Considering a short break to get some space

[rs3399]

new (ish) around here but been reading the boards for a while.

 

to keep this simple: i am considering talking to my bf of 10 months (him 26, me 24) about taking a break and am wondering if anybody on the boards has been in this type of situation before.

 

some background: we've been fighting lately about stupid things mostly because we both have been very busy with school and havent had time for each other. i also feel he has been less affectionate lately (likely because he is stressed at school) and ive been feeling really insecure in the relationship. i think my insecurity has less to do with him and more to do with other things going on in my life that are making me a bit of an emotional wreck lately. to clarify i DONT want to break up with him. i love him and i know he loves me. when we last got into a fight i flat out asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no so i dont view this break as fading out breakup. i just think we could both benefit from some space and some time to think about our feelings and where the relationship is headed.

 

i am thinking of proposing a 2 week break where we agree not to see other people but simply to take some time apart to sort through our own feelings and lives in order to see if we truly want to continue being in a relationship and how to make it stronger. i suspect people will question my reasons for doing this so let me just say i have a few reasons: 1. i want some space to work out my insecurities without blaming them on him 2. things are rocky right now and something needs to change but i'm not ready to give up 3. i want to give him the chance to choose me since i've been the instigator a lot in the relationship

 

i'm wondering if anybody on here has had success in taking a break and getting back together? or if anybody has advice about how to go about taking a break? any advice would be super super helpful!

Edited March 1, 2015 by rs3399

[Mi7522]

new (ish) around here but been reading the boards for a while.

 

to keep this simple: i am considering talking to my bf of 10 months (him 26, me 24) about taking a break and am wondering if anybody on the boards has been in this type of situation before.

 

some background: we've been fighting lately about stupid things mostly because we both have been very busy with school and havent had time for each other. i also feel he has been less affectionate lately (likely because he is stressed at school) and ive been feeling really insecure in the relationship. i think my insecurity has less to do with him and more to do with other things going on in my life that are making me a bit of an emotional wreck lately. to clarify i DONT want to break up with him. i love him and i know he loves me. when we last got into a fight i flat out asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no so i dont view this break as fading out breakup. i just think we could both benefit from some space and some time to think about our feelings and where the relationship is headed.

 

i am thinking of proposing a 2 week break where we agree not to see other people but simply to take some time apart to sort through our own feelings and lives in order to see if we truly want to continue being in a relationship and how to make it stronger. i suspect people will question my reasons for doing this so let me just say i have a few reasons: 1. i want some space to work out my insecurities without blaming them on him 2. things are rocky right now and something needs to change but i'm not ready to give up 3. i want to give him the chance to choose me since i've been the instigator a lot in the relationship

 

i'm wondering if anybody on here has had success in taking a break and getting back together? or if anybody has advice about how to go about taking a break? any advice would be super super helpful!

 

You don't ask for a break! You communicate with him about what is bothering you and what is making you unhappy, that is the only way you'll be able to deal with the problems. If you take a break then you are letting him know you want to see what it's like to be without him. If you truly think this relationship has any sort of a chance then communicate your feelings and if you don't get the answers that are of any of substance from him, then I think it's time to end the relationship. You have obviously been thinking about things for awhile, now is your time to communicate to him what your expectations are and go from there

[sabd]

A break is a prelude to a breakup. If you don't sort out your problems together, nothing will change. The issues will remain and your relationship will not improve. Communicate and work it out or end it.

[Ruby65]

Agree with the above, don't ask for a break unless you're ready for a breakup -- and if that's the case, just break up with him instead!

 

Be very careful about using breaks and breakups as power moves to make a point or underscore your seriousness about an existing conflict. It's the ultimate threat -- the ultimate powerplay: do what I ask or I withdraw from the relationship.

 

But this kind of strategy will backfire. It's also unnecessary. It's time to use (or learn) the communication skills to make your point in a respectful way.... no need to threaten to pack up your toys and leave the sandbox!

[badpenny]

I have to agree with the above; if you are experiencing problems within a relationship, you either need to confront them, together, communicate together, and resolve them, together. A relationship is a partnership, and as such both members need to constructively work to make it work.

 

if you feel you need to distance yourself from your BF, and would rather do that than seek a unified solution, then you need to break UP with him, because in this specific area, there are no half-measures.

[rs3399]

wow im surprised to hear such negative responses so maybe i should clarify. I am not looking to break up nor use this as a power play. we have tried to communicate about our problems in the past and it seems to not have gotten resolved so i was hoping that taking a break would give us some time to look at the big picture about why we are together instead of continuously fighting about the little things.

 

it sounds like you all are assuming i am using this as a way to solve our problems but rather i am using it as a last resort. i understand it could lead to a breakup but that is not my intention going into it.

 

does anyone have any experience with a break going positively and not leading to a breakup?

[d0nnivain]

Breaks never go positively. We all have such negative opinions about breaks because we all know separation is not the answer.

 

 

If you need to downshift & spend less time together because mid-terms have you stressed, that's fine. But don't call it a break. Just say, this week I am only going to be able to see you on Friday night because I have to study.

 

 

This last resort -- spending time apart -- will not make things better. All it will do is prove to one of you that you can make it without the other.

[kendahke]

There is no such thing as a break--you're either together working out your problems or you're not together and if that's the case, they're free to see whoever they want to see.

 

Neglect never works to heal anything.

 

What you propose is not a last resort--it's you both not taking time out to make your relationship relationship a priority--and perhaps that's indicative of you both having outgrown the relationship or that it's past its shelf life.

 

If you can't do something as simple as communicate with one another, then that speaks of larger issues which absence isn't going to solve. Not talking to one another for 2 weeks isn't going to solve that--work, even with a relationship coach, solves that.

 

I say you both put your necks in the yoke and pull if this relationship is that important to you--it's time to do the heavy lifting if you want this relationship with this particular man.

 

What problem exactly are you not able to solve by communicating?

[CrystalShine2011]

It sounds like you aren't happy in this relationship...a break usually means animosity will stir especially if he really IS happy with the relationship.

 

I would sit down with him and explain what you are feeling, come to a resolution with him.

 

Good luck.

[rs3399]

If you need to downshift & spend less time together because mid-terms have you stressed, that's fine. But don't call it a break. Just say, this week I am only going to be able to see you on Friday night because I have to study.

 

thank you everyone for your advice a lot of what you have all said makes me think a break is not what i want because i don't want to break up. d0nnivain really hit the nail on the head we are both stressed with external issues that have nothing to do with our relationship. i like the idea of just spending less time together one week and that's really all I meant by take a break that we could both benefit from some space to work on our own external issues unrelated to the relationship.

 

 

 

What problem exactly are you not able to solve by communicating?

 

see this is why I thought taking some time apart would be beneficial idk if our issues are really relationship issues as much as us bringing outside issues into the relationship and letting it effect us

[badpenny]

It doesn't really matter where the issues have originated; the fact they're affecting the relationship, does. And if they're affecting the relationship, you need to articulate why you think they are, ask what he thinks, seek a solution together, and work on resolving the effects, together.

 

Just suggesting a break is going to ring all manner of alarm bells in his head, and even if you cite outside factors as a cause, he may not believe it.

 

This is why effective communication, and discussing things is so vital.

[d0nnivain]

External forces will always be there. If you think school is bad, wait until you have work dead lines & in-laws.

 

 

Use these hurdles to learn how to deal with external stressors.

[mightycpa]

In my experience, it has always been a sign of immaturity when external things impinge on the relationship. It's like you take out the bad stuff on the other person because you don't know any other way to act.

 

It really shouldn't be that way. Your BF/GF should be a refuge, not a scapegoat, or the target of your frustration.

 

If you've been this way, they you need to own up to your behavior, and try to figure out why you're taking it out on him/your time together, and vice-versa of course. If he's immature, and has been doing that sort of thing, it's going to be difficult to get him to see the light.

 

Sometimes you do need some time alone, but not because you want to take a break from the relationship. It's because you need to focus on your problem, and you expect that your relationship can survive a few days of separation, and you can acknowledge that it is distracting you from solving whatever it is that is making your life difficult.

 

Big difference.

[Purepony]

Alot of good advice. When.I first read the post I thought a break was the solution but it's true its either work it out or get out because there will be other times for example let's say you were married you wouldn't be able to take a break right?