Low confidence 1 year later

[guest569]

Its about the 1 year mark since I was dumped and my self esteem is really low. I've had ups and downs but right now i am feeling like i am back at square one.

 

How the hell does one get their confidence back?

 

All the hurtful things are going round in my mind and i feel like i am incapable of being loved.

 

And most of all i just miss him so much. Its so sad and so wrong that we just end and never see each other again. I know it cant be any other way. It just sux and i cant seem to forget it.

 

Last year we were looking at xmas lights and having parties with family and friends. I thought we were getting closer and i thought we were happy and in love. But only i was. I had no idea he was going to dump me for a New Years present.

[Elle1975]

I read some of your older posts, and I think it's time to seek professional help. Your feelings seem to be really raw still.

 

To me it's not about being incapable of being loved, it's more that he was incapable of loving you, and there's a big difference right there. Understand that if you may or may not have issues to fix, you can be loved.

[Jimmyjackson]

Sleep with someone else, worked for me. Had sex for the first time 3 and a half months post break up on Friday, my self esteem has been low. Was good to see someone interested in me though, and even though it was a ONS I already knew her, it was quite intimate too and stuff so was good to feel desired again.

 

If you're not the type to sleep around then date someone else...

[Satu]

Confidence is forged in the doing of a thing.

 

Make an effort to be more sociable and have a few dates.

 

Then see how you feel.

 

Consider some short-term therapy.

[guest569]

Thanks for the tips all.l have had professional and medical assistance but it only takes you so far. And done plenty of dating so i guess i know i can get dates but i put so much weight still on what my ex thinks which is stupid. He's the only one i wanted. I did find a few nice dates and been intimate which helped although one rebound dumped me for the similar reason of not loving me....

[PaperCrane]

Confidence is forged in the doing of a thing.

 

Make an effort to be more sociable and have a few dates.

 

Then see how you feel.

 

Consider some short-term therapy.

 

So very true, very very true. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite people who forged his own courage and confidence by putting himself in situations where that was tested.

 

The quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

 

This goes leaps and bounds outside of dating. Doing stand up poetry reading, or joining a yoga class, skydiving, going to a music show and just talking to people and asking them where they're from and how they found the band, etc etc. Put yourself in situations where you need to be confident to do well and eventually you will and you'll be far better off in life for it.

Edited December 23, 2014 by PaperCrane

[guest569]

I have done quite a few things outside of my comfort zone and am learning new skills, i guess that is what has gotten me through the year..

 

Joined a sporting team, gym, swimming, karaoke, learning a new instrument, renovations. Oh and an amazing promotion that i never dreamed of! I have improved a lot with social interaction and more confident. However the past week this has just crumbled and I'm back to being a devastated sobbing mess just like i was in January. Even to the point of heart racing and rumbling ears and loss of appetite.

 

I think its because this time last year i was with my ex looking at Christmas lights and being with friends and family together, I'm just devastated that its been a year since I saw him and we had so many amazing times together that mean nothing. He just threw it away without a care. I miss him like crazy. Its hard to get out of this mindset now.

[guest569]

And i always end up thinking i should have done this or that, i wish i knew what was coming, I could have changed. There is something majorly wrong with me, he left me because I'm a depressed loser. Because he thinks I'm unattractive, i bet his friends didnt approve, its because I am boring and dont work in a fancy profession etc. etc.

[PaperCrane]

And i always end up thinking i should have done this or that, i wish i knew what was coming, I could have changed. There is something majorly wrong with me, he left me because I'm a depressed loser. Because he thinks I'm unattractive, i bet his friends didnt approve, its because I am boring and dont work in a fancy profession etc. etc.

 

Stop. Stop stop. That's wrong. I thought the same way as you for many months after my LTR. Who cares what he thinks now? I know what was shared leaves good memories and missing that is painful but remember it always takes two to tango. Not everything was your fault. You didn't create things that meant nothing. They meant what they meant in the time you had them, that never changes.

 

 

If you changed who you were for him, for a relationship, it wouldn't be genuine and you'd be worse off for it. The biggest factor in getting confidence back is a combination of time and determination.

 

You'll get there. Just keep doing what you were doing.

[guest569]

I most certainly still care what he thinks, it is ridiculous. I wish i could forget about him altogether. I wish we had never met because the memories are so painful.

 

Its like the breakup has just happened all over again. I've stopped eating, sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm so devastated that he could treat me like that and not even care. I just cant deal with this rejection feeling that I did something wrong or wasn't good enough.

 

I stopped taking anti depressants cause i just dont want to be on them for the rest of my life.