na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 This is something he said to me throughout the relationship, variations on the line: "I just want you to be happy" "All I want is for you to be happy" "More than anything, I want you to be happy" etc etc. And even now, as we discussed our failed relationship twice since BU, he's told me "All I want is for you to be happy". It feels like a load of BS and also hurts hearing it even though it shouldn't. Anyone else get this from their ex? Since BU, he hasn't checked in at all and he told me the last time we talked that he doesn't want to talk anymore and we need a long time without contact before it's okay to become friends again. Because of this, the "I just want you to be happy" line infuriates me to no end because he's brought me depression and frustration and all the awful breakup feelings. Hoping someone else can relate. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Yeah I cant sort of relate. My ex said during our break up "You're a great person you deserve to be happy".. He said this along with some hurtful, nasty and weird things. I think it's just to ease their guilt. I did the dumping however, but I felt I was being forced to. He knew he had really hurt me. Sometimes people say it sincerely, sometimes out of guilt. Depends on the person/break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 "I just want you to be happy".... ugh! So condescending. You're right, if all he really wanted was for you to be happy, he wouldn't be breaking up with you. He broke up so HE'D be happy, not you! Just as bad: "You deserve better." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Yeah I cant sort of relate. My ex said during our break up "You're a great person you deserve to be happy".. He said this along with some hurtful, nasty and weird things. I think it's just to ease their guilt. I did the dumping however, but I felt I was being forced to. He knew he had really hurt me. Sometimes people say it sincerely, sometimes out of guilt. Depends on the person/break up. I never thought of it as a guilt thing - that's very interesting and makes sense. I could definitely see that. I also got the same lines as you so I understand. It's so weird how so many people use the same awful lines during a breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 "I just want you to be happy".... ugh! So condescending. You're right, if all he really wanted was for you to be happy, he wouldn't be breaking up with you. He broke up so HE'D be happy, not you! Just as bad: "You deserve better." I also got "You deserve better". Everything that he told me was such a cliche. I think he used all the possible lines - even "it's really not you, it's me" which was the worst cliche of them all. It may be true, but the reason he broke up with me was because he fell out of love with me so obviously my mind is going to jump to it being something about myself. I just wish he was more honest, even if it hurt to hear. I hate being fed lines that have been used millions of times before... Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Did he give reasons as to why he fell out of love? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I used those words myself. Sometimes you are not compatible with someone and you realise how much the relationship is hurting both of you. In those times going your separate ways is best and you hope they find happiness with someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Did he give reasons as to why he fell out of love? He struggles with depression and he's in a rut right now that he's finding it hard to get out of. Because of this, he told me he is not fit to be in a relationship and also being in the funk that he's in made him realize that he doesn't feel the things that he used to. He said that he still cares about me, but he isn't in love with me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Similar thing happened to me also! Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I used those words myself. Sometimes you are not compatible with someone and you realise how much the relationship is hurting both of you. In those times going your separate ways is best and you hope they find happiness with someone else. It's good to hear that in your case it was legitimate. I hope it was with mine as well. I'll never know for sure since I don't have his mind, but maybe he was telling the truth. I think because of his actions and indifference it feels fake - but I'll never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Similar thing happened to me also! Really? I'm sorry to hear that - it's very hard! Are you doing any better right now? When was the BU? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Been on both sides, each time It was meant genuinely . i think the hurting part is clouding the matter . Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) I'm feeling better yes. It was 2.5 months ago. We took a break a month or so before that, during which he "realised" what he had lost, and that he had lost track of us. He came back but then went weird again. It was me who walked away, but I had put up with him distancing for around 4 months prior. He even told me he doesnt think the sun shines out my a** anymore and that he didn't want to be affectionate with me! He could not explain any of this, but still assumed it was my fault rather than just accepting that he had lost interest or w/e. I built up a lot of resentment because I felt he was just dragging me along and hurting me so much without having the balls to just end it. This resentment made the situation a lot worse. I also started to hate myself because I felt unworthy and responsible (despite not doing anything). Anyway, since I've had time to reflect back on my relationship and with some therapy, I have realised how controlling and manipulative he was during our relationship. He blamed his shift of feelings on me, and then on him. It was all very contradictory and messy. I did a thread somewhere called Anger/Realisations. I had hit the anger stage at this point and was thinking "WTF! I can't believe I put up with your sh** - I'm surprised it wasn't MY feelings that changed!" I feel a bit more relaxed now. If we ever talk again though, I'll be sure to speak my mind because during our time together he always made me feel like everything was my fault, and somehow twisted things to make ME say sorry for things I hadn't done. He had some issues I think, with a lot of things. Wow sorry for ranting but yeah.. I feel ok now. I'm looking forward to the future more, my emotions have settled and I am regaining my confidence. It still hurts but its bearable now Edited May 25, 2015 by Meli22 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na27 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm feeling better yes. It was 2.5 months ago. We took a break a month or so before that, during which he "realised" what he had lost, and that he had lost track of us. He came back but then went weird again. It was me who walked away, but I had put up with him distancing for around 4 months prior. He even told me he doesnt think the sun shines out my a** anymore and that he didn't want to be affectionate with me! He could not explain any of this, but still assumed it was my fault rather than just accepting that he had lost interest or w/e. I built up a lot of resentment because I felt he was just dragging me along and hurting me so much without having the balls to just end it. This resentment made the situation a lot worse. I also started to hate myself because I felt unworthy and responsible (despite not doing anything). Anyway, since I've had time to reflect back on my relationship and with some therapy, I have realised how controlling and manipulative he was during our relationship. He blamed his shift of feelings on me, and then on him. It was all very contradictory and messy. I did a thread somewhere called Anger/Realisations. I had hit the anger stage at this point and was thinking "WTF! I can't believe I put up with your sh** - I'm surprised it wasn't MY feelings that changed!" I feel a bit more relaxed now. If we ever talk again though, I'll be sure to speak my mind because during our time together he always made me feel like everything was my fault, and somehow twisted things to make ME say sorry for things I hadn't done. He had some issues I think, with a lot of things. Wow sorry for ranting but yeah.. I feel ok now. I'm looking forward to the future more, my emotions have settled and I am regaining my confidence. It still hurts but its bearable now I don't mind the rant - it was actually what I needed to hear! My ex wasn't ever manipulative and didn't blame things on me - but he always had a sense of indifference towards me and the relationship which I knew from the get-go but chose to ignore because I'm an idiot. Either way, our situations are similar because we had to deal with an ex who lost interest. I also understand the issue of feeling like I had to say sorry for things that were clearly his fault just to keep the relationship going along. I think you are very strong - for dealing with this but also for getting help through things like therapy (which I've been starting, calling up places for appointments and whatnot) and for coming to these realizations that you have. Thank you so much for sharing your experience - I'm really glad that you did! Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) You're welcome I think also when people lose interest it is so easy to blame ourselves. After my BU I was agonising over not feeling good enough, and wondering why. I sacrificed a lot for him to accommodate his needs. And it explains the anger I felt afterwards; I changed into somebody I wasn't so that he would feel more secure. This is one of the main reasons I started therapy, to get me out of that mind set. The esteem takes such a beating when they push us away and stop affection. My therapist is helping me overcome that because we can't help but take it personally. My ex had ended a handful of relationships (shorter ones) in the past because they didn't have that "thing" (he couldn't explain the thing) about them, although they were lovely people. He said with me he had finally found everything he had been looking for. That changed after 18 months because I was no longer "the one". But life goes on. Edited May 25, 2015 by Meli22 Link to post Share on other sites
imbax Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Yes, when my exgf broke up with me. She was in tears and told me she just wanted the best for me and wants to see me happy. She wants me to fulfil everything I have ever tried in life. At that time I was happy to hear her say this, and I put my hand to her chest and told her my real happiness is if I can share my life with her. She smiled and said I know, but she can't be with me. Since then I haven't heard from her ever since 5 weeks post BU. starting to think she only said those things to ease her own guilt Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 breadcrumbs... screw him! NEXT !!! Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I have said that to my ex a lot of times during the RS, the BU and post BU and all of those times I has being sincere. During the RS I said that in moments of low self-esteem as I always though she deserve to be happy any way. During the BU I said that because if she isn't happy enough with me she deserve to be happy any way. After the BU I keep saying the same because every time she seemed and stated that she was not happy and, even after all that happened between us, I still felt that she deserved to be happy by any means as any other human being deserve. Yeah I was stupid enough to say that even after she cheated on me and forced the BU, but well I don't regret it now Ultimately everybody deserves to be happy even thought that line may hurt a lot at particular times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Unlucky_I_Guess Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I got the same speech during my last BU. It hurts when they say that, because it shows they are completely done with the relationship but want you to be okay with it. It's meaningless and a lot of the time they just say that to feel better about themselves. This probably sounds pretty negative, but I'm in an incredibly bitter mood right now. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I think all that cr@p is in the dumper's handbook. It's like we all went to a class that told us to say those lines. You hear stuff like that in books and in the movies, but it's total BS. My ex said, "I need to let you go, so you can find someone who truly deserves you." I'm pretty sure he got rid of me so he could find someone else, and he did really soon after. I doubt he's losing any sleep over me finding someone else who deserves me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 It's something people say to try to soften the blow. Look at it this way: you at least date nice people who even as the relationship is ending are not mean spirited jerks who wish you ill. Doesn't make it hurt any less but it is a good thing in the long run & says alot about your ability to pick quality people to date Link to post Share on other sites
tylerj Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 To me it seems somewhat condescending. It may well be true, but too often it comes as a script rather than real answers that - to me at least - might make a relationship breakup easier to take. 'I need space to find myself and I want you to be happy' is the worst kind of breakup speech. Just tell me you don't love me anymore or you don't find me attractive, that you've found someone else, or you miss being single, or you want to experience more relationships. Just be honest! Grrr I'm in a good mood today, though :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Stercrazy Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 My favorite is "I love you but I'm not in live with you". Statements like these I feel are a copout. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I used those words myself. Sometimes you are not compatible with someone and you realise how much the relationship is hurting both of you. In those times going your separate ways is best and you hope they find happiness with someone else. I've used those words also and I really did wish them happiness. I don't understand why anyone would question it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I've used those words also and I really did wish them happiness. I don't understand why anyone would question it. Because sometimes people aren't always being sincere. I've had that said to me along with some really bitter stuff at the same time too, ie "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I think it depends solely on the person. Link to post Share on other sites
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