4 years down the pan.... Can I get her back?

[banana1522]

Sorry if this is pretty long (they usually are right..)

 

I was with my gf for 4 years. She is 24 this month and I am 32. February was our anniversary… We broke up two days after she returned from Japan (7 January) because I am an idiot and couldn’t stop sulking about her leaving the airport arrivals before I got there even though I told her I was coming to meet her instead of just being happy to see her again. In the end I should have made it clearer that I would be there but I didn't and she left before I got to the airport to pick her up so the incident was kinda both our faults.

 

So we talked, she told me she needed a break, and she needs to see what it is like to be with ‘other people’ because I am the only proper bf she has ever had. (Really she just lost attraction to me because of my behaviour but the lack of relationship experience had been a problem in the past too) Anyway I said that meant a breakup because either we are together or we aren’t and I’m not just going to hang around while she goes on dates to figure it out. (Said NO to dreaded "friends-zone"!) Then she said something I couldn't believe "I feel like I've wasted my youth for the last four years.." I got up, said bye and left her in the coffee house and didn't look back. Then she called and I ignored it.. She then came to my house to say sorry for what she said, I was still extremely angry (I have done so much for her and it really hurt that she said that) and told her to leave and it was over.

 

She texted me later saying she still loved me and was sorry for saying what she did, but that she still had to know what was "out there". I told her I loved her too and that I would miss her. The next day she tried to come to see me and try and make up saying "she couldn't imagine who else if not me" but I stood firm (like an idiot) and told her she had to decide whether she could handle just being with me and forgetting about this ‘other people’ thing or not. She changed her mind I guess as she never came around.. So basically I pushed her away.. Despite asking me to take her back in the beginning, in the end she pulled away after I resisted the temptation to talk to her when she asked to come over.

 

After a few days, I realised what I had done, that I had completely pushed her away and tried to get her to meet me. She said it was “too soon” but said she still wants me in her life and that that she still thinks of us getting married in the future (WTF?! lol) when she has experienced a bit more of life on her own i.e. other dudes. I reiterated that to me it meant it was over and that we may never see each other again. She said we could once we no longer "missed" each other. I left it there.

 

THE VERY NEXT DAY she agrees to going to a Valentine Rave that I had invited her to weeks before but had forgotten about on FB! I thought that might be a chance to rekindle things... From that day in January til Valentines day, no phone calls, no meaningful texts but the odd FB video on my wall and liking of each others posts and pics.

 

I was sort of hopeful for Valentines.. And sure enough we met that night, but my girlfriend was gone... She gave me the cheek when I tried to kiss her (always treat her like a lover - never a friend) and all night gave me little in the way of tactility, although we did hold hands a few times ("How'd ya like them breadcrumbs eh?"). As she left the club I told her again that I can't be friends and that I love her, I know I made mistakes and want to work things out but if not then to give me a call when she changes her mind. She kissed me on both cheeks, gave me a cheeky grin and said "I'll see you soon.." Who knows what that meant... Anyway I have not contacted her at all for two weeks now and neither has she. I am walking away and never looking back. This is what Corey Wayne teaches and it makes sense to me.

 

I have not burned that bridge because I still love her like no-one I have ever known and I want her back, even if takes years I know I will want to be with her again in the future because of the amazing four years we spent loving and supporting each other. She is the best girl I ever had (not to brag but I've had enough to know). I was with her for four years and we had mostly a great time together - except for my temper and her inexperience... We met each others families, lived together 2 years, all the usual serious couple stuff (marriage was spoken of in passing - but she is still young..)

 

On the plus side I did zero begging and pleading and we finally left it on good terms, still with love in each others hearts for one another (at least I like to think so for her side..) Like I said, ZERO contact from me so far (not gonna break!) and I am following Corey Wayne's advice on how to proceed.

 

I guess more than specific advice I am curious what you gents, and ladies of course, make of my situation? Does anyone see any hope for this to work out? And by the way, have you heard of Coach Wayne - if so what are your thoughts? One of the things he teaches, which seems to run contrary to what a lot of people on LoveShack believe, is that ANY contact from her part is to be considered her reaching out because she wants to see you and to say this if she messages: "Hey, great to her from you. I'd love to see you. When are you free to get together?" if she agrees, make a dinner date AT YOUR PLACE - this is to qualify that she isn't giving me the same "friends" BS as before and understands it is under MY TERMS (i.e. as lovers), if she flakes ask once more if she contacts again and then that's it, never bring up getting together again, unless she does. When you were dumped, you NEVER initiate contact (in the beginning of rekindling). S/he has to 100% of the chasing but you can still set dates and take it slowly. Now, on LS everyone says "Don't reply!" "Don't take the breadcrumbs of guilt!" But I don't know that I agree that this is a sensible way to view my situation. I want her back! I f-ed up! And we still love each other... (at least I do)

 

I think a big part of the strategy is also to not seem attached to the outcome (even though I am deep down). For her to want to come back, I have to appear happy with her or without her. You cannot let her think that you want to tie her back down to a relationship straight away as this would make you look like a doormat that can be walked all over and is a turn off to women you're trying to re-attract. But by letting her contact me 100% of the time and simply facilitating sex she will start to feel that attraction again, but she has to bring up the relationship status when she feels like it. In the meanwhile you just keep "hanging out, having fun and hooking up" and be the charming James Bond, and never chase... I suspect she will get into a rebound pretty quickly. In fact I kinda hope she does as I'm hoping this will show her the grass is not always greener... My best bet is still total NC for now of course, but in terms of re-attracting her..?

 

This is the strategy I'm currently using. Any thoughts guys? Thanks!

[gnick]

I think it's a good strategy. He also says don't waste time on the phone. Ask her to get together and if she says no or if she's unsure say you gotta run. Also according to his book you need to keep it fun .tease her and laugh.keep her talking. No relationship talk

[Ruby65]

So we talked, she told me she needed a break, and she needs to see what it is like to be with ‘other people’ because I am the only proper bf she has ever had. (Really she just lost attraction to me because of my behaviour but the lack of relationship experience had been a problem in the past too)

 

 

^ There's your problem right there. She TOLD YOU why she was breaking up with you. She's much younger than you are. She started dating you when she was only 20! You've been around, had over a decade longer to date other women....

 

... but instead of LISTENING to what she told you, you say no, no, no -- it's really because of ME and because I did A, B and C!

 

She told you the truth.

 

You're in the Bargaining Stage right now, trying to negotiate your way back into a relationship that's over.

 

Any "strategy" you try to employ will fail. Respect what this woman has told you and try to accept it.

 

You don't have to agree with the breakup.... but you do have to respect it.

 

Next time, find someone closer to your own age who's more likely to want a longterm commitment -- you two are at completely different stages in life, and this is part of the fallout from that.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[Satu]

The reality is that she doesn't want to be with you and wants to have sexual adventures with other men.

 

Corey Whatsamaface can't help you with that.

 

She will do what she wants to do.

[banana1522]

Thanks gnick. Not a whole lot else I can do I guess.. Did you see anything in his book that covers breakups though?! I couldn't see a chapter on how to deal with those....

 

Ruby - I did actually acknowledge in my original post that the age gap and her lack of experience of other relationships had been an issue, so I'm not sure why you think I didn't listen to what she said.. I know it was part of the issue but the fact is that it was my behaviour that prompted her to actually begin feeling like she needed to experience romance with other people. If I had been making her feel loved and not been such an emotionally reactive idiot when she got back from Japan I expect I would not be in this mess and she would still be with me. As for "any strategy you employ will fail", I simply don't agree. From reading the posts on this forum there are clearly some people who did so much damage post-breakup (begging, pleading and stalking) that they basically torpedoed themselves out of the picture but there also success stories. I don't think I have put myself in a bad position to rekindle something down the line.. I respected her need for a break, let her be, and have shut down all communication.

 

We were together for 4 years and before ending it and she still was telling me that she sees us getting married in the future so why should I give up completely?

 

I was hoping for some positive support, instead I feel a little brutalized tbh.

 

Thank you for your reply anyway and for the link.

[Ruby65]

There's positive support.... and there's blind optimism that leads you down a path of unnecessary suffering and heartbreak, which is what those how-to-get-your-ex-back systems are peddling.

 

Brutalized? Hardly. I'm guessing that being involved with someone so much younger has made you accustomed to calling the shots! But unlike your ex, you've got the strength that comes with age and experience -- so I'm sure you can handle some disagreement.

 

You can pretend to move on... use NC as a temporary manipulative tool to try and get her back a few months down the line.... but at some point you'll have to accept that she wanted out of this relationship and that sadly most breakups are permanent.

 

Like most dumpers, she's trying to keep you around as a safety net until she's secure in her next relationship. That's all.

 

Good luck to you -- and check out the link! It's a good guide for healing.

[gnick]

Thanks gnick. Not a whole lot else I can do I guess.. Did you see anything in his book that covers breakups though?! I couldn't see a chapter on how to deal with those....

 

Ruby - I did actually acknowledge in my original post that the age gap and her lack of experience of other relationships had been an issue, so I'm not sure why you think I didn't listen to what she said.. I know it was part of the issue but the fact is that it was my behaviour that prompted her to actually begin feeling like she needed to experience romance with other people. If I had been making her feel loved and not been such an emotionally reactive idiot when she got back from Japan I expect I would not be in this mess and she would still be with me. As for "any strategy you employ will fail", I simply don't agree. From reading the posts on this forum there are clearly some people who did so much damage post-breakup (begging, pleading and stalking) that they basically torpedoed themselves out of the picture but there also success stories. I don't think I have put myself in a bad position to rekindle something down the line.. I respected her need for a break, let her be, and have shut down all communication.

 

We were together for 4 years and before ending it and she still was telling me that she sees us getting married in the future so why should I give up completely?

 

I was hoping for some positive support, instead I feel a little brutalized tbh.

 

Thank you for your reply anyway and for the link.

 

The only thing he talks about is how to get your ex back and really the advice is the same as just trying to get over her. Go nc and don't chase