6 months later and still no better.

[Mevi]

Hi.

 

It has been 6 months since me and my ex broke up. She did the breaking up, and it's getting no better. I would've thought after this time things would feel a bit better, and less raw, but honestly, I feel just as bad now as I did 6 days after it happened.

 

We were together for 6 years, and broke up in June. I've been in strict no contact for 5 months, and the only reason we spoke before that was settling some issues with the living arrangements (we lived together.)

 

I've tried to move on with my life, starting new hobbies, working on my fitness, and health too. I've even lost quite a bit of weight, and feel healthier, yet I'm still no better when it comes to the raw feelings I have about the breakup.

 

I thought by now I would've been at least OK, or not thinking about it every day, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I realise coming up to the holiday period isn't going to help either, as this was a time of year we spent together and loved. So pretty much every little thing reminds me of her. It will be the first christmas and new year's without her for a long time for example.

 

I realise she's probably with another guy now, and has certainly moved on from me, which is why it's even more confusing that I'd still be hurting over this, when I know it's entirely pointless.

I keep feeling this need to contact her, to email her that I still love her and still care for her, that I'm missing her, but I know it'd be a mistake.

I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. I really thought things would be better by now, not the same, or even worse.

Help please. What do you suggest? I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Ieris]

Hello Mevi,

 

Sorry to hear you still feel that way after 6 months.

 

I must ask... Do you want to move on? Are you ready to move on?

I know some people don't want to move on or force themselves to straight after the break up. You might even start NC but that doesn't mean you want to if that makes sense?

 

Some people still secretly wish their ex would come back, want texts/emails/calls from them, want them to come knocking on their door etc. and that really isn't letting go. It's like holding on to those last threads of something that used to exist.

 

You need to decide for yourself that letting go is the right thing to do. Your ex has let go so this has nothing to do with her as it is only you holding on. I know it can feel like you'll lose them forever once you let go but you will not heal until you do so. Losing them is bad enough, don't lose yourself as well. How can you be happy if you are still holding on to something that makes you sad?

 

Here's something you can do - create a list.

 

On one side title it "What will happen if I don't let go"

Examples:

I will continue to suffer.

I will never find someone new.

I will be living in the past.

 

On the other side: "What can happen if I let go"

Examples:

I won't be thinking about her anymore.

I will be happy.

I will fall in love again.

 

Fill it in and hopefully you will see the benefits of letting go.

 

When you feel like contacting her, create a word document or write a letter to her but never post it. It's a way for you to let your feelings out and not bottle it up inside. You'll be surprised how different is it having those thoughts swimming in your head and seeing it on paper. Write anything you want, no one will ever see this but you.

 

Your relationship may have went down in flames but there is always something positive you can take away from it (happy memories, lessons learnt etc). Break ups are one of the hardest things to go through and you can learn so much about yourself in the process. Evaluate where you are and where you want to be, start a new chapter leaving the past behind. Just because there has been some ups and downs in previous chapters, that doesn't mean you can't have a happy ending

[Mevi]

Thank you Ieris.

 

This was incredibly helpful to read, just what I needed. I think if I'm being totally honest with myself, I still was hoping she'd text or email or contact me in someway to see how I was doing, or to try again.

 

I really appreciate your help, and you're totally right.

[Halcyon]

Hey Mevi,

 

Really sorry to hear about your breakup, a relationship that long would take some time to get over for sure. So don't beat yourself up about it. Now what happens with your ex now is nothing you can change it's just wasted energy thinking about it over and over. You need to accept what you had is over, it's dead long ago. Sure you can think about the happy times but also remember you guys broke up for a reason and that reason will not be fixed if she was magically to contact you again. Which to be honest is a very unlikely scenario which is not worth the energy if it did happen deal with it then and there but you really need to accept it is done and dusted.

 

Once you can accept that you can start to move on and things will get easier and you will feel better, you will find someone else. This process can take as little or as long amount of time as you want. The key factor is you and how long you try to keep that flame alive even though it's already gone. I learnt long ago that pining for reconciliation is a waste of time and energy and really can stunt you emotionally if you let it go on too long.

[hockeydan]

I am with you Mevi in the feeling you are having. I just hit the six-month mark and 3 months no-contact after a 3 year relationship and the holidays have just been pulling me down in the abyss once again. While I do not feel like I did on day 6 (I was a wreck!), I do feel like I am falling into back down in my efforts to get over her. This whole process really is a roller coaster, and I think I am back going back down another hill.

 

It will get better though, I have had good hours, days, weeks, so I know its possible. I just can't shake the feeling that I want her to contact me. I refuse to contact her as I am not in the position to do so, it has to be her and it has to be to get back together.

 

Stay strong, ride out these feelings and we will be back on the climb to the top of the coaster and feeling on top of the world, in time.

[HurtGator]

Hi.

 

It has been 6 months since me and my ex broke up. She did the breaking up, and it's getting no better. I would've thought after this time things would feel a bit better, and less raw, but honestly, I feel just as bad now as I did 6 days after it happened.

 

We were together for 6 years, and broke up in June. I've been in strict no contact for 5 months, and the only reason we spoke before that was settling some issues with the living arrangements (we lived together.)

 

I've tried to move on with my life, starting new hobbies, working on my fitness, and health too. I've even lost quite a bit of weight, and feel healthier, yet I'm still no better when it comes to the raw feelings I have about the breakup.

 

I thought by now I would've been at least OK, or not thinking about it every day, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I realise coming up to the holiday period isn't going to help either, as this was a time of year we spent together and loved. So pretty much every little thing reminds me of her. It will be the first christmas and new year's without her for a long time for example.

 

I realise she's probably with another guy now, and has certainly moved on from me, which is why it's even more confusing that I'd still be hurting over this, when I know it's entirely pointless.

I keep feeling this need to contact her, to email her that I still love her and still care for her, that I'm missing her, but I know it'd be a mistake.

I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. I really thought things would be better by now, not the same, or even worse.

Help please. What do you suggest? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Do you think you feel like this because you keep trying to figure out why she broke up with you?

[Satu]

It's useful to think about the difference between *need* and *want*.

 

Sometimes we think we need something, but we don't - we just want it.

 

Sometimes a 'part' of us screams out that we need someone, and can't be happy without them. Thats when *needing* and *wanting* get mixed up, and it's not true.

 

If you really need something and don't have it - food, water, human company, rest etc, that's an emergency and the need has to be filled ASAP.

 

We can change our minds about what we want, but we can't change our minds about our needs.

 

So you maybe need to examine your needs and wants, get the needs filled, and work out what you really want at this point in your life.

 

You can't go back, but you can tread water or go forwards.

 

My gut feeling is that you're still treading water.

 

Am I right?

Edited December 15, 2014 by Satu

[Ganz7]

Thank you Ieris.

 

This was incredibly helpful to read, just what I needed. I think if I'm being totally honest with myself, I still was hoping she'd text or email or contact me in someway to see how I was doing, or to try again.

 

I really appreciate your help, and you're totally right.

 

I've was dumped 8 weeks ago and I still think she will contact me to see how i'm coping etc as she knew how devasted I was when she left. But no.. nothing. Not a stich other than the time she phoned me to remind me to lie to her friend should I ever bump into her friend that she was still working at my borther in laws and the other time was when she wanted me to return from a tennis match asap so that she could pick up a letter for a job interview that was posted to my appartment. I had texted her the details of the letter but this wasn't enough she wanted to read the letter herself. This was after she dumped me and handed to keys back to my flat! She actually came round at midnight to pick the letter up. Then asked what I was doing hoping I would give her a lift no doubt to her new bf house (which I didn't know at the time). So you see if she wanted to she could have phoned me to ask how I was. Instead she was more interested in her own agenda.

 

We know the dumper isn't going to come back but still fantasise about it. I know I do. Can you do a complete NC emotionaly I mean. Where the NC is about the emotional detachment not just the physical.

[Zzyxx]

I know exactly how you feel. It's been five months for me and everything that you said applies, even though we weren't together for as long. I think sometimes these things just take a long long time to get over, especially when you live together. The amount of time you were together, and the living situation, I feel slows the healing process down a lot. IMO, I don't necessarily think it's about simply wanting to be over it and that magically enabling you to move on. I think you can want and work towards something all day long, but sometimes it just takes the heart a long long time to catch up to head. I hope things start looking up soon.

[kenmore]

Hi Mevi

 

You and I are in the same timeframe, it was July 8 for me.

 

My wife and I have been on and off NC for months. At first, it was all candycanes and lollipops as far as communication went, but it eroded over time and ended up being dumpsters and gutters.

 

Now, every time I try to talk to her casually, it's just acid thrown in my face, so I realized (surprise) that's not a good idea. Christmas time is making that so much harder!

 

My advice to you, as counterintuative at is it seems (and as counter my experience is), is to go ahead and communicate with her. While that flies in the face of what is happening to me, your situation is different, and reading your story makes me feel you should reach out.

 

That said, expect the acid in your face!! It's most likely, but if it happens, rejoice! It means she cares.

 

If she's indifferent, then your relationship is likely lost. Either way, you will not know if you don't reach out, and there is no time like the holidays to suffer!

 

Good luck!!!!!

 

Ken

[Holmes85]

Hi.

 

It has been 6 months since me and my ex broke up. She did the breaking up, and it's getting no better. I would've thought after this time things would feel a bit better, and less raw, but honestly, I feel just as bad now as I did 6 days after it happened.

 

We were together for 6 years, and broke up in June. I've been in strict no contact for 5 months, and the only reason we spoke before that was settling some issues with the living arrangements (we lived together.)

 

I've tried to move on with my life, starting new hobbies, working on my fitness, and health too. I've even lost quite a bit of weight, and feel healthier, yet I'm still no better when it comes to the raw feelings I have about the breakup.

 

I thought by now I would've been at least OK, or not thinking about it every day, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I realise coming up to the holiday period isn't going to help either, as this was a time of year we spent together and loved. So pretty much every little thing reminds me of her. It will be the first christmas and new year's without her for a long time for example.

 

I realise she's probably with another guy now, and has certainly moved on from me, which is why it's even more confusing that I'd still be hurting over this, when I know it's entirely pointless.

I keep feeling this need to contact her, to email her that I still love her and still care for her, that I'm missing her, but I know it'd be a mistake.

I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. I really thought things would be better by now, not the same, or even worse.

Help please. What do you suggest? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Mevi,

 

You are doing GREAT.

 

You have lost weight and feeling more confident day by day. You also mentioned about you started new hobbies, you are off to a great start.

 

6 Years is a long time and it's going to take time till you heal from it. But here's the great news, you WILL heal from it, you just have to be patient.

 

Your mind is going to wander from time to time towards her, but try not to think too much about it, as you thinking too much isn't going to change anything. With enough time and space you will continue to get better.

[flightplan]

Hey, you're going through a life defining moment. You'll always remember her but it will fade with time. Thats really the only cure... time. How you spend that time is another thing. If you're holding out hope that she'll come to her senses, then it's going to take more time. If you've accepted it, and can focus on your new goals and a new future, then it will take less time. Don't beat yourself up... you're going to have peaks and valley's for some time to come... find a way to laugh and keep on keeping on... good luck.

[dyna85]

Mevi,

 

Honestly, 6 months is nothin'. I was in a relationship for ~1.5 years and it took years to recover. Years to stop wishing and hoping. During the holidays and special occasions, the hope and feelings of loss intensified.

 

I agree with flightplan, in that if you're holding onto hope, the journey to acceptance will stretch out a bit longer than if you were to accept it here and now as permanently over, with no future chance of working.

 

With regard to Halcyon's comment 'I learnt long ago that pining for reconciliation is a waste of time and energy and really can stunt you emotionally if you let it go on too long.' -- my personal opinion is that feelings are feelings and if you're pining, that's just a feeling that must be dealt with, to move to the other side and finally reach acceptance. You will get there, in due time.

 

There are no shortcuts to healing. Everyone rides the waves of emotions at a different rate. Some of us get stuck out there clinging for dear life to our surfboard, while others just coast, riding the waves like an expert.

 

We're only human, and it's best not to beat yourself up for not adhering to some rigid recovery plan with a set deadline. It's just not realistic to be 'over it' within a set time frame. Everyone is different and moves at their own pace.

Edited December 22, 2014 by dyna85

[ponchsox]

Don't be hard on yourself. Focus on you and do something you've never done before. Learn a new language. Travel to a foreign place. It takes time and you're only at 6 months. Best wishes, my friend.

[loversquarrel]

6 years is a significant amount of time to be with someone. It comes as no surprise to me that you are still grieving this loss. 6 months removed from 6 yrs isn't a long time.