My ex says she doesn't care about me and isn't attracted to me anymore, but why would

[That Guy99]

I was with my ex for 3 years (we have been broken up for 6 months) and we have a 1 yr old daughter together. She has been contacting me the past week about 2 different incidents. She always begins by saying she doesn't really care, she just heard something and wanted to know if it was true. The first incident was about her friend. I have been casually talking to and conversing with one of her friends lately, and apparently the friend told someone else she likes talking to me and I'm nice, but she wasn't sure what to do since she's friends with my baby's mom. She found out about this, and said she didn't care at all, but just couldn't believe I would try to talk to this friend in particular because she didn't think ME of all people would. Btw, she thinks her friend is dumb and she's aware that I'm highly intelligent, so she was trying to hint at that.

 

The second incident she has messaged me about multiple times. This time it's about another one of my ex's. She was always jealous of this ex during our relationship and even made me delete any and all Facebook photos with her, and even began an argument with her before and followed her on all social media. So anyways me and my first ex have been pretty flirty and talking often, and my baby mom is saying things like she isn't attracted to me anymore and really doesn't care, but says things like that's so fake of me and how our whole relationship must of been a lie and all that stuff. And saying it's disrespectful to her as the mother of my child. Although she was the one that began lying at the end of our relationship and was very insecure, which pushed me away. But how can she say she isn't attracted to me anymore or doesn't care about me, but then be so worried about what else I'm doing? When SHE has done some VERY disrespectful things and betrayed me in a way I don't even think most can fathom. So how does this make any sense?

[Ieris]

Someone who doesn't care isn't going to call you up to tell you she doesn't care.

 

I don't know what your story is but as you've broken up, it's none of her business what you do or who you talk to.

[Vill]

She does care, use it however you want to.

[That Guy99]

A couple of months ago she began contacting me saying she missed me and wanted to hang out with me. Long story short, we began seeing each other for about a month, and she acted very distant during this time and I caught her in multiple lies, so I ended up cutting things off again. What I don't get, though, is why would SHE initiate us being together, but then sabotage things? If she still cares about me, why does she do things counter productive to being together?

 

I've realized we can never be together, though. Her insecurities and jealousy is what drove me away in the first place; although she's an extremely attractive girl. She eventually began seeing another guy behind my back who is actually her second cousin and someone I used to be very good friends with. He betrayed me very severely and I never spoke to him again. He ended up moving away, but came back years later, at the tail end of our relationship. She began messing with the dude, and THAT was ultimate betrayal, so how can she even say anything to me?

 

And she denies messing with this cousin, however one night she was supposed to take my daughter when she got off work late, but then said she couldn't. This was about a month after I kicked her out of my house for lying to me, and I saw her about to walk with this guy who had 2 alcoholic drinks. I confronted him and it ended it an altercation. She also would snap chat the kid, I would hear rumors from other people she had been sleeping with him, as well as the fact she complimented his smile on an instagram picture, and she followed him on all social media. Sounds pretty abnormal for a standard family relationship...

 

So I'm having an extremely difficult time understanding her thought processes and how she can justify her thoughts. I really wish I could understand it all

[EgoJoe]

Welcome to the "I care about a loser club."

 

 

I was a member and now I'm back in the "Respect me and I'll respect you." Club.

 

 

Membership is free want to join?

[That Guy99]

I have always tried to maintain my integrity and I don't allow anyone to treat me disrespectfully. That's why I broke things off so quickly in both instances. The only reason I tried again is because we have a child together and I really thought we might be able to make it work. She has innate qualities that match with me so well, however, she is a product of very unfortunate environments growing up, so she has some issues with mental stability. Her mind has been too saturated by her negative influences, and it over shadows her good qualities. It sucks because I have dated a TON of girls before and even after her, but it's so hard for me to find a girl I'm very compatible to, because not only do I require a girl to be physically attractive if I'm going to be with them, but I also NEED a girl who can stimulate my mind and a girl who is thought provoking. I believe my ex is intelligent and can have meaningful conversation at times she is most sincere, however it's too infrequent.

 

Before, when we initially broke up, her jealousy pushed me away. I wasn't going to bend over backwards all the time to appease her irrational ways. So eventually she felt neglected and lonely, but it was because of her own doing. However, she always blames everything on me. How can someone be so blind? I was extremely patient and loving and always explained things thoroughly to her, but constant accusations and questioning my love all the time wears on someone . And I NEVER EVEN CHEATED! I just don't get how I can be so logical and always break things down for her how I perceive stuff to be, but she has a problem being open emotionally and conducting positive communication.

 

I will never be with her again, but I'm just so confused by so much. I have stopped even letting these questions brew in mind because I never get answers, but today just made me really think about stuff again. I don't get how I can love someone so much, and they just are incapable of understanding my perspective--especially when I'm SO sincere and rational in my thoughts. It's exhausting

[That Guy99]

And I'll add that I did become kind of an ass hole after a while, because literally NOTHING I did ever worked. I tried to explain to her my thought process. I would be accused of stuff and my love questioned EVERY SINGLE DAY, and eventually after always being so patient and attentive, I just thought to myself "well whether I shower her with affection and do everything I can, she still doesn't believe I love her. So why try? I'll get the same results either way"....

 

It's just hard having a child with someone. I'm new to this. And we really did have a HIGLY passionate relationship. Our physical chemistry was amazing. And she was amazing until her insecurities crept out. I thought I could save her though. I thought since she is so smart, I could always just explain things rationally, and she would be able to understand. And I'm very open minded and willing to do everything I can to understand her perspective on things as well, but she had a problem with communication. I just don't get how she can blame things on me, when she's the one that sabotaged things. Just crazy to me

[Ebelskiver]

One thing emotions are not, is logical. She is ruled by her insecurities and her reactions to them. You tried to help her but this is something that a) she needs to recognize and b) she needs to fix.

 

You can't do it for her. All you can do is stay out of the drama and be the best father you can be. Don't engage with her when she is being unreasonable. Who you date and talk to is no longer any of her concern. Simply don't allow her to discuss those things with you. If she tries, you just turn and walk away.

[That Guy99]

You're completely right. It sucks that sometimes even if you do everything right, and no matter how much you love someone, things still can't work out. Life is so complicated that is can be overwhelming sometimes... My daughter should be my main priority like you said, and she is. She's my world. My purpose; the love of my life.

[evanescentworld]

Good.

 

In that case, you know EXACTLY what you need to do about your ex.

 

Right?

[That Guy99]

What's that?

[evanescentworld]

Here, read this.

 

And follow it, 110%. To the letter.

Start to finish, with no exceptions, questions or deviation.

Go straight to NC, do not pass go, do not collect more baggage, just keep going.

[That Guy99]

That's true. NC is the best thing I can do. I just have to remain disciplined. Thanks for taking the time to help

[That Guy99]

Welcome to the "I care about a loser club."

 

 

I was a member and now I'm back in the "Respect me and I'll respect you." Club.

 

 

Membership is free want to join?

 

 

 

Could you elaborate more on your past that you alluded to? I just like to get insight from someone that can relate, and someone who made it through their situation successfully. I really do appreciate your time and giving me feedback

[That Guy99]

I really do appreciate you offering me some advice. I just wanted to let you know. You have nothing to gain from trying to help me, but you did anyways. People who help people with nothing expected in return are amazing to me. Thank you

[That Guy99]

Here, read this.

 

And follow it, 110%. To the letter.

Start to finish, with no exceptions, questions or deviation.

Go straight to NC, do not pass go, do not collect more baggage, just keep going.

 

I really do appreciate you offering me some advice. I just wanted to let you know. You have nothing to gain from trying to help me, but you did anyways. People who help people with nothing expected in return are amazing to me. Thank you

[evanescentworld]

Hey, no problem! Thanks for the thanks!

 

That's really why we're all here...

 

This forum has a staggeringly high membership count, but I would say there are maybe 20 'hardened habituals' who have both been around a long time, and who post regularly.

 

Some have had devilish, deep and distressing experiences, have recovered, come through 'the rain' and are here to now help others with good, sound, tried-and-tested advice.

 

Others, like myself, have had experience of a different kind (I worked with a Counselling organisation) and are keen to interact and engage with others, in order to just make the going easier.

 

Nobody gets it right all the time. Sometimes, we give different advice and the poor new OP has to try to sift through everything and glean what works for them.

 

But in the main, we 'oldies' tend to speak on the same page...

 

You're always welcome.

You will always get contributions, answers, opinions, comments, different PoVs and input.

 

Take what you know is sensible, and what will work (we'll be sure to let you know, through consensus of opinion, what does, and what doesn't), even though you may not like, or resist the responses...

 

You will heal and develop, move on and grow.

But give it time.

 

Time is not, contrary to the common saying, a great healer.

 

YOU do that.

And you need to take all the time you need.

 

But remember to not wallow, become maudlin, or feed the despondency by simply piling on more of the same....

 

Be well.

Take care.

 

[dental]

Let me guess, in the beginning, sex off the charts, followed by ever increasing drama. Push pull. Look up borderline personality disorder, and then limit the contact to the bare minimum. Poor guy. Deceived by looks.

[That Guy99]

 

But remember to not wallow, become maudlin, or feed the despondency by simply piling on more of the same....

 

Be well.

Take care.

 

 

I love the advice, thanks. All I can really do is disconnect myself with the source of my pain. Far easier said than done, but it really is necessary. I'm not a really religious person, but I've been trying to find God during this time and develop a bond, as well as use strategies to produce positive thinking. I'm glad I found this site. I wish nobody ever had to feel pain or sorrow, and I'm glad people on here can be such a great support system. It's awesome

[That Guy99]

Let me guess, in the beginning, sex off the charts, followed by ever increasing drama. Push pull. Look up borderline personality disorder, and then limit the contact to the bare minimum. Poor guy. Deceived by looks.

 

EXACTLY. Have you also experienced a situation similar to this? And unfortunately this situation plagued my mind extremely often the first 3-4 months after the break up, so I have become very familiar with personality disorders. I also study psychology at my state University, and it's something that's really fascinating to me. I LOVE understanding people and understanding myself. The problem with that, though, is I feel like I HAVE to know exactly what's going through her mind when she does stuff and I wonder if she really doesn't see anything wrong with her actions. I understand there really is no logic behind her madness, but the thoughts would still return and fester. I have stopped letting these thoughts ruminate, however. My mind could simply take no more of it. Although I still think about her every once in a while, but no where near as frequently.

 

And yes I really was deceived by her looks. The lust and passion was extremely high. I'm VERY interested to hear about your experiences, because you sound familiar to this. With my ex, unlike with most with personality disorder (as so I thought), she would actually compliment me often and tell me how attractive I am and she was LITERALLY obsessed with me. I will add, however, that she would call me names and stuff to, but she would also compliment me frequently to. Is this abnormal?

 

And I'm not sure about your situation, but my ex had a very rough upbrining. Mom and Dad both in and out of incarceration, sexual abuse growing up, no positive influences. But I felt like I have found a diamond in the rough; she seemed so different from everyone around her. She could actually think in depth and was aware of things around her. However, eventually her insecurities and negative traits associated with her influences began to seep through. I really thought I could be a positive influence and just love her enough, then eventually she would be fulfilled by my love. Nothing was ever enough, though. It's really a devastating thing to put so much love and energy into someone, only for things to still fail. Wish life wasn't like that

[That Guy99]

Let me guess, in the beginning, sex off the charts, followed by ever increasing drama. Push pull. Look up borderline personality disorder, and then limit the contact to the bare minimum. Poor guy. Deceived by looks.

 

Would you mind taking some time to address the questions in my response to you? I really would appreciate it

[mightycpa]

I'm not a really religious person, but I've been trying to find God during this time and develop a bond

Just remember that God can't make people love Him either, so you've got that in common.

 

I didn't follow the link, but I'm not sure how you can have no contact with the mother of your one-year old child, unless you're some kind of no contact Dad. That's no good.

 

You guys are probably going to have to learn how to make a lot of joint decisions, the first one being what your role is should she ever get married. You might have to have one or more serious heart-to-hearts about the things you are willing to discuss and the things you're not. For example, your love life (or hers) might be out-of-bounds, except as it relates to the child.

 

Sounds pretty tough to me. I don't envy you at all.

[ta777]

EXACTLY. Have you also experienced a situation similar to this? And unfortunately this situation plagued my mind extremely often the first 3-4 months after the break up, so I have become very familiar with personality disorders. I also study psychology at my state University, and it's something that's really fascinating to me. I LOVE understanding people and understanding myself. The problem with that, though, is I feel like I HAVE to know exactly what's going through her mind when she does stuff and I wonder if she really doesn't see anything wrong with her actions. I understand there really is no logic behind her madness, but the thoughts would still return and fester. I have stopped letting these thoughts ruminate, however. My mind could simply take no more of it. Although I still think about her every once in a while, but no where near as frequently.

 

And yes I really was deceived by her looks. The lust and passion was extremely high. I'm VERY interested to hear about your experiences, because you sound familiar to this. With my ex, unlike with most with personality disorder (as so I thought), she would actually compliment me often and tell me how attractive I am and she was LITERALLY obsessed with me. I will add, however, that she would call me names and stuff to, but she would also compliment me frequently to. Is this abnormal?

 

And I'm not sure about your situation, but my ex had a very rough upbrining. Mom and Dad both in and out of incarceration, sexual abuse growing up, no positive influences. But I felt like I have found a diamond in the rough; she seemed so different from everyone around her. She could actually think in depth and was aware of things around her. However, eventually her insecurities and negative traits associated with her influences began to seep through. I really thought I could be a positive influence and just love her enough, then eventually she would be fulfilled by my love. Nothing was ever enough, though. It's really a devastating thing to put so much love and energy into someone, only for things to still fail. Wish life wasn't like that

I was also in a similar situation. Ex BPD gf would also compliment me once in a while but it definitely wasn't as much as she wanted me to compliment her.

 

My ex also had a rough upbringing, she was a love child in between a marriage and her dad wasn't in her life till years after she was born. She told me about sexual abuse from her father one time as well. Her dad is a serial cheater which led to his failed marriage and her mom suffers from bipolar disorder.

 

I too thought I found a "diamond in the rough", I felt like the knight in shining armor just as you did. I thought I would be able to help her with her issues and "fix" her but the truth is that we can't fix people with BPD. Just like your situation, all the insecurities, jealousy, and negative traits of my ex started to show up later on in the relationship. She didn't trust me even though I never gave her a reason to feel that way and she didn't let me go out with friends and coworkers some times. She thought I was going to leave her for someone else if someone better came along. Its a BPD's worst fear, that you'll abandon them. I never talked to girls emotionally, never even flirted with girls but in her head she was so paranoid because of her fear of abandonment.

 

She would hurt herself because of her insecurities. She never felt pretty enough for me she would say, despite all that I would tell her. How she was the most beautiful girl, how much I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, etc etc. No matter how much I complimented her and showed her I loved her unconditionally, it was never enough as you said. This is common with someone with BPD, what you give will simply not be enough. It is just part of the illness.

 

Eventually she ended up cheated on me and leaving me for someone else after 4+ years of being together. And the reason? Because I didn't give her the attention and affection that she needed and because I looked at girls on instagram. I blamed myself at first but after discovering that she most likely has BPD it all made sense. She projected onto me what she was, and that is a cheater. Our whole relationship she was emotionally cheating on me, maybe even physically, I wouldn't know.

 

Point is people with BPD will always have rough and non-lasting relationships until they seek therapy. We can't fix them and we shouldn't blame ourselves. I feel terrible right now as I'm still fresh out of the relationship (1.5 months) but I know that its better that I'm out of it now rather than later.

 

The only thing left to do is move on and keep contact to a minimum, which I know isn't easy for you considering you have a child together.

Edited January 27, 2015 by ta777

[That Guy99]

I was also in a similar situation. Ex BPD gf would also compliment me once in a while but it definitely wasn't as much as she wanted me to compliment her.

 

My ex also had a rough upbringing, she was a love child in between a marriage and her dad wasn't in her life till years after she was born. She told me about sexual abuse from her father one time as well. Her dad is a serial cheater which led to his failed marriage and her mom suffers from bipolar disorder.

 

I too thought I found a "diamond in the rough", I felt like the knight in shining armor just as you did. I thought I would be able to help her with her issues and "fix" her but the truth is that we can't fix people with BPD. Just like your situation, all the insecurities, jealousy, and negative traits of my ex started to show up later on in the relationship. She didn't trust me even though I never gave her a reason to feel that way and she didn't let me go out with friends and coworkers some times. She thought I was going to leave her for someone else if someone better came along. Its a BPD's worst fear, that you'll abandon them. I never talked to girls emotionally, never even flirted with girls but in her head she was so paranoid because of her fear of abandonment.

 

She would hurt herself because of her insecurities. She never felt pretty enough for me she would say, despite all that I would tell her. How she was the most beautiful girl, how much I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, etc etc. No matter how much I complimented her and showed her I loved her unconditionally, it was never enough as you said. This is common with someone with BPD, what you give will simply not be enough. It is just part of the illness.

 

Eventually she ended up cheated on me and leaving me for someone else after 4+ years of being together. And the reason? Because I didn't give her the attention and affection that she needed and because I looked at girls on instagram. I blamed myself at first but after discovering that she most likely has BPD it all made sense. She projected onto me what she was, and that is a cheater. Our whole relationship she was emotionally cheating on me, maybe even physically, I wouldn't know.

 

Point is people with BPD will always have rough and non-lasting relationships until they seek therapy. We can't fix them and we shouldn't blame ourselves. I feel terrible right now as I'm still fresh out of the relationship (1.5 months) but I know that its better that I'm out of it now rather than later.

 

The only thing left to do is move on and keep contact to a minimum, which I know isn't easy for you considering you have a child together.

 

I appreciate your comment more than I can even explain. I thank you so much for commenting. Speaking to people that have experienced similar situations really helps me to realize that it wasn't me, there's not something wrong with me. Because being with someone with BPD makes you question yourself and they make you feel like everything is your fault. It's the worst thing I have ever experienced. I would like to respond to you more thoroughly in a moment, because I'm on my phone right now and it's harder to compose a lengthy message on here. But I wanted to show my appreciation for you giving me feedback. I'm going to respond in more detail when I get on my lap top. I would like to talk to you even more if you're willing

[That Guy99]

Just remember that God can't make people love Him either, so you've got that in common.

 

I didn't follow the link, but I'm not sure how you can have no contact with the mother of your one-year old child, unless you're some kind of no contact Dad. That's no good.

 

You guys are probably going to have to learn how to make a lot of joint decisions, the first one being what your role is should she ever get married. You might have to have one or more serious heart-to-hearts about the things you are willing to discuss and the things you're not. For example, your love life (or hers) might be out-of-bounds, except as it relates to the child.

 

Sounds pretty tough to me. I don't envy you at all.

 

It mentioned something in the article about keeping contact to a minimum if you have a child with the person. I definitely don't have an envious situation, though. It's literally impossible to forgo communication with her because I'm very active in my daughter's life and we split time equally. Although for the first few months of our break up she tried to avoid her obligation as a mother as often as possible. It's going to be extremely taxing, but I'm doing all I can to handle it the best I can. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate all feedback