Thinking about leaving my pregnant girlfriend...

[Redge]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and going through quite a difficult time in my life.

 

First of all, I know this is frowned upon by most but please just hear me out and save the judgement.

 

Let me just tell you a little about myself. I'm a 24 year old college student pursing a career in Network Security. I am diagnosed with OCD, depression, GAD, ADHD and PTSD so basically my life is already a giant mess.

 

I met my girlfriend a little over a year ago at a bar we hit it off great for the first few months and then we discovered that she was pregnant with a baby girl. I'll be honest I was hesitant at first as I am still in school and only work part-time but I eventually started getting more and more excited about being a father.

 

She decided we should get an apartment and move in together which I was okay with so we moved in to an apartment in July and have only been dating for a few months now so we were rushing into everything kind of fast.

It wasn't to long after we moved in together that we started fighting about everything. Money was a big issue and it got to the point where she would make me hand over every dime I had to her every time I got paid, leaving me with nothing in my wallet and I would have to ask permission for money and it really bothers me that I can't buy myself lunch or a drink once in awhile if I'm out and about.

She also stopped letting me see my friends, I don't even want to go out nearly as much as I used to because I know I need to save money for when my baby girl arrives but I shouldn't have to abandon my friends completely.

 

I feel so controlled by her and only feel like this is causing in a greater increase in my depression. I've lost motivation to attend classes, or do my homework, I have no energy to do anything any more. I love her so much but I don't feel like I am in love with her anymore. I'm scared to say any of this to her because I fear she won't let me be apart of my baby's life and all I want to be is a good father.

 

I hope this doesn't make me a bad person. I truly do have a big heart.

 

Thank you for listening to my story.

[jojojo_92]

Hi Redge,

 

I know it's not MUCH of an excuse but try to be a little more patient as she IS pregnant and very, very hormonal right now.

 

I'm sure you're a good guy and you haven't decided to actually straight up leave so I admire you for that.

 

I'd suggest that when you guys aren't fighting or arguing, you sit her down and talk to her about how you feel and really open up to her... As for her controlling all the money, I really think that's a pressing issue that you guys need to sort out.

 

If nothing changes then maybe you could stick around (maybe not live together) but be there for her during the pregnancy. I really think you guys should hash it out before deciding anything just yet. Be open, honest and make sure you guys really listen to each other instead of fighting. I understand this is a really difficult time and there's a lot of pressure on the both of you but I really wish you luck!

[Million.to.1]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

You are so young and both you and your GF have really rushed into things before you really knew each other. It's going to hard when you both don't have your lives together yet and are expecting a daughter.

 

Can you tell us more about what your Gf does for work?

How did this pregnancy occur? Were you not using BC?

 

Why are you not allowed to see your friends or have your own money? Are you irresponsible with it? Do you drink and stay out late with them? Why does your Gf need to control this if what you are doing is reasonable ?

 

Please elaborate...

[evanescentworld]

1) Remove yourself from the hostility. Move out.

 

2) Discuss everything with her on safe neutral ground, away from her home and yours.

 

3) If you DO decide to split, be a responsible dad, even though you won't be her partner any more.

 

That's how divorced couples with kids handle it.

 

Pregnant or not, she has no right to be so controlling.

Pregnancy is absolutely no excuse (Yes, I've had kids, I'm a mom) and there is no basis or foundation for her making such demands on you.

[Redge]

Thank you for the quick replies and I apologize for not elaborating more on my situation.

 

My girlfriend is an autism support worker she is an extremely hard worker with 2 college diplomas and I respect her for that. The pregnancy came as a surprise and no, we weren't using protection or BC.

 

My girlfriend has always been a jealous woman she is always expecting that I am cheating on her if I am out with my friends. She gets angry with me when I don't constantly text her while I am out, I mean I'm only out with my friends once in a while I would prefer not to be on my phone the whole time. Not to mention she gets me to take pictures of where I am and send them to her so she knows exactly where I am and who I am with. None of my other friends have to do that. It's extremely frustrating.

 

As for money I am only working part-time so I am not making a whole lot of money as it is. She is so set on saving for a house that I can't buy myself a coffee or anything. I kept money for myself once and bought her a pair of sunglasses that she wanted for our one year anniversary and she flipped out..I of course got nothing in return just an ear full. I understand saving for a house is important but realistically everybody needs a little bit of spending money here and there.

[evanescentworld]

My girlfriend has always been a jealous woman she is always expecting that I am cheating on her if I am out with my friends. She gets angry with me when I don't constantly text her while I am out, I mean I'm only out with my friends once in a while I would prefer not to be on my phone the whole time. Not to mention she gets me to take pictures of where I am and send them to her so she knows exactly where I am and who I am with. None of my other friends have to do that. It's extremely frustrating.

This is a problem she has, and should work on. It's not for you to kow-tow to her bidding and appease her. She's got a problem.

If I may say so, you have enough on your own plate to deal with, without compensating for her too.

 

As for money I am only working part-time so I am not making a whole lot of money as it is. She is so set on saving for a house that I can't buy myself a coffee or anything. I kept money for myself once and bought her a pair of sunglasses that she wanted for our one year anniversary and she flipped out..I of course got nothing in return just an ear full. I understand saving for a house is important but realistically everybody needs a little bit of spending money here and there.

My original advice absolutely still stands.

 

Move out.

[veggirl]

How was the pregnancy a "surprise" if you weren't using bc or condoms? lol come on!!!

 

I'd sit her down and ask wtf she truly wants. Can you guys converse w/o a fight? Talk about it. Tell her how stifled you feel, how controlled and that it's not okay. TELL HER you are honestly, genuinely considering leaving her.

 

Lets be real, you barely knew her when you guys got her preg and moved in. You had no idea if you were compatible. You aren't. but if you wanna try you need to TALK calmly and maturely and honestly.

[BC1980]

It seems as though you two aren't compatible. It's really important to make sure you are compatible with regards to finances before you commit to a person. This entire situation sounds like a mess because you are actually trying to figure out if you want to be with her, while you have a baby on the way. I'd suggest you try to talk to her, but it might simply be that you are not meant for one another.

[jojojo_92]

Thank you for the quick replies and I apologize for not elaborating more on my situation.

 

My girlfriend is an autism support worker she is an extremely hard worker with 2 college diplomas and I respect her for that. The pregnancy came as a surprise and no, we weren't using protection or BC.

 

My girlfriend has always been a jealous woman she is always expecting that I am cheating on her if I am out with my friends. She gets angry with me when I don't constantly text her while I am out, I mean I'm only out with my friends once in a while I would prefer not to be on my phone the whole time. Not to mention she gets me to take pictures of where I am and send them to her so she knows exactly where I am and who I am with. None of my other friends have to do that. It's extremely frustrating.

 

As for money I am only working part-time so I am not making a whole lot of money as it is. She is so set on saving for a house that I can't buy myself a coffee or anything. I kept money for myself once and bought her a pair of sunglasses that she wanted for our one year anniversary and she flipped out..I of course got nothing in return just an ear full. I understand saving for a house is important but realistically everybody needs a little bit of spending money here and there.

 

Oh wow, OK with this information, definitely take evanescentworld's advice.

[endlessabyss]

It's a shame for the kids sake. Not having both of her parents together, before she even enters the world, puts her at a disadvantage in life right off the top.

 

 

There really isn't any solid advice that can be given. You, and your partner, seem pretty immature, and not ready for the responsibility of handling another life. You're obviously nowhere near prepared, and this girl your with seems like she has some issues that need to be worked out.

 

 

The best you can do is try to reason with her, and let her know your position. If I was you I would start sacrificing, not for yourself, but for this child. You shouldn't need to have a drink, but the coffee thing is an extreme. At the end of the day you need to own up. You want to have irresponsible sex, now you'll pay the price.

 

 

I had a similar situation happen to me, and my relationship with my daughter is obsolete; and let me tell you, it hurts everyday. You'll have a lifetime of pain to look forward if you don't find a way to work this out, not because of your daughter, but because you have to raise her with this person.

 

 

Good luck

[unforgotten]

Redge, I was (and probably still am) depressed for a very, very long time. People kept asking me if I was fine and I was telling everyone around me how I was even though I was hurt really bad. You know how it is. People think you're just sad but you keep the happy face on. Depression is on a whole other level. How can you explain to others why are you depressed if you don't even know it yourself, right? And when you find out it's hard to tell anyone because no one would understand and it's so difficult to explain.

 

I only wish I would tell my girlfriend about my problems earlier because she would have listened. She did listen but it was too late. She said if only you would tell me this earlier. I thought it's stuff I have to deal with on my own, that nobody would understand and I didn't want to load her with my own problems. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made! Only now can I see how much my depression which resulted in my unhappiness in our relationship would actually both drag us down. Communication is the key! Talk to her about your own problems, your deepest secrets and emotions, tell her how you feel about her, how much you love her and how she can trust you that you wouldn't cheat on her. I know she's hard on you but trust me, it's never only one's fault. Looks like she loves you as well, don't be too hard on her and try to accept her the way she is. This shouldn't mean she doesn't have to work on your relationship. Explain her that. It won't change over night but with the right approach you can do it! My advice. Be the first one who opens himself completely to the other and start from there. It's a very hard thing to do which I personally wasn't able to do but at least you heard it from someone else. You have a chance now. If you don't do it you might regret it later.

[preraph]

Not gonna lie to you. If you think it's hard to have any fun now, just wait until when the baby comes. She will need you there to help as much as possible.

 

Now, as far as her bossing you around and taking all your money, stop allowing that. Just stop. You need to tell her you are going to have a boys' night out once in awhile but that you will not lead them into bankruptcy and nor will you cheat on her and that you will be there to help with the baby. She can't take your money if you don't give it to her. You may just have to get an extra job. Was she not working? Did she ever work? If not, it will be up to you to support both of you. If she worked before, she needs to stick around for all the nursing and stuff and then find someone to care for the baby while she works. Don't let her take over your finances. Be a man and tell her that's not fair -- NO. As for going out, what ever is good for the goose is good for the gander, so you two need to decide how often to have girls or boys nights or days out is reasonable for the both of you.

 

But you are getting ready to be very busy with the baby and not have much energy left for playing because babies keep you up all night and you will have to help. Good luck.