bf broke up with me to live "the single life"

[girl8729]

Ever since my break up i've been on this forum nonstop. I've read a bunch of different threads and thought I could use some advice, since everyone here is so great and helpful!

 

My ex and i have been broken up for 5 months now, but before that we were dating for almost 2 years. We were best friends for a while before we started dating, and when we did start it was one of the easiest relationships the both of us have ever been in. We almost never fought and even when we did, it never lasted more than an hour and we were both quick to apologize. We started dating senior year of highschool (we're both 19 now), and continued throughout our first year at university. We both go to different universities, which worked out for us when we were dating because i got to see him once or twice a month, and allowed us to have our own lives and not be so tied down by the relationship (we were both very trusting of each other). He always told me (and his friends) that I was the best girlfriend he's ever had and that he seriously sees a future with me. I had met his parents, and he had met my parents, so we were both a major part of each other's lives. We broke up in the summer after our first year at university, and this break up was completely out of the blue. He initiated the break up and said that he wanted to "try living the single life" and not feel like "he was being held back" from doing what he wants (even though I was always let him do whatever he wanted, talked to whoever he wanted...etc), and that he felt like he was too young to commit. He also went on to blame me for the break up, and said that "he liked more more as a friend than as a girlfriend". It's a really frustrating situation because a couple days before the break up, we were on the phone, and he was going on about how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks i am, so all of this seems like a complete shock/180 on his part. I was devastated to say the least

 

I went straight into no contact after, never begged for him back, and just tried to focus on myself. He never tried to contact me either, until we heard the news that one of our mutual friends (who is a lot older) has just gotten engaged and we're both invited to the wedding (which is in december). Since then, he's probably tried to contact me at least once a month, each time having to do something about the wedding. When we both went back to school, I kept seeing pictures of him going out clubbing, drinking, constantly being surrounded by girls, dancing with girls, so i decided to block/delete him off of everything. Right before Halloween he texted me asking if he could come up to where I live to talk, and was asking me about my life and how i was doing. I tried to be civil and kept the conversation short. When i gave him an answer on when he could come up, he said he'd let me know. When he finally let me know (2 days later) he said he couldn't come up and had to study. I'm at the point where I don't believe that he's going to come back, but it's so hard because the relationship was so perfect, and this was something that he always said. Our "supposed to be" 2 years just recently passed, and on that day I decided to do a little bit of snooping, and noticed that he had deleted all our pictures together.

 

With the wedding date approaching, I'm just confused on how to handle this situation with him. I really want him back because what we had was so special to me, and i know it was the same for him. I just can't seem to understand his perspective and his sudden change in personality. I've constantly been hearing "just move on", and I really have tried, but I just want to get a sense of what he's feeling or thinking. Any advice would be great.

[Conners]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. With his new life at university he probably felt he was missing out on the "college" life by watching his friends who aren't tied down enjoying single life. There were probably several temptations and he didn't want to end up cheating.

 

I'm glad you didn't beg for him back! I would just stick to no contact, even at the wedding just say a civil hello if you have to. Why does he need to contact you in regards to the wedding anyway?

 

It's possible he still has feelings for you and cares about you but don't hang onto the thought he might love you still, if he did, he wouldn't of left. If he comes crawling back to you after hes had enough of his "single life" ask yourself seriously if he deserves it after everything he put you through. Our first loves will always have a place in our heart but I'm sure there is someone better out there for you.

[jackinthebox1]

You are still sitting here months later hoping he will come back which is counterproductive. And you are replying to his texts, and you took a while to take him off social media.

It doesnt sound like its sunk in that this is actually over.

By the time the wedding rolls around you should really be at the point where you are ok with seeing him there and hopefully have a date of your own.

 

This is over. He does not want to be with you and is sleeping with other women.

Try and understand that for your own well being and start properly moving on.

You are both 19. The chances of being with the same person forever are minutely small. Please try and accept that this is over

[KatZee]

I really want him back because what we had was so special to me, and i know it was the same for him. I just can't seem to understand his perspective and his sudden change in personality. I've constantly been hearing "just move on", and I really have tried, but I just want to get a sense of what he's feeling or thinking. Any advice would be great.

 

What he's thinking is this. He's young. He doesn't want to be tied down or committed to anyone. And you may think, "I was an easy going girlfriend, I let him talk to whoever he wanted." That's not what he means by "I want to go out and do whatever I want."

 

He wants to explore other people, other girls. He doesn't want to have to be out with his friends at a bar, or a club, or a party, and have you in the back of his head, worrying about you, worrying about possibly cheating on you, etc.

 

He's 19... he's most likely not going to settle down with the woman he will marry until he's in his late 20's, possibly even 30's. The chances that this was the guy you were going to spend the rest of your life with? Slim to none.

 

You're both going to grow up TREMENDOUSLY. And it sounds like he was your first REAL boyfriend so I get why it's so hard to move on, and to be honest, the first is always the hardest to get over. So just because you're not moved on after 5 months doesn't mean something's wrong with you.

 

What you DO have to stop doing, is wallowing. Don't snooping on Facebook again. You have to completely get it out of your head that he's going to come back, wants to come back, or think there's any hidden meaning to why he's been reaching out to you.

 

I'll tell you why he's reaching out to you: to be your FRIEND and to basically ease his own conscience. Perhaps he does miss you on some level, perhaps it's because he wants to clear the air before seeing you at the wedding, perhaps he doesn't want it to be awkward seeing you, perhaps it's to tell you that he's bringing someone and doesn't want to hurt you on the day of...but I don't think it's to come back.

 

He's out there living his college life up, partying, dancing, with friends, other women. As much as it hurts and you don't want to do it, you need to be doing the same.

 

Do situations occur where the guy does come back? Yes. Nothing is impossible, but you can't go around thinking this is what's going to happen, because 9 outta 10 times, it doesn't.

 

Try to get involved with things at school. Groups, clubs, intramural sports. Join a gym, force yourself to go out with your friends. Maybe sure you look AMAZING at the wedding if you do go, maybe think about bringing a guy friend of yours, not to make him jealous, but just so you don't have to sit at a table alone during slow dances, and you have someone there to take your mind off the fact that your ex is sitting a few tables over.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sure on some level you will always care about each other but like most people your relationship didn't survive the transition from high school to college. He wanted to explore, which is common. You can't do anything other than what you are doing. Hang in there. Keep your head held high & carry on.

 

Do you have a date to the wedding? Get one if you can (& if you were invited with a guest).

 

Otherwise, look stunning & be gracious but cool when you see him. Do not drink too much & have an exist strategy so you don't find yourself getting caught up in the romance & falling back into his arms for the night.