Acceptance is easier said than done. (Updated)

[dyna85]

I still find myself hoping, every time I look at my phone or open my email, for something, anything, from him. I know it's over and there's no salvaging it. He couldn't have made it any clearer that he wasn't as invested in me as I am him. He couldn't have made it clearer that I am nothing of a priority and that he truly does not care about me in the present or future. However, I still find these little remnants of care popping up from within me, and I start to hope that he's okay, and I want to heal all of the hurts from his past. It's also conjuring up memories of the guy before him, who didn't have a mom around for much of his childhood, and I find my heart going out to him, and hoping he's faring okay in the world, and feeling like I want all of his wounds healed. It's like, wth is wrong with me?!

 

I just so want all of this to stop. I don't want to think about the guy that most recently could not reciprocate the love and care I felt for him. I just want to erase him from my memory, or if I can't do that, at least not feel like breaking down all the time. The moments I most feel like crying are the most inopportune times. Mostly it happens when I'm surrounded by lots of people. I just feel like I need to escape, and I mostly just want this pain to end. I know from past experience it takes me forever to get over rejection like this, and this time I thought I could kind of float through the feelings, because you know -- with age and experience -- you'd think it would get easier. Yet, it's more painful than ever before. Way more painful. It's like a constant dagger searing my soul. I'm trying to keep busy, but there are always moments of quiet, and I start to dwell on the pain and want it gone so bad. I'm also trying to sort through where I keep going wrong. Why is it that I find myself continuously attached to men who can't reciprocate this love I feel for them? It's almost like I can't commit, and there's this push and pull going on, and before I know it, I'm leaving or they're leaving, and I'm left second-guessing everything--and realizing my love ran so deep, because the pain is near unbearable.

 

I called it off two times with this guy, because things just weren't right. He wasn't showing me consideration. He was hardly making an effort. He made 'just enough' effort for me to keep giving him more chances to prove me wrong. When I called it off for the second time, I found myself tormented by the loss of him (increasingly so as the weeks passed), so I went back seeking answers-5 wks later-only to find, he'd let go of me so easily, like I had meant nothing to him.

 

This helped me wise up to the fact that it's not meant to be, and I felt really upset about it, but more capable of moving on, since I had the confirmation that he didn't care as much as I. Yet, once again, it's like, as time passes, I'm starting to romanticize him and wish things were different. When I think about how I care so much and he cares so little, God it's so excruciatingly painful. Logic tells me he isn't right for me, he doesn't care, it's over, get over it, stop hoping, stop thinking about him, it's not worth it, yet my heart thinks I'm living a movie where the guy will eventually realize the error of his ways and come back around again, pleading for a chance to make things right.

 

Yet, I know, from my last interaction with him, that it can't work -- because he just does things that are so inconsiderate. I know my heart is just playing this major fool, and I wish it weren't so freaking trusting and loving, in spite of all the hurt. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am.

[Itspointless]

Acceptance is easier said than done

The word acceptance is easily spoken. Acceptance itself is the outcome of an emotional journey.

 

Have you ever looked into attachment theory and your attachment style?

[erklat]

It will take a lot of effort to reach acceptance.

 

It is your complete emotional transformation. Some things will

never be the same once you reach there.

[jojojo_92]

Honestly I feel as though this post were written by me.

 

It feels strangely comforting knowing that someone else in the world feels the same emotions I'm feeling too, like I'm not alone.

 

All I can say to you is that pain demands to be felt. In a weird way, and yes this is very cliche.... It's good that it hurts because that only means it's real.

 

I can't say when, but it WILL get better. We have to hold onto that. Sometimes you feel a wave of positivity but some days you will wish you were dead so you wouldn't have to feel this way. I really do think there needs to be a grieving process. I once read somewhere that you feel the same emotions during a breakup as though someone had died--because it's true! A relationship died and it may be as though your partner has died as you can no longer reach out to them.

 

I think that people deal with grief in their own way. Who's to say that your ex is only acting like this and shutting you out because he isn't hurting too?

 

Really and truly I wish you all the best. I've read your words over and over again and I feel as though we are kindred spirits. Take it one day at a time. I'm not going to tell you to "stay positive" and "focus on yourself" because I know how it feels to be told that, it's bull****. Personally I get annoyed as some of my friends act as though I should be over it already. Get over 5 years in a space of a month. It's contradictory, really. We are always told that love is immense and is eternal, but once a break up happens, we're expected to get over it once a certain amount of time has passed.

 

I don't know if you believe in karma or reaping what you sow but I hope that one day they will feel this pain although it's not for us to inflict.

[erklat]

Everyone grieves differently. There is no terms when you are healing.

 

Do ad much self reflection as possible and focus on personal growth.

There are no shortcuts. You have to go all the way to the bottom but you

Will be glad one day for what you have become.

[dyna85]

I literally have such intense feelings towards my phone lately. Every time I check it and there's no text/missed call from him, I feel like dying. I turned it off tonight, and feel like it's just numbing the pain temporarily. It makes me feel somewhat more in control of the situation. I would, of course, feel bad if I were to miss a text/call from a friend, and for them to be wondering why I am not responding, but I just cannot take the pain of not seeing something, ANYTHING, come through, with his number attached. I am seriously in denial, but I can't escape these feelings. I cried so hard today. I'm sick of being down about this and I feel like the only way to move on more quickly is to leave my phone off, permanently. I know this is so not practical, ugh, because I am sure my friends will be checking in during the holidays and I don't want to ignore them... but this phone thing is killing me.

 

Before I met him, I hardly ever texted, and left my phone in the damn car at night. I rarely checked it. Now, I'm like ocd about my phone and even if I leave it in the car, my heart beats so fast when I go to check on it in the morning, or whatever. The worst is when I leave it in my pursue in a desk drawer at work, and I continually check it, and become increasingly depressed as the day wears on, when there's nothing from him. It's literally CRAY. HELP!

Edited December 22, 2014 by dyna85

[Ieris]

No need to turn your phone off, just block his number so your friends can reach you. Let that feeling of no more calls/texts from him sink in, will be tough at first but you'll get used to it and eventually you won't even think about it no more..

[dyna85]

How could I mean so little to someone that they don't even care how I am doing, after we established a freaking connection? Like, no 'Happy Thanksgiving,' no 'how are you, hope you're doing well.' Nothing. Why is life so cruel? Like, I literally died and had to resist contacting him to such a great extent. I put myself through such pains not to do it. Then, after a while, I finally felt peaceful enough to make contact to bring some closure to the whole situation, and it was like he couldn't care less. Like, I'm a nobody to him. He was able to easily forget me, yet he's on my mind constantly. Why does it have to be this way? (btw-after I had contacted him, I felt strengthened in my resolve to get over him. It all came back to me as to why it would never work, and I felt like I could move forward more easily. Yet, then this sentimental side had to rear its annoying face again, and I feel like I'm back to square one and thinking that my continued longing for him must mean something... and all that jazz).

 

Why can't I be just be a completely logical-minded person. I'm such a freaking dreamer, and it gets me in trouble in relationships, because I'm not about practicalities and everything making perfect sense. I have visions of possibilities and so much hope, always. The hope never gets me anywhere. Swear to God. When it comes to guys, the hope is a freaking lost cause and always leaves me wounded. Like, my heart wants to keep believing he will contact me. Yet, before, over a month passed and he never contacted me, so why should I expect anything to be different now? He basically said I mean nothing to him. Why would I want someone to whom I mean nothing?

Edited December 22, 2014 by dyna85

[EgoJoe]

Why don't you write about your relationship and the subsequent breakup so we can help you gain perspective.

[Chin Up]

Oh I know the feeling! You're standing there hurt and confused..holding your tattered little heart in your hands, and they walk off whistling a happy tune without so much as a backward glance. DIS!

The "why's" will eat you for a while but they do go away.

 

Not sure if this helps, but I was feeling how you are after my breakup, and still do at times but it's much much better and rare. It was around 1.5 months post b/u that I joined this site, so people didn't really see how hurt and confused I was, but hooo boy was I. If I wasn't working, I was laying around watching tv/crying and driving myself nuts thinking him, the breakup, and getting back together.

A lot of self blame went on for a while too. That was the worst, beating myself up over this guy. Jeez.

 

Today is 2.5 months post breakup for me and i like to think I'm doing alright, though I do have my moments. I almost made it 1 month NC and decided to spit on that achievement by texting him yesterday lol. Like you, all it did was remind me that he doesn't give two poops about me or how I've been. Made me not want to contact him ever again so that's good.

 

I'm now at a point where I don't miss him or want him back. For real. I don't even want to talk to him, so it was strange I texted him. My prob is I'm still wanting HIM to give me some kind of validation that I meant something, I wasn't just so easy to give up, and he feels regret for ending things. It's silly.

 

It really does the head in though, that they can just poof out like Houdini, and you're wondering if any of it was even real.

[Satu]

I think very many of the posters on this board have been exactly where you are...

 

You will heal ,and feel able to fully disengage and move on, but you're not there yet. Don't judge yourself harshly for what you're feeling. It's a stage in your healing.

 

You are healing even when it feels like you aren't.

 

Believe it.

[tampa1213]

i definitely understand how you feeling, like you don't matter. my ex is already moving on with his new girlfriend after 3 weeks of them dating and are now about to get their own apartment. i feel like i have been completely replaced like i never mattered like he literally just erased me and added her in my place and when i tried to reach out to him he just ignores me. i know how you feel trust me, it just feels like a part of you has died and your just thinking off all the good times and can't understand why you don't mean as much to them like they do to you.

[tampa1213]

i know exactly how you feel. me and my ex have been on and off for 3 years. i have heard everything in the book. i have heard i love you but i see you more as a friend. then a month or so passes and he's coming back saying he loves me and he made a mistake. then a few months pass and we are back to that point where he's telling me i love you but i'm no longer in love with you and we break up again for a few months and then we are back together. i feel like at this point i have just become numb to emotion. but i understand when am alone at night at my apartment all of those happy thoughts come thru and i obviously have this little hint of hope that he will come back again, but i never know if it will so that sudden feeling of unknown lost and not knowing what is going to happen is this something that we will be able to overcome or is this something that is truly over now. and feeling like they are moving on and your just so depressed and you just can't stop crying. its a crazy cycle in your own mind.

[tampa1213]

i honestly was thinking of doing the same thing and just turn my phone of for a month, because i did the same thing you did. every min on the min i would check my phone waiting for a call or a text from my ex and every time i didn't see anything all i could think is that he is just texting his rebound gf. which just made me feel worse. i even had to turn the ringer off so that it wouldn't bother me. because when i knew the ringer was on and i didn't hear anything it made me upset. i'm now 4 weeks into the break up and i have of course tried to reach out to him but i don't hate my phone as much as before. things will get better with time

[Lani]

I don't think you need to turn your phone off for a whole month..

Perhaps a few times like you did last night will help, but in time you'll find yourself feeling much better about the situation.

In the past I found that changing my message tone also helped- it's only a little thing but it really does make a difference.

 

It's cliché, but time really does heal.

Hang in there.

[dyna85]

Thanks for the kind replies everyone. Sorry my other post about struggling with nc kinda got mixed into this one. So Chin Up... your post totally made my day and made me laugh a little. Yep, I just joined the site at 1.5 months after the 'end.' I totally spit on my achievement of nc too, haha. I did it today. I got all emotional when driving in the car and this song came on that I never heard before and I just felt compelled to text him, so I did.. and resolutely.. like 'oh this is no big deal, I am doing this...' and so it went. He totally ignored me... and for the first hour I felt such pangs of like 'nooo how can he so not care at all..' but then I kind of laughed about it? (Maybe a defense mechanism?) My friends are like.. 'move on..he isn't a caring person..it's good if he doesn't respond bc then you will move on,' and I get it, but it still makes me wonder, 'why isn't he responding?' If he responds, I know it will probably piss me off, but I don't know.. this whole situation is so confusing yet clear. I zig zag between denial and total despairing clarity. The poofing out like Houdini phenomena is quite perplexing though, for sure.

 

Thanks Satu... I know it's best not to judge myself but it's hard sometimes when I think about how little I matter to him and yet how long it's taking me to heal. I know with each passing day, I'm supposedly 'healing,' but there's just reminders and pain and it seems like the passage of time is so damn slow when trying to move past this.

[Chin Up]

Well, if you thought that was funny, you should feast your eyes on http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/503812-whoops-i-broke-nc-teehee". You might relate to some of it cuz I've said/thought/felt a lot of the same things, at god knows when lol.

 

It's brutal being all over the map!:

"It's cool, who needs him? Not me. nope. Don't need him at all. nuh-uh, No way."

"I need him sooo much. ohhhh be still my beating heart! I feel like a taylor swift album! boohoooo."

"What was I thinking? He's so beneath me and I could do so much better. NEXT!"

"I'm never gonna get anyone better. Call nine-wah-wah, I need a wahmbulance!"

 

*GAG*

 

My friends started to just ignore my texts cuz I was pretty distraught and emotionally vomiting all over them. I can't blame them and they said similar things to this..

My friends are like.. 'move on..he isn't a caring person..it's good if he doesn't respond bc then you will move on,'

And they're right, and I know this..but it still seems so patronizing, condescending and like they're trivializing my feelings. Makes me want to go:

"oh hey friend for that deeply profound bit of wisdom. I feel so much better already, just like that. How about you *bleep bleep bleeeeep* til you *bleep bleep* and then you stick *bleep* in your *whistle* til it *whiz bang* and then you *bleepy bloopy blop!!!* ...DAMN!"

 

I don't know about you, but I wasn't even really offered a reason as to why we split. He pretty much sprung it on me with no explanations and peaced out after. oh and when I texted him last night, he made sure to mention that he had been at a party the night before from "someone" at work. Idk if that was meant to make me jealous or was a hint he's seeing someone, but it kind of amused me and I thought "oh cool, well enjoy your downgrade, I'm sure she's one helluva 5. HAW! - snickersnicker"

 

I've been on the receiving end of him ignoring a text, and replying (in a business like manner) and they both suck. I've now learnt (and by now i mean, for the umpteenth time) it's just not worth it to throw a line out. Work on yourself, doing things that make you look and feel good (cliche I know, I'm being a "bleeper friend" now haha) but it does help. If and when you run into him one day, you won't even be fazed and he can eat his heart out!

[Chin Up]

sorry but this made me LOL..

this song came on that I never heard before and I just felt compelled to text him

 

It doesn't take much, hey? I saw his friend at the mall..OH better text him!

(and I'm not being facetious or funny, that's what prompted me to text him yesterday.)

 

...--da fuq? lol.

[dumbass2]

"If he responds, I know it will probably piss me off, but I don't know"

No, it wont piss you off, it will give you an adrenalin rush, just like a drug fix and you'll feel great at the time and want to text him right back and when he ignores that you'll crave that fix again. JMO. I've been there.

 

I know it's best not to judge myself but it's hard sometimes when I think about how little I matter to him

A wise poster told me this on here a while back when I was going through this same crap about "oh, she doesn't care or never cared". What I was told was that she did while we were together, but we are not together any more so it doesn't matter because we are not in a relationship. How true, but us dumpees still care. You matter little to him and he shouldn't matter at all to you.

 

 

yet how long it's taking me to heal. I know with each passing day, I'm supposedly 'healing,' but there's just reminders and pain and it seems like the passage of time is so damn slow when trying to move past this

 

Yep, been there. I asked my friends this all the time and kept asking myself over and over the same damn thing. You know what? It's different for everyone. It doesn't matter if it was a 2 month relationship or 10 years, there is no time table at all. We all handle things differently and just because it may take some of us longer, it may just have been because we were truly emotionally in love with the other person and you know what? It's a great feeling when you recognize that you loved and gave your best to someone and you can do it again with the right person. Love is a risk and the reward is like no other. I'll take that risk any day! (but I will proceed with a little more caution next time lol)

[dyna85]

Oh my God.... Chin Up, I feel like you are me and your friends are definitely my friends! I have noticed when I'm experiencing the turmoil and 'emotional vomiting' all over, my friends totally drop off (I figure they're trying to help me by doing this?? teaching me that I gotta deal, maybe??) and/or I sense their annoyance with my continued lamenting, long after the fact that it's over. 'Just get over it already' is the vibe I'm getting -- along with 'he's just not into you.' Ughhhh. This is so freaking my reality right now. It's the pits, I swear to God. It's like, they're wanting us to shut up and get the heck over it already and we're like hanging on for dear life. I swear I feel like freaking Rose at the end of Titanic saying 'don't let go Jack, please don't let go.' It's truly pathetic.

 

This...

It's cool, who needs him? Not me. nope. Don't need him at all. nuh-uh, No way."

"I need him sooo much. ohhhh be still my beating heart! I feel like a taylor swift album! boohoooo."

"What was I thinking? He's so beneath me and I could do so much better. NEXT!"

"I'm never gonna get anyone better. Call nine-wah-wah, I need a wahmbulance!"

... is so me to a tee. Like, no lie. I have gone back and forth so many times. All over the place with these emotions. It feels so.... unhealthy? abnormal? I sometimes rationalize even the most illogical of emotions. And trust me, one thing I'm noticing is how illogical my emotions are. 'But my heart feels this way for a reason!' 'It must mean something.' Umm... not (hence, the ignored text and him not ever initiating anything) God, I feel like such a lost cause... like my heart is totally missing its compass right now.

 

... and yes, the craziness that is the crap that prompts us to contact ... it literally can be such a simple trigger. God, the low that becomes of it afterward... you'd think that'd be enough to put an end to it for once and for all ... but no, gotta keep making a fool of myself. It's like 'here's my dignity... go ahead take this too... let me hand it over (my pride)... oh yeah... and stomp right over that there (my heart)...I'm cool with it'

 

... business like response... HA! Yes. received one of those. sucked so baddd.

 

... him ignoring me... yeah, hurts worse than anything. Got like no sleep last night. No one can imagine the cruelty.

 

Today should be a blast.

 

Isn't life just peachy?

 

Thanks dumbass2 for your comment too. I agree that there's no time table to get over the hurt, but honestly, I have learned that there is no way to caution one's self against the hurt from loving and caring, because to open one's heart you gotta be vulnerable and willing to risk the suffering/pain. It's the unfortunate negative end of the spectrum, if it's not reciprocated.

 

Gah... my life right now.

Edited December 23, 2014 by dyna85

[Ajax]

 

... and yes, the craziness that is the crap that prompts us to contact ... it literally can be such a simple trigger. God, the low that becomes of it afterward... you'd think that'd be enough to put an end to it for once and for all ... but no, gotta keep making a fool of myself. It's like 'here's my dignity... go ahead take this too... let me hand it over (my pride)... oh yeah... and stomp right over that there (my heart)...I'm cool with it'

 

... business like response... HA! Yes. received one of those. sucked so baddd.

 

 

I love this thread because I'm right there with you guys. after almost two months of NC I sent my ex a Christmas card hoping to open up the lines of communication. She responded with a text, "Thnx for the xmas card. Hope you have a great holiday."

 

Awesome.

 

I get the ups and downs like you guys do. Mornings where it's all I can do to get out of bed. Nights when I want to reach out and either A) declare my undying love and agree to change everything about myself that she didn't like, or B) tell her all the reasons I'm better off without her to slap that smug self-important grin off her face. I alternate between blaming myself and blaming her, but knowing that we both played a part in how things unraveled.

 

There are also days when I can forgive and accept. Then days when I feel the need for justice. I spew to my friends and they tell me I should be over it by now.

 

I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother last night in which Marshal was trying to get over his fiance leaving him. It was actually hilarious how well the nailed it. It's just a universal truth that breakups suck and take time to work through.

[harmony13]

You are so not alone in what you're experiencing. I do the exact same thing and it really bothers me that I feel the need to check my phone for a text or a missed call. I thought about just blocking his number and being done with it but then I think to myself, what if he really tries to reach out to me? Will he give up on me if he can't reach me? I have those type of questions roaming through my head and I know it's crazy but I can't help but to wonder.

Edited December 25, 2014 by harmony13

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Why not just block him from all forms of communication to remove any ambiguity? I've found it quite freeing to block someone I may have been hoping/waiting to hear from. It puts YOU in control of the situation. You have no way of knowing whether he's contacted you because it will never go through anyway and there's no need to jump every time your phone goes off since you at least for a fact who it won't be.

[MissLilly]

You know, I was dealing with the same feeling you are right now all this weekend. I know so well how you feel, and even tho he called me today and we fixed things already, I'm gonna say to you what i decided to do right before... I just gave up, even when the pain seemed impossible to deal with, and when everything I wanted was to keep looking at places he used to communicate with me. If you NEED, and you're not going to miss something important (work calls, friends calling etc), shut it off if you feel you must. There's a time you must start thinking on yourself, and it's not bad to feel the pain for a while, but trust me, even if you think you're not gonna be ok, you know you will as the time passes by.

 

Try to distract yourself. Take a nice shower, put some nice clothes, talk to a friend... go watch some funny movies. Please, keep your mind busy with healthy things.

 

Big hugs!

[blackcat777]

Blocking the number worked best for me (wonders for me, actually) because it drowned out the sound of him not calling.