Living the Nightmare

[emotionalMess]

Its Complicated.

 

So what goes around came around. I was in a LTR which went south. Started an emotional

relationship (not physical) with another which went on for a few months. I pulled away before the relationship were to turn physical. She was distraught and pinning. One day she blocked me from Social Media. I realized that I loved her deeply and not just from the

rejection. It was real. I did all I could to salvage with clingy-ness then went N/C. This occurred about 1.5 yrs ago. I have since broke it off with the LTR, been single and working on myself. It took a year or better to get over her, or did it?

 

Two days ago, a bad scenario (I think) occurred. I am nobody's judge but I am expressing what is in my mind here and to paint a picture.

 

I saw her walking out of a restaurant with a guy.

To me, she looked really horrible, exhausted and very unhealthy. She had a balding spot near her forehead for which more hair is gone since I saw her last. Her complexion was pale, and skin had many blemishes.

The guy was a loser. I describe him as aging, short, (5'8 200 lbs) 50lbs overweight, migrant worker type (sorry, just telling what I saw).

 

I'll describe myself a little. I'm a successful white collar professional, a good humble person. I've been working on myself for a year

have become and become even more attractive then before the split.

Women of all ages are attracted to me (20's,30's, 40's and beyond). Trust me, jaws drop, and eyes widen uncontrollably.

 

I was in my truck, I wasn't sure it was her at first then pulled toward her and she said hi "emotional mess" .

The guy was creepy-ish, he sort of slid out of view and into his crappy little car like some kind of sex offender hiding his identity.

She stayed out on passenger side and said, "this is my boyfriend". Keep in mind, I had no control what was going to come out of my mouth.

I said "Congratulations". And something like "okay bye".

 

Today, I feel the pain of square one, however I know it's much of it is pride and shock. I am trying not to over-analyze. My mind wants to race with over-analysis but I am catching myself.

 

The emotional priority in my mind is sadness over her well-being.

 

One of the reason's why I loved her so much was that she was so accepting and non-demanding. She accepted me

for me. But she was extremely needy and was a boyfriend hopper type. She could not be alone.

 

My worst nightmare was that during my N/C, she would hook up with a loser. Welcome to my nightmare.

 

I know its none of my business.

 

Is it possible that she is happy and he is a good person with goals and treats her right? That is what my heart wants to believe.

 

She has no idea that I have been single and have had my own place for over a year. She had my phone# but I blocked it for some months so she may have tried to contact, not sure. My last attempts at contact were a year ago via facebook - I don't know if she read my messages because

she shares her password with boyfriends. My account was blocked, by her or her boyfriend, not sure. I deleted my facebook account after the block. I tried calling her around that time and it went to VM, I also sent a text.

 

I have no idea when her latest relationship started. Could have been shortly after she dumped me or last week, I have no idea.

 

She knew I loved her. She doesn't know I probably still am. I just was not available to her at the right time.

 

My instincts tell me to rescue her from that misery. Take her in, draw her a bath and nurture her back to health.

That's who I am. Resentment aside, I care about her well-being and she looks to be in some kind of hell.

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to contact her.

 

Everyone here will say, don't let this cross your mind any further but I'm going to ask anyway.

What may be going through her mind?

 

I remember long ago when I broke up with someone who really loved me, she took it very hard. I knew I made the right choice so that breakup had little impact on me. What could possibly be going on in that mind?

 

My fantasy was that she would wait for me as I said I would get out of my LTR as I did. True Love does not exist, for me at least. Love scars, love hurts. There are people in this world who believe

in it. To all the ladies out there: There are knights in armor who will love you forever if you believe in them as they do you.

That is real.

 

Someone on here is going to tell me to go get her. Please don't.

 

The good news is, I slept well last night. That's a good sign right?

 

Thanks LS people, its been a while.

[emotionalMess]

Pain is already subsiding only after a few days. I'm starting to truly not care!

 

I'm proud of myself! 6 months ago I may have been fully devastated for months.

 

Why waste another moment appeasing my ego for someone who doesn't want me? It's a common sense paradigm which only comes with time, experience and the wisdom that you are what matters first and foremost.

 

People, trust those here on LS who have been here a while. Do not trust your instincts, use wisdom gained from the LS human experience.

[Starks]

you seem kinda full of yourself. believing yourself to be above this "loser" who is probably sleeping with the woman you're on here crying about as we speak

[Ruby65]

Good to hear you're feeling better today!

 

You know the drill: keep moving forward, stay positive, try not to look into that rear-view mirror....

 

[emotionalMess]

you seem kinda full of yourself. believing yourself to be above this "loser" who is probably sleeping with the woman you're on here crying about as we speak

 

 

Your right. I'm no better than anyone. I was speaking from emotional assumptions, not my head. Who knows, they may be great together. Good for them, not my business anymore. I'm done.

[emotionalMess]

Good to hear you're feeling better today!

 

You know the drill: keep moving forward, stay positive, try not to look into that rear-view mirror....

 

 

Thanks Ruby. Yes. I have no choice really but to do as you advised.

[emotionalMess]

Seems like I am just about there or damn close.

 

You have two choices. Sit around moping like a helpless victim or do the complete opposite - be the best you.

 

There is no-one better than the "best you". No one. That goes for all of us.

[emotionalMess]

Seems like I am just about there or damn close.

 

You have two choices. Sit around moping like a helpless victim or do the complete opposite - be the best you.

 

There is no-one better than the "best you". No one. That goes for all of us.

 

Update: Comfortably Numb to these past ills.