butterflygirl1986 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Hi all, I've been dating a lovely guy for three months. He was the one who initially 'chased' me but from early on he was very honest and explained that he was hurt very badly in the past and does not want a serious relationship. This took a little time for me to understand what he wanted as we both agreed to be exclusive, we were seeing each other often and were in communication often. I explained I would never stop him doing things such as seeing his friends or going on holidays with friends. I'm pretty independent so I also like my own space. I trust him and he says he trusts me however every so often he would bring up how much he dislikes relationships and how they are all the same- bad! I would try to explain to him that all relationships are different and you can not compare other peoples relationships to your own. I also said I don't see how what we are doing (dating exclusively) is any different from a 'relationship'. Basically he has only ever had one relationship that lastest for six year. He has said the last 2-3 years were really bad with constant mind games, arguements and general bad feeling. However, they loved each other and he felt trapped. Finally he realised it wasn't healthy so he left (and moved over the otherside of the World). He now believes all relationships are bad. They require too much committment and comprimise. I have explained that yes you may have to comprimise sometimes but it should never be all the time. He has said that he has his 'guard up' but slowly he has been bringing it down, but he is petrified of being hurt again. He thinks everything will always end in pain and he just can't deal with it. After another 'relationship rant' on Monday night, I thought we were ok. He said a few things I disagreed with and I did say this to him but it ended with him saying a few nice things like how he thinks I would get along with his Mum and how he is letting his guard down with me. So Tuesday we were texting and he said again how he is confused with what he wants. I said to him he needs to decide as he can't keep worrying. I then said to him whether he wanted to 'leave things' between us. We chatted and he said he is just so confused that may be we should leave things. Obviously I'm upset as I was perfectly happy with what we were doing. We were together but also so relaxed- it was good. I left him to it Wednesday then Thursday I just text saying 'This sucks'. He agreed so I said then maybe you should think again about what we were doing. He just said again how he's guard is up but it's not because he doesn't trust me. He said how he knows it will end in pain and he can't handle that again. He also said how 'this' (I assume us stop seeing each other) is hurting enough. I went back to him and said I won't hurt him. I have said in the past that I can not make that promise as I do not (and wouldn not want to) control his feelings but I did say that my actions, I will not hurt him. That was yesterday afternoon and I haven't heard anything since. I've decided I won't contact him again as I really don't want to put pressure on him. I just wondered if there is any advice you could give me to help the situation? It's very frustrating as I know he is a good person and really deserves to be happy, and I do believe I can help him be happy and support him. But I think he has never seen a 'good' relationship therefore he thinks everything is bad. Thanks for reading my very long post. Becky x Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 There is absolutely nothing you can do here. Leave him to figure this out on his own. He's wounded and needs to heal and he can't do that with the pressure of another relationship. Be his friend, give him space and let time and circumstances takes its course. If a guy really, truly wants to be with you, nothing will stop him... but that's not the case here. Give him space to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author butterflygirl1986 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Thanks for taking the time to reply. I know you're right. I've tried to reassure him that I'm not the same but he does need time to heal. I guess I'll just need to leave him be :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I was seeing someone like this, stressed out, slipping into depression, not over his ex, not ready for a relationship, don't know what he wants... Etc. I know you may want to help your guy but STEER CLEAR or you'll be the one wound up depressed. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Some people use relationships as a distraction when they are going through a tough time and when they're all better they can easily kick you to one side. Go for people who are ready and know what they want, not those broken ones because what they need is a therapist not a girlfriend. I know that sounds harsh as you are worried about him but its very obvious that he's not in good shape to jump into a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 He's damaged by past experience, and it's up to him to find a way to heal. You've done all you can, so now just let him go and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaya Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Yip, leave him be, this is not a healthy dynamic. He will probably make contact with you again at some point - but be careful not to get sucked back in. In my experience (and I've learned this the hard way), when a guy says he is not looking for a "serious relationship" then that is your cue to get out immediately, however much you like and connect with them. It's better to find a guy who is emotionally available & stable - ready, willing & able for a happy relationship with you x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author butterflygirl1986 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Thanks for the replies. It's difficult as I do believe I know him and I know he isn't a 'Player' or anything like that. He is just scared. But saying that, he needs to learn not to be scared on his own, It's not my job or responsibility to teach him this. It's just so frustrating as we really had a good thing. It was all so relaxed and chilled yet we still enjoyed it. But I had to say something to him as I knew he was overthinking things. I just hope he sorts himself out soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Kick him to the curb. He's damaged goods. Plenty of red flags. 1. He chased you and didn't want a relationship 2. Only had 1 relationship and already so jaded and saying they are all the same 3. Moved to the other side of the world, ran away from his problems instead of facing them. As they say, wherever you go, there you are. 4. Clearly isn't over his last relationship 5. No sign of moving on, letting go, growing up, doing introspection and becoming a better person since last relationship. One could say he's become a worse person since. You deserve better, even if you think you are fine with what you had. He wasn't, and you weren't if you're honest with yourself! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author butterflygirl1986 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Kick him to the curb. He's damaged goods. Plenty of red flags. 1. He chased you and didn't want a relationship 2. Only had 1 relationship and already so jaded and saying they are all the same 3. Moved to the other side of the world, ran away from his problems instead of facing them. As they say, wherever you go, there you are. 4. Clearly isn't over his last relationship 5. No sign of moving on, letting go, growing up, doing introspection and becoming a better person since last relationship. One could say he's become a worse person since. You deserve better, even if you think you are fine with what you had. He wasn't, and you weren't if you're honest with yourself! Good luck! Wow that's really harsh although I do agree with some of it. Some people are stronger than others, he isn't weak but he just needs to face the fact that life soemtimes isn't as great as you think it is, but you learn from it and move on. He is definately a 'bury head in sand' person so I know he hasn't really faced what has happened. I don't like the comment of 'damaged goods'. I feel quite personal about this as I was previously married and widowed at 25. People could call me 'damaged goods' at least I hope they don't!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 We all are damaged goods at some point in life. The difference is that some people decide to work on it, some don't. I'm sure at some point in life he'll get his act together and he'll be able to love. But right now doesn't seem to be the time! If it can make yourself feel better, I'm damaged goods right now Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I would have taken him at his own words. He does not want a relationship. We can't make it our mission to change or convince people to be with us. I personally think that he wants a relationship with the right girl, but that wasn't it. By "right", I don't mean that you are "wrong", just not right for him. There's another perfect guy out there waiting for you. Don't waste your energy on this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 The reason he doesn't want a relationship isn't the most important point here - it's that he doesn't want a relationship. You cannot fix this. It's up to him to sort that out, and it's not fair for that to happen on your watch as you will be the one who gets hurt. I think maybe you're seeing the last few months through rose-coloured glasses - it is so great to be chased only to be told (in so many words) that you're not going to be his girlfriend? That doesn't sound very good. Unfortunately, he clearly didn't feel the same way you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crazybestie101 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Yip, leave him be, this is not a healthy dynamic. He will probably make contact with you again at some point - but be careful not to get sucked back in. In my experience (and I've learned this the hard way), when a guy says he is not looking for a "serious relationship" then that is your cue to get out immediately, however much you like and connect with them. It's better to find a guy who is emotionally available & stable - ready, willing & able for a happy relationship with you x Agreed with this poster Link to post Share on other sites
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