Two plus years wasted with someone I thought was my true love

[Cedar27]

I know this is long but i'm in crisis mode now and I really need people to help. I'm a man in my late twenties, and have been living with my now ex-girlfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. We met online and she moved across the country to live with me after we saw each other a few times. She's about 4 years younger than I am. At first our relationship was magical. We couldn't get enough of each other, sexually and emotionally.

 

After a year and half after moving out to my state, I felt that the relationship was changing and not for the good. The vibe began to be more negative with her. Sure, this was the first time out of her home (and first real long term relationship), plus she was half way across the country from her family. She had not made a ton of friends out here and unfortunately her educational plans have taken longer than she would have liked. I work from home and live a pretty introverted life. I am more intellectual than outgoing. I act a lot older than a lot of 27 year old men, partly because I spent the ages of 15-22 in a cycle of drug addiction and alcoholism. But with hard work I got out of that life, got back into college, and now own my own business and house. I've finally made it, and I know who I am.

 

Our sex life began to take a dive 10+ months ago. At first we couldn't get enough of each other. As our sex life faded, I tried to be as understanding as possible, but as time passed it became clear that it was no longer "just being tired" from work and something more was happening. I began trying to talk to her about it, and she began stonewalling (flat out refusing to talk about it). I approached her as gently as possible, but she wouldn't budge and talk about it, just saying "I don't want to talk about it now" or "i'll work on it". Months passed and nothing improved. Fast forward to a few months ago, she told me that she decided she will no longer have sex with me, AT ALL. At least not until marriage but we must have a 1 year long engagement. This was a complete unilateral decision on her part, and confusing as when we first began dating she actually initiated the sexual contact. I was hurt, rejected, and confused. Her decision isn't based on a religious belief. She really hasn't explained it well at all. I wasn't born yesterday, something else is going on.

 

I needed explanations as to how she came to this decision, I needed her to understand it's not OK for her to just take sex away because she says so, but every time I brought it up, stonewalling. Refuses to talk. I end up talking to her for hours with her sitting there….completely silent. I tell her my feelings, my wants, my needs, etc. I even own up to things I NEED to work on. Nothing. She looks at me with a thousand yard stare with no sympathy whatsoever. I told her if we are having issues that may be causing her to feel like she doesn't want to be intimate we need to talk about it, and since we can't talk to each other for whatever reason we MUST see a therapist. She refused. Finally a few weeks ago she agreed to go to therapy.

 

So I made appointments with a therapist more than once and she has since cancelled with excuses. I recently told her that unless we can begin communicating this isn't going to work. It's not even about the sex anymore. It's about not being able to communicate period. It is clear I am the only one who is trying to save the relationship, . She has become emotionally abusive by stonewalling me, withholding sex, and my patience has run out. We had so many good things going for us before we began having problems, I am just beyond words how this happened.

 

She is a lot younger than I am emotionally. Like I said before, I grew up fast. Now i'm more of a homebody and have been told I am an old soul. She said the same for her when we first began going out. But she is young, somewhat impressionable, and has not been out into the real world yet. I know young minds change. She actually spoke and told me during our last fight that she didn't envision her life to be like this. I told her i'd be happy to take her out more, be more adventurous, etc. I mean no two people are completely compatible, i'd really like to work on making her happy. But until she agrees to begin seeing someone with me about our lack of communication and intimacy, I see no reason making changes alone. I've also tried that a bit in the past and still communication and intimacy remained broken.

 

Three days ago, we called the relationship off. She's still living with me, rent free. I feel completely depressed, devastated, frustrated, and angry that she never even tried to seek out professional help. She is stubborn to a fault. We had so many amazing times together, had such meaningful conversations, and for a long time the relationship was as perfect as I could have imagined it. Many times I have come running back to her after a brief break-up fight, being a weak man and apologizing to keep the peace although I knew I had nothing to be sorry for. I hate conflict. I think this time is different. I feel completely emasculated by this whole experience, and drained. I have not felt intimate love in so long. The last year has been a process of begging, negotiating, pleading, and asking for sexual intimacy and in return I got reluctant attempts at best, and eventually flat out refusals. I never thought the woman who used to pounce on me would become as cold as ice, annoyed at the fact I even bring it up.

 

Since our recent break up, I have begun diving back into some addictive behaviors that were problematic before we got together (gambling, paying webcam girls online, considering seeing a prostitute etc). I was completely faithful to her during the entire relationship even though I found more than a few instances of her keeping secrets from me about guys had who she was talking to (even late at night, and in one instance early on a guy talking dirty to her by email and her saying nothing to stop it). Trust has been broken. I am broken. Since I can no longer turn to drugs and alcohol, I see myself turning to other things to cope, and already have. I can't sleep, work, or eat well. I am suffering.

 

She's still living with me, she's says she's going to move out in 10 days but I think she will try to take longer. It is hell living in the same house with her. I feel like I can't cope and I am heartbroken and alone, most of my old friends are dead, in jail, or are still using. I was one of the few who made it out of the addiction cycle. I just need some advice and some other people right now. Part of me feels like going back to her and trying to make it work (our relationship at one time was so good), but I can't compromise anymore with my needs. I wonder sometimes if she's just testing me, she is incredibly stubborn and I wonder if I just hold my ground here, act strong, and don't come groveling back she will see I finally have some backbone and realize she's been unreasonable and needs to make some majors changes.

 

What do you guys think about all of this?

Edited November 23, 2014 by Cedar27

[StrongLass]

She's still living with me, rent free.

 

DON NOT let her stick around rent free. Since she is no longer your gf she is your roommate & as such should be paying for her half of utilities, rent, & food costs AT LEAST.

 

DO have a set deadline for her to move out of your house. Her unreasonable behavior & flirting w/ other men is causing you severe emotional distress in your own home, space that should be safe for you. That is toxic & needs to stop IMMEDIATELY.

 

Since our recent break up, I have begun diving back into some addictive behaviors that were problematic before we got together (gambling, paying webcam girls online, considering seeing a prostitute etc). I was completely faithful to her during the entire relationship even though I found more than a few instances of her keeping secrets from me about guys had who she was talking to (even late at night, and in one instance early on a guy talking dirty to her by email and her saying nothing to stop it). Trust has been broken. I am broken. Since I can no longer turn to drugs and alcohol, I see myself turning to other things to cope, and already have. I can't sleep, work, or eat well. I am suffering.

 

The fact that you are falling back into unhealthy addiction patterns because of all the negativity from the breakup means that her removal from your home & life should be all the more urgent. Also, she's been cheating on you emotionally w/ those other guys even if not physically. That is not in any way acceptable considering your own accommodations for her & your loyalty.

 

She's still living with me, she's says she's going to move out in 10 days but I think she will try to take longer. It is hell living in the same house with her.

 

NOPE! Have the police carry her out forcefully if you have to but DO NOT let her drag this sh*t out! You need safe space away from her to heal & at that point that should take precedence over her convenience.

 

I feel like I can't cope and I am heartbroken and alone, most of my old friends are dead, in jail, or are still using. I was one of the few who made it out of the addiction cycle. I just need some advice and some other people right now.

 

My heart breaks for you, truly. PM me if you need someone to speak to, seriously. However, you've beat drug addiction before which isn't easy so guess what? You are already STRONGER THAN THIS PROBLEM even if doesn't feel like it

 

Part of me feels like going back to her and trying to make it work (our relationship at one time was so good), but I can't compromise anymore with my needs. I wonder sometimes if she's just testing me, she is incredibly stubborn and I wonder if I just hold my ground here, act strong, and don't come groveling back she will see I finally have some backbone and realize she's been unreasonable and needs to make some majors changes.

 

Maybe she is just testing you, but considering how much pain you're in right now, would you REALLY want to resurrect this relationship knowing this could happen AGAIN AND AGAIN without warning?

 

What do you guys think about all of this?

 

She is being completely unreasonable no matter what her reasons are (if she even has any). She could have issues or just be a ****ty communicator on top of being cruel. Since you have no way of knowing any of that right now though don't worry about that part of things.

 

Focus on your safety & well being for now & if you feel like you're about to loose your grip on things you know where to log on

[Cedar27]

Stronglass,

 

Thank you for your support. I value your input more than you could ever imagine. I would send you a PM but because I am a new user I believe I need to wait a while until I can do that.

 

I agree with everything you said. I was thinking about checking in with my ex in a day or two to see how the apartment hunting was going, and to remind her that we agreed on ten days. I expect to hear a response similar to "I don't know if that's going to be enough time". I will have to just lay my foot down and say "tough, that's not my problem".

 

Part of me wants to give it a few days to see if she will eventually come around, part of me agrees with you when you asked if it would be worth resurrecting a relationship where this behavior is likely to happen again. I suppose I would only be willing to continue if she was to do a complete 180 and really show me that she is changing immediately and begin talking or seeing a therapist and opening up to me. I doubt that would happen.

 

I think she is being cruel and unfortunately my mind is in the past, holding her up on a false pedestal and remembering how good she used to treat me. When I get thoughts of laying down the law, I second-guess myself and wonder if I am the one being too cruel. Messed up isn't it? I know i'm not, she's the one who caused this. I have been beyond patient and sympathetic over the last year, as her behavior has gotten more and more destructive. It has run out.

 

I know I am enabling her current behavior by not being more firm. I'll begin making sure that she understands her presence here is a threat to my well being and my number one priority is to see that she leaves in a timely manner, no matter how hard it will be for me to put her stuff outside and change the locks.

 

Will try to PM soon when I get the rights from this site.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Cedar27

[Cedar27]

Just talked to her 5 minutes ago, it was the first time we actually spoke in the last day. I asked her if her apartment hunting was going well and she said she found a few places but hasn't actually gone out and seen any. I told her "remember the 10 days we agreed on?", and she said she may need some help with finding a place.

 

I told her "That isn't my problem. It is really hard for me right now to live in the same house as her, broken up. My emotional health is at risk. If you are not out in that time, i'm changing the locks and putting your stuff outside. I don't want to that but I have to do it".

 

Standing up to her like that felt so bad and so good at the same time I can't explain it. Part of just me just wants to tell her straight up "You know this can all be avoided if you just change your behavior and go to therapy?". But i've said that before, I don't need to repeat it. I can no longer beg, plead, and compromise. If she wants it, she'll come get it and she knows what to do.

 

Anyways, after I said that she just walked away. She looked mildly upset, kind of annoyed. I feel like she may just wait and see if I actually do change the locks and put her stuff outside. She has a TON of stuff. God i'm dreading the day….

[Zapbasket]

Cedar27,

 

First, I have to say that you sound like a true stand-up person. Not many people can say they broke the cycle of addiction; for most it takes a lifetime and look at you, not even 30 and established in a stable life, with your own business and home to boot. And on top of THAT, you so obviously are a very caring, level-headed person with great character. You sound totally awesome and any woman should feel so lucky to be with someone like you.

 

In light of this, PLEASE stick to your guns and change the locks / put her stuff out if the ten days are up and she hasn't moved out. No matter how much you care for her, right now she is a toxic presence in your life. I replied to your thread because I want to contribute a voice of support for your decision. You are not being cruel; you are loving YOU. Besides, it sounds like you have been incredibly patient and caring, soliciting communication at every turn and taking care to communicate yourself. SHE chose to behave in the way she has; now SHE must face the consequences.

 

Chin up. I can just imagine how hard this all is. But you have support here, and YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

[writergal]

Cedar27, I agree with everything Green Cove and Strong Lass have told you.

 

Your ex-girlfriend is a toxic presence in your life. It's unfortunate that this relationship didn't work out. And the fact that she stonewalls you everytime you've tried to reason with her, shows that she emotionally checked out of the relationship already.

 

I consider stonewalling a form of emotional abuse, used to manipulate. It's crazy-making behavior meant to negate the other person's feelings and undermine self-confidence so that the stonewaller can feel like they have power over the other person. Her lack of empathy for you and the status of your relationship is chilling.

 

The futility you feel is real. You cannot change a stonewaller into an empathetic person. Your ex-girlfriend has some serious communication problems if she uses stonewalling to get her way. So that emotional intimacy you think you had with her? It wasn't real. It was her way to emotionally manipulate you. Living with an emotionally abusive and manipulative person can be overwhelming and confusing. But they are THE WORST partners to have because they rarely change, even if you manage to drag them to couples therapy.

 

I've dated a few stonewallers myself and suffered the same way you have so I know exactly how difficult this has been for you, because I've been there too.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get your ex-girlfriend out of your house soon. Meanwhile, keep up your defenses, because stonewallers are psychological wolves in sheep's clothing. They never stop manipulating. It's as second nature to them as breathing.

 

Don't let her behavior continue to derail you back into addictive behaviors, as hard as that is for you. When you sense yourself wanting to online gamble or pay for porn or whatever addictive behaviors you've developed as coping mechanisms since your sobriety, call up an old sponsor if you have to. Go attend meetings. You sound like you have strong will power. Well, use it to protect yourself from your own addictive behaviors. Go sit in on a meditation class at a Buddhist center. Go for a walk. Go to a movie. Go hang out with a friend. Focus on your work. There are alternatives to addictive behaviors but it comes down to the choices you make.

 

But you have to get your ex-girlfriend out of your house. That is imperative.

[Cedar27]

Greencove,

 

I want to thank you for your kind words. I don't know if your response was a message from god, but right before I read it I was almost ready to wake my girlfriend up off the couch and beg for reconciliation. I knew if I did that i'd be throwing away all my needs, my standards, and my self worth. I have found friends on this site and I can't tell you how happy I am to have you all here. I will stick to my guns and pack up her belongings once the 10 days has been reached, even if I do it with anxiety in my chest with hands shaking. Your validation of my previous thoughts only raises my confidence. It lets me know that I can do this, and I am worth more than what I have been given.

 

Writergal,

 

Your words were also of great comfort to me. The fact that you shared your own stories about your previous experiences with stonewalling really helped me understand I am not alone in this. I was at first embarrassed admitting to my addictive nature, especially paying for online webcam sex. I was afraid that i'd have people judging my character without realizing I am an honest, good man. But you didn't judge me, you gave me sound advice. Thank you for recognizing my vulnerabilities in this moment and helping me. I am just trying to find intimacy in all the wrong ways right now to cope with my feelings of sadness and grief. Plus after being rejected for almost a year sexually it is an outlet I turned to in crisis. I will start the process of leaving that alone and getting back to a healthier me.

 

To everyone who has commented so far, you are all are a blessing in my life. I plan to keep updating this thread so you all can see how it turned out. Thanks again.

[Els]

Sorry to hear about that, OP. It's always difficult to cope when something/someone you have invested so much in is gone. In your case it sounds like you did everything you could to save the relationship, and she refused to participate. I think you dodged a bullet, and you will be better off without someone like that.

 

I agree with the others - give her an ultimatum to move out and stick to it. Get law enforcement involved if she refuses to leave. If she breaks up with you she waives all her rights to being supported by you (in any way) plus it must be difficult for you to heal when she's still around. You have to put yourself first now. If she has nowhere to live, that's her own problem to deal with.

 

Stay strong!

[Zapbasket]

HOLD YOUR GROUND! STAY STRONG! You are doing the RIGHT thing by taking care of YOU!

 

Remember: even if she finally "breaks down" and coughs up some communication under the duress of finding herself without a place to live, it doesn't negate what she inexplicably, cruelly put you through over these past months. Her behavior is NOT compatible with a healthy relationship, where people show up for each other and for the relationship CONSISTENTLY, not under threat of homelessness, or being abandoned. You gave this your all; you gave her plenty of chances. Who knows what the future holds but for now the important thing is what is good for you NOW, and that is removing her from your living space and re-routing the addictive behaviors you've fallen back upon to cope.

[jphcbpa]

the next phase of your recovery is to take a look at your sex and love addiction crutch. I suggest SLAA

[Cedar27]

Thank you everyone. Right now I am just trying to get through the day without doing anything destructive. I fear that throwing all of her stuff out and changing the locks is a dramatic way to handle things and I wonder if she would just feed on that. At the same time, I see no other way to handle the situation if she still hasn't found a place by then. Living with her now is a nightmare. I can't imagine how much longer I can take.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Cedar27

[andilyn1]

I don't feel that putting her things outside and changing the locks after 10 days is dramatic. Whether or not she feeds on that is her problem. You have really no other choice if she doesn't leave by then. It ultimately is her fault if it comes down to you having to do that, because she is well aware of the 10 day deadline. And I kinda have a feeling that if you don't take drastic measures, then she will drag her feet and stay in your home for who knows how long. And you can't have that. It's destroying you. And rightly so. I'm going through so much heartbreak myself right now, and if my ex was still in the home, it would kill me. But right now it's time to be selfish. Time to make healthy decisions that will help you, and make you comfortable. You shouldn't have to feel so miserable in your own environment. Getting her out is crucial at this point. It absolutely killed me when I made my ex leave, but I had to do it. I had to focus on me, and as much as it hurt, and for as much as I love him, I no longer could put his needs ahead of mine. It's so hard to get selfish and not worry about what will happen with our exes. But it's a necessary part of recovery and healing. The only advice I can give you is stay strong. Focus on you! You come first!

[kolleamm]

Wow this is amazing! Very similar to my experiences with that emotionally unavailable compulsive texter I called a girlfriend.

 

All I can say is do everything in your power to get away from her, and take all the sweet memories in your mind and delete them.

 

When I was with the texter I felt I was being used and she would be just as emotionally unavailable as the girl your speaking of.

 

I began feeling emasculated too but guess what your still a man. You won't lose that. Go out and have fun with other women or friends. Constantly remind her she needs to move out and that you are no longer her support in any possible way.

 

Throw away anything meaningful she may have given you.

 

Life's too short for this bitch.

 

I'm sorry to hear you lost 2 years with her. You have to get back up and start over again. That's where being a man comes in.

[LottaLover]

First let me start off by saying ITS NOT YOU, your not crazy and your not over thinking things. Although my current situation is not exactly like yours I feel every emotion and heart break your feeling.

I keep thinking what did i do wrong? did i not love him enough did i not do enough and every single time i answer myself i know the answer. I really am too good for him and you have to keep making yourself realize that as well. Your whole story, everything you typed you already know your own answers. She probably is seeing someone else, she is making excuses and using you and no matter how many times you tell her "all you have to do is go get help with me" it wont matter, if she wants to work things out if she really wanted to make things work out she would come to you and tell you "ok lets try this out i want to make it work".

You cant keep being the only one who wants to fight to keep it together it will only bring you down more. Your on the right track right now... its soooo much more eaiser said than done i know TRUST ME i know, but keep it together and let her leave. If its meant to be it will be, dont force it you will #1 push her away even more and #2 drive yourself even more crazy. I'm 30 so I can tell you, were both still young! may not seem like it lol but we are, we have so much more of life to live so let the hurt hurt for now and in time it will get better.

I need to take my own advice, and im trying.... hang in there, im right there with you its not easy I know, I'm feeling everything your going thru I even turned to people i used to date to take me out and it didnt help one bit I'm not ready, we both will be one day but not now.

[Cedar27]

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented. I read each of your comments and all of you has says something that has resonated with me. I would write each of you back individually but right now I can barely even write this.

 

It hit me hard today. I had a horrible nightmare and woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I ended up finally going back to bed only to wake up right before the sun is going down. I saw my ex briefly as she came home from work, she seems happy. She was changing into some new clothes, looked like she was prepping herself for a night out. I don't know.

 

I am shaking today. My hands are literally shaking. I feel completely overwhelmed like at any minute i'm going to go crazy, literally. I have tried talking to other women online, tried porn, tried all of the things that could temporarily distract me and they don't work. I just want everything back to the way it was a year ago. I'm extremely depressed, I don't even feel comfortable in my own house. I have to leave every day and spend all day out.

 

I miss her so much, I am so angry at how a person who once promised she would never leave is now doing just that. I feel so alone, abandoned and hurt. How is it that I am the one staying up until 5AM waking up from night terrors, almost unable to function and this same woman who just 3 months ago was talking about marriage with me is almost skipping around like nothing happened. I want to call her, talk to her, tell her how I feel inside and how I really want things to work out. I am white knuckling it every day trying to keep myself from running back to her, crying and asking her to take me back. She HAS to be hurting. I often wonder if she is just being stubborn, unwilling to concede defeat (she sees this as a war she has to win), and she will finally say sorry when it becomes too much for her. The only problem is she is a LOT more tough than me. She can deal with stress well. I will be the one to break.

 

I had a friend offer to take me out tonight. I don't even know if it's physically possible. I barely made it out of the house today to go to my parents place (which I have been going to daily). My legs feel so weak I can barely move, I am having a hard time breathing, I feel like I may need to go to the hospital. My life has become a nightmare everyday and it won't stop. I can't deal with any of this. I think within a few days she may not be ready to leave although we agreed on it. I'm going to have to drink, take a pill, or remove myself from the situation and hire someone else to remove her belongings. I literally cannot handle the stress

 

I used to suffer from crippling panic attacks nearly every day. They have since stopped for the last two years. I feel like I am on the verge of one.

 

I think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Cedar27

[lindsay91313]

I feel for you so much, I really do. I'm going through an almost identical situation, with the stonewalling and whatnot. I guess my now ex husband likes to take advantage of me when I let my guard down and then completely turns it around on me when I express my confused feelings. It absolutely sucks wondering how someone who used to put you on a pedestal and tell anyone who would listen how in love they are, can just shut you out with no rhyme or reason.

 

I know you are going through absolute hell, but please, just keep going. You're doing the right thing by venting in a safe place rather than lashing out or turning to something that used to destroy you. I am also recovering from alcohol abuse and at times like this it feels like slipping back into those old habits outweigh feeling like human garbage.

 

I know that you wonder what she's feeling, and the thought of letting go is extremely painful, but things would never be even remotely the same as they once were. Keep fighting the good fight! You've got this.

[Cedar27]

I feel for you so much, I really do. I'm going through an almost identical situation, with the stonewalling and whatnot. I guess my now ex husband likes to take advantage of me when I let my guard down and then completely turns it around on me when I express my confused feelings. It absolutely sucks wondering how someone who used to put you on a pedestal and tell anyone who would listen how in love they are, can just shut you out with no rhyme or reason.

 

I know you are going through absolute hell, but please, just keep going. You're doing the right thing by venting in a safe place rather than lashing out or turning to something that used to destroy you. I am also recovering from alcohol abuse and at times like this it feels like slipping back into those old habits outweigh feeling like human garbage.

 

I know that you wonder what she's feeling, and the thought of letting go is extremely painful, but things would never be even remotely the same as they once were. Keep fighting the good fight! You've got this.

 

I feel for you, as you are going through a similar situation. Especially with the past addiction. Every day is such a challenge not to dive back in, but I can't and I won't do that. It is very hard to deal with the change in personality. Someone who used to come to my rescue in crisis is now the one causing the crisis. There is a lack of sympathy and cruelness in her now that I never thought i'd see. It makes me lose trust in humanity. I would NEVER do the types of things she is doing to someone else. I wonder if this is all some sick game with her. A test. I don't know. I'm trying to take things one minute at a time right now...

[Gloria25]

Maybe you can get in contact with someone to be your sponsor? I mean, I think it's good that you come here and post, but if I'm correct, can't you call sponsors like at anytime to stop yourself from doing something "addictive"?

 

I also recommend you stay busy. Work out a lot. Physical exertion is good to get you tired, relieve stress, and put positive endorphins in your body. Volunteer. Get involved in group sports. Pick up a new hobby. That will also keep you busy, out of the house, and socializing with people.

 

Sex addiction? I don't know, I don't believe in that. I believe men seek approval, affection, and physical release from sex with their women. In your situation, you are getting slapped upside your face cuz the woman you thought you loved and loved you telling you "I am no longer approving you, giving you affection etc" by not having sex with you...especially when she's living rent free at your place.

So, I see where you are seeking that approval, affection, and release from other women. I just worry about you getting yourself exposed to STDs, losing money, and other risky behavior to quench your thirst. Hopefully by working out, you can work out all that pent up energy.

 

About the break up. Yes, it is hard. When you spend time with someone, it's hard to let go to the connection, good times, etc. So, regardless of the addictions, her being there and all that - you have to get used to being on your own again. But again, there's no cure for that, the only thing you can do is stay busy. The more idle time you have, the more harder it will be for you to move on. Eventually, you'll get your groove back.

 

I also wonder if you replaced your "addictions" with your "ex to be" - is why you are hurting so bad. I've heard people in 12 step programs are told not to date like a year or so while in recovery - so that they don't replace the addiction with a person.

 

Good luck, stay strong, stay busy, and just remember some things have to be "endured". This shall pass.

[Cedar27]

Thank you gloria for your comments.

 

A bit of background: I recovered from drug and alcohol addiction in a non 12-step environment. AA can work well for some, but can be detrimental to others. So I really wouldn't have any sponsor to call since I do not participate in that program. I also didn't begin dating my current ex until after I had 3 years under my belt free of alcohol and drug abuse.

 

However I do have a therapist and she has been great in all of this. I don't have a lot of fears about going back to drugs and alcohol, they simply don't work for me anymore and I find the idea of using just incompatible with my new self. I am however more fearful of other "non substance" addictions like porn, which remain problematic. It's kind of an acceptable crutch i've created for myself. Although I am finding myself not using them as much as before, even in times of crisis. So that's good. In addition, I see your point in that maybe i'm classifying them as an addiction when all I am simply doing is searching for intimacy since i've been without it for so long. Not only that, being constantly rejected physically over the last year has been draining and I finally feel like I have the shackles off and am free to express myself sexually with other women. I just need to keep a tight lid on it, and yes prostitutes are probably something I should steer clear from due to the risks.

 

 

You are correct in that I need to stop obsessing about all of this and pick up some activities to help me get out and start enjoying life again. I am wallowing in self pity and need to reach out to those who I can lean on. Perhaps I will go out with my friend tonight. I feel horrible, but I can't just sit here obsessing. I also find the feelings of depression come in waves, and they are most powerful after actually seeing my ex in front of me when I am at home. Hence, why I have to spend all day out of there

Edited November 25, 2014 by Cedar27

[StrongLass]

Even if you don't "feel" like going out with a friend/s you probably should just to get away & it's good you seem to be realizing that.

 

After all, you know full well that a fair number of the things you "feel like" doing during your various moods during this tumultuous time for you aren't things you should actually do (pleading w/ your ex, feeding poor habits, etc.)

 

Go on! Of course you're not going to be over the moon but at least going out can get you some fresh air with safe company & keep reminding yourself that this is the 'Final Countdown' till you can breathe easier.

[kolleamm]

Cedar please stop talking to women online they will destroy your self esteem and make you feel like a worthless piece of crap it's not worth it trust me. Go meet women in real life if possible but stay away from online women at all costs, there's a reason their obline remember that. I speak from experience, I can attract beautiful women in real life but nothing online so each time I try online dating it ruins me big time.

 

Anyways if it makes you feel better I suffered from panic attacks to but they went away for good one day, how? I faced my feats head on, those fears were things such as going for a walk outside and crossing the street, these were the after effects of issue that affected me physiologically but it only made me stronger. Face your fears and don't let anyone make you feel worthless.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out with this girl but look at it this way, your out there trying at least to be with someone. We're men, we never give up no matter what remember that. No matter what we stand. She has no power over you, you control your life.

 

You don't need her and you will meet other women believe me, and this time you'll know what to watch out for because you'll be much wiser. I consider all if my failed relationships learning examples, they are lessons that help us understand the world and women better. Hopefully that will give you a positive outlook on things. As for the panic attacks, in my opinion don't sweat it too much they come and go and can be controlled.

[LottaLover]

Email me if you need to talk! [email protected]

[Jenmarie]

I could of wrote this same post a few years ago. I met a guy online, and fell in love. Hard. It was really unexpected and caught me offguard. It actually kind of scared me a bit, because how often does this really happen? I ended up meeting him for the first time after 7 months of talking online, and everything was perfect. I felt what we had was magical, something out of a Nicholas Sparks movie. And it wasn't just the honeymoon phase, the excitment wore off and turned into a calming happiness. Things started to change after a year and a half of being with each other in person. All of a sudden, he wasn't interested in things as much as he used to be. I tried to talk about it, and he seemed exhausted from the conversation even though I hardly brought it up. It was something that needed to be discussed, he just didn't want to.

 

I felt like I was the only one trying to save the relationship as well. It made me feel so alone. Depressed, unwanted. Just the fact he didn't want to communicate with me when he was supposed to be my best friend, my partner was just... heartbreaking for me. After everything we been through, like taking a huge step meeting in person and staying together. It got to the point where I didn't feel loved at all and I longed for that. He was just emotionally unavailable. And I kept looking back on the 2 1/2 years I spent with him before, asking what happened, where did it go wrong, etc. It didn't even feel real. He was all I was used to, and then all of a sudden, it was over. It was like being with a completely different person. This was a couple years ago, I'm 24 now.

 

I can really relate. I had a dark past as well that forced me to mature emotionally faster. Instead of focusing on addictive behaviors, maybe you just need someone to take your mind off of things. (That is what helped me). Not necessarily another romantic interest, but just someone to help you get through it and someone who can relate to your experience. We can always talk if you're open to it. I can talk to you anytime.

[EuTuBrute]

It seems to happen to everyone on here. Seemly perfect relationship...Then BOOM

 

I really don't get it. My relationship was savable. When i tried to communicate the problems they would fall on def ears

 

Some people would rather run than save something.

 

Its the problem with today's generation. There is always a new shiny toy around the corner, when the toy you had was a perfectly good one.

[kolleamm]

So Cedar what happened?