Making peace with a dumper

[marky00]

Guys,

 

From my other thread, you may know I was dumped by mf girlfreind of 10 years last month (overseas relationship). Yes, a new guy came on the scene (maybe about a 6 week overlap).

 

Is this thread about giving me a reason to break almost 40 days NC. Maybe?

 

But honestly, I have done all the reading (immediate post breakup) plus I also prepared myself pre-backup as to how I would handle myself should she ever drop the bomb on me (because she is Thai, saving face is paramount).

 

But here is my point. Great, I have my dignity and will have left the best possible image of myself in her mind. Bravo for me. NC has also given me some time to reflect on what I could have done better and slowly accept what has happened. So far so good.

 

But.....

 

Will all this stuff matter in a few years. Probably not.

 

Now just so you know, in the last 2 years I didnt put a foot wrong. Organised lots of holidays, kept up contact (3 times per week) and was generally supportive emotianally and financially. Having said that, I always acted slightly aloof (especially towards the end) as I just think that made her respect me more. So in otherwords yes I would contact but I would not do it out of neediness etc.

 

Remebering here, that we were in 2 different countries so the impression of distance/separation is always present.

 

Lets assume I am in a postion to contact such that it won't affect me in my healing (maybe a bold assumption but lets assume). Then what would be the reasons she would tell me to F Off?

 

Maybe these:

 

- She will assume I am trying to work my way back into the relationship (which is kind of silly since I know she has a boyfriend and is in a differnt country).

- She might see me a threat to her new relationship so may not want to risk contact.

- As the dumper she is hurting to some extent as well and doesnt want to bring up the past.

 

Ok, these may be valid reasons but are they reasons to never want to speak to someone ever again.

 

I have only been the dumper once and I will admit it was painful but relief did come a few weeks after but that situation was totally different. That person was in my city as was very emotinally unstable and was very needy/clingy etc. In these types of situations, the dumpee really does need to stay away. That girl rang me up about 6 months later in a calm and composed voice. We spoke for 5 minutes. I think i was her way of showing me she had totally moved and got her chit together. I was quite impressed.

 

Anway, getting back to my point. all the reading says run from the dumper and do NC. Maybe wait a few years and maybe then a frienship is possible.

 

But what about making peace with the dumper. Will it make me look weak? (maybe. maybe not). Will it show i don't respect myself? (maybe, maybe not). But lets face it, as dumpees we know we were at fault somehow and how better to rise above that and seek peace with the dumper?

 

In my situation of being in a different country, and the long gaps we had in contact sometimes, I think I could be ok with low contact. Why wait 3 years until we have moved on so much we wouldnt even know who we are anyway. I think my issue is that our relationship was so much based on friendship as well so it is the friendship part that is the bigger loss.

 

At the end of the day, we will all have to forgive our Ex, either my moving on via NC or having the guts to forgive them whilst still being in contact.

 

This probably all sounds totally unrealistic but I think there must be times when the dumper is not really saying "i never want to hear from you again". If one feels their dumper is in that category, why not reach out and make peace? Besides risking hurting yourself (possible), some people must have tried this. Any success?

 

I suppose I am different to most. I just hate the thought of 10 years vanishing into thin air. Salvaging something out of that 10 years would be nice. What that is, who knows?

[erklat]

You will be in that dump as long as you don't ask at least once in a wall of text

- what is in it for you.

[marky00]

Unfortunately, this girl will go to the temple for the next year and then she will be self-healed, thats how she rolls.

 

I agree about the validation but. Going NC immediate after leaving Bangkok has given her no further validation.

 

But is denying validation and ego-stroking ultimately a reason to never contact a dumper.

 

Because of her cultuer, she will deal with the guilt thing pretty well. If she had that on her plate as well, then I would be even more determined to stay NC.

[mightycpa]

Making peace...

 

Peace is leaving each other alone.

 

If you wish her well inside, that's good enough.

 

Read gnick's recent post. He kept bugging the **** out of her about it, and she finally had to get mean with him, and how he feels even worse.

 

Let it go, for your own sake.

[marky00]

I meant peace with the idea of keeping healthy amount of contact afterwards. If both parties saw a benefit in it.

 

I know as a dumper I was way to scared to contact the dumpee afterwards.

[mightycpa]

I meant peace with the idea of keeping healthy amount of contact afterwards. If both parties saw a benefit in it.

 

I know as a dumper I was way to scared to contact the dumpee afterwards.

I know what you meant. That's why I corrected the notion. What you want is pretty rare when it is so fresh. The best time to make friends is when you don't care whether you become friends or not. That way, you know the friendship is genuine, and so will she.

[LYNNLH]

Hi Marky..I remember you :-) Posted on your other thread as well..

 

Honestly..what do you really want from this?..is this just an excuse to break NC and speak to her? Can you honestly tell yourself..what do you really want from the 'peace offering' ..is that you are able to speak to her again and she will tell you that she wants you back?

 

I really hope that you will listen to everyone here. Please let her go..stay NC..move on and only focus on yourself..

[marky00]

What do I want.

 

Well the ending was truly herrendous and after such a long time in a relationship.

 

I am 99% sure she has overdone this to make sure I got the point which is totally not necessary. I have also told her not to contact me to ask me how I feel after she did that 2 times in bangkok before I left.

 

So I guess what this is about mostly is the ending. I think I could move on better if the ending was not so herendous. I have often been the dumpee but the girls always seem to break it off in a way that made sense and I healed fast.

 

This experience was ego crushing, trust-crushing, belief-crushing.

 

Given the ending, if I dont reach out, I doubt she will. I concede that this may just be her proetcting her new relationship at all costs but with no contact between us, I will never know.

[LYNNLH]

What do I want.

 

Well the ending was truly herrendous and after such a long time in a relationship.

 

I am 99% sure she has overdone this to make sure I got the point which is totally not necessary. I have also told her not to contact me to ask me how I feel after she did that 2 times in bangkok before I left.

 

So I guess what this is about mostly is the ending. I think I could move on better if the ending was not so herendous. I have often been the dumpee but the girls always seem to break it off in a way that made sense and I healed fast.

 

This experience was ego crushing, trust-crushing, belief-crushing.

 

Given the ending, if I dont reach out, I doubt she will. I concede that this may just be her proetcting her new relationship at all costs but with no contact between us, I will never know.

 

Marky..I'm not much better than you in any sense..I was also dumped in the most brutal blind-sided manner after spending 7 years of my life ( from my early 30's ..and now at 42..I find myself all dumped and all alone) with that person..trusting him, thinking he was my soul mate and best friend..He left me when he thinks he has a new life in another country..dropped me like a hot potato within 2 months..telling me he just doesn't love me anymore..you can just imagine the betrayal..and pain I felt..

 

I bolded the first part because my ending was as horrendous too..and the bolded second part..mine crushed my ego and trust as well..and broke my heart into pieces.

 

I do think I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment but please..nothing good will come out of this.

 

Sure..we feel this is just so unfair to us but what can we do about it? Leave them.

 

Move on..

 

 

Really..there is nothing much you can offer than just try your best to move on. Yes..it's hard..damn hard..but we can make it through..

 

 

Do you realize something? Find solace in the fact that she doesn't stay in the same country as you do. I relish in this fact myself daily as well. We should consider ourselves luckier than many..because this makes moving on much easier.

 

As long as you delete and block her in every way and keep staight NC..I promise you..we will reach the state of indifference one day.

 

The only reason people like us cannot move on is because we simply refused to let go (just like what you are doing right now). You keep ruminating and rehashing the breakup and keep thinking ways to stay in touch with her.

 

Why?

 

These people are gone. and don't forget. They can never hurt us again and we WILL NOT see them physically ever again..why? because we have a deep big ocean between us.

 

Stay strong..

[lop98]

all that brainstorming and going back and forth between scenarios remind me of me about... yeah, 40 days of NC, when I was SO NOT READY, not to get in touch and most definitely not healed to 'make peace' (when you're healed you actually realize how meaningless 'making peace' really is). You're just trying to find and justify to yourself a coherent reason to get back in touch, which is normal after barely a month of NC. Drop the idea and maybe consider it again on day 100, past the 90 day withdrawal. You'll see it's not even an idea with much value...