Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 So a month after break up, no contact failing on both of our accounts, mixed signals and bread crumbs I'm doing awful. In paper I'm doing well, I have a good job, I'm at the gym every day, I'm eating healthily, I'm hardly drinking and ice given up smoking. In reality though I've lost all my passion, I can't stop thinking of her, she haunts my dreams, I keep breaking down and I'm a mess. I'm irritating my friends and family going on about the situation as I keep going round in circles. I've got a good front but I'm so efing miserable. I just want my girl back. She wants space. She loves me and wants to be with me but she's scared of losing herself as well as me ( I pushed her away) I really don't know what to do. Sex with other women feels wrong, I've cancelled a date as it didn't feel right. I don't want anyone but her. NC is hard. I just think about her all the time. Help Link to post Share on other sites
kturner16 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 If she says she wants space then give her exactly that. Don't contact her. Give her time to decide what SHE wants and while she's doing that, continue working on yourself. You're doing good with working out and eating healthy; it means you're not just sitting around waiting and being miserable. I wouldn't suggest waiting on her; just give her some time and when/if she's ready, she will come around. But while you're in no contact, keep bettering yourself. I would also suggest ignoring the breadcrumb convos. They're not making much a difference and is only stressing both of you out. Just give yourselves some time to figure out what you both what (although you've made it clear that you want her). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thanks for the advice. I know it deep down. It's just it's difficult to be emotionally strong. I've always been a very emotional cold person and since this break up I've been more emotional than ever. She's in my dreams every night and I wake and she's not there, that's the toughest bit as I'm instantly thinking of her. I guess I've just got to be strong at the moment. Back to nc... Link to post Share on other sites
Moley87 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Plaster hiya dude , I'm coming up to 3 months break up and I am a extremely cold person and generally don't stress out but breaks up can take you by surprise Its same as grieving it hurts but I'm now starting to see I'm maybe better off being single enjoying myself off to Vegas tomorrow as well Ride the emotions it's weirdly healthy for you and you'll start to see clearly soon enough , keep busy accept its over ( that's the key ) once you do that things get easier My life goes on its up to her if she wants part of it or not but personally I'm getting happier , keep the no contact for you not her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 It really is a roller coaster of emotions. The thing is, I don't really get any enjoyment out of anything I'm passionate about at the moment and that's making it worse as it sets me on negative thoughts. She says she still thinks about me all the time. And has told our mutual friends that and my mum (they are good friends) and that's stuck in my head. She loved me so much and worshiped the ground I walked on. I pushed her away, I took her for granted. I was more interested in going to the pub with my mates. It's my fault I lost the love of my life. And there we are.. Negativity again. All I want is to talk with her, confide in her. But I can't. This sucks so much. I feel lost, worthless and like nothing. It's been a long 4 weeks too. I don't know if I can cope with another 4 like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Is it true you don't know what you had til it's gone? Or is it a case of when you grieve you only think of the good bits? This is something else I can't get my head round. Of course I love her but the way I see her at this moment in time she's perfect and can't do any wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Sounds like you are doing pretty well apart from breaking contact. Giving up smoking is huge. If you can do that, you can do NC. Properly. The breaking contact is what is making you miserable at the moment. Every time you do it you are back pretty much to day one. So do NC properly, and stop being this girl's plan B to help her alone till she finds someone better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 If she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't risk losing you by giving mixed signals. Dumpers will often try and keep you around as a safety net -- don't let her do this to you! She's using your feelings for her against you... so she can feel better while she moves on. Listen to the above advice and cut contact. There's a great No Contact Guide posted on this site. Here's another one that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com You're going to be feeling pretty miserable for a while no matter what you do. It's clearly too soon for you to date -- but in time, you'll be able to. Quitting smoking, working out, not drinking... these are all the best ways to cope. Good for you!!! You're treating yourself well and that's what matters right now. Lean on the other people in your life -- go to them for comfort, not her. She's only going to bring pain right now, not relief. Good luck to you -- keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Your right, I did 4 days no contact then she called me saying how much she missed me and then I fell back in the loop. She's still blocked on social media, I've just realised deleted her number (for the bloody 8th time) so time to read initiate. Thanks guys. NC is tough but it will make every thing fall into place, either me being happier without her or us reconciling. Smoking was easier to give up than no contact to be honest! Il keep this updated, mainly to track my progress and hopefully have some motivation when it's tough. Time to stop pining over her. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Plaster, for what it's worth, I shiver when I think about the absolute horrific mess I was at the 1 month mark. I was pretty much death walking, and now at just over 5 months NC, I'm resurrected. Never thought I'd be OK but I am, and you will be too. 30 days is nothin'. Grieving the loss of someone you care about takes seemingly forever. I know this because it took me years to get over my first love. Yearssss. But I am stronger for it and you will be too. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Plaster, why did you push her away? My ex pushed me away also. It can be true that you don't know what you've got til its gone. This happens a lot. Also, we tend to focus on the happier memories when grieving. That's only natural. I agree with whoever it was that suggested riding out the emotions and facing this head on, it becomes SO much easier I promise you that. 2 months ago I couldn't sleep, eat or mention my break up without crying. Now, I eat, train hard at the gym, and carry on as normal. I have adjusted to not having him around. The break up is still always on my mind (it was a MESS) and sometimes I do miss him. But I have started to feel myself a lot more, gain my confidence back, and see a future. It will come for you too Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Meli, I pushed her away by never giving her my full attention, I treated her as a commodity, took her for granted. She worshiped me, I was her everything, I she loved me so much that I didn't feel I had to work for it, I got comfortable. She would mention that she wanted me to put effort into our relationship I would just ignore that and was interested in seeing my mates or doing what I wanted to do. I was selfish. When she needed me I didn't always come running. I dismissed her opinions on things. I put her down about gaining weight (partly due to my insecurity that I was gaining it too) I put her down about the music she listened to. I made it seem like it was a task to do things for her, even to have sex with her and that really crushed her. I wasn't always horrible but I was and that's unacceptable. I can see clearly what I did now. Funny thing is that now I see what I did, I know if I had another chance I would do things so differently. But because I hurt her and she had started to detach from me a few months before BU, she doesn't want to risk being crushed again as she thinks there will be no changes. She wants to see change in me and she says she still loves me and wants to be with me and she is scared I will move on in this time she needs to heal. I really am ashamed of what I did. Funny thing is, all the things I ignored her or dismissed her to do, I no longer want to do. Hindsight is a funny thing isn't it. I agree with you about looking at the positives rather than the negatives. She was hard work at times.. Even her mum didn't understand how I put up with her so long. She's boarder line bi polar I think! But as I see her from my position right now, she's perfect. All I can do is wait and better myself. Thank you all of you for your support. I was in a horrible place this morning. I'm still a bit miserable but I have some motivation for NC and I don't feel like calling her any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I think I had a bit of GIGS. I thought I wanted something else than what she gave me. Turns out that was a load of ****. I think commitment scared me a bit too. Now being alone and the thought of never holding her or losing myself in her eyes again scares me. This has been a long, painful month and I'm sure there is more up ahead Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 How old are you? I find younger people tend to think the grass is greener. Anyway, I feel for your ex because the same thing happened to me. My ex would actually tell me that he didn't want to be affecitonate with me anymore, that he didn't have it in him to kiss me anymore. This went on for months! There was no particular reason either, he just changed. It's not nice to have someone withhold affection and take us for granted, it takes a part of us away. I too started to detach from him and he was "devastated" when I ended it. I also feel he thought the grass may be greener. I don't think it's the sole reason but it must have played a part. He got bored with me and stopped putting the effort in, it's no wonder our spark went. All you can do is learn from this and move on. She may decide to forgive you but in her mind, you'll probably do it again once things get comfortable. Plus she will have built up resentment for you. Just give her space, let her work things out in her head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I feel awful for her to. I'm embarrassed and ashamed I behaved like that. This is the reason why she won't just come back to me. She's scared I will do it again and wants to heal as if it happend again it would completely destroy her. Fair enough really. She wants to see I've changed. I will tell you what though, I'm never going to take another woman's love for me for granted. Shame I only seem to learn lessons the hard way. I'm still clinging on to the hope we can sort things out. She has told me she still sees herself married to me and a future with me. Maybe as a I progress I won't need that hope anymore. I'm 23 by the way. Did you find your ex wanted you more when you left? Because I'm definitely craving her now I don't have her. I just want to shower her In the affection she showed me in. I want to sweep her off her feet again. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's good that you have learnt you're so young so don't be so hard on yourself. I have no idea. We haven't spoke since, I told him to not contact me again. As far as I know he was upset to a mutual friend a few weeks back, and very confused. But he hasn't spoke to me so I don't know exactly how he feels. I'm assuming he feels better off single as I think he'd of contacted me. Either that or he's stubborn as a mule. Either way I didn't deserve that. There's a Lot more to it too. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I think shes just keeping you around in case it doesnt work with the other guy .You need to block her number so she cant drag you back in .She knows where you are if she really wanted to come back to you .Learn from your mistakes so the next relationship you have you wont make the same mistakes again . Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Honestly, if you treated her the way so say you did, I don't think you really loved her. Now that she is gone, you feel lonely and are second guessing things and imagining deeper feelings for her than you have or had. I may be wrong, but I'd guess if you did end up together again you would be in the same boat (broken up) again in a few months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daisy_098 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm going through the same situation and trust me, it does get better. If she wants space, give her that space! Don't text her, don't call her, don't even stalk her on social media to see what's she's doing. Completely disappear from social media for a while and focus of YOU! you'll realize in the end that you don't need anyone else to keep you happy but yourself. The fact that you're exercising and eating healthy is awesome! Do stuff that make YOU happy and trust me if she actually cared enough about you she WILL come back. Time heals everything and you have to keep telling yourself you will be okay. If you start thinking about her and the memories, go hang out with friends or go exercise which will keep your mind off her. As a girl, we tend to want space especially when things start seeming to get serious, it could be fear of getting hurt or time alone we want to have with friends a family. Start thinking less of her, and think more of you. Yes you will have your moments where you're super depressed and other moments you're okay. But she initiated the break up and space therefore you go with it and move on with life. Don't wait for her either, because when you least expect it she will come back around when you're at your happiest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Yeah, it's selfish of me that i haven't been giving her the space she's asked for, if anything proves to her and myself that I'm not changing my ways. Your right. I need to think about me and just me. I think I may disappear from social media for a little while. I blocked her pretty much straight after the split as she was 'liking' my pics and sending friend requests. I've decided I'm going to learn how to cook. That's something else positive to focus on. Anyone got any Ideas on dealing with the negative thoughts when I'm unable to exercise or see mates? Like in the evenings etc Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Yeah, it's selfish of me that i haven't been giving her the space she's asked for, if anything proves to her and myself that I'm not changing my ways. Your right. I need to think about me and just me. I think I may disappear from social media for a little while. I blocked her pretty much straight after the split as she was 'liking' my pics and sending friend requests. I've decided I'm going to learn how to cook. That's something else positive to focus on. Anyone got any Ideas on dealing with the negative thoughts when I'm unable to exercise or see mates? Like in the evenings etc Focus on her negative points and all the things you didn't like about her. Take her off the pedastle. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 It really is a roller coaster of emotions. The thing is, I don't really get any enjoyment out of anything I'm passionate about at the moment and that's making it worse as it sets me on negative thoughts. She says she still thinks about me all the time. And has told our mutual friends that and my mum (they are good friends) and that's stuck in my head. She loved me so much and worshiped the ground I walked on. I pushed her away, I took her for granted. I was more interested in going to the pub with my mates. It's my fault I lost the love of my life. And there we are.. Negativity again. All I want is to talk with her, confide in her. But I can't. This sucks so much. I feel lost, worthless and like nothing. It's been a long 4 weeks too. I don't know if I can cope with another 4 like this. Separation anxiety's a bitch but it does go away. Congratulations - the next phase will just be emptiness and hopelessness, not hyper anxiety and the sensation of immediate impending doom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Well anything other than feeling like this is going to be a winner. It's hard to see her bad points at the moment though. Il make a list when I start to feel depressed about the situation again, I've currently got a smile on my face. I'm going to owe this forum big time when I get through this Thanks once again guys, your making a big difference Link to post Share on other sites
hunk Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) Your situation mirrors mine, we're even the same age. My ex thought I was god, she thought the sun shone out of my ass, and I completely took her for granted to the point where I would hesitate calling her my girlfriend, never told her my feelings for her, didn't even want to introduce her to my friends etc. for 1.5 years. I think we stayed together for so long because we were essentially the same person, best friends and had excellent sex. I was unable to commit to her, was completely blind to the relationship we could've had if i'd taken it seriously and just toyed with her heart and emotions as I was constantly on the lookout for other women and treated her as if her emotional needs didn't matter. She completely detached from me and I am certain (and have accepted, as hard as it's been) we will never speak again. You are lucky this girl is considering giving you another chance. If this relationship TRULY is what you want, (you seriously need to evaluate whether you're just missing someone in general and whether you were actually in love with her - you might not have been - this isn't a bad thing, you just need to be honest with yourself) then you need to disappear from her life entirely and leave her alone with the mindset you will never hear another word from her again. You need to drop off the planet, block and delete everything and treat this as a permanent break up. Any contact will show you can't respect her wishes and will also communicate you are weak. Please try and move on. I'd like to hear you guys get back together down the line, but this will only happen if, for now, you treat the relationship as completely over and she is gone for good. Take care Edited May 25, 2015 by hunk Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I do love her with all my heart, that's why it hurts and I also have the guilt of causing this. I hope I can come back with the news we have fixed things down the line. Like you've said, I will disappear from her life. It gets tough and I wish I could of done it sooner. Tomorrow's another day though Link to post Share on other sites
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