flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) My BF and I were together for 3 years lived together for 2.Just about 3 months ago he told me that he felt unsure about us that he had been thinking and didn’t know if he saw a future with me and that he was very confused, that he didn’t want to string me along when he doesn’t know what he wants and that the relationship wasn’t progressing. So we lived together another couple weeks while we found new places to live it was hard but I handled it well and was understanding to him. After we parted ways to our own places I would hear from him at least every week and he would want to hang out every so often.Since the 2 months apart we have hung out 7-8 times and a week has not gone by he doesn’t at least contact me once (I never would be the one to contact him). At the end of the relationship he seemed so torn and kept saying he wanted a chance for us in the future, blah blah he said he needed this time to get over the sadness to see if I am the one and this is it. Most recently I asked him to hang out because I wanted totalk to him. He made reservations at this nice restaurant, he was complimenting me and very attentive then paid for dinner and was taking pics throughout ofour food and the place itself. While I do enjoy seeing him I feel like I am a drug addict that quit but still gets a fix every so often, like what are we doing you know? He wants me in his life obviously, but is he still confused? I don’tknow that is why I wanted to talk to him. At dinner we were so close to other tables it didn’t work to talk and when we parted ways he hugged me and said let’s hang out again soon at another cool restaurant. So when I got home I put together a long text. I told him that while I still care about him and if I’m honest still love him this seeing him and talking to him is too confusing and that I don’t know how he feels but I can only assume it’s the same as when we broke up and it’s easier for him to transition to friends. I told him that I want him in my life but not like this it’s too hard that I need to move on and get over everything and in order to doso I don’t think it’s a good idea we talk or hang out anymore. I told him I hope he understands and if he ever had an emergency I’m here but otherwise I don’t think we should be in contact. Thing is after I sent the message I got NO response from him(it’s now been 4 days). I was expecting at least an “ok, I understand and wishyou the best” especially based on how well I took the break up. Is he just a selfish jerk? Why would he not at least acknowledge my message? I guess the no response just proves I made the right choice, correct? My friends tell me I will probably hear from him at some point, but I think he is stubborn and he took my message and I will just never hear from him again. Edited February 11, 2015 by flowergirl1980 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe he just took you at your word, and now he's not talking to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Agreed, but don't you think my message at least warrants a response or acknowledgement? Like to respond to say he understands or something? then go into the not communicating? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Agreed, but don't you think my message at least warrants a response or acknowledgement? Like to respond to say he understands or something? then go into the not communicating? No. You said you didn't want to talk, and he complied. His silence IS your acknowledgement. If you wanted to have a goodbye session, you should have asked for one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OK_computer Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Wait but does that mean you can contact him if YOU have an emergency too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Wait but does that mean you can contact him if YOU have an emergency too? well yes I mean he never asked me not to contact him he has always stayed in touch and would text me to drive safely on days when it was snowy out and just random things....so anyways I guess I thought he would give a short response of acknowledging receipt honestly I feel a little regretful now I love him and want him in my life but it's hard when I feel like he dumped me and hanging out with him makes me wondering why he wants to see me life that...the no response to me just shows he doesn't care enough to do what it takes to have me in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) You told him you didn't want to hear from him again, and now he's a selfish jerk because he hasn't contact you? I don't follow your logic. He gave you what he wanted, even though it's clearly not what he wanted. That is the opposite of selfish. the no response to me just shows he doesn't care enough to do what it takes to have me in his life. To me it shows that he is respecting your decision and feelings by following your request. Edited February 11, 2015 by PegNosePete 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You told him you didn't want to hear from him again, and now he's a selfish jerk because he hasn't contact you? I don't follow your logic. He gave you what he wanted, even though it's clearly not what he wanted. That is the opposite of selfish. To me it shows that he is respecting your decision and feelings by following your request. Yes, but when someone pours out their heart and lets you know what and why they need something I would THINK a person would again acknowledge they received the message and that they understand. and as to the second point, what I mean is he knows I want more if he was willing to give me more he would do what it takes but instead he is willing to let it all go instead Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You asked him not to contact you and he respected your wishes. What exactly is the problem here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 If someone tells you they don't want to hear from them again, the first thing you would do is to reply? Sorry but I think your logic is severely flawed here. Maybe you just want to hate him and are looking for an excuse. Well OK, if you need an excuse then go ahead. But I don't think he has done anything wrong. You asked him not to contact you again, and he didn't. That is what most sensible guys would do. Responding would usually trigger a response of "I TOLD YOU NOT TO CONTACT ME ANY MORE" and you would be on here complaining that he still won't leave you alone even after you told him not to contact you any more. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 If someone tells you they don't want to hear from them again, the first thing you would do is to reply? Sorry but I think your logic is severely flawed here. Maybe you just want to hate him and are looking for an excuse. Well OK, if you need an excuse then go ahead. But I don't think he has done anything wrong. You asked him not to contact you again, and he didn't. That is what most sensible guys would do. Responding would usually trigger a response of "I TOLD YOU NOT TO CONTACT ME ANY MORE" and you would be on here complaining that he still won't leave you alone even after you told him not to contact you any more. I guess I see your point of view and it makes sense now, I didn't look at it that way before because like you said maybe I am looking for a reason to hate him. But would you agree that if he cared about me and really loved me enough he would do what it takes so he wouldn't lose me from his life? Even after I sent that message he knows I love him and want to be in each others lives just not like this....he could step up, but instead he will just back off completely since I told him that's what it has to be. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, but but nothing. You told him it's best that you don't keep in communication with one another. If you wanted him to acknowledge you telling him not to talk to you any more (talk about sending mixed signals), then you should have said that. He doesn't want a relationship with you on your terms. It's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 But would you agree that if he cared about me and really loved me enough he would do what it takes so he wouldn't lose me from his life? Even after I sent that message he knows I love him and want to be in each others lives just not like this....he could step up, but instead he will just back off completely since I told him that's what it has to be. I think that you're sending mixed signals and he more than likely is over that. If you dont' want someone to do something, then don't tell them not to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
OK_computer Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, but when someone pours out their heart and lets you know what and why they need something I would THINK a person would again acknowledge they received the message and that they understand. and as to the second point, what I mean is he knows I want more if he was willing to give me more he would do what it takes but instead he is willing to let it all go instead You 'would think' and earlier you used the word 'expect,' I think your're nitpicking and being presumptuous about what your bf feels. You can't make a a decision based on what you think he thinks. To me it sounds like you told him to back off and he did. For you to expect him to come back after you told him to stay away is crazy! His acknowledgment is evident by him BACKING THE EFF off lol as per your own words. you can't have your cake and eat it too. and you need to start making up your mind about what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 It was his decision to dump you, he was in control. He then thought, but I miss her company so why can't we just be friends? He contacted you, you didn't reject him, he hung out with you and he thought everything was just fine. He liked the fact he is not in a relationship with you, but can hang out with you when he felt the need. Any guilt he felt after he dumped you is relieved because you are both being so adult about it and no-one is hurt anymore and everything it rosy. He probably thought it IS possible to be just friends with an ex. His next step probably was to start discussing the woman in his life with you and to start asking for your advice... Only it isn't OK from your side of the fence, you tell him it isn't, he realises his mistake and backs off immediately to stop hurting you any further. Or he was slightly peeved by your text as he genuinely thought you were past all that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I guess I see your point of view and it makes sense now, I didn't look at it that way before because like you said maybe I am looking for a reason to hate him. But would you agree that if he cared about me and really loved me enough he would do what it takes so he wouldn't lose me from his life? Even after I sent that message he knows I love him and want to be in each others lives just not like this....he could step up, but instead he will just back off completely since I told him that's what it has to be. The point is he already had ended it with you. He tried to be friends with you after the split but probably realized the last time you asked to hang out with him and talk that the friendship wasn't really working either. Talk about what? Your relationship? Nothing is more annoying than to break up with someone and they continue to beat a dead horse. I hate to say this but you probably let him off the hook when you sent that text. Now he has no reason to contact you again. You want him to "step up"? He has already broken up with you so don't expect him to change his mind. You have to move forward with your life now because that is what he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 It was his decision to dump you, he was in control. He then thought, but I miss her company so why can't we just be friends? He contacted you, you didn't reject him, he hung out with you and he thought everything was just fine. He liked the fact he is not in a relationship with you, but can hang out with you when he felt the need. Any guilt he felt after he dumped you is relieved because you are both being so adult about it and no-one is hurt anymore and everything it rosy. He probably thought it IS possible to be just friends with an ex. His next step probably was to start discussing the woman in his life with you and to start asking for your advice... Only it isn't OK from your side of the fence, you tell him it isn't, he realises his mistake and backs off immediately to stop hurting you any further. Or he was slightly peeved by your text as he genuinely thought you were past all that. I think this is pretty spot on! only thing is he would always tell me everything he had been up to and be sure to tell me who he had hung out with (always guys) BUT I know he is a man and I am sure there are girls he is seeing at any rate. I think I made the best decision based on the fact I would have been hurt more in the long run. SO even though it was hard based on everything I know and have heard best for me and my heart in the long run. Like you said I think he was more than happy to not have a relationship with me but get to see me whenever he wanted.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 The point is he already had ended it with you. He tried to be friends with you after the split but probably realized the last time you asked to hang out with him and talk that the friendship wasn't really working either. Talk about what? Your relationship? Nothing is more annoying than to break up with someone and they continue to beat a dead horse. I hate to say this but you probably let him off the hook when you sent that text. Now he has no reason to contact you again. You want him to "step up"? He has already broken up with you so don't expect him to change his mind. You have to move forward with your life now because that is what he's doing. just an FYI when I asked him to hang out I said nothing about needing to talk...so he had no idea I wanted to until I sent the text. and maybe I let him "off the hook" as you said but highly doubt it since he was always texting me and wanting to see me....he wants his cake and to eat it too....but I ended that for my own well being. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Flowergirl, welcome to the friendzone. The things about not wanting to lose you are to help make it easier for him to break up with you and keep you in his life. He gets to basically 'date' you (going out to dinner, lunches, etc) but with none of the boyfriend commitment. He gets to talk about his life and his problems and he gets to see you but he literally does not have to put in any work. Your text to him was very clear. You did not want him to contact you anymore so he is respecting your wishes. I think you made it easier for him emotionally during the breakup because you were still there so he got to ween himself off of you slowly. The best thing to do would be to move on and put it in the past. You got exactly what you asked for and no response is a sign of respect for your wishes and your feelings. By not responding, he is giving you a chance to move on with your life and not cling to him or the idea of him. It doesn't matter what he said in the past, all that matters is right now what you are doing for yourself and your feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
calgary Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I don't know, if it was me and i dumped a girl, i wouldn't take her out to a nice restaurant, pay for it all, compliment her and then offer to do it again if i only wanted to be friends. Maybe he was trying to slowly reconcile rather than jump right back into things again? I don't know if he gave off a flirtatious vibe or anything though, i wasn't there to say. But honestly, why would he do all of that? I don't think i'd ever do that for a girl i'm not interested in, in a romantic way. If i did that with one of my friends that's a girl, i'm sure she'd think i was interested in her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I don't know, if it was me and i dumped a girl, i wouldn't take her out to a nice restaurant, pay for it all, compliment her and then offer to do it again if i only wanted to be friends. Maybe he was trying to slowly reconcile rather than jump right back into things again? I don't know if he gave off a flirtatious vibe or anything though, i wasn't there to say. But honestly, why would he do all of that? I don't think i'd ever do that for a girl i'm not interested in, in a romantic way. If i did that with one of my friends that's a girl, i'm sure she'd think i was interested in her. yeah that is what was so confusing to me and I feel like if his plan was to slowly reconcile he should have talk to me or even still could talk to me about it so we are on the same page, like tell me he wants to take it slow and date while not dating other people I would have been willing but he didn't tell me that. Do you think by my sending that message and letting him know it's confusing to me and that I want him in my life but not like this that it could motivate him to make a decision to let me know what he wants or just probably pushed him away to realize he needs to leave me alone and let me move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I don't know, if it was me and i dumped a girl, i wouldn't take her out to a nice restaurant, pay for it all, compliment her and then offer to do it again if i only wanted to be friends. Maybe he was trying to slowly reconcile rather than jump right back into things again? I don't know if he gave off a flirtatious vibe or anything though, i wasn't there to say. But honestly, why would he do all of that? I don't think i'd ever do that for a girl i'm not interested in, in a romantic way. If i did that with one of my friends that's a girl, i'm sure she'd think i was interested in her. And to add no there really wasn't a flirtatious vibe I guess I mean I didn't feel he was really flirty at all - he never tries anything physical with me Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I don't know, if it was me and i dumped a girl, i wouldn't take her out to a nice restaurant, pay for it all, compliment her and then offer to do it again if i only wanted to be friends. Maybe he was trying to slowly reconcile rather than jump right back into things again? I don't know if he gave off a flirtatious vibe or anything though, i wasn't there to say. But honestly, why would he do all of that? I don't think i'd ever do that for a girl i'm not interested in, in a romantic way. If i did that with one of my friends that's a girl, i'm sure she'd think i was interested in her. I've been in the same place as the op. My ex broke up with me but still continued to 'date' me. Where he would take me to dinner and hang out with me All the time. He would also invite me to all of his family gatherings and always expected me at Sunday dinner with his parents. He would also act really boyfriendy when we would go out. But then he said he doesn't see a future with me and isn't in love with me anymore. If that's the case, then why did he put in so much effort? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I've been in the same place as the op. My ex broke up with me but still continued to 'date' me. Where he would take me to dinner and hang out with me All the time. He would also invite me to all of his family gatherings and always expected me at Sunday dinner with his parents. He would also act really boyfriendy when we would go out. But then he said he doesn't see a future with me and isn't in love with me anymore. If that's the case, then why did he put in so much effort? what ended up happening between the two of you in the end? I guess it sounds like he really cared about you, but not in the wife/girlfriend way maybe? IDK Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 what ended up happening between the two of you in the end? I guess it sounds like he really cared about you, but not in the wife/girlfriend way maybe? IDK We ended up doing this half boyfriend dance for almost two years. Where I was basically his girlfriend but we didn't call it that. I found out that he was sleeping with another girl at the same time as me, and hid it from me for a year. That was what I needed to finally put an end to it. The biggest thing that I still don't understand is why he went out of his way for me. He literally did things that I did not ask him to do nor did I expect him to do since we wernt officially bf/gf. Maybe it was the guilt? I really think that he is kind of delusional. I asked him to let me go if there was no future. I went NC. But he still pursued me. And he really had no answer when I asked him all of this. He could not come up with a reason as to why he continually chased me and did nice things for me. I went through a really rough time and he was always there for me and basically tried to make it okay for me. Which hurts me more now because I relied on him for that support and it's all gone now. Link to post Share on other sites
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