Take him back?

[CDubs464]

Hi There,

 

About a year ago I joined this forum because of a gut-renching, soul shattering, heart crippling break up.

 

Here is a BRIEF summary:

 

May 2013: I schedule a mural unveiling at my work (I am an art teacher for disabled adults and they'd just finished a mural) and ask him to come to the unveiling. His family is going to be in town and I ask him to extend the invite. He says they'll have to cancel a night of camping in Yosemite. I ask him if they can move it a night, it means a lot to me to have them all there. He says ok.

 

Late July 2013: The parents are out and we are all camping (they've at this point, camped their way across the U.S.). It is a week until the mural unveiling. They make it clear that they aren't coming. On the ride home I ask him if he will still come and we can meet them at Yosemite the next day. I offer to drive the entire way and leave my own event early so we can get up the next day. He agrees

 

Aug 2013: He tells me last minute that he, "Sees me all the time and never sees his family." He doesn't come to the unveiling and goes camping. I tell him we need to break up.

 

Day after we break up, he's got an old flame for a date to a wedding I had rearranged my summer to get too. It becomes clear that he has feelings for this person. They go to the wedding

 

NO CONTACT FOR ABOUT A MONTH

 

Sept. He comes to move out, we sleep together and say we want to work it out. Things seem precarious but moving forward through mid nov.

 

November 2013: He takes a road trip across the country with his dad. He ends up staying there saying, he needs to live near his family and he needs to see where things go with this other girl (the old flame). We break up and I am a mess for at least 6 months.

 

Last Sept. we start talking, we both are still in love, and there is a chance i'll live near him when i start grad school in fall 2015. We've lived on opposite sides of the country and had NC per my request for 8 months. We will see each other for the first time in over a year this coming January.

 

He says he made the biggest mistake of his life, he blew it and lost the best thing he ever had, NOTHING ever happened with that old flame, she was just an excuse to move back to near his family, and he had a bit of an emotional break down and had to go (which I think is true).

 

He wants to get back together. I am so scared he will just leave me again and treat me as dispensable. I worry that factoring him into my decision on which school to attend is a huge mistake (be it I go to school to be near him or to NOT be near him). I still love this man but the voice inside is saying "Don't trust him." He never cheated on me but kept his feelings for this other girl deliberately hidden. I can't tell if the voice is sincere intuition or just... fear. I think fear is a bad reason to make a choice and I don't want to give up on the strongest connection of my life because I'm afraid to to trust.

 

Any thoughts, feed back, or suggestions would be so very much appreciated. Thank you kindly for your help and support.

[Frank2thepoint]

He never cheated on me but kept his feelings for this other girl deliberately hidden.

 

This is cheating, because it was an emotional affair. He had his thoughts on another woman (his old flame).

 

He isn't being consistent. Well actually, he is being consistent with being indecisive and stringing you along. Nevertheless, your intuition/fear is justified. I would recommend for your to move on and find someone new that doesn't play games with you, but since you explicitly said "I don't want to give up on the strongest connection of my life because I'm afraid to to trust (sic)" means your journey of moving on and healing will be arduous. What you two have is history, and it's comfortable because you know him and how he acts. Building a new connection with someone new is frightening because it requires time, energy, and emotional investment, all over again. If you truly afraid to trust, then you are placing an insurmountable obstacle in front you. You really need time to yourself, heal, and improve your outlook on relationships.

 

As for school, I recommend you choose a school that benefits you the most overall. Which includes close proximity to where you live now. Moving for someone is not a solution for fixing a dysfunctional relationship. Just like having a child together will not magically fix problems in a relationship, or getting married.

[andilyn1]

You said you are worried, scared, and don't trust him. All I can advise is to trust your gut instinct! I had worries about not being able to trust my now ex, and I should have trusted my instincts. But didn't for a while. Then I finally did, and I was right. I guess my best advice would be to take some time to really think this through. If it doesn't feel right, or feel comfortable, then it most likely isn't. You may feel you have an amazing connection with this man, but you have to look at how he's treated you. No one deserves to be made to feel as if they are dispensable. I agree with the previous post about him being familiar and comfortable. I'm going through that myself. I felt like going back to my ex would be good. But I had to do some soul searching and realize that I only felt that way because I was comfortable with him. Starting over is hard. No one wants to have to do it. But sometimes it is for the best.

[LifeNomad]

People can have a genuine regret and can change...especially after a year or however long its been...sometimes its just what people and relationships need...but only u know...trust and go by ur gut instinct and have no regrets after, because u will never know what wouldve couldve happened if u did or didnt take him back.

 

I personally root for love to work...but only if both people want it of course.

[Ducktape]

In this case, I'd say you'll regret it more if you don't try, than if you do try and it doesn't work.

 

Regrets work like that. As previous poster said, the "what ifs" will get to you in the long run. If you try and it doesn't work, at first you'll feel bad, but that will be short lived. You'll have your answer and you'll know you did your best.