Seeker12 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Hey guys im recovering like most here, cant even remember how many days in NC im in or have been in, but its been a good while now. I have largely moved on, do have lingering thoughts and reminders of the ex, do wonder sometimes where she is, what she is doing etc. but nothing near as obsessive and desperate as i was just after the break up and when reality hit home. So im mostly coasting along, doing my thing... But i have found myself to be doing one thing in particular, that is hoping, something not now, but in the future, dont know how long in the future...but that she will come back to me. I've been reading up on people who have met their past first loves 10-20-30 years down the line and married etc. Now considering ive been around and in NC for a good while i know its not good or healthy for my own recovery. But i just cant stop it right now, i feel ive reached acceptance of the situational factors etc. why we had to break up, meaning we were broken up, which wasnt our choice, but its this lingering hope that still remains. Has anyone else had this? Do you naturally grow out of such a mentality? What would you recommend i do? Now i keep telling myself that, although i dont know, that my ex just doesnt care, shes moved on, she doesnt think of me in that way any more and i shouldnt give her the time of day, thats the only kind of defence i have right now, assuming my ex just doesnt give two craps about me. Edited February 1, 2015 by Seeker12 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes it's normal and it will pass. I don't know how long you've been with her and how long ago you started NC but it's a long process usually and it needs to go through all the steps or mourning sometimes some steps come back 2-3 times. When we spend a long time with someone our brain creates pathways linked to that person. When they leave our brain has to create new pathways excluding them, that is why we feel like we're in withdrawal. We all think it's the heart that needs heeling, in fact, it's our brain that is working at making new connection without that person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seeker12 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes it's normal and it will pass. I don't know how long you've been with her and how long ago you started NC but it's a long process usually and it needs to go through all the steps or mourning sometimes some steps come back 2-3 times. When we spend a long time with someone our brain creates pathways linked to that person. When they leave our brain has to create new pathways excluding them, that is why we feel like we're in withdrawal. We all think it's the heart that needs heeling, in fact, it's our brain that is working at making new connection without that person. I was with her 6/7 years, planned on marrying this year then everything broke down...honestly cant remember when i started NC fully, but initially i was in and out of NC, but now fully committed to it for my own recovery, i guess this is just part of the recovery process.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I was with her 6/7 years, planned on marrying this year then everything broke down...honestly cant remember when i started NC fully, but initially i was in and out of NC, but now fully committed to it for my own recovery, i guess this is just part of the recovery process.. You can allow 25% of the length of the relationship to recover which means it would be normal for you to take up to 2 years to fully feel past this relationship. It's easier when you accept this is a normal process and everyone has to go through it. You concentrate on yourself, friends, family, work, discover new hobbies, do volunteer work, there is more to life than being in love or being in a relationship. Take that time to explore the other aspects of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 it's just fantasy of sorts, and your mind running through the various scenarios with that person. some are hopeful, like meeting up down the line and getting back together. and some are more hateful, like chopping off his... well, that is *my* fantasy it all passes with time and unless you had an amazing break-up where neither party was hurt and/or cheated or did anything untoward then you probably won't end up back together. i just watched a documentary program and they were showing that people who do end up together in later life/years are the ones who were 'torn' apart, like through war, family, major moves cross country/overseas, etc. and didn't end the relationship by choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Hope is like anesthesia. It kind of helps you get through the surgery that is the breakup. It gradually wears off, but the effects linger for quite some time. I think much like you can't have surgery without anesthesia, you can't have a breakup without hope. It's a necessary aid to the pain. Sometimes I wonder if this hope holds deeper meaning or if it's just a temporary numbing agent. When I compare the hope I had in my first relationship to this recent one, it's a bit different though, so that's why I feel like there's a deeper meaning and have looked at the reconciliation stories, like you. With my first ex, I always hoped he would contact me on special occasions, just to show he still cared. However, I knew the relationship was toxic and not worth being salvaged. This time, the hope is completely different. It's more of an all-encompassing hope, like.. it's definitely not over. Yet... it is over... ugh. My heart is not convinced of this fact though and I'm not about to beat it into submission, because that just intensifies the pain. So I just let the hope flow right on through as it may. Keep telling myself the things you mention in your last paragraph though. He clearly doesn't care, never did, he's moved on, doesn't give a crap, and I shouldn't ever give him the time of day. 'Riiiiiiiiiiiight,' says my heart. My heart is such a fool, I swear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seeker12 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 it's just fantasy of sorts, and your mind running through the various scenarios with that person. some are hopeful, like meeting up down the line and getting back together. and some are more hateful, like chopping off his... well, that is *my* fantasy it all passes with time and unless you had an amazing break-up where neither party was hurt and/or cheated or did anything untoward then you probably won't end up back together. i just watched a documentary program and they were showing that people who do end up together in later life/years are the ones who were 'torn' apart, like through war, family, major moves cross country/overseas, etc. and didn't end the relationship by choice. I guess for me and my ex her family were the reason why we had to break up and go our separate ways, we mutually had to end it as there was no other option, but it damn hurt as hell, id like to know the name of the documentary which you watched if thats okay? Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I guess for me and my ex her family were the reason why we had to break up and go our separate ways, we mutually had to end it as there was no other option, but it damn hurt as hell, id like to know the name of the documentary which you watched if thats okay? i will try very hard to remember. i don't offhand, but it was about 3 weeks ago and 4 or 5 couples were profiled. one was torn apart by war, one was because the girl was black and the guy was white, one was that somebody moved overseas, etc. stuff they couldn't actually help and weren't responsible for. and years later when they met up it was easy to get back together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seeker12 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 i will try very hard to remember. i don't offhand, but it was about 3 weeks ago and 4 or 5 couples were profiled. one was torn apart by war, one was because the girl was black and the guy was white, one was that somebody moved overseas, etc. stuff they couldn't actually help and weren't responsible for. and years later when they met up it was easy to get back together Newmoon, im telling you, its stories like these that get the heart going lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMike Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Brother, hope can keep us going or bring us down. I had hope that my ex and I would work things out and live happily ever after, but that's a fairytale and I live in the real world. I love that girl so much, but I have no hope that she and I will end up together, there's just too much history and too much has been said. Frankly, I can't distinguish what was real and what was lies anymore. Did she love me? absolutely, but she also cheated and lied to me. I can't pin exactly what it is I feel anymore other than melancholy and loss. But even with the realization that she and I are done, it doesn't make it easier to deal with. Do I wish we were together? Yes, would I take her back? No. It would never be the same and unless I can erase the memory of what happened, I would second guess everything and trust is hard to regain. Have hope for the future, that you're a better person for having experienced what you have and with the knowledge that the sun will rise tomorrow and when you're ready, you'll meet an amazing girl. Remember what this pain feels like so you never treat someone like you and I have been treated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Yeah, im the same, it's always in the back of my mind in a way without realising. Do what I do, think about it rationally for a second. I know that I miss the girl my ex USED to be, not the girl she is now. She has changed and has a new boyfriend, I do sometimes tend to dwell on the past but then I remember why we broke up and it's like a mental slap in the face (brain?). I couldn't ever get back with my ex now, and to think that two months ago I would've given my leg to get her back, makes me realise how far I have come. Once someone has left you, the trust is gone and that's it, the rose tinted glasses are gone and now she's just some other insignificant number in the worlds population. Link to post Share on other sites
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