Need courage to breakup

[Angies100]

Hi all,

 

I joined the forum today after spending days reading advices from everyone on how to breakup. i am sure with every fiber in my body that I want to breakup from my relationship of 20 years. But I am still feeling frighten and still working it out in my head when and how to best initiating and conducting the breakup. After much thought I decided to write a letter and show this to him as the starting point and then proceed with any discussion.

 

Can you please give me advice to help me through my breakup. I include my breakup letter below.

 

There is no words that I can say that would make this any easier. There is no perfect timing for this conversation. I have thought about this for a long time but just couldn't go through with it. This is a difficult decision, but for my own health and happiness I need to be on my own. I am sorry that I have to do this now during the holiday period, but this is the only time that we can have to spend together to talk things through.

 

There are many positive things that I've loved about us and those are the reasons that we lasted as long as we did. I don't want to hurt you but I must be honest with my feeling. I have been very unhappy for a long time. I don't really want to list out the things that make me unhappy. I know that you love me very much and would do anything to make me happy. But regardless of how much you try, and how much I try, I find myself increasingly more unhappy. I find that we are no longer connected. Our life goal is no longer the same. I stop discussing my ideas with you because we are no longer on the same life path and rarely see eye to eye on big issues. I still care for you, but I no longer want to be with you.

 

I know you will be upset and angry and will try to do something to rectify. But the truth is that I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer be happy with the life that we have. I have struggled for a long time to convince myself that I can be happy but sadly that is no longer true. I cannot keep on trying and pretending that I can be happy. I have struggled for a long time with right and wrong and want to be absolutely sure of what I want to do before I turn our life up side down.

 

Please think about this and we will talk. We are going to disagree on a lot of things so there is not much point to argue. We just have to agree to disagree and make necessary arrangement to move on with our lives.

 

If you are angry, I will leave you room to think things through. I don't want to fight or argue to see who is right or wrong. I have have spent the last 20 years trying to change you into what I want and the remaining of the time to convince myself to accept the person that you are. At this point I totally accept who you are and recognize that I can not spend my next 10 years trying to do the same thing that I did in the last 10.

 

We have grown very dependence on each other over the years so there are many thing we will need help with to stand on our own. I hope when you have time to thinks things through, we can work together to sort things out.

[Mi7522]

If it has taken 10 years for you to come to this conclusion are you not able to wait a couple of more weeks until the holidays are over to give him this letter? Just seems kind of selfish to do it now and completely blindside during the holidays. Not only will it crush him but both of your families as well. Let everyone enjoy the next two weeks and then proceed.

[Angies100]

i think you are right that I should wait for the holiday to finish so that everyone can have their nice holiday. That is also what I plan to do, it just that I don't want to pretend any more that every thing is going good with us.

 

I guess it is hard for me to come to the conclusion but now the decision is made my body has gone into some kind of anxiety mode. I get agitated, super anxious, I can't sleep as I keep running the scene through my head again and again. The problem is not that I will ruin everyone holiday but it is for me to find the courage to do it. I thought it is best to do this while I am on leave so we Can spend time to talk things out and don't have to worry about coming to work looking like a wreck. My work is super stressful and once I go back to work I would not have the energy to cope with the stress from both fronts.

 

And I also don't want to celebrate another new year with a promise of many years more to come as I know that it is such a lie and I cannot do that any more.

 

I don't think I am being selfish as I have spend such a long time to think things through and not rushing to any quick decision. It is just now I know that this is the right decision, every fiber in my body just want to get it done. I have been restraining myself and continue for a few more days until after the xmas parties with the family. After all the parties and after everyone has gone on their holiday, we are not going on any holiday this year so I think that is the best quiet time for us to spend together to talk things through.

[Mi7522]

I agree that giving him the letter after xmas but before New Years is probably the best time to do it. Let everyone enjoy their xmas then sit him down before New Years and give him your letter. Courage will come from within and you knowing that it is the right thing to do for the both of you, so this is your decision to end things and this is really what you want finding courage should not be a problem.

[Angies100]

Also do you think my breakup letter is too fluffy? I did not want make this a who is right and who is wrong. I don't want to list out all the bad things that he did to justify my decision and make him feel bad about himself. I do mean it when I say I care for him but I just no longer want to be with him.

 

I just want us to part on good terms. After being with him for 20 years I am sure that it is not possible to change him. Ultimatum only shock the person I to change for a while and he eventually turned back to the real person. It took me 5 years to work that out. So I won't be going down that path again. This time I am definitely will not accept any promises of change and try again approach. So the decision is pretty final.

 

Please help me from your external point of view if my letter is convincing, firm, decisive and yet kind and compassionate.

[d0nnivain]

I agree. After 20 years unless you are in physical danger do you really need to be so cruel as to dump this on somebody 3 days before Christmas & in a letter no less?

 

 

By the way, the letter is terrible. It doesn't say anything. It's a bunch of empty platitudes & comes across as unbelievably selfish. I'm sure (at least I hope) there is more of a back story but it seems like you are just giving up & you haven't been trying for all these years despite your acknowledgement that the other person loves you & there are things you like about that person.

 

 

You certainly don't have to share them with us, but you would do better to talk about the specifics with him. What made you drift apart? What would make you happy?

 

 

If you haven't tried marriage counseling go there before you go to a divorce lawyer. those vows you took -- for better OR worse, in sickness & in health, forsaking all others, till DEATH do us part -- they are supposed to mean more than 'eh, I'm too tired to try any more.

 

 

If you have truly fought to keep this relationship together but have not succeeded, fine but to dump an empty letter on an unsuspecting person after 20 years that is simply cruel, imo.

[Angies100]

As explained I have not given the letter to him. I am still deciding when is the best time to do it. And the letter is only a starting point and not just a cut and run. I am prepared to talk through the specifics with him for the next 2 weeks.

 

I guess it is not possible to write a perfect breakup letter. Is it better to list out all the bad qualities of the person to justify my decision. I am sure all that will come out in the follow up discussions after the letter. Need I write it out point by point.

[d0nnivain]

The timing between Christmas & New Years is probably best.

 

 

Write it ALL out so you have it clear in your head. Then rip it up & never give it to him.

 

 

Talk to him. The letter . . . well let's just say it reminds me of grade school. I have visions of you handing it to him then sitting there watching him read it & grow increasingly broken. Talking is best.

 

 

If you need to organize your thoughts on paper 1st, fine but please re-think handing this to him.

[Angies100]

THe back story is very long as it is not possible to summarize 20 years in one letter. The main point is that this person while is very loving, is also very stubborn. He is rarely wrong and would not take advice or lesson or opinion. The first 10 years was good, I spend the next 5 trying to communicate to him on who I am and what I want to achieve in my life and hope we can share the same vision. There was hit and miss but at the end I was left wondering if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

 

We broke up once and got back together on promise that he will change. Things Got better for about 3 years and the last 2 has been absolute terrible. Not only he no longer want to work, he abandoned the business that I helped him built for 5 years, turn himself into a house husband and take great pride from doing that that, he has put on massive amount of weight and I no longer feel any attraction to him. I have many plans for my business and any suggestions or ideas have been met with negative comments.

 

I have since stop discussing my ideas and plans with him and try to contend with living with a househusband who has no ambition whatsoever. I thought for a while may be I can be happy with this but at the end I realized that I need a partner who encourage me to be my best and supporting me in my path in life not a househusband.

 

And then there is the alcohol. I don't even want to go there as it makes me ver sad.

[No_Go]

I feel it for you. Living with no-ambition alcoholic is NOT fun (I had a "preview" with somebody like this and for several months of living together, I fee sooo drained and empty...). I am sure he has qualities that kept you so long with him but... You have the right to be happy.

 

The letter format may not work well in my opinion. Or at least will be just the beginning of the inevitable breakup. Be firm with him. In my opinion whether it will be before or after Christmas is irrelevant, he will be hurt anyway, so as you... Just do it whenever you get the courage. My thoughts are with you.

 

 

THe back story is very long as it is not possible to summarize 20 years in one letter. The main point is that this person while is very loving, is also very stubborn. He is rarely wrong and would not take advice or lesson or opinion. The first 10 years was good, I spend the next 5 trying to communicate to him on who I am and what I want to achieve in my life and hope we can share the same vision. There was hit and miss but at the end I was left wondering if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

 

We broke up once and got back together on promise that he will change. Things Got better for about 3 years and the last 2 has been absolute terrible. Not only he no longer want to work, he abandoned the business that I helped him built for 5 years, turn himself into a house husband and take great pride from doing that that, he has put on massive amount of weight and I no longer feel any attraction to him. I have many plans for my business and any suggestions or ideas have been met with negative comments.

 

I have since stop discussing my ideas and plans with him and try to contend with living with a househusband who has no ambition whatsoever. I thought for a while may be I can be happy with this but at the end I realized that I need a partner who encourage me to be my best and supporting me in my path in life not a househusband.

 

And then there is the alcohol. I don't even want to go there as it makes me ver sad.

[Elle1975]

After 20 years, I'd talk to him face to face, not in a letter. Pick a public place if you are worried of his reaction. Write to him afterward if you feel you need to say more.

[Angies100]

I always plan to talk face to face but how to start the conversation is the hardest part. I think the talk will start with lot of defensive argument and will turn very bad quickly. I thought at least the letter will lay the background for the discussions and stated my intention.

 

He is very stubborn and will not take no for an answer. why should he, he has been living the dream. He does not have to work and have very thing provided for. I am thinking if he got angry I will go for a walk and continue when he calms down. If he get violent then I will call the cops. So things can get ugly.

 

I also do not want to leave my house. I plan for him to move out of the house and move into our investment poperty which I plan will be given to him as part of the settlement. The investment property is near the coast and very pretty. We always wanted to live there when we retire. Since he is not working he can go and live there.

 

I will remain in our residential property and complete the renovation. As it house is still being renovated after 2.5 years. As he never want to do anything to complete it. Refuse to let me help and refuse to let me call in people to complete it. I am absolutely had it with the unrenovated house and the empty promises.

 

To talk him into agreeing to move to the coastal house will be a challenge as he may refuse to move. That is another thing that I am worry about. I work in Sydney City so I have to remain here to go to work.

[EgoJoe]

I think after twenty years that you two ought to pursue counseling first. Perhaps twenty years can be saved. I would advise you to ask a moderator to move this to the separation and divorce forum.

[Angies100]

We did counseling many years ago. The result would be promise of change that would last for while until things are back to normal then the real person slowly emerge. The result is i wasted 5 years of my life. I no longer wish to go through the same process again.

 

please help me to find courage to seek for a new life and not repeat the same thing again but expecting different result this time.

[loversquarrel]

Without the courage you seek all you have done is more harm than good. You have wasted 5-10 yrs of both of your lives. It isn't that difficult, all you have to do is talk to him face to face and tell him you are no longer happy in the marriage. I really can understand why he'd be upset, that is a lot of years living a lie and wasting life.