I'm not sure how to act

[luzecita]

Alright, so there was this guy I was dating for a total of seven months. The first four months were amazing, he made me feel amazing, and I thought for sure I had found exactly what I was looking for.

 

Then, my depression kicked in and despite the two weeks of continual sobbing and acting like a robot, he stayed with me. He was supportive and did all he could and eventually, I got out of it. Then, his depression kicked in and I tried doing the same for him but he didn't want to open up to me. Within the fifth month, he started having doubts about us.

 

Breaking up came up twice before we actually did break up. Once while he was depressed because he was concerned his depression and apathetic behavior would make me slip back into depression. The second time was because he said he was conflicted. Some days he saw me as his girlfriend and on others, just his best friend. He didn't act upon the thoughts though because he didn't want to do something he'd regret.

 

His behavior during the last two months though eventually made me agree on a mutual breakup with him though. Whenever we texted, he usually initiated it and usually had long responses at the beginning of our relationship. But during the last two months, he would send one word responses and did not initiate the conversation unless he needed something.

 

When we hung out, he didn't hold my hand anymore or introduce me as his girlfriend that often. I panicked admittedly and tried to spend every day with him but he rarely initiated any physical contact or say much when I was there other than commenting on the games he was playing. If we did go out, if I tried holding his hand, he would hold mine but usually drop it the first chance he had. sometimes he would even remark to me on girls he would do and admitted that when he met girls sometimes, he thought it would be interesting to date them if he and I ever broke up.

 

I will say now that he wouldn't cheat on me even if things were bad. He flirted with girls sometimes but it was with both him and the girl knowing that he had me. Besides, he didn't pursue the flirting further than a line.

 

The first thing he'll tell anyone is he doesn't like to hurt people. But he admitted that he probably did end up hurting me without knowing it. He was confused and stressed the last two months of our relationship and I felt like he was pushing me away the whole time.

 

I finally brought up the idea of a three day break and we agreed. When we came back from the break, we would discuss how we're feeling and see what to do.

 

We ended it last week with a mutual agreement the day the break was over. I still have feelings for him but I'd rather he be happy than forced to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to anymore. He admitted that he didn't have any romantic feelings towards me any more. He saw me as a best friend now, nothing else, and he still wanted me around. He still wanted me watching him play games, he still wanted to hang out, he still wanted me to come over. He even admitted he missed me over the three day break.

 

He also said he knew it would be difficult since he had experienced it before with a couple of his past girlfriends. Usually he moved on with someone else within two months though.

 

I want to move on and I thought I was actually getting better about it but today, i texted him and found out he was going to a classical concert with his friends. I guess the feelings of "I wish i had been more exciting for him" kicked in and the loneliness came back.

 

I mean, when we broke up, he assured me it wasn't me. It wasn't anything that I did. It was his feelings and his screwed up brain. And I'm trying to remain friends with him but I don't know how. I used to go to his house every day and just watch him play games or we'd go out to eat.

 

I still go to his house like every other day because his mom is fond of me. She's been helping me and she says that maybe he's lying to himself. He told her during the first day of the break he saw us together a a couple in his future. On the last day of the break, he told her that he just saw me as a best friend.

 

She also thinks he might be scared because I'm not the first girl he's broken up because he has no romantic feelings anymore. I'm also the first girl that he's gone from "this is my girlfriend" to "this is my best friend" on because after the first girl he was with, his feelings basically flatlined for the others. (With his first girlfriend, he had no doubts and thought he would marry her but she broke up with him after a year and a half.) Also, according to his mother, I'm the first girl he's wanted around after breaking up with them.

 

So I guess if you've read to this part, I don't know what to do. I want to get over this and be his best friend because despite the little hopes his mom gives me, I think I should get over any thought of getting back with him soon. It just wasn't the right time I feel. I still see him like every other day though so are there ways I can make getting over him easier despite the constant contact? And how do I still be his best friend? Should I invite him out places? Or just chill at his house like I used to, just not every day? Any advice would be helpful.

[darkbloom]

You cannot be best friends with someone you still have feelings for. You are going to want more from him and you will leave disappointed.

 

The best thing you can do is no contact until your feelings for him go away. After the dust settles, you can try and have a friendship with him. Be prepared though, because sometimes when you've crossed the line of more than friends you cannot go back.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you are being very mature about this but obviously it is hurting. I think you are right not to work on the basis that you and he will get together again in future. It sounds like he has been trying to opt out for a while (sorry) but of course had mixed feelings as anyone would if they do care about someone. Caring is not the same as being in love with though and you deserve someone who is in love with you and sees you as the special one in their life.

 

I think you may find it difficult if you maintain contact. No doubt people do maintain contact, for various reasons, but others find it better to go no contact. There is a guide to no contact on here (someone will post it for you I'm sure if it's not already pinned at the top of the forum).

 

Sometimes people are just not right for each other. It's no-one's fault, but a chemistry/personality/instinctive thing. If you can view it like that rather than searching for fault or blame on either side, it may help you. xx

[ZiggyZoo]

I agree with darkbloom, the only way to be friends with him is after your romantic feelings for him have faded. And the quickest and best way is to go No Contact for a while. Otherwise, you are going to make it extremely hard on yourself by wanting more than he wants to give. And it will crush you when/if he gets another girlfriend.

 

You two seem to have handled this very well, your communication seems great. This is unusual on here, most of the time someone in a couple is completely sick of the other person, or someone is desperate to regain the relationship at any cost. But it seems to me that you are good with the idea of you two not being together, and can actually see how it isn't a good idea to be together romantically.

 

My suggestion would be to explain to him that you need a bit to transition to being just friends with him, and won't be able to hang out for a bit. He should understand, and it will actually make it easier for you both in the long run. I'd suggest a month at first, and see how you feel. It'll be hard, but trust me, hanging out with someone you have unesolved feelings for is much harder. Good luck, and check in on here, we'd love to help!

[luzecita]

I actually did read about the NC rule before posting this but the thing is, his family adores me. His mom also needs me for getting around town as well. She has a car but the car isn't safe to drive at the moment. Therefore, trying to cut contact with him would be like trying to cut contact with his family since he still lives with his mom.

 

 

We are maintaining some distance though. We've only really hung out twice since last Monday. The first hang out was on Thursday but his best friend was with us. However, after his best friend left, I did stick around a bit longer but I did sorta end up crying because I felt I had unanswered questions on why he pushed me away. We talked it out though (That's when he assured me it was him and that stress and confusion made him push me away) and my visit ended on a positive note.

 

 

The second time was on Sunday for his mom's birthday dinner. I don't think he planned to go but he ended up coming along anyway. We sat apart though and he texted me at the dinner to make sure I was okay since I get anxious being around a lot of people, particularly ones I don't know that well. We kinda joked and talked for a bit after the dinner.

 

 

Otherwise, we've only seen each other briefly at his job. I leave his place before he gets home from work and I'm supposed to give him a ride home today from school since he doesn't have another option. We do text but once he starts putting "I see" or "Blah" I stop texting him so our conversations are usually short.

 

 

I mean i'm pretty sure Im getting over him regardless. The thought of him being with someone else doesn't make me flinch anymore. Its just when he snapchats me sometimes or when I see him in person that I wonder what else I can do to salvage a friendship out of this.