M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Hi people, need some female advice on this one... I met a girl in December 2014, we saw each other twice in a foreign city I was visiting and where she currently lives. When my vocation was done, we continued to message everyday on Facebook. Things were clicking and the chat we had was amazing. We shared so many things in common and seemed to have the same outlook in life. We agreed that we needed to see each other again so decided to book a romantic weekend away in a different country. We stayed with each other for 4 days and it was effortless between us. Over the weekend we had a lot of sex and shared some great times. When we went back to our own countries we kept in touch and continued messaging. Since then We have seen each other 3 more times, spending 5 and 6 days with each other. Things were great and we expressed to each other we missed one another. Because of the nature of my job, I can live anywhere in Europe. I suggested the possibility of moving to her city to see what could happen between us...This was apparently music to her ears but then she started to get a little freaked out. We talked about in and agreed to take things slow and see what would happen. I saw her again for another 5 days and things were great. After I left, she told me she missed me etc and how it frustrated her that we couldn't see each other more. I understood but stated every time i try to offer the solution and move to her country, It just freaks her out. I really like this girl and wanted to know where I stand with her. I can keep flying to her country, staying in hotels etc as it just cost too much money. I think I came on a little song and it's pushed her away. We haven't spoke now in over 1 week. Our last messages she explained that she wanted to take things slow and I was pushing her which in turn made her take a step back. I expressed how sorry I was and apologised for this...but I said I will not say sorry for liking you. I was suppose to visit her over 1 week ago but she said it's not a good idea to see each other again soon because of how this situation was with us In the end I asked her to just let me back in to her world and promised not to f*ck things up again.....She said "I just need some time". My reply read, "Then this time I will respect that. You know where I am if you want me but until then, I will give you some space" I feel so confused right now and I miss talking to her everyday. I know I have to stay true to my word and give her time but it's hurting really bad. Can anyone give me some advice on this situation? Thanks, Matt Edited March 30, 2015 by M_Hudson Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Okay, well -- if she's asking for space, you must give her space. DON'T contact her. Be free and easy if and when she contacts you. Stay busy with friends and other things in your life. Give her plenty of space to come around, it's not a big deal so don't make it one. You're wanting to merge lives and move to her country..... that's a big commitment. Try to lighten up and let her set the pace for a while. I don't think all hope is lost, not at all! Just give this some breathing room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Why are you blaming yourself? You haven't done anything wrong. She initially agreed that you moving to her country would be a good idea, and then she changed her mind. You took a step back because you respected her feelings. You were meant to be visiting her a week ago, but she said it wasn't a good idea. You took another step back because you respected her feelings. She said she needs time, and you took another step back because you respected her feelings. You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, you've been very considerate, so don't blame yourself. You have to give her space, but you're doing that, so no blame. Edited March 30, 2015 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Thanks you both for the reply I just can't work the situation out now. I understand she was frustrated because she wanted to see me more etc, but if she flew to a different country to see me, invited me to stay with her in her apartment etc, why suddenly give up on me so quickly because I was pushing for answers about what was going on between us? She said she didn't know what to do with the situation...I didn't either but I wanted to give things a go. She got excited when I spoke about moving, then she got freaked.??? I don't know how much time to give her, but I said I would respect that this time so I definitely cannot contact her. I hate playing the waiting game but I just don't know how much time is long enough before I say enough is enough and delete her from Facebook etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Dude, she's not giving up so much as NOT going along with you making this huge step by moving to her country to be with her. Give her as much time as it takes. As long as she wants. For God's sake -- RELAX. Take a breath. Calm down. Give this a few weeks to play itself out. Let her come to you. Stay the heck off of Facebook for the next few weeks, who needs that? Just check out and focus on your own life for a while, spend time with friends and family, see movies, exercise, etc. Let this play out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Don't be sitting around trying to figure out what she's thinking, or why she did x, y, z. Just get on with your life as you always do. Do a good job at work, meet up with friends, etc. Wait until she contacts you. If you end up waiting longer than you think reasonable, then you have to rethink whether she's suitable for you. In the meantime, carry on as normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I wish I had the positive vibe you portray, but it's tough. When we didn't message for a week after saying goodbye...I messaged her to see how she was. She instantly replied and the messages went on for a few days. I said I felt confused and did she mind me messaging etc. She said she was surprised I messaged her and she didn't mind keeping in contact....but that I had to bear in mind what she said about it not being a good idea to see each other. That's when we had the big chat about me pushing her away etc and when someone does that to her she tends to stay away. After all that I asked her to let me in and that I would make the same mistake again....This is when she said "I just need time" I don't know if it's a nice way to say it's over...or that she's keeping her options open for other guys. Who knows! But how long is enough time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't know how much time to give her... That's for her to decide now. You just jumped into it a little too quickly. If it's too costly for you to visit, then maybe you need to reassess this relationship, specially since it's only been FOUR months. That's too much, too quickly. The reality is she loved the sound of it, because she likes you, but then she realized the possible implications of it and had more time to think. Emotion came first, logic and thought came after. You don't see it this way yet, but consider it a blessing that she got freaked out by this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 But how long is enough time Enough time is however long you're willing to wait. You'll know when you reach that point. It will be clear to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Wow -- you REALLY need to stop pushing. Stop clinging. Stop being so worried. It's creepy and unattractive. Seriously -- man up, dude. If a girl is telling you she needs space -- you freakin' GIVE HER SPACE! That means: as much as she wants, for as long as she wants. She'll contact you when she wants to and you need to be okay with that. Love is wonderful -- but it's not an excuse to become a needy clingy attention-seeking baby! Let this go. Be a guy. Occupy yourself with other things for a few weeks.... let this play out. Otherwise, you're just going to push her farther and farther away! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I know. You're completely speaking sense here but I'm sure you'll appreciate it's often hard to take when you like someone. In the end I pushed to hard and scared her, now she doesn't think it's a good idea if we see each other, and for the time being she said she would like to have me as a friend after all this.... If she needs time then so be it, but I can only wait so long. Thanks for all the messages and advice Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Here's the blunt truth. She doesn't need time. It's done. Period. She will never look at you like that again. Time won't change this and neither will you pushing. She likely has a dude back home or is casually dating and you moving there would mess that up. Or she's immature. Point is you passed the point of no return. And in the future, good lord, find a girl in your country. There's millions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 That's some pretty harsh advice.. Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Indeed brother it is. But it's true. If she cared enough about you she would've embraced you moving, OR at the least forgiven you for coming on strong. But she clearly doesn't. So ask yourself why you are the one caring? Cut her off now and forever. It's done. Likely you never knew the whole truth and never will, but that doesn't even matter. What matters is her actions towards you and those are crystal clear. Embrace the pain. Welcome it. Learn to befriend it and grow strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M_Hudson Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Naturally I hope you're wrong about what you've said here. I hold out hope, feel that she wouldn't fly to a different country to meet me and message me every day for 4 months and not care about me. I pushed too hard and it scared her...but I'm surprised she gave up on me that easy. Who knows, I just wish I got a straight answer if it's over for good or not...rather than "I just need some time" Anyway, I'll give it a month, if I've not heard from her then I'll know it's over for good and move on from all this ****....It certainly doesn't make you feel good! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hope in your context is a slowly twisting blade preventing the wound from healing. Don't forget that. Give it a month if you must but rest assured it's dead. Super, ultimate dead. It isn't coming back. Ever. Ever ever. So allow this to make you stronger. Embrace it and let it form a stronger you. And don't find girls in other countries. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think giving yourself a month without initiating contact is a really smart way to go in this situation. Just let this play out for the next month, see what happens. I think that's really the smartest way to proceed. Feel free to vent HERE instead if you feel the urge to contact her in the next four weeks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Naturally I hope you're wrong about what you've said here. I hold out hope, feel that she wouldn't fly to a different country to meet me and message me every day for 4 months and not care about me. I pushed too hard and it scared her...but I'm surprised she gave up on me that easy. Who knows, I just wish I got a straight answer if it's over for good or not...rather than "I just need some time" Anyway, I'll give it a month, if I've not heard from her then I'll know it's over for good and move on from all this ****....It certainly doesn't make you feel good! The future hasn't been written yet. It is an unknown. *Not knowing* is a wonderful thing. A kind of enlightenment. Edited March 30, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 This is going to turn into a breadcrumbs situation or a string-along. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Not sure why my post was deleted so I'll post it again for more points of view... Hi people, need some female advice on this one... I met a girl in December 2014, we saw each other twice in a foreign city I was visiting and where she currently lives. When my vocation was done, we continued to message everyday on Facebook. Things were clicking and the chat we had was amazing. We shared so many things in common and seemed to have the same outlook in life. We agreed that we needed to see each other again so decided to book a romantic weekend away in a different country. We stayed with each other for 4 days and it was effortless between us. Over the weekend we had a lot of sex and shared some great times. When we went back to our own countries we kept in touch and continued messaging. Since then We have seen each other 3 more times, spending 5 and 6 days with each other. Things were great and we expressed to each other we missed one another. Because of the nature of my job, I can live anywhere in Europe. I suggested the possibility of moving to her city to see what could happen between us...This was apparently music to her ears but then she started to get a little freaked out. We talked about in and agreed to take things slow and see what would happen. I saw her again for another 5 days and things were great. After I left, she told me she missed me etc and how it frustrated her that we couldn't see each other more. I understood but stated every time i try to offer the solution and move to her country, It just freaks her out. I really like this girl and wanted to know where I stand with her. I can keep flying to her country, staying in hotels etc as it just cost too much money. I think I came on a little song and it's pushed her away. We haven't spoke now in over 1 week. Our last messages she explained that she wanted to take things slow and I was pushing her which in turn made her take a step back. I expressed how sorry I was and apologised for this...but I said I will not say sorry for liking you. I was suppose to visit her over 1 week ago but she said it's not a good idea to see each other again soon because of how this situation was with us In the end I asked her to just let me back in to her world and promised not to f*ck things up again.....She said "I just need some time". My reply read, "Then this time I will respect that. You know where I am if you want me but until then, I will give you some space" I feel so confused right now and I miss talking to her everyday. I know I have to stay true to my word and give her time but it's hurting really bad. When we spoke 4 days ago via messenger after a week of NC, she said she was surprised to hear from me as we said goodbye to each other. She said she didn't mind me messaging her but I had to keep in mind what she said about it not being a good idea if we see each other.. Can anyone give me some advice on this situation? Thanks, Matt She's just doing the classic hot and cold thing. (It's a woman's prerogative. ) I won't analyze her more than that, but you need to absolutely keep your word and give her space. One of the things she's probably wondering about right now is if you're a secret cling monster, and the possibility probably scares the sh*t out of her and may even make her feel icky. Icky is bad. The way to make her not feel icky about you is to back off, play it cool, give her her space, and let her come to you. If she doesn't, just accept that. It'll happen or it won't, but the way you can guarantee it won't happen, right now, is by pressing her. Plenty other interesting things in life. Just focus your attention elsewhere for the time being and that way when she gets back in touch with you you'll be able to convincingly say you've been busy and pleasantly occupied, and she'll like and respect that. It's the win plan, trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well, it is a lot of pressure knowing someone is moving to a foreign country SOLELY for you. I can see her hesitation. How old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Give her some time is similar to ''lets take a break''. You have communicated to her that you will wait for her, the ball is in her court and you will be avaliable. All of those things place you in a bad position, a powerless one and an unattractive one that is seen by her as lacking madculinity. She can get on with her life, meet other guys, date or play the field and then have you as her backup plan. Yet again I see a man wasting his energy, time and money and wondering why it is not reciprocated. There is far too much that you don't yet realise about this situation in terms of how women see your actions but I will say this, your best bet is to simply end it immediately. However, I think you will not do that and I am guessing you will invest more time, money and heart into this before realising that you should have already ended it. She is not that into you and most likely enjoyed it more when she could dream about being together. Link to post Share on other sites
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