home he texted me some inane stuff. The same thing happened the next day. I ignored them all until the next day, when he asked me something about our cats to get me to answer. Then he started calling me every day. The next weekend, he once again said he DID want to get back together and that he did want to be with me.

 

This pattern keeps repeating itself, with some changes on the way. He said he wanted to slowly rebuild our relationship by going on dates and doing fun stuff together. We planned a day to the zoo. The night before, he picked me up with his car so we could talk in private. Everything went well until we got back to my house. "Don't let the negativity of this statement scare you, but... I don't want a relationship anytime soon," he said. He was spending all his time on his hobbies and friends and he wanted it to stay that way for a while. I freaked out internally, we went inside to talk some more. He did agree to exclusivity right away when I asked.

 

Our day at the zoo was fantastic and I had a great time. We even went to dinner afterwards. I thought he'd loved it too until I saw him again a few days later. He had THE BIGGEST WALL up around himself and pushed me away. He wanted less contact, things were moving waaaaaay too fast, etc. And looking back I get what happened: I pushed him into acting like we were a couple again while we were at the zoo. Even though he'd expressly told me that wasn't what he wanted the day before. He did go along with it but apparently he wasn't happy in retrospect.

So I backed off, stopped contacting him as much. That weekend I asked him if he wanted to do something and he said he didn't really feel like it. Ok, I replied, I understand. Half an hour later though, he wanted to video chat on Skype and THEN immediately said he'd like to come over anyway. He did and things were looking up again.

 

You guessed it - that scared him off once more. We had another talk. He repeated his "I don't want a relationship right now", which until then I hadn't taken too seriously (I think this is the main problem myself). When I asked, he did say that he wanted to rebuild in a few months' time and that he does think his future is with me. He wanted his space right now and even less contact. I'd still been calling him too often for his liking and he wanted time to be single (we're still exclusive however, he added), focus on his work/school and hobbies/friends.

He jokingly asked me if I'd already found someone better looking, richer and smarter than him. Was that his way of asking me if I'm interested in anyone else??? Or was he projecting?! I didn't really know what to do... I told him I would give him the space he needed and that I wouldn't rush him into anything. He looked incredibly relieved after that and opened up a little more. BUT. BUT, he also told me he always regrets having sex with me after it's happened, and that I'd have to be the one who makes him think before it happens again (since my sex drive is 10x lower than his). I'm well aware that this is probably the worst sign of all, and it does worry me he said that.

 

In the meantime I've lost 28 pounds, I'm eating healthy and working out 2-3 times a week. I also found myself a fulltime job. He's impressed with these changes, brings them both up every time I see him. Maybe he's afraid I'll gain the weight back (has happened in the past), maybe he wants to wait if my positive changes will stick or not. When I went to tell his mom about my new job she already knew about it, which means that he is actually talking to her about me.

 

I haven't seen him since last Wednesday. I haven't called him but I text him every other day. He always replies quite eagerly. He even initiated a text conversation yesterday after we'd already talked a few hours before that. But I was a bit too excited during that final talk and he never answered the last question I asked. Coming from him that doesn't necessarily mean anything - he's NOT good with texting, never has been.

 

Yeah, after typing all of this out I can guess what everyone will tell me. I know there's a great chance he's simply stringing me along, using low contact with me as some sort of training wheels to learn to live without me and I'm being a complete idiot. But he asked for space and I'm giving it to him right now, sigh. Giving him an ultimatum would only reinforce his doubts and I don't want that. What do you guys think? Ever been in a relationship with someone like this? If so, what ended up happening?

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm going to be blunt with you and I hope you understand it is not coming from a place of sarcasm or meanness. I want you to look at things from this point of view which is where I suspect his attentions are.....

 

You were overweight, lethargic, had little zest for life, working 10 hours a week while he shouldered the provider burden, uninterested in having sex or making love with your intimate long term partner, and he finally checked out Just as you did long ago.

 

He loves you but feels he was enabling you and since he left you lost a bunch of weight, have sex with him, even initiating with him, pursue him more by phone or text, interested in him again as a man, and now have a full time job. I also imagine you are invested in life again and having other interests, pursuits and relationships outside of your bf relationship...life is interesting to you again so naturally he doesn't want to mess up your progress so he keeps you at arms length because while he is attracted to the new you who is probably the you he fell for in the first place, he realizes it could all go up in smoke once you get back together.

 

Look, you checked out on life and your relationship and most importantly yourself. Now you are regaining all of that and it is attractive and he is encouraging but he would not be a critical thinker of he didn't think it could all go away if you become complacent in your relationship and life again.

 

You must figure out why it took all this upheaval for you to check back into your life and then you must figure out what you are lacking within yourself to allow yourself to feel ok with being overweight, barely contributing financially and making your bf live in an almost sexless relationship. You need to find out why you as a grown woman who had the ability all along to be sexual, contributing full time financially (really think about if you did your best or tried everything before or if you were just telling yourself that since you were comfortable letting someone else take care of you financially) and fit. Get to know yourself and make sure your life never slips again into complacency or mediocrity.

 

Share with him what you learned about yourself and why you allowed yourself to stop trying.....and be honest. Maybe then you two can start to repair some of the damage you have done. When we stop caring about ourselves and others , it erodes trust. Your bf no longer trusts that you won't become the woman who checked out of her life, her relationship and her financial pride of being a contributor.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited June 30, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Vermilllion]

Thank you so much. I can't believe I couldn't see his point of view before now that you've written it out! I'm glad you're not afraid to be honest with me and that you took the time to reply.

 

He has told me that he's afraid to get back in a relationship with me because things may go back to how they were before. I get why he feels that way, I mean why wouldn't he. I'll have to show him I won't allow that to ever happen again. And even then it could still be too little too late - that kills me. I wish I'd changed things years ago.

 

I know I really messed up and I completely understand why he wasn't happy. I wasn't happy either. I guess I just felt so depressed (and at times suicidal) I didn't care about anything anymore. He could be very emotionally abusive at times because (I think) he was always afraid of commitment to begin with and felt trapped with me. He didn't know how to deal with all those things.