i broke NC after almost 4 months and dont regret it *(Update)*

[HowMightI-live]

I wont bore you with the history of the relationship to much. but basically after almost 4 months of nc i reached out. She was the dumper and i felt like after reading so many articles that nc worked, thought i could get her to come back this way. It had always worked before. We would split and a month later she would come crawling back.

 

during the 3 months of nc i started really reflectiong on all my s!it. I realised i was the reason behind the split. I took her for granted, i made promoses i didnt keep and i had just gotten lazy within the relationship and all aspects of life. So i started working on myself. started looking at myself. And waiting. Waiting for her to come back so i could say all these things, how i was wrong, but more importantly how i was ready to change. It took me 3 years and 3 years of her putting up for me to see that. The other night i made a decision, not to wait. To take control of my life and to stop sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. I took a chance to see if this was something i could repair. Had i not i wouldve probably regretted that for the rest of my life

 

 

when dealing with the heart and healing process, you start to realize things about yourself that you hadnt before. Part of spiritual growth is about being honest, being open and taking accountability. I didn't care anymore about seeming desperate or clingy...it stopped being about a game that one of us was going to lost and about my heart...my life. i loved her. So i told her so. I told her everything. hOw i took her for granted and stopped showing her how much i cared and how much she meant and still means...to me. And if i could take it back i would but also acknowledged that sometimes you just have to learn to live with these mistakes but most importantly you have to learn from them because if you dont then all the pain would have just been for nothing. All while keeping your head held high, because sometimes you just have to own up to grow up. She didnt say much...i think she was just taken aback. She told me i was forgiven and that she just needed space.

 

 

now i plan to fulfill that. Maybe its to late. Maybe i waited to long to tell all this. Maybe she doesnt believe me. Thats okay though because i got it out, all that toxic i was holding inside and i think she appreciated that. Im not sure what will happen now, all i know is i feel more centered than ive ever felt in a long time. I hope she calls but will understand if she never does. I needed her to know that and now she does. I plan to move forward with my life now, heart open, and ready for anything. Knowing that if it was meant to be then she'll find her way back...and if it wasnt then ill find my way into the person that was meant for me. And with me ill take all this, the lessons i learned along the way and everything will be okay. And so it is.

[dyna85]

I think that's really great that you followed your heart, howmightilive (very symbolic username btw, given the content of this very post). Like you, I reached out recently after a period of nc, b/c I felt this persistent urge to do so and given that I realize how fleeting life is and don't want to look back with regrets. I think it's necessary to take chances when it feels right and to not adhere to the 'rules' just for the sake of 'winning' or 'holding out the longest' or whatever the 'guidelines' will have you believe. No one else knows your story and can tell you what exact steps you should take. It's your experience, and yours alone, and if something is left unsaid and you feel like you just need to get it out there, and you've thought long and hard and it needs to happen, why not go for it? I think your feeling of being centered and achieving more clarity as a result of re-establishing contact is proof that you did the right thing for you, in this instance. You seem like you have the right mindset.

 

Best wishes to you on your journey.

[kenmore]

I also wish you the best, and I feel it's always good to follow your heart.

 

That said, her response "She told me i was forgiven and that she just needed space" is code for thanks but no thanks. I have heard it enough times to know that it is a death knell.

 

You did what was important to you and if it helped you, then that's what matters. I hope your uplifted spirits aren't just a manifestation of hope, because I know that feeling too well also. Continue your self improvements and make a great life for yourself!

[HowMightI-live]

I also wish you the best, and I feel it's always good to follow your heart.

 

That said, her response "She told me i was forgiven and that she just needed space" is code for thanks but no thanks. I have heard it enough times to know that it is a death knell.

 

You did what was important to you and if it helped you, then that's what matters. I hope your uplifted spirits aren't just a manifestation of hope, because I know that feeling too well also. Continue your self improvements and make a great life for yourself!

 

 

Thanks for your response. To be honest i do hope she calls, but i wont be waiting by the phone if you know what i mean. Like i said i am moving forward. i know now that regardless of whether she returns or not i will be okay. So i plan to be open to life and new possibilities but if she calls and i love her the same way i do today then ill pick up. But im not saying she ever will call and I'm not saying im going to sit around and wait for her to call. If its meant to be it will. Thats it. Im not going to try to analyze her messages because i cant be certain what it is shes thinking and i wont try to. So im not thinking to hard on it. I just know i did what i felt was right and i feel good about it. And i feel a sense of closure and lightness that i hadn't before that. I cant say i have hopes for the future when it comes to me and her because i dont know, but i have high hopes for just life in general and just the journey we all have to go on to become the people we want to.

[HowMightI-live]

I think that's really great that you followed your heart, howmightilive (very symbolic username btw, given the content of this very post). Like you, I reached out recently after a period of nc, b/c I felt this persistent urge to do so and given that I realize how fleeting life is and don't want to look back with regrets. I think it's necessary to take chances when it feels right and to not adhere to the 'rules' just for the sake of 'winning' or 'holding out the longest' or whatever the 'guidelines' will have you believe. No one else knows your story and can tell you what exact steps you should take. It's your experience, and yours alone, and if something is left unsaid and you feel like you just need to get it out there, and you've thought long and hard and it needs to happen, why not go for it? I think your feeling of being centered and achieving more clarity as a result of re-establishing contact is proof that you did the right thing for you, in this instance. You seem like you have the right mindset.

 

Best wishes to you on your journey.

 

 

 

i couldn't have said that any better then you just did. Took the words right out of my mouth, thank you.

[HowMightI-live]

I think that's really great that you followed your heart, howmightilive (very symbolic username btw, given the content of this very post). Like you, I reached out recently after a period of nc, b/c I felt this persistent urge to do so and given that I realize how fleeting life is and don't want to look back with regrets. I think it's necessary to take chances when it feels right and to not adhere to the 'rules' just for the sake of 'winning' or 'holding out the longest' or whatever the 'guidelines' will have you believe. No one else knows your story and can tell you what exact steps you should take. It's your experience, and yours alone, and if something is left unsaid and you feel like you just need to get it out there, and you've thought long and hard and it needs to happen, why not go for it? I think your feeling of being centered and achieving more clarity as a result of re-establishing contact is proof that you did the right thing for you, in this instance. You seem like you have the right mindset.

 

Best wishes to you on your journey.

 

 

and youre right it is necessary to take chances. Thats what life is about. You win some you loss some. Theres always something you learn when you earn a win, but you learn more when you receive a lost. I dont want to have regrets, i want to know i did everything i could have and then life happened anyway so i accepted it. And now that i did everything i could, i will accept the things i cannot change. Thank you!

[Ieris]

I am glad that you are feeling better and that you have waited 4 months to contact her, giving each other enough time and space to reflect on things. I think NC is great initially, most blogs/articles I have read say it is OK to get in contact again after a couple months once the dust has settled. You know where things went wrong and you have addressed them and I think it is a good thing to let her know that.

 

I hope she calls you back, fingers crossed! Do keep us updated x

[kenmore]

Thanks for your response. To be honest i do hope she calls, but i wont be waiting by the phone if you know what i mean. Like i said i am moving forward. i know now that regardless of whether she returns or not i will be okay. So i plan to be open to life and new possibilities but if she calls and i love her the same way i do today then ill pick up. But im not saying she ever will call and I'm not saying im going to sit around and wait for her to call. If its meant to be it will. Thats it. Im not going to try to analyze her messages because i cant be certain what it is shes thinking and i wont try to. So im not thinking to hard on it. I just know i did what i felt was right and i feel good about it. And i feel a sense of closure and lightness that i hadn't before that. I cant say i have hopes for the future when it comes to me and her because i dont know, but i have high hopes for just life in general and just the journey we all have to go on to become the people we want to.

 

HowImightlive, you have a wonderful outlook! I think you are doing very well under the circumstances.

 

I did some searching on the web in Oct and found one site from a therapist who said "don't try to read the runes". I don't know if you are a fan of lord of the rings or the hobbit, but the runes are signs that must be deciphered. The wisdom of that left me wondering if I was trying to "read the runes", which of course I was.

 

I was trying to read between the lines. Trying to figure out what she meant other than her words, and you know what? She didn't mean anything other than her words, because she simply meant to break up with me and that's what she said. I kept trying to figure out where I might find fault in her reasoning, figure out a weakness, figure out how I might make her realize her mistake in breaking up with me.

 

You are more down-to-Earth than I am IMO. I wish I had your insight.

 

Move on with strength, and don't look back. You will be fine!

[lil hoodlum]

I wont bore you with the history of the relationship to much. but basically after almost 4 months of nc i reached out. She was the dumper and i felt like after reading so many articles that nc worked, thought i could get her to come back this way. It had always worked before. We would split and a month later she would come crawling back.

 

during the 3 months of nc i started really reflectiong on all my s!it. I realised i was the reason behind the split. I took her for granted, i made promoses i didnt keep and i had just gotten lazy within the relationship and all aspects of life. So i started working on myself. started looking at myself. And waiting. Waiting for her to come back so i could say all these things, how i was wrong, but more importantly how i was ready to change. It took me 3 years and 3 years of her putting up for me to see that. The other night i made a decision, not to wait. To take control of my life and to stop sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. I took a chance to see if this was something i could repair. Had i not i wouldve probably regretted that for the rest of my life

 

 

when dealing with the heart and healing process, you start to realize things about yourself that you hadnt before. Part of spiritual growth is about being honest, being open and taking accountability. I didn't care anymore about seeming desperate or clingy...it stopped being about a game that one of us was going to lost and about my heart...my life. i loved her. So i told her so. I told her everything. hOw i took her for granted and stopped showing her how much i cared and how much she meant and still means...to me. And if i could take it back i would but also acknowledged that sometimes you just have to learn to live with these mistakes but most importantly you have to learn from them because if you dont then all the pain would have just been for nothing. All while keeping your head held high, because sometimes you just have to own up to grow up. She didnt say much...i think she was just taken aback. She told me i was forgiven and that she just needed space.

 

 

now i plan to fulfill that. Maybe its to late. Maybe i waited to long to tell all this. Maybe she doesnt believe me. Thats okay though because i got it out, all that toxic i was holding inside and i think she appreciated that. Im not sure what will happen now, all i know is i feel more centered than ive ever felt in a long time. I hope she calls but will understand if she never does. I needed her to know that and now she does. I plan to move forward with my life now, heart open, and ready for anything. Knowing that if it was meant to be then she'll find her way back...and if it wasnt then ill find my way into the person that was meant for me. And with me ill take all this, the lessons i learned along the way and everything will be okay. And so it is.

 

 

I think you are on the right path.

 

It also takes a mature person to take a hard look at yourself and admit to the other person your short-comings. Bravo to you for doing that. Sadly, many people will never get that from their ex's.

 

Good luck to you.

[dumbass2]

This was a great post HowMightI-live

 

Much respect for how you handled things. Wish I could have started my NC sooner then I did, but once I did, I did what you did which was self reflect. I found that I am very good at self awareness and having that ability to look at ones self is an attribute that I'm glad I have. I learned a lot and I am a much better person today for it. My ex contacted me after 3 months NC and I am proving to myself that I have indeed learned and I am showing by my actions. I let her know that I looked at hard at myself and have learned a lot and improved as a person and thanked her again for the time together as it was a fantastic chapter in my life.

 

Glad that you took the chance to contact her again. You only get one life and you have to take chances in order to live it. You did and kudos to you. You will not be someone that has any regrets and it seems that you are in a good place now. So am I in dealing with my ex. I also took the chance to move forward after she contacted me and things are going slow with no expectations, but I am full of confidence and know that while it is nice to have her back in my life, as such right now, I DO NOT NEED HER like I thought I once did.

 

Best to you!

[mangetout]

Really lovely heart felt post.

 

Own up to grow up. Love that

[HowMightI-live]

Words cannot express how much all you guys' words of encouragement and inspiration touches my soul. Thank you. Seeing as many of us are going through the same thing, hence 'breaks and breaking up' i wanted to share a quote that Gary zurkac shared with Oprah that really made me look at suffering differently and has helped me so much along this journey. He told Oprah, "Pain is... 'She left me,'" he tells Oprah. "'My child has got cancer.' That's pain."

 

Suffering, while related to pain, has an important distinction.

"Pain for a worthy purpose is suffering," Zukav says. "So if you know your pain serves a purpose -- and that purpose is your spiritual growth -- that's suffering."

 

i would ask anyone having difficulties accepting to consider that. Realize deeply that we are truly blessed and we will all come out of this stronger.

Thank you again for the kind words and happy holidays beautiful people.

[HowMightI-live]

So its been about a month since i initiated contact with my ex. I have not heard from her since that night and doubt i ever will and i gotta tell you, rejection has never tasted so sweet. After that night and for the first time i finally felt free from it all and free from her- most days. Before i contacted her of course the fear of rejection was playing through ny head and i at the time felt like if she did infact reject me then i would end up feeling worse then i already did. But this never happened. I felt instantly relieved that it was finally done. That I got my answer and could move on.

 

 

 

 

These days are mostly chill. I still think of her (not going to lie) at least once a day. Which is progress considering I would spend every second of the day wallowing in the midst of the past. When I do think of her these days, I don't really think. It's more like I envision her face in my head... and its genuinely not that overwhelming of a thought today. I definitely don't experience the constant negative commentary that would come in and out anymore. It's more like, I see her and then think.... Well, there she is. I think its me just recognizing that she's not gone yet... not just yet. But she doesn't hunt me anymore and it doesn't hurt to think about her either.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll be starting school back up at the end of this month and I'm really excited about it all. I feel clear headed and just ready. For the first time in my life, I'm not distracted from anything and look forth to see how that resonates as far as my studies are concerned. The only thing is the school I transferred to isn't very far from her house at all. In fact, it's fairly close and the chances of me bumping into her hhave multiplied This was not done on purpose. I had always desired to eventually transfer to this school and even when we were together iIhad told her so. They have a better program that iIam interested in and it felt like the right move because even just heard great things about the college. That being said even though I have been able to move on with life and am doing I think, pretty good, it would be tremendously traumatizing to see her. And to see her with someone else

Would be pretty agonizing as well. I'm not ready to see that or her. I'm not sure I ever would be. I want her to be happy and find love I just don't want to have to witness it. So every time I get off the train to walk to school, I'm likely to be thinking about this. Nervous.

 

 

 

It makes me feel like maybe I'm not doing as good as I think I'm doing. Me peeing my pants and all at just the mere sentiment of seeing her, idk thoughts?

Edited January 19, 2015 by HowMightI-live

[fromheart]

What your saying here is great, and you obviously know how to love. However...

 

First off, what were the mistakes SHE also made? And what has she done to rectify them? Because it usually takes two to mess up a relationship, unless you were beating her or something, and it sounds like you weren't.

 

Secondly, you're giving her alot of power over you. I'd be very careful of this. If you were to get back, its basically on her terms. That's not a relationship its a dictatorship.

 

I don't know why she rejected you, but I don't feel this is the way to get a girl back. The best and only way, is to move on and not look back. Say to her, lovers or nothing. Take care of yourself, bye. Then work on yourself and don't look back.

 

What's this about peeing your pants dude? Come on, you're not a schoolgirl. Man up. Yeah, if you see her it will be like getting punched in the stomach, but you can take it. If you see her, smile and give a friendly nod despite whatever you're going through inside, and keep walking.

 

If she wants to talk she can. Exchange pleasantries and keep it short. If she says, 'I love you so much, and this is what I'm willing to do to make the relationship happen,' then have a longer talk with her.

 

In the meantime, interact with other girls and keep living, looking after yourself.

[HowMightI-live]

What your saying here is great, and you obviously know how to love. However...

 

First off, what were the mistakes SHE also made? And what has she done to rectify them? Because it usually takes two to mess up a relationship, unless you were beating her or something, and it sounds like you weren't.

 

Secondly, you're giving her alot of power over you. I'd be very careful of this. If you were to get back, its basically on her terms. That's not a relationship its a dictatorship.

 

I don't know why she rejected you, but I don't feel this is the way to get a girl back. The best and only way, is to move on and not look back. Say to her, lovers or nothing. Take care of yourself, bye. Then work on yourself and don't look back.

 

What's this about peeing your pants dude? Come on, you're not a schoolgirl. Man up. Yeah, if you see her it will be like getting punched in the stomach, but you can take it. If you see her, smile and give a friendly nod despite whatever you're going through inside, and keep walking.

 

If she wants to talk she can. Exchange pleasantries and keep it short. If she says, 'I love you so much, and this is what I'm willing to do to make the relationship happen,' then have a longer talk with her.

 

In the meantime, interact with other girls and keep living, looking after yourself.

 

 

 

Thanks for the input, greatly appreciated. And well, we dated for about 4 years all together. The first year was great. The last 3...not so much. I was going through a lot at the time. I was unclear about what i wanted to do as far as career wise. I also felt spiritual bankrupt and just lost in all aspects of life. I even found myself flirting with a co worker at a job i was working with. Nothing happened, but im not going to lie, the thought of it excited me enough to quit. I guess i was just looking for something, anything to fill the void and the feeling of emptiness i felt inside. She did find out about it though and it didnt go over so well. She DID however, cheat on me with her ex when we first got together and told me so. We did breakup for alittle but after that but got back together a month or so later. When we first met i also was fighting a cocaine addiction and eventaully went to rehab. After i got out, things were good for awhile. But after a while, i felt smothered. loved her, but couldn't stand to be around her and it wasnt because of her, it was me. And yeah we would fight, but it was mostly because i refused to communicate these things to her. I made promises to spend more time with her, to involve her more in my life and family life and did none of these things. I refused to spend tine with her parents after awhile, i felt like a lie. A fake. I felt like theu knew what was going on and resented me for the way i was treating their daughter.

 

 

i knew all the things i needed to work on but just couldnt bring myself to do any of these affairs. I was tired of seeing her face. I felt suffocated, i felt pressured to be more and just wanted to be left alone. It became worse as the years progressed. I would come over, sleep with her and then initiate a fight just to get away from her. I didnt know what was happening. I couldnt stop lying to her...about everything. I really thought it was her. I thought it was her...all her but it was me. I was going mad inside and the guilt of taking her down with me was eating me alive. But every time she ended it she would always come back within a month so i reckoned i had time to work it out with her. from her. It was until i started doing some soul searching that i realised jist what i had done. I meseed up. But every time she ended it she would always come back within a month so i figured i had time to work it out with her. Except she didnt come back this time and i dont blame her. It was me. It really was. Even when i try to look at it from a different perspective, it still all boils down to me. I cant blame her for this. She tried. When i went to the pysh ward for the stress i was in she came to see me almost every day. She brought me food, she talked to me, tried to reason with me. Even with her busy work schedule..she made time. She always made time for me and was always there and i just couldn't do the same for her. It was too much.

 

 

 

 

i think it was just a bad time for me to be in a relationship and i couldn't give what i didn't have. How could i treat her right if i couldn't even treat myself right? I ddidn'teven know where to start. I see a therapist now and have come to terms with all this. Just to deal with the regret. I feel more spiritual intact than i have ever felt in my whole life. I feel centered. I'm not sure i would have been able to do the work I'm doing now had she stayed. She had to go for me to really look at myself. Though it can be painful sometimes i am grateful for the breakup. And yeah about the pee comment, i think i really would. I love her so much. It would suck to see her with somebody else..even though i would understand. she is beautiful inside and out and deserve to be happy. I do plan to say hello if i see her though. I have nothing but respect for her and her decision. I just feel like im not quite ready to see her. As far as dating? I'm open to the idea, but not going out of my way looking for it. Someone will come when the time is right. I doesnt feel bad being alone. It gives me more time to give myself my fullest attention. If she came back today, i would go back. But she doesnt have to come back for me to be happy, yknow? I accept that its over. Nothing externally is going to make me happy unless im happy within, iIknow that now. Still though..i really hope i dont bump into her! Lol.

[kacper]

I have a friend that did something quite similar to what you did. He took responsibility, was open and clear, and got everything off his chest. His girl never responded, and ended up dating another guy soon after. She was on the verge of moving to a different country with him, when it fell apart. My buddy and his girl ran into each other on a few nights out and the sparks were still there.

 

Now they are married and have been for 5 years. They have a really deep and beautiful relationship. He felt like that last talk he had with her, planted the seed in her mind that he wasn't a lost cause. It took about a year to grow.

 

The whole NC thing sometimes feels like a game to me. With my ex, EVERY SINGLE TIME I tried to play games with her, it blew up in my face. In fact it it the reason we broke up. So yeah, if people feel like breaking NC is okay, and they've had time to rationally think about what remains to be said, then by all means to do it. All the dogma on this site about being rigid with NC is nonsense, if you ask me. I got back with an ex once because I heard she ended up in the hospital and I reached out to her. What was I supposed to do there, remain NC? Absurd.

[HowMightI-live]

I have a friend that did something quite similar to what you did. He took responsibility, was open and clear, and got everything off his chest. His girl never responded, and ended up dating another guy soon after. She was on the verge of moving to a different country with him, when it fell apart. My buddy and his girl ran into each other on a few nights out and the sparks were still there.

 

Now they are married and have been for 5 years. They have a really deep and beautiful relationship. He felt like that last talk, he had with her, planted the seed in her mind that he wasn't a lost cause. It took about a year to grow.

 

The whole NC thing sometimes feels like a game to me. With my ex, EVERY SINGLE TIME I tried to play games with her, it blew up in my face. In fact, it it the reason we broke up. So yeah, if people feel like breaking NC is okay, and they've had time to rationally think about what remains to be said, then by all means to do it. All the dogma on this site about being rigid with NC is nonsense, if you ask me. I got back with an ex once because I heard she ended up in the hospital and I reached out to her. What was I supposed to do there, remain NC? Absurd.

 

 

I agree, it is a sticky situation indeed. I think NC ONLY works when the intention is to actually get over a person, whether being forced to or not. Some will use it to manipulate a ex into coming back...or 'giving in.' I know this because i did it myself.i waited 4 months for her to contact me so i could say the things i knew i needed to say to her in the first place.And i only really did that because i wanted her to make the first move. I didn't want to put myself out, be vulnerable. I didnt want her to WiN. But after awhile it just seemed kinda wack to me. If you love a person and want to actually be with them then tell them so. See if its something that could be mended. Life is to short not to take risks. Rejection sucks but its also reaffirming. At least then you wont have any regrets because you gave it your all. Its easier to accept something when there's nothing to regret. Its feels better knowing that its really over as oppose to spending another 4 months sick with anxiety, fear, and resistance to what is. You will only know whether or not you can change something if you try to. If you can? Great, if you cant? Well, atleast you tried now accept. I can safely move forward now. Its done. I tried and thats all that life requires of you.