Confused on what to do

[novembergirl]

Well...here's my story. I'm a gay woman in a very weird situation.

In 2013, during the summer, I've a relationship with someone that I used to call way to young. She was 21 at the time and i was 26. Her situation sadly was not a very good one... on any plan. She was jobless, living in her at that moment, girlfriend who was constantly threatening that she would kill herself if she leaves her and had nowhere to go besides the girl she was with.

 

Anyways... we met online. We started out as friends and that was that. She used to tell me about her relationship and i used to listen or vice versa. We really got along as 2 girls who respected each other and were not really up to be more than just 2 friends who really got along well. Buuut ... it did. We would spend alot of time together. Than her gf found out about us. She left some photos in the computer intentionally for her to see them. She kicked her out and ended up staying with some friends. I went after her and stayed for 3 nights begging her to go to her moms. Her mom wasn't in a good situation either so... anyway we broke up and she went back to her ex.

 

We blocked each other and added so many times till i finally said we have nothing more to talk. She said i should be careful to say goodbyes this way as it breaks hearts and i don't really realize. But somehow we talked from time to time. She used to lie to me that she is fine and used to pretend that she loves this gf she had because she somehow was depending on her.

 

About 10 months later (may this year), she came back and wrote to me a long message on fb. She apologized for all she did and said she regrets that she hurt me. I knew she was in a relationship with a guy this time. Weirdly for me but knowing her, i found it was normal. Probably she found that safe spot she looked for as she was always a dependable person. I told her i knew and that i am happy she is happy and that there it's ok about what has been in the past.

 

i thought at the moment that she is trying to make things right. I knew i did that ones as well and was only normal to me to forgive and both move on.

And than it all started. She started asking me about the bad things i daid to her when we broke up and did i really mean them? Did i really believe that about her? It made me wonder why she is still bothered about what we said when we were angry. If i put on a balance the things i did wrong and what she did to me, lets just say that hers would be 10 times worse and more than mine. But at 28, now i know she has still alot to learn about life and self esteem so i tried to explain to her that we both made mistakes and that its no use to remember them.

 

But if she wants to talk about them, then she has to know that she is going to have to give am explanation for her own mistakes as well. She agreed and said she is sorry and that most of the things i had from her were, writen by her ex who was very jealous.

now to be honest, i don't care about that. But when she saw i was ok with us and i have nothing to object, she posted this photo on fb. Then she wrote to me and told me and i quote "you used to make me feel the most beautiful girl...and now... nothing." I asked "why do you still expect me to see you like that? You will always be beautiful but now you have someone else to show you that"

 

And she started saying how great this guy is, how he understands her and how well he treats her. How she loves him and she wants a family with him and how he wants a baby with him.

And i told her i am happy that she finally found someone so wonderful. She described him as being something almost too good to be true. And always like trying to prove me something and impress me on how happy her life is. She even explained to me how he never refuses her and how they sleep. And i was like "wtf..." . I finally told her that she does not need to give me details or try to impress me. I know her way to well and know that she probably is not happy. I told her she doesn't have to try to fool me as we've always had very open conversations and honest ones.

 

Why this now?

She barely had an interest on my gf and i. She made some mean remarks to my gf's adress at the moment.

Not to say that she has another fb account where she posts all the activity with her gf and not on the one where she has all the lesbians.

She told me some weird things like "you don't understand me! You know how i am. I am scared to be alone and i depend on another person."

In my mind i was like "well thank you for practically giving me the answer"

 

When we first saw each other via web again in may this year, she acted like she was my damn wife. Her boyfriend was sleeping in the other room and she was dressed sexy having a sort of tshirt identical to the one she had on her the first time we met. She kept reminding me about the times we were together and asking me if i shall jump the window again to buy her food because she is hungry. When the guy woke up, her attitude changed instantly. In front of the camera she kissed him and while doing that, she looked in the camera to see if i am looking. Of course i turned my face in another way as its damn disrespectful to be in between a couple. Mostly it felt weird. I thought then... what guy accepts to see his gf speaking to her ex?

 

I said goodbye and said i will let you two lover birds to do your things. 2 minutes later she wrote to me saying that my reaction was weird when he came in and that i looked jealous. I told her straight that maybe, thats what she expects from me. A reaction that wont be there. I said " you want to hear me that i still love you? Maybe i do" of course she acted like she didn't wanted me to feel that way. Then i daid i was joking. The past is the past. All of the sudden she became distant.

 

A few days later, i started writing again and posted on my profile. To everything regarding two girls getting married or me writing short stories about girls, she would hit like and comment about how gorgeous it is.

 

Till one day when she wrote me this message asking me to write something about her that she can keep on her diary as a memory. And i was a bit shocked by her request.

I could write hundred of pages about how amazing i think she is and that because i still love her but as i said to her...whats the point? I told her i will do it if she sings a song for me in return. We both waited for the other to do something. None of us did anything )))

 

We barely talked this past months. But during this short conversations in which one was via webcam, i remember she said i am lucky that i am in england and that i finally got where i wanted. She told me that she works with him ( something i knew because thats where they met) but she doesn't really does what she likes. She said she wants to come to england. I said come on! Take him and come here. When she heard that she said "neh...better not". Now i know she likes to be the center of attention and she admits it but she knows that doesnt work with me. She kept telling me how if she ever breaks up with him, there wont be another guy in her life. If you are happy, and in love, there should not be any thought of breaking up, right?

 

So a few days ago i told her i am going to be in her city someday at the end of january. She said that its super and we will see each other. And that she is sp happy that she gets to see me again. And that she will send me to buy her food. ( like i used to do when we were together) and i said that her boyfriend will do that. She ignored that part and i said. Ok... i will go this time. Just this one time.

 

She said laughing "see, you know!" And that i will come to hear her sing to the restaurant she sings even if i hate that type of music. But i have to come because it's her and it's enough. And she will sing to me a song she knows i love and as well i know she sings it, called "je t'aime". The lyrics fit like a good pair of shoes to us.

 

Now ... what the heck should i understand from all this and more that has happened since may?

Anyone any opinion?

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added much needed paragraphs

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, it's really hard to understand. It seems like the two of you play too many games with each other. For example, you know she likes attention and, instead of just calling her on it and joking about it, you deflate her by saying something indifferent. Indifference is hurtful. If you don't like the way she plays games, then respond differently to her, in such a way that it doesn't hurt her.

 

I don't know if she's really happy with the guy she's with or not but she continues to flirt with you, and want your approval. Why don't you just ask her openly if she wants to be with you, if that's what you want?

[novembergirl]

We are playing games, indeed. Exactly because I know she is an attention seeker, I am trying not to become "the one who stands on line while she is feeling wanted and still keeps her man" . The guy, as far as I know, is trrating her right and most important for her, helps her with her career . (If you get where i"m coming from). She is not the "bitch" type so I don't want you to get me wrong. I know we both regreted that it didn't work out. It's not really indifference. She knows I am a straight forward person and that I will always tell her how it is. I am honest. I told her and keep telling her that she can be anything she wants but only if she gets up and fights for her share. Standing there and waiting and using her pride for distructive reasons, won't help her. I think in a way i understand her attitude when it comes to looking for my approval. Yet, now she has someone else and keeps telling me how wonderful this guy is. I remember that one day, i asked her about how serious they are and apparently they "are very serious" and probably will end up in marriage. And even if it hurtsled me like hell, i eas still happy for her. She shocked me when she asked me this "what? You'd be happy seeing me married?" And all i could answer her was "i'd be happy if i'd see you happy... but you keep showing me the opposide. It's like you keep trying to convince me while convincing you that you really are happy. All I want you to do is to not lie to yourself" . This is how we talk.