Kinetica84 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Given my recent break up (my ex cheating on me) i suddenly realised i never fell in love with her. Let me explain. I am 30 years old. Most of my 20's i slept around, stayed single, many friends with benefits. I got to 28 and i missed having a girlfriend. My ex showed my me a lot of attention. I enjoyed the security of a relationship. I wasn't that physically attracted to her, i never missed her, i didn't think much of personality, she was jealous, insecure, needy, possessive, controlling. She was always very loving and i done my best to give that love back but i was never in love with her. So why did i stay with her for 3 years and move in with her? I now have the answer. I fell in love with the security she provided. The stability of relationship is very attractive. I should have walked away from her after the first 6 months but the security she gave is something i had not had in 8 years. I latched onto that and that is what i fought for when the relationship went tits up. So my advice, ask yourself what you are in love with and is that person really worth fighting for when the dump on you. I love clarity of thought, just a shame it took me 3 years to realise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 A person I know (not really a friend... an ex-customer...) once said to me that the only thing that kept her H and her together, was poverty. Their combined wages JUST, but only just, kept them surviving month to month. Were they to split up, they'd both be on the streets by now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinetica84 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 A person I know (not really a friend... an ex-customer...) once said to me that the only thing that kept her H and her together, was poverty. Their combined wages JUST, but only just, kept them surviving month to month. Were they to split up, they'd both be on the streets by now. I think more people are in similar situations than they care to admit. Mine wasn't financial it emotional stability. Which is strange coming from someone like me and i have always been okay on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well, for me, being "in love" is an illusion. You ignore/don't recognize the stuff that will drive you bat**** later on. It's so nice, but it can't last. Love, on the other hand, is difficult to define. I think in a practical sense it is a matter of how many things you admire in a person vs. how many things you detest. If you admire a lot, and detest only a little, then I'm guessing you feel privileged to have this person share your life. Throw in some physical desire and sexual compatibility, and you've got a great combination. If it's the other way around, too much bad vs. good, before long, you'll want out, no matter how good the sex is. This isn't exactly it, but I think that gets close. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinetica84 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well, for me, being "in love" is an illusion. You ignore/don't recognize the stuff that will drive you bat**** later on. It's so nice, but it can't last. Love, on the other hand, is difficult to define. I think in a practical sense it is a matter of how many things you admire in a person vs. how many things you detest. If you admire a lot, and detest only a little, then I'm guessing you feel privileged to have this person share your life. Throw in some physical desire and sexual compatibility, and you've got a great combination. If it's the other way around, too much bad vs. good, before long, you'll want out, no matter how good the sex is. This isn't exactly it, but I think that gets close. I salute you, great post. Like you, I am not even sure "falling in love" is a real thing. I think it is more about compatibility. It is, who's bullsh*t are you willing to tolerate more than anyone else's. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I heard this once - I'd love to have coined it myself: To Love, is to admire with your heart. To Admire, is to love with your mind. I would say for a relationship to be successful, both must be in play. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinetica84 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 One thing is damn sure. No relationship is forever. A break up or death will get it sooner or later. May be the mistake is that we tend to think everything lasts forever? Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 One thing is damn sure. No relationship is forever. A break up or death will get it sooner or later. May be the mistake is that we tend to think everything lasts forever? Yes. That's the 'mistake'. Or rather, knowing that nothing lasts for ever. Except for us, of course. And that's when the pain sets in.... (Don't get me started on the 4 Noble Truths....! ) Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 falling in love is like knowing you possibly have a faulty parachute not caring that you have a possibly faulty parachute and jumping anyway.....because you know falling in love leads to loving someone and them loving you back just as much....whats a little 32000 foot foot jump and free falling till you hit dirt.........some people actually survive the parachute not opening.....they do however get a little messed up..........deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Falling in love is the opposite of being kicked to the curb and being spit on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Falling in love ... is quite literally the equivalent of falling down, bumping your head, losing all rationale and making an @$$ out of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hopefully, it is an over-the-top mutual admiration society with a total combined membership of 2. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Given my recent break up (my ex cheating on me) i suddenly realised i never fell in love with her. Let me explain. I am 30 years old. Most of my 20's i slept around, stayed single, many friends with benefits. I got to 28 and i missed having a girlfriend. My ex showed my me a lot of attention. I enjoyed the security of a relationship. I wasn't that physically attracted to her, i never missed her, i didn't think much of personality, she was jealous, insecure, needy, possessive, controlling. She was always very loving and i done my best to give that love back but i was never in love with her. So why did i stay with her for 3 years and move in with her? I now have the answer. I fell in love with the security she provided. The stability of relationship is very attractive. I should have walked away from her after the first 6 months but the security she gave is something i had not had in 8 years. I latched onto that and that is what i fought for when the relationship went tits up. So my advice, ask yourself what you are in love with and is that person really worth fighting for when the dump on you. I love clarity of thought, just a shame it took me 3 years to realise. Falling in love, is giving knowing you might not get anything in return... Its a feeling you don't want and try to avoid as much as you can... Its having feeling for someone you know will hurt you down the road... What you felt is typical and mostly evident in most relationship... I'm not generalizing but it happens to most then suddenly realizing... Breaks it off and Dumpee just get shocked and confused... There wasn't much love there to begin with... Happens to all of us... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Can we just point out the obvious? "Falling in Love" is entirely different to - "Being in Love" - is entirely different to - "Loving". Link to post Share on other sites
babylola Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Theres no real reason to explain how and why you fall in love, as you cant control it. It just happens. For me its everything from the way that person looks at you to the way they treat you and make you feel. Physical attraction and personality. Allnof it aligns and you fall in love. staying in love is harder, as you get to know someone better there becomes new things you see in them, some you love some you dont... you will know when youre in love and you wont know why...you just know that person is for you. love can fade if you dont take care of it ive learnt thatbthe hard way. That 'in love' feeling can disappear. in my opinion it is possible for love to grow again in the right circumstances, and if someone loved you once they can love you again, unless you have compleatly changed. love is unconditional, and consuming...to begin with. Then its the best thing in the world 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Falling in love is that inescapable feeling you are in quite a bit of trouble. You go off your food. You wake before the alarm. Song lyrics mean things. Shaving becomes something to look forward to. Being in love, compromise and work. Making sure the toilet lid is down. Staring in awe at the bathroom cabinet sagging with the new weight of Parisian beauty products. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Falling in love is that inescapable feeling you are in quite a bit of trouble. You go off your food. You wake before the alarm. Song lyrics mean things. Shaving becomes something to look forward to. Being in love, compromise and work. Making sure the toilet lid is down. Staring in awe at the bathroom cabinet sagging with the new weight of Parisian beauty products. lol classic...smilin.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fronk Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Given my recent break up (my ex cheating on me) i suddenly realised i never fell in love with her. Let me explain. I am 30 years old. Most of my 20's i slept around, stayed single, many friends with benefits. I got to 28 and i missed having a girlfriend. My ex showed my me a lot of attention. I enjoyed the security of a relationship. I wasn't that physically attracted to her, i never missed her, i didn't think much of personality, she was jealous, insecure, needy, possessive, controlling. She was always very loving and i done my best to give that love back but i was never in love with her. So why did i stay with her for 3 years and move in with her? I now have the answer. I fell in love with the security she provided. The stability of relationship is very attractive. I should have walked away from her after the first 6 months but the security she gave is something i had not had in 8 years. I latched onto that and that is what i fought for when the relationship went tits up. So my advice, ask yourself what you are in love with and is that person really worth fighting for when the dump on you. I love clarity of thought, just a shame it took me 3 years to realise. A lot of this resembles my own thoughts and I as well am grappling with why I am so heartbroken. Thanks, this helped me a bit FWIW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinetica84 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 A lot of this resembles my own thoughts and I as well am grappling with why I am so heartbroken. Thanks, this helped me a bit FWIW. On a purely scientific point of view our brains establish new connections associated with familiarity. This is what we mourn, the sudden absents of that person is very much going through withdrawal. Every time you felt happy you shared it with your partner, every time you felt sad your partner would comfort you, every time you felt lonely your partner would hug you. It provides that sense of security and now it's gone. Your brain is now having to rewire itself and that takes time. It is having to establish new connections without that person there. That is the cold scientific view. Emotionally, your ego has taken an heavy blow and you feel like you're not good enough. But i say f*ck all that, lets grow and evolve. Move forward, never look back, feel 10ft tall and bulletproof. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 When you fall in love the rest of the world seems to disappear. It is a feeling of joy that you experience when you look in her eyes and the moment you realize that her stare and the depth in her eyes were what you were looking for all your life. Love can be so intense that it hurts and we know that it will hurt at some point as it is that intense. But we just do not care, as the sharing is the best and most beautiful experience that you can think off and never even though being possible. It is worth all the pain in the world, as the though of having missed such a beautiful thing just cannot imagined and would be even worse. It is this consciously realization of surrender and vulnerability that I call falling in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 For me, falling in love was a moment I looked at him and just knew that he knew me. It wasn't instantaneous and it wasn't at first sight. It was the gradual knowledge of him and his gradual knowledge of me. He could look at me and just know. I didn't have to say anything. The hardest part is the loss of that security of him knowing. He can't help me now and he doesn't know me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
fronk Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 On a purely scientific point of view our brains establish new connections associated with familiarity. This is what we mourn, the sudden absents of that person is very much going through withdrawal. Every time you felt happy you shared it with your partner, every time you felt sad your partner would comfort you, every time you felt lonely your partner would hug you. It provides that sense of security and now it's gone. Your brain is now having to rewire itself and that takes time. It is having to establish new connections without that person there. That is the cold scientific view. Emotionally, your ego has taken an heavy blow and you feel like you're not good enough. But i say f*ck all that, lets grow and evolve. Move forward, never look back, feel 10ft tall and bulletproof. Honestly though, my GF never even did any of those things either though. She was very cold, unemotional and distant. I think just enjoyed the security blanket of "being" with someone and it was nice telling family and friends that I was in a relationship. I also enjoyed having someone to visit as she lived a few hours away and someone I could do things this and travel with. Like you I was alone for many years before her as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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