What do I do ?

[frombelfast]

Hi,

 

My story is one I finding hard as I don't understand !!

 

I was in a long term relation. 1 and a half years. Throughout the whole time she was completely committed to me. Spoke to me every day and all my friends said she was maybe too in love. We had issues throughout the relationship, a few times I tried to break up with her which completely devestated her and she couldn't deal with and we would always end up getting back together. However recently with our break up things were different. This time it was more serious and she doesnt seem to care. I am finding it difficult to understand how someone I spoke to every day for a year and a half is now fine without communicating and not only this but I know she is messaging people throughout the day, so I feel I have been replaced? She is probably talking to another guy that's the only thing that would make any sense? She is a very attractive girl.

 

I mean she will message me weekly saying she misses me, or loves me. Or she is heart broken. She says she wants to be friends and if I ever say to her I don't want to talk she will only let me go a few days before messaging me. I hate this because when she messages me I feel happy, back to my routine but then I know I will have to start from scratch again. Also when she messages me she always talks about meeting up.

 

There is so much more to this story but I feel I cannot go into it just incase she comes across this thread (I know there is only a 0.0000001% chance)

 

But anyway why would someone seem so fine after such a big ordeal? She says she tries not to think about it and blocks it out but the way it has affected me it would be not be possible to ignore the hurt, so she must not be hurting right? She says we will get back in the future which is bull**** I know because if you want to be with someone you stay with them and she is definitely the kind of person to chase I have experienced.

 

But then all my friends say she is writing sad status's on her facebook? (I blocked her on facebook the day after we broke up because I didn't want to see her things, is this bad or good?)

 

Please just help me. The days are so long and I feel tortured by this. I am seeking therapy but I am on the waiting list. My confidence is shot. There have actually been many girls asking me on dates or showing me interest but I have put her on a pedestal and I feel like nobody else compares. I don't get this because when I last actually saw her I felt nothing towards her. I even remember thinking if she was with another guy I wouldn't care? It's just the fact that I never expected her to move on in this way which has made me feel panicked? Worthless? Pathetic I know but now I only remember the good things

 

Any advice ?

[evanescentworld]

What do you want exactly?

 

You have broken up with her several times, but apparently got back with her because she was so heartbroken

(Actually, you got back with her because you wanted to. You were manipulating her by playing with her emotions. If you had really intended to break up with her, yo would have done.)

 

Now you have broken up with her again - and you are upset because she is not taking it as badly??

 

I think this says more about your ego than her feelings.

She is plainly getting tired of you toying with her emotions, so she is cutting off.

 

You also need to go No Contact.

You are needier than she is.

This is more about how you mess around with her, so you need to block her messages, texts, phone calls and see her as little as possible and interact even less.

 

I'm sorry, you brought this upon yourself, by never following through with your intentions to break p for good.

 

In fact, it's obvious you used breaking up as a tool to mess with her mind.

Well, she's through with that, now, so you had better be, too.

[frombelfast]

What do you want exactly?

 

You have broken up with her several times, but apparently got back with her because she was so heartbroken

(Actually, you got back with her because you wanted to. You were manipulating her by playing with her emotions. If you had really intended to break up with her, yo would have done.)

 

Now you have broken up with her again - and you are upset because she is not taking it as badly??

 

I think this says more about your ego than her feelings.

She is plainly getting tired of you toying with her emotions, so she is cutting off.

 

You also need to go No Contact.

You are needier than she is.

This is more about how you mess around with her, so you need to block her messages, texts, phone calls and see her as little as possible and interact even less.

 

I'm sorry, you brought this upon yourself, by never following through with your intentions to break p for good.

 

In fact, it's obvious you used breaking up as a tool to mess with her mind.

Well, she's through with that, now, so you had better be, too.

To be honest i do not know what i want. I am in love with her but i know the relationship was not good, it was fixable though we were both intending to make changes and had agreed upon them. I guess i want her back

 

I think you were right, don't be too harsh on me my desire to be loved stems from issues in my childhood, i know this and have been getting help for it for a long time, it is not something i do on purpose or to manipulate but i do agree i seek validation and this was likely one way i subconciously used to get it.

 

I will take your advice though and i have been in no contact for over a week now and have blocked contact in all ways as you said.

 

I understand what you're saying but please understand i am just trying to work myself through this. I am not a bad person, i was very good to her and gave a lot of myself to her and neglected myself in this time.

 

So you believe it is over for good?

[evanescentworld]

To be honest i do not know what i want. I am in love with her but i know the relationship was not good, it was fixable though we were both intending to make changes and had agreed upon them. I guess i want her back.

I hate to say it, but I think you've cried 'wolf' too often for that to happen now....

 

I think you were right, don't be too harsh on me my desire to be loved stems from issues in my childhood, i know this and have been getting help for it for a long time, it is not something i do on purpose or to manipulate but i do agree i seek validation and this was likely one way i subconciously used to get it.

Good. In that case recognise it as a symptom. But don't lean on it as a crutch.

I'll give you a very extreme example:

 

There is a shelter, a safe-house for kids who have been abused by their parent(s) in London. It's full to capacity, and the head of this institution, this safe-house, (Let's call him Mr G) is an ex-victim himself of beatings from his mother, and sexual abuse from his father. Right up until he was 17, he endured daily torture at their hands, until he finally managed to run away.

He interviewed a dad, who was highly physically abusive, but loved his kids and wanted them back. This man explained that his behaviour was as a result of stuff he had endured at the hands of HIS father when young.

Mr G then went on to recount his story, and ended by saying "I have 3 children of my own now, and I have never so much as laid a finger on them so really, what IS your excuse?"

 

That's a pretty strong example, but as and when you catch yourself saying something like (and I'm paraphrasing) I do *this* because of what happened to me" remember this:

 

Your behaviour then, was a response.

Your behaviour now - is a choice.

 

And before you think me harsh - I had to go through this learning process too.

So I know where you're coming from. But even though you can't undo the past, you can make your present lighter, and your future, work.

 

I will take your advice though and i have been in no contact for over a week now and have blocked contact in all ways as you said.

I know it's hard, but keep to it. You'll come out the better for it.

 

I understand what you're saying but please understand i am just trying to work myself through this. I am not a bad person, i was very good to her and gave a lot of myself to her and neglected myself in this time.

In which case, you need to ask yourself, was she good for you? Did she take more than give? Did she count on your good nature, or any weaknesses she may have perceived, and play on them? Seriously, step back: Did she take advantage of you?

 

So you believe it is over for good?

I think it SHOULD be....

[frombelfast]

i am actually very thankful for your advice. And to be honest yes, i believe i was taken advantage of to an extent, i allowed many of my own needs to be put aside which led to resentment and a loss of attraction to her, maybe thats why it hurts more. Just to let you know i had only actually tried to break up with her about twice and it never lasted more than a day it wasn't some kind of monthly occurrence.

 

Would the messages about being heart broken etc. Just be breadcrumbs then ? i don't get the logic i think i just find it hard to believe we are at such different places with this.

 

You're right about the behaviour being a choice thing. Im usually the laid back guy who doesn't let much get to me which is probably what makes this so hard. The constant ups and downs its what i'd expect it to feel like coming off a drug. The weird thing is i have been through this twice in my life before. And in fact the last time felt much worse than this emotionally. As bad as it sounds if i knew it was as hard for her as it is for me i would feel much better. Guess i have serious issues

[evanescentworld]

i am actually very thankful for your advice. And to be honest yes, i believe i was taken advantage of to an extent, i allowed many of my own needs to be put aside which led to resentment and a loss of attraction to her, maybe thats why it hurts more.

It Definitely hurts more, because part of you knows you permitted yourself to be treated this way.

Over time, the truth will out. And if you're counting more than one break-up, things can't have been all that wonderful, throughout, can they?

People grow up, and they grow apart.

Maybe it's a blessing, but also a lesson... a learning curve, if you like, about what you stand for - and won't now stand for....

 

Just to let you know i had only actually tried to break up with her about twice and it never lasted more than a day it wasn't some kind of monthly occurrence.

Ok, no, that's fine... quantity may not be so much an issue here as 'quality'... something pushed you to do that....

 

Would the messages about being heart broken etc. Just be breadcrumbs then ? i don't get the logic i think i just find it hard to believe we are at such different places with this.

Yes, I would definitely take them as breadcrumbs... Point is, there's no point.

In mind-hunting, that is; second-guessing or asking questions which in the end, either have no answers, or make even less sense once answered...

 

Don't waste mind-time going over this... you could be putting your mind to more productive matters....

 

You're right about the behaviour being a choice thing. Im usually the laid back guy who doesn't let much get to me which is probably what makes this so hard. The constant ups and downs its what i'd expect it to feel like coming off a drug.

 

Emotional withdrawal is EXACTLY like Cold-turkey. The same part of the brain is affected, by drug withdrawal as an emotional hurt....And it's really difficult, but persevere and you will push through 'the barrier'....

 

The weird thing is i have been through this twice in my life before. And in fact the last time felt much worse than this emotionally. As bad as it sounds if i knew it was as hard for her as it is for me i would feel much better. Guess i have serious issues

No, I hink we all want to know, in some way, how the other person feels... I think you may feel somewhat ambivalent towards her because you realise she may have been manipulating you in subtle ways.

 

I don't think you have 'serious' issues. You're working through therapy on yourself. I think, on the face of it (and I apologise for my initial onslaught! ) you're coping well, and picking things up as you go along.

 

Remember two brilliant sayings:

 

Never be an option when you should be a priority.

 

And

 

He who 'cares' the least, controls the most.

 

This last one i think could be very pertinent to you.

Pick yourself up and realise you handled things the way you did, with the tools you had.

 

Now put your new tools in your box, and keep chiselling!!

[frombelfast]

Iremember towards the end of the relationship i was very unhappy. I was enjoying being around other people than her and really not minding us not talking/messaging etc. That's why I'm so confused as to why i care so much just because she seemingly doesn't (and the thing is i KNOW she does care and misses me, she is a very emotional person she just doesn't miss me ENOUGH for my own satisfaction and it disgusts me that i think like this) I'm learning a lot from these experiences though

 

I'll ignore breadcrumbs. If she does get in contact again should i ignore completely?

 

Thank you for the sayings i will make sure to remind myself of these when i have my down days. I figure the best thing to do is to write on here when i get frustrated because my friends must be getting annoyed at me going on. And plus they're quite taken back because i'm never usually like this. I feel like i am going round in circles and time passes soooooo slowly!

 

Toolbox phrase is brilliant

[evanescentworld]

Read the brilliant and ever-relevant No Contact Guide....

everything is outlined in there.

 

Come back as often as you like.... and understand that different circumstances affect us in different ways.

 

I know a guy who came on here once, who was married to his 'soulmate' for 10 years, and loved her to bits, but then she died. After a year or so, he dated again, went out with this girl for 6 months, the relationship ended - and he felt more devastated, he said, than when his wife died.

No you can read all kinds of things into that - love transference, delayed mourning, who knows? Simple thing was, the latter hit him harder than the former.

Sometimes, thing accumulate, and can be a sign of built-up grief, rather than being relevant to what's actually happening.

 

You know: A bit like 'referred pain'. You have a nerve trapped in your neck, but your shoulder and arm hurts....

[frombelfast]

i've read the no contact guide. I don't know why i get panicky whenever i read that it 'wont bring them back' i don't think I'm at a stage where I'm ready to accept that yet. Not that i am assuming i will get back with her or that we will even talk again but i feel i am in a blur at the moment and haven't even grasped whats happening. I am pretty sure she has been talking to this other guy and that's what is killing me the most.

 

Funnily enough what you've written applies to me directly. I have many things in ice i haven't dealt with and feel it comes out very badly in situations like this. Delayed mourning. Literally the last 5 hours have felt like a roller coaster and i've felt every emotion. How the hell can i live properly, it is on my mind every minute of the day. At work i get panic attacks etc. It feels like the only thing that will make me feel better is her coming back but i know realistically I'm angry at her as well.

 

This is ridiculous.

[evanescentworld]

....

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Hold on to this.

This is what is keeping you sane.

Knowing that everything your mind is batting around, is ridiculous.

 

You recognise how 'mad' all this, is. And that, believe me, is an exceptionally good sign.

Because part of you recognises this isn't 'real'.

For the most part, it's munched up and spat out by a mind that isn't in its right place.

And that's OK.

 

It's what we call 'Mind-Wrought' and it's mainly imaginary fears playing on real emotions.

Examine what's going through your head, and decide what is real, an what your mind has created and is keeping you 'stuck'.

 

Good job, you're doing really well.

And I'm sorry if that sounded patronising; it wasn't meant to be.

I'm serious: You're ok, and I believe you're doing, and are going to be, fine.

[frombelfast]

You are seriously helping me out a lot and i think i know deep down what you are telling me. But it helps to hear from another person

 

How long does this mind wrought usually take to pass. Due to all the recent breaks in NC and the fact i know she recently tried t contact me i feel like i am only a few days into it so I'm sure these moments are the hardest.

 

I also wanted to know if it is normal that i don't want to go out, or i do not want to go and see the girls who have invited me out because i don't want any intimacy with anyone as i know it will make it worse, is this usual?

 

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER

[evanescentworld]

You are seriously helping me out a lot and i think i know deep down what you are telling me. But it helps to hear from another person

 

How long does this mind wrought usually take to pass.

I hate to tell you, cliche-fashion, but that's up to you.

And it's up to you to challenge the thoughts, hold them up to scrutiny and strip them bare.

 

"I'm sad". True.

"I'm sad, and unloved and my life is the pits..." Lie.

 

Due to all the recent breaks in NC and the fact i know she recently tried t contact me i feel like i am only a few days into it so I'm sure these moments are the hardest.

Yes, they are, and you need to find a worthwhile diversion to distract you and make you see there's more to life than wallowing...

 

I also wanted to know if it is normal that i don't want to go out, or i do not want to go and see the girls who have invited me out because i don't want any intimacy with anyone as i know it will make it worse, is this usual?

 

Yes. And no.

Go out, but go out with male friends, and tell them "cmon guys, I need taking out of myself, but - no women! let's just go out and have a blast!"

 

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER

 

MAKE IT SO!!

[frombelfast]

feeling VERY down today. What do you guys do to feel better????

[evanescentworld]

It depends.... What do you most like doing when you're on your own and happy?

 

Whatever you do, don't 'get drunk'.

 

That, my friend, is a definite no-no.

Danger-zone.

 

Your defences are down, you become more depressed and maudlin, and you make mistakes - like trying to ring them, text, whatever....

 

If you have something you enjoy doing though, try to find a way to do it, even if it means finding out more about the subject, researching it, finding out how other cultures/countries do it....

For example, I love knitting (stop laughing....).

 

It's interesting to read up on the history, find out how or where this habit of taking two sticks and working yarn on them originated and where....

 

I'm also a Grammar Nerd.... nauseating, I know, but etymology and language construction interest me....

 

Occupy your mind with a more worthwhile string of thoughts.

[NopeNah]

Good advice already given. You just HAVE to vanish,man. It's hard to do when they reach out with nonsense text,ect.. Remember though, you are NOT her friend. A friend gets told about whats going on in her life,new job,new move,bad day,new guy,ect...you are not that friend so, don't allow yourself to be. Head high and be the best you can be at everything you do everyday!

[mightycpa]

You know what? I don't think you love her at all. I think what you feel is grief at the loss of a relationship.

 

It is easy to get mixed up about this. First, you love the girl, and things are great and you make this wonderful connection. Then it starts to get ****ty, but you stay together because of that wonderful connection. Both of you try to keep that going, but because you're fundamentally incompatible, you can't.

 

She got to the finish line. You didn't. It may indeed make her sad, but she's done. You're not. You still want that connection, and you associate that feeling with her. Therefore, you think you love her, but really, you don't.

 

That's why those things you mentioned don't bother you. Her not returning to help you find that connection again is what bothers you. That's not love. That's grief at losing something that cannot be recovered. You'd better stop running from that pain. You'd better grab hold of that pain, and feel it, or it will never let you go.

[frombelfast]

Hi guys.

 

Been a roller coaster few weeks. I cut off contact, felt ****ty everyday but knew it was the right thing. However I messed up. She managed to get in contact, the way she did it made me feel very bad I don't want to go into it but she made out she was heartbroken without me in her life etc. And the message got conveyed to me.

 

We started talking again and have met up a few times, when we meet up I can tell she misses me. Kisses me lays on my chest, etc. etc. I've read enough posts to know these are still breadcrumbs. Every time I see her for the next 24 hours she tells me how sad she is and when she's with me she wants us to be together. I have seen though through social media etc. She is talking to a lot of boys and getting a lot of attention. And after that initial 24 hours it's back to being strangers. She said she wants to meet up again but there is no definite date on when.

 

I know I've messed up and not followed the advice given. I agree with the above post I'm grieving at the loss of the relationship. I know we don't feel the same because if she felt as crap as I did about the situation she would definitely let me know. I've let down the wall I previously had and I'm trying to see this for what it now is. And accept I'm hurting because of what has happened, where as previously I lied to myself.

 

My question is how do I cut her off again? Should I just be honest and explain I can't do this anymore? I don't want to go from saying we miss eachother to blocking her In the space of a few days where nothing has actually happened between us, it seems kind of petty. But I'm still on a roller coaster where I feel like she loves and misses me one minute to waking up the next morning with a sinking feeling in my stomach thinking she doesn't care. It's crazy what this is doing to me emotionally it is really on my mind all day.

 

((((

[frombelfast]

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