mossycup Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Without going into the story, I'm trying to deal with being with a man who was absolutely clear in his commitment to me until one day he bolted, telling me he was never sure, he could have loved anyone, and now wants to be alone. We had been engaged and were just about to move in together. Everyone who knew us said we were good together, we thought we were good together, we felt absolutely sure of each other. We rarely fought and then always from a grounded place, were completely respectful of each other, made committed weekly time for each other but never became excessively attached, had great sexual chemistry, shared all the same values, could talk about all of our feelings and work through emotions, and considered each other best friends. The only warning signs I can think of was that maybe he said it too many times that we were perfect - was he trying to convince himself? He still lives at home and said his life at home was perfect, he didn't need me, but thought I was an addition to his life (which seemed healthy). I'm going crazy second guessing every loving moment of our relationship (which was basically almost every moment for 1 year and seven months) and I feel like I'm being ripped apart emotionally by a reveral and betrayal so extreme that no one in my life can help me make sense of it. Everyone is as confused as me. I don't know whether he is afraid to move away from his family, or whether he truly never loved me. During the break up he said I was the perfect woman, but that he wanted to be alone. I said, you can be alone as much as you want in our marriage (I am very introverted and liked that he wanted to be alone alot). He said, I want to be completely free and not answer to anyone. That he just wanted to love people as friends and be spiritual and alone. Our whole relationship I gave him so much freedom, and I thought he was excited to grow with me (we are both late bloomers in our mid 30s). Now I just feel like I was either played, jerked around or betrayed. Sorry if this is not making much sense. I can't make any sense of it. Also that was a month ago and the only contact I have had was an email from him contragulating me on a work project I posted on my work facebook page which he follows. It was written in the style you might write to a business acquaintance. Edited May 30, 2015 by mossycup more info Link to post Share on other sites
SLee Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'm sorry you're going through this. My break up made zero sense to me. Unfortunately, break ups often don't make sense. I doubt it was sudden for him, at least in his mind. He may have gotten cold feet, afraid of commitment, or something like that. I can't be sure and neither can you. The best advice I can give you is to not try and pursue answers. You're likely not to find any or the answers you get will hurt more. I learned that the hard way. In time, the good memories of the relationship will just be a pleasant memory and won't come with any hurt and regret. I'd liken it to good times with a friend that you're not close to anymore. You remember the awesome times you had with a friend YEARS ago, but the friendship faded as often happens. All that's left is a pleasant memory to look back on. Not a perfect analogy as friendships are quite different than romantic partnerships, but hopefully my point came across. Remember the good times when you're ready to. Learn from this experience and in time use it to grow in yourself. The fact that he said you're the "perfect woman" was probably something he said to try not to hurt you. Not that you AREN'T wonderful, as I'm sure you are, but dumpers say these things to try to not hurt your feelings as much. Problem is that it doesn't help or only serves to make you more confused: "If I'm so perfect and wonderful, than WHY are we breaking up!?", for me anyway, it just made the pain worse. He wasn't ready to commit, so he wasn't perfect for you. Keep up with not contacting him. His contacting to you doesn't mean anything. Keep your family and friends close. Vent. Mope when you need to. Do something new and fun. Meet new people. Post here on LS. All those things help, and helped me to grow as a person and keep myself focused on the future. All the questions and confusion I had started to not matter anymore, because they don't matter. Other posters have posted this, so you may have seen it. It helped me immensely to know I wasn't alone: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Link to post Share on other sites
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