Jump to content

More thoughts on being friends with my ex

banini_jeque

By banini_jeque,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share Followers 1

Recommended Posts

banini_jeque

banini_jeque

Posted
Posted (edited)

My ex wants to be friends and it's a new idea to me since I just started dating more seriously recently and late in life, as some people who have read my other posts may know.

 

I like the idea of exes being friends in cases where both people just sort of mutually realized they made better friends than lovers, and figured they could both find better matches.

 

I also even like the idea of it when initially only one person wanted to break up, but they sat down with the other person and said "look, I think we match up really well in all of these areas, but not in these other areas which are important to me, and I think we can both find a better match."

 

In some of these cases they might even help each other find better matches.

 

But in my case, it doesn't feel like that. I feel like she grew to view herself as out of my league, and that I was just a baby and didn't do it for her anymore. I wasn't even worth talking to about whatever the issues were, like I wasn't capable of understanding such a conversation. So the idea of accepting her as just a friend feels insulting almost. She keeps saying she likes me a lot and wants to be friends, which kind of helps, but not enough somehow. It feels like accepting the friendship is telling my spirit that I'm not good enough to be her boyfriend. In reality, there are some things that I can see that made us a less than ideal match, and the main reason for the breakup was really that she got scared and anxious about being in a relationship, so she decided she didn't want to be in one anymore, with anyone. But that insulted feeling is still there despite knowing this.

 

 

 

Then I had this other idea of chemistry or whatever, where it's like you have chemistry with people that works for a friendship, and you have chemistry with people that makes you feel romantic towards a person. I'm afraid that I'll always feel that romantic chemistry with her, whether I'm happy in another relationship or not. There's lots of people out there that we can all feel that with, and I just want to choose one of them. The idea of allowing more than one in my life, and constantly having to remind myself that one is just a friend feels weird. Any other viewpoints on that? I'm not sure if thats a real feeling or if I'm just being paranoid. Like maybe if I just relaxed and tried being friends I wouldn't think about this anymore.

 

 

 

I do like her and would want to be friends with her as well if I felt slightly differently about it. I think we share a lot of good qualities to have as friends, it's just that these things get in the way for me. Plus, I talked to her about all of my concerns, and her reaction was that I was overthinking it all, which made me feel judged instead of understood, like I would expect from a friend. Maybe my feelings about the breakup are tainting my interpretation of our conversations? I don't know.

Edited by banini_jeque
Link to post
Share on other sites
tikay00

tikay00

Posted
Posted

Can't be friends until you're indifferent. Been there, and let me tell you, it's unnecessary stress you put on yourself. You over analyze EVERYTHING they do, and say.

 

DON'T DO IT.

 

I was even thinking about sending my ex a happy b day, but forget that. No feelz for me during this holiday season. Not worth it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
banini_jeque

banini_jeque

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I guess whats weird about that is that yeah, we are overanalyzing everything that we each say, but I find that humorous somehow, so I don't mind that aspect of it, and wouldn't mind having a friendship like that if we both thought it was funny, but I don't think she does.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dumbass2

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

you have admitted that you have and may always have romantic feelings for her. Trust me with this. you cannot just be friends. IT WILL NOT WORK. It rarely ever does. Yes, you still like her and a lot about her, but you can't get past the romantic feelings and when those come into play, then the emotions start taking over. It will not work unless you have no feelings like that for her. It sounds like you are no where close to that. You have to see that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
banini_jeque

banini_jeque

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I don't know that I do still have feelings for her, I think I'm just paranoid that I'll still feel the chemistry and that it won't work for a friendship. Same end result though I guess, but I might also just be paranoid since I've never been in this situation before.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dumbass2

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

You really have to look hard at yourself and ask yourself what you truly want. most dumpees will convince themselves that they can be "just" friends but their true intentions are to get back with them romantically for the long term and your not being honest. You have to be honest with yourself. If you are not sure, then don't try it because it's not fair to either side.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

You aren't ready to be her friend. You are just overthinking this and doing mental gymnastics because you think she might fill some void.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ordinaryday

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted

The best example I can give you to illustrate why being 'friends' with an ex you are not 100% over NEVER works is this: if you were her 'friend' and she rang you excitedly to tell you that she has met an amazing new guy who she JUST LOVES and wants to be with and she cant wait to have sex with him.... can you honestly say that you would be 100% happy for her and supportive of her and not feel any personal hurt or heartache at hearing the news??

 

cos that is what friends DO - they support each other and are happy for each other during these situations - if you cant say that you would be 100% happy for her and supportive of her after hearing that she is with a new guy then you are not ready to be her 'friend'!

 

but anyway, it is all hypothetical because as other people, and myself, have pointed out in similar posts on this page - even if you are 'friends' with your ex IT IS VERY RARELY A REAL GENUINE FRIENDSHIP. it is more like an acquaintance.

 

'friends' are someone you can call any time, who you hang out with regularly, chat to, support, catch up with on a REGULAR basis, etc. Exes very rarely do this after one dumps the other (so rarely in fact that I have NEVER heard of it happening EVER).

 

exes who claim to be 'friends' usually just mean that if they bump into each other at the supermarket they will be polite and make two minutes of small talk, and they might exchange a text message once a year.

 

that's NOT a 'friendship'. that's an acquaintance. I personally see no point to that, I am an all or nothing person. she can either be with me or have 100% NC with me but she can't be 'just friends' with me. All or nothing.

 

do the same. it is by far the least painful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ordinaryday

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
But... what if you just let it be and let it all go... there's always that angle to it too. Maharishi style.

 

you can ONLY be friends with an ex when you are completely 100% over them, and by that I mean you could see your ex walking hand in hand down the street with her new romantic partner, and then stop and kiss him passionately and the only thing you would think is "I need to buy some bread from the store".

 

if seeing your ex kiss her new lover passionately would hurt or bother you IN THE SLIGHTEST then you are not ready to be friends with her.

 

also, if you need to put THIS MUCH THOUGHT into whether you can be her friend then you are not ready to be her friend! you are ready to be friends when you dont need to think about it, when she is just another person you catch up with, no different to your other friends.

 

the fact that you are putting so much effort into debating whether you can be her friend yet shows that YOU ARE NOT YET READY!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
banini_jeque

banini_jeque

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I also met someone that I like a lot, but fear that perhaps I'm not ready to date them. I felt like I was at first, but now I'm wondering if perhaps I ought to let them go until I'm back to feeling like I did before my last relationship started.

 

You know what though... it's been too long. I'm tired of this crap. I think it's time for me to just man the f up and just accept it all. Make myself do it. Fake it until I make it.

Edited by banini_jeque
Link to post
Share on other sites
KittyTiger

KittyTiger

Posted
Posted

I know where this thread is going with the idea of all or none, but is there a chance to spark back her feelings for you into Bliss as stated in Relationship Rewind?

 

I mean it might seem like a friendzone but if my aim is to get back together with my ex isn't being friends the only way to remind her of the sweet old memories together? She left you because of a reason (I.e one of your negative qualities) and to show her that you've changed you must first get closed to her as a friend, am I right?

 

Please enlighten me as I'm facing the same problem and my only aim is to get my ex back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted
But... what if you just let it be and let it all go... there's always that angle to it too. Maharishi style.

 

Don't be weird.

Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 1
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...