When people say "I need some time away," or, "I need some space," etc does it me

[havNfun]

When people say "I need some time away," or, [color=darkblue]"I need some space,"[/color] or, "I want NC for now, but, perhaps in a couple months I might re-consider 'we'll see'," etc.

 

Realistically, does this USUALLY pretty much mean that the person saying this is actually just saying that they want to have sex with others? Aren't they really asking for a license to screw around sexually without having to feel guilt - so they ask for a 'temporary reprieve' from faithfulness? I mean, why else would they wish to put a different 'label' on things. If wanting to screw around with others is NOT what they desire and mean, they could, instead, say [color=darkblue]"I am totally devoted to you, and would never cheat on you. I wish to grow with you and make things better. To do this I need a break from you, BUT, don't worry - I'll be back and I love you."[/color] etc.

 

Seems like that would be more like what would be said if it didn't boil down to wanting sex - either with someone they already know of - or, sexual variety in general?

 

what are your thoughts?

[bbwcfan]

Depends on the situation. My g/f of 4.5 years pretty much told me she is not obligated to me anymore, and wants to go out and date, and she might contact me "not in the near future". Now, do i take this as, "hey I'm going to go have sex with others and never talk to you?" I am pretending so. But I truly believe if a girl loves you, and even says she needs SPACE and TIME and to be independent, she will come around.

[Weird]

I think there is a % of people who say and do basically want to go and fug around but there are peole who say that and don't have a desire to go and screw other people. Not everyone revovles their life around sex and some who want space, time away, break, etc just want to focus their time on toher stuff in their life.

[bluechocolate]

I've never understood the "space" thing. To me it doesn't matter what it means because if someone said to me,

 

"I need some time away," or, "I need some space," or, "I want NC for now, but, perhaps in a couple months I might re-consider 'we'll see',"

 

I would say good-bye.

 

Rarely do these "space-needing" people ever come back.

[havNfun]

Weird,

 

That is probably true. Why then, must they always - as far as I have experienced - ask for a different designation for the relationship. In my experience, people never say "I want time on my own but I am still your devoted monogamous partner."

[havNfun]

Bluechocolate,

 

I pretty much agree. Because, to me, the way to make a relationship better, is to communicate and be with the person. It's always been difficult for me to understand how space is productive for a relationship.

 

I know that sometimes a partner will separate because the other has an addiction, or, has problems that the other can't deal with. So, sometimes people will leave until the other takes care of a problem or to force the other to solve a problem. This I understand and can see how sex may not have anything to do with it. Otherwise, seems to me like space means they want action.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by havNfun

Bluechocolate,

It's always been difficult for me to understand how space is productive for a relationship.

 

Me too. I can understand needing more time alone within a relationship but wouldn't accept someone stepping outside of it entirely, with some vague intention that they may or may not want to come back to you at some unspecified time in the future. At it's most basic I think it's selfish & cowardly to expect that someone should tolerate being in a position like that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

As comedian Jeff Foxworthy says:

 

"I need some space…" is only half a sentence.

 

What they REALLY mean is: "…without YOU in it!"

[gwennebe]

Anytime someone says that it usually means they want to break up because..

A. They either found someone else they are interested in

B. They just plain don't want to date you anymore

 

It all boils down to they don't want to hurt your feelings and they are hoping you will just go away forever.

 

I don't believe in the space crap. You either love somone and want to be with them or you don't. Of course there are always those EXCEPTIONS but they are very very rare. It's best for one not to think they are an exception in this case and just move on to someone that doesn't requre space.

[ltomlinson81]

Sadly, I agree with gwen. "I need some space" is a cop-out line so that the truth does not have to be told. The person who says "I need space" merely does not want to be with the other, or would rather be with someone else.

[RowanRavyn]

I have been contemplating this. Occassionally I hide in the bedroom. I close the door and put up a sign that says, "I'll be back in an hour". I just need a little space.

 

Thats not exactly the same thing, but I understand being so crowded that you want a little time alone, especially if a partner is overbearing. (like my ex) Perhaps a taste of freedom without the constant crowding lets them know that this relationship is not what they want anymore.

 

Sometimes I am sure its just an excuse. They don't want to be the one that "Breaks up" or maybe they want to have their cake and eat it too.

[Ruff Ryder]

In my experince.... If a personce wants space this means that they cant take it (you) any more.

 

If a person needs spance that mean that you cant go foward in a relanshonship so putting it blunt your not going to recover from that. So back off and dont pay attention anymore. I was engaged for over a year and then she pops up and says i want space. So hat is what i gave her BUT she still wants to live in my houde and live off my money so in actule fact she didnt want space she wanted something else all together what i dont know however im dating someone else and she cant take it. Now the story is that she loves me and misses me and and and but you all know the story once burt is enought.

 

So the space thing is an excuse for I dont want you any more or it could be a simple give it time.

 

Read the following its damn good

 

To all play boys and play girls, maried, single, flirting etc, this is for you, please pass to all people that you know

 

 

 

In love and life don’t ever play games. If you love someone, TELL them, if you don’t, TELL them. The human heart is a very complex thing in that it makes us do the strangest things when it reaches a point of desperation especially when we are hurting. I’m sure many of us have reached that point where we find ourselves attacking the competition “in the name of LOVE” even attacking the object of your affection, some of us have even found ourselves hiding behind bushes or tagging the car playing spy.

 

 

 

At the end of it all, relationships, whether friendships or romance, need two elements to survive - COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE and it needs another two elements two fall apart – PRIDE AND STUPIDITY.

 

 

 

Too proud to say I’m sorry, too proud to say I’m hurting, too proud to say I’m feeling a little insecure. And so stupid, stupid enough to let them go because you think they will be back, stupid enough not to tell them that you love them because you think they will stick around longer if you play hard to get, stupid enough not to answer their calls when you have a fight because you want to make them hurt and you want to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. Watch out you are not the one who learns a lesson. If it’s worth a great person walking out of your life, possibly for good, then by all means knock yourself out.

 

 

 

But don’t cry when that person never calls again, or finds solace in another’s arms, or throws themselves off a twenty story building because the pain you were causing them was too much to bear.

 

 

 

Don’t cry when a beautiful relationship is broken and can’t be fixed because YOU chose to play games instead of laying your cards on the table and working it out. Say exactly what you feel and ask exactly what you want to know. No matter how STUPID you sound. At least you will know exactly where you stand.

 

 

 

And even if after you’ve poured your heart and it still doesn’t work out, you will be at peace because you know you did your best on your part. Your conscience will be clear and you will move on knowing that you didn’t go down without a fight.

 

 

 

Loving someone is not a game.

 

 

 

People are not pyramids; you can’t go off on your own selfish trip and expect to find them in the exact same spot you left them weeks ago. If you don’t take care of your partners needs when they need you to, what guarantee do you have that somebody else won’t.

 

 

 

So when you find your partner in your best friend’s arms or hear they are getting married to someone you thought was just a “rebound trip” after you let them go without a fight:

 

 

 

Don’t cry, ‘cause while you were busy playing games…….SOMEBODY ELSE WASN’T

 

[JohnJohn]

I want space = I am not happy in the relationship. Be with someone that wants to be with you. If someone really appreciates you then they would not risk losing you by saying stuff like that.

 

Some people like to say that or "I'm not sure what I want right now". Which means that they can do whatever they want, whenever they want or to whomever they want.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

loved the post by Ruff Ryder! it has made a very depressed man feel a bit better, my mother virtually told me to do this tonight!

 

i don't know if there is a difference but my girlfriend didn't ask me for space but she said she wanted a week apart to think about what we said to one another (this was last Friday after probably a stupid breakup ), she said she would call me Friday lunchtime, don't analyse this or get paranoid, i feel unwell lately, i'm not going to drink for a week and I should feel better, she said she wants to go out on Friday night with me for a night out

 

is there any difference? i've never had this before... breakups were always the very end

[Ruff Ryder]

Well the way i see it is..... Well there is a song that says it best. ill just quote a few lines.

 

"everybody needs a little time away I heard her say from eachother everyone needs a holiday far away from the one that they love"

 

So in a sence some times a break away is a very healthy good thing you see you dont really know what you have till its gone so even if it for a few days they will soon realize that they miss you.

 

I wouldnt read to deep into it just feel the situwation out and if it goes from bad to worce at least you wont wake up 10 years from now and wonder what if....

 

Take it one day at a time and hey maybe youll see that you dont need them in your life but dont get court out if they out having a blast GET OFF YOUR ASS and go have fun too.

 

Hope that helps a bit..

[Treasa]

My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of times, saying he needed "space". He didn't date anyone else. Neither time lasted very long, either. In our case, though, I was stifling him. I was constantly calling him, always wanting to hang out, etc. He was feeling smothered. As soon as I backed off and did my own thing more, he no long needed space.

[JohnJohn]

As soon as I backed off and did my own thing more, he no long needed space.

 

It's amazing how that works, isn't it?

[bbwcfan]

Yeah I moved on and found someone better.. it's WEIRD how THAT works eh

[AriaIncognito]

Well, i think my case is one of those "exceptions".

 

I'm not looking to date someone else. I'm not looking to have sex with anyone else. I told him that I wanted to give HIM space because he had lost his job and he needed the time to devote to looking for another one. He's not the type to accept help, and I'd be asking him daily how it was going, and since he wants to do things on his own time, we'd just end up killing eachother, so I figured it was best for both of us to just take a break while he got his life more in order.

 

Now, whether or not he's actually doing so, could and does speak volumes about what our relationship means to him. I called him 5 days ago, after 8 days of NC, and he was all "i love you" "baby" "sweety" etc but then when I asked him how the search was going, he basically told me he's not started to look yet. It'll be 3 weeks this monday that he lost his job.

 

So, maybe my situation is the exception? Else, maybe I'm just using it to cushion the blow of our final breakup, which at times, seems inevitable, due to our differing motivations in life. Who knows.

 

Relationships suck.

 

Tomorrow is my first saturday night with nothing to do since we split too. I hope i dont spend too much time wallowing.. I hate when I wallow.

 

Jennifer

[MTL76]

Reading these posts about people needing space has been fantastically therapeutic. Here's my situation:

 

After 3 wonderful weeks with "Marcy", I began picking up subtle signs of discontent. Oh sure, we'd still have great sex, and spend a lot of time together, but little things.. like less texting than we used to, less eagerness on her part to see me, and an increase in her drinking and partying with so-called 'friends' (which excluded me).. these things began to weigh on my mind. I asked her about it, and she said that she now realized she wasn't completely over her ex.. not that she wanted him back though: She was SO happy with me, but she was afraid that I would have expectations.. basically I told her I wanted us to be exclusive, and I wanted to see her as much as possible while still allowing her freedom. We whole-heartedly agreed.

 

Things were fine for another week, then she left an enigmatic voice mail to the effect of "Something happened, not with you, you know I can't resist you but I need a couple days to think".

 

Turns out she recently discovered that her ex (she left him 3 months ago) has basically come 'out of the closet', which I've heard can have a rather devastating effect on a woman - she can't compete with another man! We talked about it, and were ok for a few more days, until she broke plans with me because she was with her friends and drunk.. apparently she had heard more things about her boyfriend being gay while they were still together. Also, her mom, back in Brazil, was having some minor health problems, and she was feeling guilty that she was unable to return to see her.

 

The next day she invited me over to a nice breakfast, and apologized. I spent the night and all of next day with her, it was very nice, until I started to become physically intimate, and let me tell you, that had never been a problem in our relationship! Anyway, she stopped me and said that due to the ex-boyfriend-gay-thing, she felt sort of 'used' by him, and she cried and apologized so many times, and I told her "it's ok baby, I like you more than just for sex"

 

This led into a very tearful, open communication about 'us' and our feelings. She very sincerely said something to this effect: "I need some time to think.. I like you so much, it's not fair to you - you've been so perfect for me, but you met me at this terrible time in my life, I don't want to lose you".

 

Now, for my part, I believe that she meant what she said. I've heard similar things from women in the past, but none were as convincing or sincere; besides I truly trust "Marcy", in every way. It's not about either of us seeing other people, and I don't get the vibe that her feelings for me have changed, except that an external force is messing up her emotions right now. I told her I was going hold off on calling her for a few days, let her think and sort things out. That was 6 days ago, the last time we spoke in person.

 

So why am I posting this? Perhaps there is a twinge of doubt as to our future. Certainly I've had the toughest time in the world, not calling someone with whom I communicated with on a daily basis before. In fact I've texted her and sent her email a couple times... she responded only to one of my text messages. I am happy to say I've never been in her situation before.. consequently I'm having trouble understanding why she wouldn't want me (someone she likes and cares about) around. Don't you think it would make her feel better if I were with her?

 

Although before her revelation about her boyfriend, we were undoubtedly falling in love, certainly this relationship is young: we have a lot to learn about each other yet.. but there was so much potential, that I'm not willing to give up. So basically my question is "can external emotional issues really drive you away from someone you like very much (or even love), rather than bring you closer? In your honest opinion, do you think this relationship is salvageable.. in other words, is it an exception to the apparent consensus that "I need space" signals relationship death?

THANKS!

[MnkyGirl]

Just because someone "wants space" or "needs time alone" doesn't mean they are going to run right out and date...

 

My bf told me he needed those things...it has been a month and a half now...he doesn't do anything but sit at home and play on his computer, and think about what to do in his life. He used to be very active in the bar scene, then moved in with me and my kids, I think it was too much for him. He doesn't go out at all anymore...since we split. I do. I go out and have fun, I am not picking up on guys or anything because I do love him and I want to wait for him but I won't wait forever. I am giving it 4 months...if he doesn't come around then I am moving on...

 

Thing is...at first I was calling him all the time and wanting to hang out...then I figured that isn't giving him what he wants so I backed off....way off...I don't call him or bother him...that lasted 2 days...if I don't call him and 2 days pass he calls me to talk. He has been a lot nicer since I backed off, I am hoping it draws him closer to me by me not being so smothering...

 

Each situation with the "needing space" thing is different...of course there are people that say it and are just being nice...you have to judge your own relationship, you can't tell people what type of "space" their bf/gf want...it is something we need to figure out for ourselves...

[WindDrifter]

Hi All,

 

I am so glad I have found people I can relate to.

 

My g/f (or whatever she is now) broke up with me 2 days before New Years while we were away at a 4 day festival with all of her friends. We had been together nearly 3 years but we had broken up about 5 times before for a day or two when she wouldn't know what she wants. I would back off but then the pain would be too much for her and then we would get back together. This time though she said she needed a complete break.

 

We ended up crying for most of the night in our small tent in each others arms out of fear this could be the end but also out of pain. I also cried as it was the hardest thing I could do was set my lover free. We love each other so much but if somethings not right even for one parter it needs to be sorted out. The thing I loved about our relationship was the way we would always talk about everything. No secrets. We couldn't keep secrets as we could always tell if something was wrong. The funny thing was I thought she was fine as she hadn't mentioned anything for about 6-9 months but then she told me she still had worries on the odd occassion but didn't tell me.

 

After reading various threads and talking to my mom (they are so wise) I realised the best thing I can do is give her what she wants. A complete break. No conditions. No rules. I don't believe she wants to be with anyone else and that is what she has told me. She just doens't know if she is ready for marriage. She has asked me to give her this space and I said she would then make the rules about contact. I told her I will not call her at all. If she wanted to speak I would be here. If she wanted to meet up I would be here but I wasn't going to intiate anything. That way at least I will know she wants to be with me. She also said that if we do get back together that will be it. She wants us to move in together and even get married ASAP but I would want to wait just to make sure all is okay.

 

The worst thing about all of this is the crying. I am in control now but everytime I see her she starts to cry and my heart breaks. I wish I could so something to make her feel better but this is her choice.

 

I also deep down hope that she can get to this place in herself where she can make a decision as soon as possible.

 

Its been 48 hours since out last contact and I been trying to get on with my life. Its so hard when you depend on someone so much and share all your secrets, ambitions and dreams for one moment to take it all away.

 

Like some have said before better it happens now than once we get married and have kids. All I can do is take a risk and give her the space and support and hope in a couple weeks or 2-3 months she wants to be with me. In a way this is a win win but just a little hard to swallow.

 

I also wonder sometimes if they just might be scared of spending forever with one person. Maybe she wants some wild time before settling down and if it is that all then all she can do is hope that I am available when she done as I am not going to be waiting around.

 

Also on a side note I am South African and live in Australia and it is quite common for people here to break up for 6 months and see other people after being a long term relationship and then get back together to then get married. Has anyone heard of this before. I know quite a few couple who have done this and both partners saw other people and were happier when getting back together? I might just be to conservative but when I am with someone I don't want anyone else and for me to be with someone else I can no longer be in love with someone else. It might just be an aussie thing?

 

Thanks for all the chat guys and girls but to end off I would like to say that each person, couple and relationship is different. Do what you feel is right and what makes you happy. I am happy to wait but not forever and I won't be taken for granted!

 

Peace and love to you all in the New Year!

 

Cheers,

WD

 

p.s. Thanks for letting me vent

[insomnie]

Wind Drifter, your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine, only roles reversed. Here I am the needing space girlfriend. I like to think of my relationship as an exception as well, and I also really do love my boyfriend want to be with him for the long term, get married, grow old together, etc. I just feel like I need time to focus on myself for a while without the pressure to be completely in love and thinking about him all the time, something I always feel compelled to do in relationships. I also kinda want a last wild time before settling down...and I don't even mean sex or dating other people. I just want to be free to do whatever I want without feeling like I've let someone down or thinking that I would not be doing these things if I was truly in love. In a word, I want to be single for now. Not with anyone else, just single. I would pick current boyfriend over and over again, and know that I definitely want to be together with him again. Maybe your girlfriend is thinking similar things? I sympathize with your situation. Good luck and hope it works out.

[WindDrifter]

Insomnie,

 

Thanks for your post.

 

I have some questions which I know you might not have answers for but I'll try anyway.

 

How long have you been broken up for?

How long do you think you need?

Are you or your ex seeing other people?

If so how do you feel about that?

Do you see him much or talk to him?

How did he feel about the break up? Supportive?

How do you feel about him now?

When you say not nessearily sex or dating that doens't mean that it might not happen?

Do both of you think you might get back together?

 

I am sorry for all these questions but I guess I am looking for answers like everyone else.

 

My worry is that I just don't know if I could get back together if she or I meet someone else.

 

Thanks again for your advice. I appreciate it helps me understand a litte.

 

Still hurts though. Sometimes you can't help but feel rejected.

 

Cheers,

WD

[justagirliegirl]

Sometimes space just means a break not really dating others.

 

I knew my marriage was in a shambles and I had struggled and twisted myself trying to make it work that I was getting burnt out from rowing by myself.

 

I asked the hubby if I could move out for awhile. There wasn't anyone else. That was the last thing on my mind. I needed a sabbatical from all the stress. He said no.

 

I think it was a year later but I moved out and left hiim. I never went back. He always though I was having a mid life crisis and would come back.