Broken-hearted after cold break up

[Elsea14]

Hello everybody

 

This is my first time posting and I'm hoping that you'll be able to share your advice and experiences with me.

 

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend for the second time. Communication problems and petty arguments have been frequent as of late and I was really feeling that he was acting very selfishly. I communicated this with him and asked if there was anything going on/he wanted to talk about because his behaviour had been irregular for him. He said he had nothing to talk about.

 

A week later, and he has dumped me, stating that he doesn't have the will to try and work out our differences. He says that he has doubts and cannot give me the love and support I want and that we are not on the same level of commitment. In fact, he was very cold and direct and is was shocked that he had bottled so much up.

 

I cannot help but feel he took real offence to me suggesting his behaviour is selfish; perhaps I've touched a raw nerve. He has been withdrawing all week ever since I said it. He seemed angry and irrational during the break up as if he was doubting his actions.

 

I have deleted phone numbers, texts, emails, photos - everything. I have asked him to never contact me again. He believes that we will cross paths again in the future but I am so hurt that it's so insulting he would even suggest it. Importantly, his cruel, cold and sudden outlet of negative feelings has left me with very raw and painful insecurities that have been buried for some time. I understand that I contributed to the demise of our relationship but I'm so devastated by how cruel and cold he was during the break up.

 

Has anyone had this experience before? How do you move past it?

 

I would very much appreciate your words.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I experienced a version of what you're talking about. It was difficult for me to come to terms with the reality that I was with someone who could not adequately express what they needed.

 

I've always been very good with regulating my emotions. If you're doing something that bothers me or makes me unhappy, I'm going to communicate that to you.

 

I understand this as people with boundary issues. Because they are not certain about who they are and what makes them feel complete or centered, they cannot express what they need. That's one explanation. There could be others. In most instances, I believe these issues relate back to relationships people have with their parents.

 

You detected selfishness within your partner. Trusting your instincts in the company of other people, where it is often difficult to tell black from white, is vital and necessary.

 

Whether or not you will ever know this person again is something only time will tell. Now focus on you. Your relationship with this person is over. In time and with NC, things will become clearer. You will have a better understanding of what you did wrong and what the other person did wrong. By evaluating those things, and by reading other people's stories on LS, you will begin to educate yourself and hopefully avoid those mistakes in the future.

 

You already sound like you have some emotional distance. Much more than most people who feel compelled to write in about something. That's not to say your work is done. But know that you're on the right path. And also know that pain is a great teacher.

[Elsea14]

Thank you for your wise words SycamoreCircle.

 

I definitely acknowledge that I projected some of my own insecurities on our relationship. I was argumentative at times and found it very difficult to be with someone who didn't understand my desire to hear from time to time that I was appreciated. I know that actions speak louder than words and, while he was mostly generous with his time and effort, I always felt that I was only getting 90%instead of 100% and it made me feel insecure.

 

He is a good person and I want nothing but the best for him. Call me naive but I just cannot understand how someone who loves and cares for you can change in such a short space of time and reject you.

[ballycastle]

 

He is a good person and I want nothing but the best for him. Call me naive but I just cannot understand how someone who loves and cares for you can change in such a short space of time and reject you.

 

Neither can i. It is what after over a year of heartache I cannot get over. We're they lying? Did they care at all? It has affected me so much the idea of when being intimate and trusting to another human being an impossibility.

 

I went out last night surrounded by loving couples and I couldn't understand what they have that I don't.

[kendahke]

I had an ex that acted like yours did.

 

He was involved with another woman and that is why he had the latitude to be nasty with me.

[SycamoreCircle]

Kendahke expressed it very well. And I wanted to mention that in my situation another man was in the picture, also.

 

Their behavior is a mixture of narcissism and cowardice.

[elaine567]

Importantly, his cruel, cold and sudden outlet of negative feelings has left me with very raw and painful insecurities that have been buried for some time. I understand that I contributed to the demise of our relationship but I'm so devastated by how cruel and cold he was during the break up.

 

He will be all over the place emotionally but has decided to end it. Many people when they have to break up, find it difficult to do so. They put on their cold and direct face, because they want to leave no room for any misunderstandings, and no room for you to persuade them that they are doing the wrong thing.

His decision made, he told you and he is standing by it.

He is protecting his own heart too, because I guess he knows if he lets down his guard, he will allow you to change his mind, he knows his anger will keep you away.

He knows he doesn't deep down want to continue with this relationship, so he spurns any advances.

He cuts you dead in case you get the wrong idea.

There are very few good ways to end a relationship, the worst IMO string people along or just fade, because they do not have the courage to tell them to their face.

He told you, it may not be what you want to hear, but he told you directly, be grateful for that.

[seminoles84]

Same happened to me. Another man was also in the picture (which didn't last haha).

[Elsea14]

Thanks for your contributions. You're right, it's definitely better to know up front that someone doesn't want to be with you. If there's another woman involved, I would be devastated but that's no longer for me to worry about.

 

I'm going to have a chat with a counsellor today because I want to get on top of these negative feelings and insecurities that have been inside of me throughout our relationship. They are personal insecurities that have been there long before my ex but I guess the way our relationship has ended and the things he had to say have made me feel awful.

 

You know he actually said "Whether you did it consciously or not, you've made me not want to be in a relationship with you."

 

That's very painful for me because essentially he's saying "You being you makes me want to get away from you." Not nice at all.

[Karin2rinkashi]

same happened to me. Another man was also in the picture (which didn't last haha).

 

win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Karin2rinkashi]

Thanks for your contributions. You're right, it's definitely better to know up front that someone doesn't want to be with you. If there's another woman involved, I would be devastated but that's no longer for me to worry about.

 

I'm going to have a chat with a counsellor today because I want to get on top of these negative feelings and insecurities that have been inside of me throughout our relationship. They are personal insecurities that have been there long before my ex but I guess the way our relationship has ended and the things he had to say have made me feel awful.

 

You know he actually said "Whether you did it consciously or not, you've made me not want to be in a relationship with you."

 

That's very painful for me because essentially he's saying "You being you makes me want to get away from you." Not nice at all.

 

If you want to get over your insecurities, become a person WHO DOES NOT GIVE A SINGLE **** ABOUT what people have to say, become someone invincible.... someone confident...

 

I have two things to say...

 

1) Self respect! You need to develop self respect. People will call it arrogance, ego, narcissism (which is often mistaken for self respect). Develop a lot of it... and let me tell you, that self respect without self control is NOTHING! If you can develop those two things, you are good

 

2) Watch a lot of Robert Downey Jr. LOL. That is just personal preference. The guy is a complete charmer, yet has this "nice" arrogance about him. Doesn't give a ****!

[elaine567]

You know he actually said "Whether you did it consciously or not, you've made me not want to be in a relationship with you."

 

That's very painful for me because essentially he's saying "You being you makes me want to get away from you." Not nice at all.

 

Just because a person may not want to live with cats, then that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with cats. Lots of people love cats

He decided he didn't want to take the relationship any further with you, that is his decision and it doesn't reflect badly on you.

Just because he doesn't want to be with you, then that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

[SycamoreCircle]

Thanks for your contributions. You're right, it's definitely better to know up front that someone doesn't want to be with you. If there's another woman involved, I would be devastated but that's no longer for me to worry about.

 

I'm going to have a chat with a counsellor today because I want to get on top of these negative feelings and insecurities that have been inside of me throughout our relationship. They are personal insecurities that have been there long before my ex but I guess the way our relationship has ended and the things he had to say have made me feel awful.

 

You know he actually said "Whether you did it consciously or not, you've made me not want to be in a relationship with you."

 

That's very painful for me because essentially he's saying "You being you makes me want to get away from you." Not nice at all.

My ex said some of the most vile things about me, none of it to my face, of course.

 

-Half-formed man.

-Terrible in bed.

-Bum.

-Need everything explained.

-Penny-pinching.

-Stinky.

-Fat.

-Lousy cook.

-Deluded worldview.

 

She covered all the bases, I'll give her that. The only nice thing she said about me was that I wasn't a jealous man. She was explaining to her friend why she didn't feel the least bit guilty about having an emotional affair with another man.

 

OP, at the time these criticisms were like knives in my back. I tossed them them over and over in my head, trying to pare truth from distortion. In the end, I realized that her "hatred"(she actually used that word) of me was not my doing, it was her doing. It was a self-hatred. The inadequacy she blamed me for was the inadequacy in herself.

 

We all have things about ourselves that we should work on. But never mistake coldness and maliciousness for an accurate reflection of what your weaknesses are.

 

If I care about my partner, then any shortcomings they have I would want to help them overcome, not begrudge and belittle them for it.

[Elsea14]

Wow, that is seriously harsh!

 

You're all right. I need to develop self respect so that I can set boundaries and expectations for my next relationship. If we don't agree, then I won't feel so bad if it ends because I'll have self respect and know that I'm making the right decisions and choices for me.

 

This will take time but I'm optimistic.

 

I gave a lot of love and support to my ex and I guess, at the end of the day, he no longer felt as though he wanted to give it back. He said to me: "I should want to do those things for you but I just don't."

 

I guess I'm feeling sad that after celebrating our anniversary last week, he's just come to the realisation that the doubts in his mind are too much to overcome together.

[LYNNLH]

Hello everybody

 

This is my first time posting and I'm hoping that you'll be able to share your advice and experiences with me.

 

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend for the second time. Communication problems and petty arguments have been frequent as of late and I was really feeling that he was acting very selfishly. I communicated this with him and asked if there was anything going on/he wanted to talk about because his behaviour had been irregular for him. He said he had nothing to talk about.

 

A week later, and he has dumped me, stating that he doesn't have the will to try and work out our differences. He says that he has doubts and cannot give me the love and support I want and that we are not on the same level of commitment. In fact, he was very cold and direct and is was shocked that he had bottled so much up.

 

I cannot help but feel he took real offence to me suggesting his behaviour is selfish; perhaps I've touched a raw nerve. He has been withdrawing all week ever since I said it. He seemed angry and irrational during the break up as if he was doubting his actions.

 

I have deleted phone numbers, texts, emails, photos - everything. I have asked him to never contact me again. He believes that we will cross paths again in the future but I am so hurt that it's so insulting he would even suggest it. Importantly, his cruel, cold and sudden outlet of negative feelings has left me with very raw and painful insecurities that have been buried for some time. I understand that I contributed to the demise of our relationship but I'm so devastated by how cruel and cold he was during the break up.

 

Has anyone had this experience before? How do you move past it?

 

I would very much appreciate your words.

 

Dear..I feel for you. I was also dumped in a very cruel and cold manner after 7 years and I have been in NC for more than a month to date. (you can read my story if interested)

I bolded what you have written and bravo to you. Keep this up. I too deleted everything in the next hour after the breakup and subsequently did the blocking (but not after I learnt my lesson..the hard way)..I am proud of myself for what I have done so far and I feel like I now have a shield over me..that this person can never hurt me anymore.

 

Please go to the extent to do whatever it takes to make sure that he is not able to contact you. Your heart and sanity are your prized possessions now. Take care of them. Never let anything set you back okay..

 

Keep NC...Never break it and each day tell yourself..I'm proud that I kept NC and he can never hurt me ever again.

[dv123]

I was with a girl for 7 years and we broke up. I was in a rock bottom place and my self esteem was smashed. I booked a trip to work in an orphanage in Africa for a week helping sick children. I know it sounds a bit random but it shifted my mind set completely and when I got back I realised that there is more to life and it's her loss that she couldn't share the memories with me anymore. Even though we didn't break up on bad terms, getting out of the environment and doing something just for YOU really does help,good luck

[elaine567]

I was with a girl for 7 years and we broke up. I was in a rock bottom place and my self esteem was smashed. I booked a trip to work in an orphanage in Africa for a week helping sick children. I know it sounds a bit random but it shifted my mind set completely and when I got back I realised that there is more to life and it's her loss that she couldn't share the memories with me anymore. Even though we didn't break up on bad terms, getting out of the environment and doing something just for YOU really does help,good luck

 

That was a lovely thing to do and a very positive one too, beats getting drunk and listening to sad music every night...

[Elsea14]

I'm very grateful for all the support on this thread. One thing I'm realising is that it's all about living in the now and not letting past or future clout my ability to see my life and the world for what it is at this very moment.

 

I really feel that the break up was a projection of his own personal guilt onto me. It's not my business to know what it is that he feels guilt about but I have learned from his mistake and I will NEVER treat anyone with the cruelty that he showed to me.