Interesting conversation...

[backandforth]

I was on a date last night, talking about past relationships and particularly about the no contact phase. She told me that on two separate occasions she'd ended relationships and never heard from the guys again.

 

What was surprising was that she immediately followed this by saying that she'd wished they'd reached out to her after they'd had some time to get their heads straight. They never did and she'd been disappointed about it because she was genuinely open about reconciliation. Worth noting, however, is that she said nothing truly bad had happened between them, no cheating etc, that she'd just fallen out of love.

 

I asked her how she could possibly respect someone she'd dumped crawling back to her. She said she didn't see it that way, more like the break up was a message that she deserved better and that perhaps the dumpees needed some time out to work on some less flattering aspects of their personalities.

 

We read a lot about NC on this these forums, particular the horror stories that come with breaking NC. I have no intention of breaking it myself, but I found this point of view really surprising.

 

I'm curious if anyone, particularly the dumpers, share similar points of view. Personally, I think breaking NC is a bad idea in terms of stalling the healing process, and I'd hate to be seen as encouraging anyone to do it.

[sutsie]

wow ummm. I hit 30 days no contact last night actually and I can honestly say that any girl that thinks some guy should crawl back after they've had their heartbroken obviously doesn't get it. If anything, the dumper should always contact the dumpee about reconciliation. If I knew that was my ex's pov I'd text her right now, but she's already been sleeping around so that ships sailed. I would never go back to someone that's dumped me, doesn't mean i wouldn't take them back. just means I won't come crawling back to someone and look like a pathetic loser who needs someone in their life. Very interesting though. glad you posted this.

[backandforth]

Don't get me wrong sutsie, I argued the point, that it's not in the dumpee's hands, etc. I just found it an odd response that she'd hoped for contact. In both cases she said she did an appropriate amount of grieving, didn't jump into anything new and gave it a little time. When communication wasn't forthcoming, she let it go and moved on.

[sutsie]

I'd love more info on this actually just for my own understanding of this. Did she say anything like what it would've took from the guy? how long before she felt this way? what would've had to have been done? This is strange. Most girls that wanna dip out, they dip out for good and you never see or hear from them again. Anything she said please post on here. This is knowledge for any guy that wants their girl back or for any guy that wants to know more about the crazy "woman's mind" that there is.

[Ruby65]

The dumper WILL reach out.... if they care enough.

 

I'm sure many dumpers would be flattered and open to reconciling in a passive take-it-or-leave-it kind of way if they haven't met anyone else yet. Especially if the dumpee comes back to them claiming to have magically changed or "fixed" all the problems that supposedly lead to the breakup.

 

The drama of the breakup and then a big reconciliation can even re-ignite feelings -- temporarily -- in a dumper who had gone cold by the time of the breakup.

 

But for a reconciliation to REALLY work, the dumper needs to have changed their mind and perceptions of the dumpee on a deeper level, they need to really miss the dumpee so much that they realize they can't live without them.... and when that happens, it's almost impossible for a dumper to *not* make contact!

 

This doesn't happen very often -- but when it does happen, it's usually after an extended period without contact.

 

That's been my experience, anyway.

[dvx]

That's it! Im calling her right now!

[sutsie]

dude don't do it. let her come to you

[mightycpa]

She told me that on two separate occasions she'd ended relationships and never heard from the guys again.

That's pretty normal. Good for those dumpee guys!

 

she wished they'd reached out to her after they'd had some time to get their heads straight.

After THEY got their heads straight? I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's talking about herself too.

 

They never did and she'd been disappointed about it because she was genuinely open about reconciliation. Worth noting, however, is that she said nothing truly bad had happened between them, no cheating etc, that she'd just fallen out of love.

This is the part that makes no sense. She fell out of love? Then wanted to reconcile as in rekindle?

 

I asked her how she could possibly respect someone she'd dumped crawling back to her. She said she didn't see it that way, more like the break up was a message that she deserved better and that perhaps the dumpees needed some time out to work on some less flattering aspects of their personalities.

What a piece of work!!! Though, there is a kernel of truth in what she says. Almost all of us fall in love for no particular reason. But reasons drive us out of love. He's inconsiderate, she's bossy, whatever the problems are. And once you see those things in a person, you'll always recognize them, even if the other person does change.. that's why it doesn't work out very often on the second time around. At first, because fundamentally attraction is about personality and that doesn't change too much, the rekindled couple will get along. But the old stuff creeps in, old patterns emerge and the next thing you know, you're in Splitsville again.

 

We read a lot about NC on this these forums, particular the horror stories that come with breaking NC. I have no intention of breaking it myself, but I found this point of view really surprising.

 

I'm curious if anyone, particularly the dumpers, share similar points of view. Personally, I think breaking NC is a bad idea in terms of stalling the healing process, and I'd hate to be seen as encouraging anyone to do it.

I'm with you. As a dumper, once I was out, I was out. There was no going back for anything other than sex, and that is all an ex got if she came back sniffing around. I'd be distrustful of a dumper who changed her mind, because she'd seem flaky and unreliable to me, like I couldn't count on her, not in love and not even in a breakup. I want certainty in my relationships, and certainty in my breakups too.

 

Put me down as a NFW.

[Simon Phoenix]

What she said was bs and something that's easy to say when you are removed and don't give a crap anymore. If she really was that gung-ho about reconciliation with them, she would have contacted them herself. Shoot, if a girl told me that I'd tell her how wrong she is for having that mindset and probably not go on a second date. Then again, I tend to have Jerry Seinfeld-like reasons for cutting off certain women, so who knows.

 

Either way, I think it's an easy thing to say after the fact when you don't care.

[backandforth]

I'd love more info on this actually just for my own understanding of this. Did she say anything like what it would've took from the guy? how long before she felt this way? what would've had to have been done? This is strange. Most girls that wanna dip out, they dip out for good and you never see or hear from them again. Anything she said please post on here. This is knowledge for any guy that wants their girl back or for any guy that wants to know more about the crazy "woman's mind" that there is.

 

The way she put it was that in these relationships the guys were mostly great but had issues that she couldn't help resolve, despite her best efforts. From memory, one had a porn addiction and wouldn't give her intimacy, the other was a chronic pothead who tried to keep his habit a secret.

 

She was serious about the break ups but was also hoping that they'd sort out their problems and come back fresh. Never happened, I guess they didn't see it as important enough to make a change.

 

Therein lies the irony, most of the "now I wanna call her because I'm better" dumpees are deluding themselves, because if they were truly "better" and healed through NC, they wouldn't want to put themselves back in that place again.

[backandforth]

That's it! Im calling her right now!

 

That would be a very bad idea. She'd smell the desperation. Stay NC until you don't feel the urge to say "I'm calling her right now!"

[backandforth]

What she said was bs and something that's easy to say when you are removed and don't give a crap anymore. If she really was that gung-ho about reconciliation with them, she would have contacted them herself. Shoot, if a girl told me that I'd tell her how wrong she is for having that mindset and probably not go on a second date. Then again, I tend to have Jerry Seinfeld-like reasons for cutting off certain women, so who knows.

 

Either way, I think it's an easy thing to say after the fact when you don't care.

 

It honestly didn't come across as bs, she said it so matter-of-factly and with genuine sincerity. It certainly took me by surprise, that's why I'm posting it!

 

I guess the moral of the story is that you can put all the rules you like around people (such as NC), but it doesn't mean they're gonna play along.

 

BTW, onto third date with her. I'm just looking for some fun and nothing serious. Getting that, so if she gets flaky it's no gonna bother me to walk away.

[backandforth]

The dumper WILL reach out.... if they care enough.

 

I'm sure many dumpers would be flattered and open to reconciling in a passive take-it-or-leave-it kind of way if they haven't met anyone else yet. Especially if the dumpee comes back to them claiming to have magically changed or "fixed" all the problems that supposedly lead to the breakup.

 

The drama of the breakup and then a big reconciliation can even re-ignite feelings -- temporarily -- in a dumper who had gone cold by the time of the breakup.

 

But for a reconciliation to REALLY work, the dumper needs to have changed their mind and perceptions of the dumpee on a deeper level, they need to really miss the dumpee so much that they realize they can't live without them.... and when that happens, it's almost impossible for a dumper to *not* make contact!

 

This doesn't happen very often -- but when it does happen, it's usually after an extended period without contact.

 

That's been my experience, anyway.

 

Totally agree with you on everything you posted! Even if I knew that my dumper was open to reconciliation, I would never feel secure in the fact that I was the one who had to initiate the process.

[Simon Phoenix]

It honestly didn't come across as bs, she said it so matter-of-factly and with genuine sincerity. It certainly took me by surprise, that's why I'm posting it!

 

I guess the moral of the story is that you can put all the rules you like around people (such as NC), but it doesn't mean they're gonna play along.

 

BTW, onto third date with her. I'm just looking for some fun and nothing serious. Getting that, so if she gets flaky it's no gonna bother me to walk away.

 

It's BS in the fact that it's easy for her to say all of that after the fact. I would guess those weren't her exact feelings at the time. If they were, then she's got a bit of an entitlement thing going on and the guys were smart to stay away. Not to bag on your girl too much, but that's red flag city.

 

Either way, she obviously wasn't wanting reconciliation too badly if she refused to contact them.

[quattrob]

The way she put it was that in these relationships the guys were mostly great but had issues that she couldn't help resolve, despite her best efforts. From memory, one had a porn addiction and wouldn't give her intimacy, the other was a chronic pothead who tried to keep his habit a secret.

 

She was serious about the break ups but was also hoping that they'd sort out their problems and come back fresh. Never happened, I guess they didn't see it as important enough to make a change.

 

Therein lies the irony, most of the "now I wanna call her because I'm better" dumpees are deluding themselves, because if they were truly "better" and healed through NC, they wouldn't want to put themselves back in that place again.

 

There will be people who would think the way she does but they have to also understand that they were the ones who broke up/dumped their ex, whether they are forced to or not doesn't really matter. In a sense they "gave up" on the relationship so to expect the dumpee to reach out is ridiculous.. unless she specifically said "I'm breaking up with you now because I want you to get your head straight and fix your issues, I'll be here for you when you can sort it all out" Something to that extent.

 

Seems like she may have felt that way during the break up but never voiced her hope/intentions clearly and now she wishes that the dumpee can read her mind? Why do some people do this? This is what happens to her now because she never voiced that point out to him.

[Itspointless]

You should give that girl a mirror. I doubt thought that she will give herself a good look.

[luvme1]

This might surprise you guys but I actually disagree with what most of you are saying. Only because of a situation I've been in myself.

 

I dated someone a while ago that had an anger problem. He would take his problems out on me and when he was having an anger episode he would treat me VERY poorly. So, I broke up with him.

 

If there was a chance in hell of us getting back together it would have to be HIM (the dumpee) that reaches out- after getting help and working on his issues of course. And that's exactly what happened. After a few months of No Contact he reached out to me through email begging and pleading for another chance.

 

So, generally speaking, I think that it all really boils down to WHY the relationship ended. If a girl leaves a guy because he treats her badly, its up to the guy to reach out. Plain and simple.

[Itspointless]

This might surprise you guys but I actually disagree with what most of you are saying. Only because of a situation I've been in myself.

Reading this forum for over 18 months now and living for 36 years, no your answer does not surprise me.

 

I actually think most people that reacted here would not argue with you on this. They react on what she worded according to backandforth. No one should put up with abuse.

[luvme1]

The point of my message was mainly in response to all the people that say "the dumpee should NEVER EVER contact the dumper first". I was just showing that each case is different.

[ravfour4]

A part of me thinks my ex feels this way, we loved each other fully for 3.5 years and never had any major issues. After a few months of me being lazy in the relationship, a bit distant and focusing on work and lmy dad's health issues, she gave up and exploded her whole life (new and crappy job, involved with a married coworker, saying I love you after just a few weeks, got rid of all of our mutual friends etc.) . her main reason for the breakup was that she was convinced I didn't care about her anymore and if I did, I would have changed already and now her feelings are gone forever.

 

After being broken up for a few months and her finally moving out a few weeks ago (I had to push her out, I don't understand why shed want to stay), I've really been focusing on myself and becoming the person I wanted to be, my old self that she said I was incapable of becoming. I'm doing it for me, not her and looking back I have no idea why I didn't do it sooner, while we were still together.

 

A part of me wonders if she's like this girl you mention, our families were so intertwined and other couples often envied us, why not want that back if I have made the changes both of us wanted? The other part of me never wants to talk to her again for getting involved with someone else so soon and when I needed her most (dad ended up passing away) and for getting scared of commitment (we had been looking at houses)

 

Were talking this Sunday, I'm confident I can be calm and collected, but I also want to let her know that while I can't forgive her for what she did, I do understand why we broke up, I really am my "old" self and still care for her before we go NC for good...

[Itspointless]

The point of my message was mainly in response to all the people that say "the dumpee should NEVER EVER contact the dumper first". I was just showing that each case is different.

I agree. There is nothing wrong with contact, that is if you can take it. No contact just is for healing. Although sociological and anthropological interesting I do not have much with pride and even less with how how man are supposed to behave, **** that

[quattrob]

A part of me thinks my ex feels this way, we loved each other fully for 3.5 years and never had any major issues. After a few months of me being lazy in the relationship, a bit distant and focusing on work and lmy dad's health issues, she gave up and exploded her whole life (new and crappy job, involved with a married coworker, saying I love you after just a few weeks, got rid of all of our mutual friends etc.) . her main reason for the breakup was that she was convinced I didn't care about her anymore and if I did, I would have changed already and now her feelings are gone forever.

 

After being broken up for a few months and her finally moving out a few weeks ago (I had to push her out, I don't understand why shed want to stay), I've really been focusing on myself and becoming the person I wanted to be, my old self that she said I was incapable of becoming. I'm doing it for me, not her and looking back I have no idea why I didn't do it sooner, while we were still together.

 

A part of me wonders if she's like this girl you mention, our families were so intertwined and other couples often envied us, why not want that back if I have made the changes both of us wanted? The other part of me never wants to talk to her again for getting involved with someone else so soon and when I needed her most (dad ended up passing away) and for getting scared of commitment (we had been looking at houses)

 

Were talking this Sunday, I'm confident I can be calm and collected, but I also want to let her know that while I can't forgive her for what she did, I do understand why we broke up, I really am my "old" self and still care for her before we go NC for good...

 

I think people are misunderstanding what vets on here are saying. Yes most people who give advice on here go by the NC rule and the "dumpee should never contact dumper" rule. And there is a strong reason for that which you can search through this forum to find.

 

People here strongly recommend going NC mainly because they want the dumpee to regain themselves and to heal. There is no real timeline on how long they should go NC. Once dumpee is able to accept that the relationship is over, see what issues caused the break up and is able to think straight. By all means contact the dumper, if that is what the dumpee wants. Only under these circumstances should the dumpee even consider to contact. I've never really seen anyone on here saying they 100% shouldn't contact the dumper after the dumpee has had time to heal and determine that's what he/she wants. I've only seen vets on here telling the dumpee they should be careful and to take it slow and to watch themselves.

 

And let's be honest if people feel the need to ask "what should I do when I meet my ex" or "I fear so and so when I meet him/her" or "should I meet him/her again?" etc.. chances are they aren't ready, if they were they'd choose to do it regardless of what anyone says in the first place.

 

The vets on these boards have good advices for good reasons. If you don't agree with it that is fine but know that they are on here to help people not for any other reason.

Edited April 25, 2015 by quattrob

[ravfour4]

I agree with the above, NC is an amazing way to help you stop being obsessed with your ex, focus on yourself and move on. I feel I was able to get through this for the most part with LC with my ex since we lived together.

 

That being said, there are moments when I feel like I'm healed yet still love her and think there's a chance, but then I'll reach out, not get the response I was expecting, and realize I'm not as healed as I thought. I'm having a final convo with her tomorrow and knowing how crazy he'd thoughts and defense mechanisms are, I want to give the "hey, that break up was crazy, I understand why it happened and it may have even been necessary, but I've learned a ton through it and I'm sure you have too, but I still have strong feelings for you, are you sure this is what you want?" Convo a chance. But it may just tear me up if she's cold and rude. I don't really care about the pride thing if I'll never see her again. I'd moreso regret not giving it all I had.

[Art_Critic]

What was surprising was that she immediately followed this by saying that she'd wished they'd reached out to her after they'd had some time to get their heads straight. They never did and she'd been disappointed about it because she was genuinely open about reconciliation.

 

2 things.. one you don't know what her reaction would really have been if they reached out.. most likely she would have ignored them and got an ego boost from it.

The other thing is she didn't mention to you how many ex's she took back by them contacting her again .. maybe none...

[Taramere]

I asked her how she could possibly respect someone she'd dumped crawling back to her. She said she didn't see it that way, more like the break up was a message that she deserved better and that perhaps the dumpees needed some time out to work on some less flattering aspects of their personalities.

 

I can see her point there. I had an on/off relationship for years that I ended a few times on account of his selfish, inconsiderate behaviour. I never thought he was a bad guy, but he wasn't a good boyfriend. He'd find ways of coming back, promising that he'd changed, grown up, become more considerate etc. The positive changes would last for a while, and then he'd revert to being very selfish and inconsiderate again.

 

My feeling was definitely that I deserved better than that - and that if I wasn't going to get better, then I'd prefer to be on my own. But to me, dumping somebody in that sort of situation wasn't the same as breaking somebody's heart. My logic was "if he genuinely cared about me, he'd make the effort to be a more considerate partner. It's not going to bother him that I've broken up with him."

 

What I found out (from him and from one of his friends) much later was that actually, on the occasions I broke up with him he became very depressed..and I think that over the course of time he stored up a fair bit of vitriol against me. Meantime, I didn't suspect that there was any vitriol or ill intent on his part. I just assumed he was a sweet but fairly selfish and immature guy who just didn't feel strongly enough about me to make the effort to have a proper, committed, adult relationship.

 

If I'd known that he'd become depressed during the break ups, and that he was storing up that kind of vitriol and resentment against me, obviously I'd have never taken him back. As it was, I just saw him as this happy go lucky, selfish character - and myself as the "victim" who had tried really hard to be the perfect girlfriend to this unappreciative clod - and who couldn't be blamed for dumping him. The notion that he could possibly be depressed by me breaking up with him was just alien.

 

Of course, by getting back with him (three times) I helped to make the ultimate break up infinitely worse. Because by that time he was storing away massive amounts of resentment in his dark little heart...and I think he went out of his way to make the break up as psychologically destructive as possible. Because he felt entitled to take that revenge.

 

Honestly, I think that once either person has made the decision to break up then it's really not a good idea to get back together. The only reason for getting back together is "I've changed". The usual situation is, though, that people change for about 5 minutes - but can't really sustain changes that are alien to their basic personalities. Even if on some level they would like to. And every break up creates mistrust and resentment. It's hard for those situations to not contain a lot of toxicity....but when two people still want eachother romantically, it's easy to be wilfully blind to that toxicity.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Taramere