dating after a breakup and how this might affect us

[irresolute]

Hello guys,

 

Ive had my first 2 dates with a new guy this week, and it was my first attempt to date after being 1 month strict no contact and almost 7 months since I last met him. Wow!

 

Date went well but Im not Ok. Kissing the new guy brought old memories and I spent all day yesterday sobbing uncontrollable. Now im regreting blocking my ex and thinking Ill never be ok again, and that he was the one for me (even though he only wanted sex with me and with other women at the same time...but anyway, I just seem to not understand how he was and I still have him on a pedestal)

So, im now scared all my hard work of 1 month will be a set back after this 2 dates with new guy. Someone can relate to this?

Also, anyone that suffered the same and now is ok with another partner?

Also, someone who thought will never forget ex is now super happy and forgot them indeed?

 

I need good stories I feel like I'll never be ok again after J.

[newmoon]

yeah, i can relate. i went on my first date about 2 months after my break-up and the date went well, but made me feel miserable for days. i was comparing the new guy to the old bf, it's normal. and even now, almost 1.5 years later i still think of the old bf and do some comparisons. but, the difference is that when you get farther away from the relationship you do concentrate more on the bad and realize how you were treated poorly. just 2 or 3 months out you're still remembering the good stuff and living in happy memories of your time together. just stay with NC, the farther away from the relationship you get the easier it'll become to just let that person go, and the happy memories do diminish to the point where another person looks much better.

[SoThatHappened]

One month NC after getting hurt as bad as you did is not long enough. It's sad that you're at this point 7 months after breaking up. If you would have gone NC immediately, you'd probably be ready to date again.

 

Be honest with the guy you're seeing, or at least take things very slow. I recommend doing absolutely nothing with anyone until you're ready.

 

I went on dates with a beautiful, intelligent, fun girl only 2 weeks after getting my heart ripped out. This girl could tell there was something wrong with me and she called it off. If I was healed from the breakup, things would have definitely been different.

 

If you're dating while still hurt, you'll likely hurt the person you're seeing or even get rejected by them because there's no spark.

 

It's crazy that you're still this affected by a d-bag you hardly spent much time with.

 

You need more self-reflection than anything. I'm pulling for ya.

[evanescentworld]

1 month - you're kidding me....

 

There's a member on here who has stated that if he starts dating a girl and discovers she's fewer than 6 months out of a LTR, he would walk away.

 

We girls tend to get attached, and that sticks.

I think you need to give yourself a w-h-o-l-e lot longer to get over your ex, before you even think of dipping your toes in the dating pool again, and yeah, 6 months sounds about right.

 

No guy wants to be the rebound, and that's who your date was last night.

And that is really unfair, on the pair of you.

[Invictus01]

Please don't string a guy along for months and create an illusion of a great relationship and then walk away after you realize it really isn't and you aren't really in it. From the guy's point or view, it is completely miserable in the end... Going through this right now...

[mammasita]

It's too soon. I remeber asking in your other thread if you were ready to date....IMHO, I don't think you are....although it may be ok to go through the motions and look (I did and it helped a little) but you're not ready, and neither was I at 1 month out....or even 3 months out.

 

It took me over a year from the day my ex dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and then a good 8 months from the day I finally went NC (with some eff ups in there) to become indifferent towards him and meet someone I felt something with. I've been with that someone just over a year now.

 

It will happen. I promise.

[irresolute]

I bet I was not ready! I thought so, though, since I was excited to meet him. It was the kiss, I think. Its like I cant have physical contact with another man because all remembers me of J.

 

Ive tried so many times to go no contact with him...i never thought it will be so difficult to move on and let go. Never ever. I opened myself to this man without knowing the consequences, and now Im stucked in limbo, without other choice than to wait some time I'll forget about him. Until that time, I'll just have to try to continue with my life without him and without meeting other guys because look what happened after 2 innocent dates! Crap I hate this.

[SoThatHappened]

OK, maybe I can help you out a little here. It's helped me a lot to imagine these things:

 

- You're going to eventually meet the right guy, likely get married, and likely have children.

- You're going to be a mom and wife, eventually.

- You're going to have ups and downs in your marriage, with your kids, at your job, and just with life in general.

- You're going to watch your kids grow up and watch your partner grow old along with you.

- Eventually, the kids will be out of the house, you'll be retired, and spending your golden years with your partner traveling because you weren't able to when you had kids.

- You'll go to funerals, weddings, many holidays, etc.

 

Imagine sipping some wine in Cancun with your 65-year-old husband, watching a sunset...

 

You probably won't even be able to remember this little blip in your life.

 

That's all this is right now; a speed bump. You have so much life to live. Start living it by closing this chapter. It's been too long after such a short relationship for you to still be at this level of healing.

[RedButton]

irresolute, how much do you like this new guy? If you think he's great and you'd like to keep seeing him, I think it's worth being honest about everything. tell him that you'd like to see him again, but that you've been hurt and you want to take things slow. If he's a good bloke he'll understand and be respectful. He might be someone that can indirectly help you get over things?

 

On the other hand, if you feel he's a rebound or you really can't bear dating right now, you should tell him that too.

 

I hope I'm not giving you bad advice, but that honesty is what I would want and appreciate if I were in his shoes (and also what I would do if the situation was reversed).

[Leroy82]

irresolute, how much do you like this new guy? If you think he's great and you'd like to keep seeing him, I think it's worth being honest about everything. tell him that you'd like to see him again, but that you've been hurt and you want to take things slow. If he's a good bloke he'll understand and be respectful. He might be someone that can indirectly help you get over things?

 

On the other hand, if you feel he's a rebound or you really can't bear dating right now, you should tell him that too.

 

I hope I'm not giving you bad advice, but that honesty is what I would want and appreciate if I were in his shoes (and also what I would do if the situation was reversed).

 

I'm sorry I don't think that's good advice. She's not sure of her feelings. How does she know if he's rebound guy or not when she is that vulnerable? I'm sure she thinks he's a great guy. But, its not fair to him nor her. If you're having panic attacks and crying and thinking of your ex and comparing everyone to your ex, then you're not ready. And there is nothing wrong with that. It takes time to get over someone.

 

My ex did just that to me. She gave the "not ready" "I just ended a relationship, but I really like you and hope we can go slow". And I stayed with her and went "slow". Let me tell you, its a lonely feeling, dating someone who's not emotionality at the same place you are. I knew she wasn't over someone but I stayed with her because I thought she would come around. The heart doesn't work that way. I deserve to be with someone who gets happy when they think of me. And I want someone who's heart is fully into me. Not into someone else. I'm sure this guy deserves the same.

 

She needs to be single for now (my opinion). Why would you want to date someone who's not over an ex? That's not fair to him.

 

@irresolute Pain is temporary. It will get better. You're not alone in this. We've all been hurt. You just have to work on yourself and you'll be a much stronger person in the end.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Leroy82

[irresolute]

I was, too, a rebound with J. He stringed me along while he was waiting for another woman to decide whether she wanted to be with him or not. And not onyl that, I was a rebound from his ex-wife, who cheated on him repeatedly to finally dump him and who doesn't want the son they have in common, so J has the full custody now without any help. and not only that, I was an option, because while he was waiting for the woman he was in love with, he was having sex with other women besides me.

 

I know how it feels to be a rebound, you don't have to be worried about new guy. New guy knows perfectly how difficult my relationship with J was, and he knows perfectly I'm still struggling with this.

 

I know how it feels to be an option to the man one loves. To want to be with him, but can't because he is pursuing other women, or because the woman he was in love with decided to give him a breadcrumb. He was a doormat for her. I was a doormat for him. And my ex husband was a doormat for me. I perfectly know how it feels, so please, stop giving me advice on how not to "use" new guy, because I'll probably much more aware than any of you how it feels to be a rebound.

 

New guy and I are innocently emailing. No prospect for a third date. No nothing. He is a very private person, a very shy person. I guess he was been hurt in the past as well. We are just keeping us company, no plans or whatever. I'm not using anyone.

 

Now, I thank you those who gave me some feedback and told me their stories. I'm hopeful some day I'll be over all this crappy situation. What I don;t know is when. I surely don;t wanna be one of those women who are still attached to an ex after 10 or more years, without opening themselves to other experiences. I do not wanna be one of those. I refuse to be one of those.

[Leroy82]

"so please, stop giving me advice on how not to "use new guy"

 

You're the one who brought him up. We're just commenting on what your posting. What do you think this blog is for? Do you want people to say what you want to hear?

[irresolute]

"so please, stop giving me advice on how not to "use new guy"

 

You're the one who brought him up. We're just commenting on what your posting. What do you think this blog is for? Do you want people to say what you want to hear?

 

I never asked advice about new guy. I have other thread posted in "dating" for that purpose. I invite you to read it if you feel compelled to.

 

In this thread I asked advice about my previous breakup, how to cope with the fact we might start dating again, and what consequences might bring to US.

[jphcbpa]

There is not time line for healing. Take time for yourself...in fact, take the rest of the year off and see how you feel in Jan 1 2015.

 

Really dig into why it is so difficult to move on from a guy who does not want you and was not faithful (from what I read). The healing is in the questions and the answers will come over time. Give yourself a break. There is not rush Take care of you, have fun, learn, grow..your future partner will thank you for the work you do on yourself during this time off.

 

It took me 9 months of strict NC from day 1 to be ready for dating. I am just now, 11 months on, in a great place in my life. It took time, lots of work, prayers and tears.

Edited November 19, 2014 by jphcbpa

[irresolute]

There is not time line for healing. Take time for yourself...in fact, take the rest of the year off and see how you feel in Jan 1 2015.

 

Really dig into why it is so difficult to move on from a guy who does not want you and was not faithful (from what I read). The healing is in the questions and the answers will come over time. Give yourself a break. There is not rush Take care of you, have fun, learn, grow..your future partner will thank you for the work you do on yourself during this time off.

 

I appreciate very much this, jphcbpa (Wow what a nickname! what does it mean?) I was rushed to start something new because this worked in the past for me to get over someone (I met my ex husband this way, and we lasted a looong time together), but obviously I'm not ready. I'm struggling right now, I want to stalk J, ugh. I have this urges, horrible, horrible urges.

[SoThatHappened]

Just curious, how long is a long time to you (where you mentioned your ex husband)?

 

Also, DON'T STALK JOHNNY! Don't do it... I'll find you if you do!

[jphcbpa]

I appreciate very much this, jphcbpa (Wow what a nickname! what does it mean?) I was rushed to start something new because this worked in the past for me to get over someone (I met my ex husband this way, and we lasted a looong time together), but obviously I'm not ready. I'm struggling right now, I want to stalk J, ugh. I have this urges, horrible, horrible urges.

 

initials, company I once worked for a state lived in (old aol handle..haha).

 

So....let this moment be a sign post in your recovery. It is CLEAR that you need time. Take all that you need.

 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"

 

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.” ~ Douglas Coupland

[candie13]

we seem to be doing the same road, irresolute. Been reading your posts... I think you're doing pretty well .

 

Here's my explanation: when you date a new bloke man, especially if you like him... it's a traumatizing experience, because you're still hung unto your ex. Going out with a new guy is, in a way, trying to replace him, in your heart. It means you'd have to let go of your ex... and is frightening. Because while your ex has hurt you, he is not with you anymore. But your date... is there. And you are with all your defenses down, girl.

 

Be careful, be extra careful. Take your time and do whatever you feel it's doing you good. If it's staying at home, stay at home. If it's dating aimlessly, go date. If it's going out with the girls and forgetting men ever existed on this planet, go ahead, forgive and forget.

 

Just put yourself first and you'll be fine !

[Leroy82]

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, or giving back what you feel you deserve it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt you for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. And you will love stronger and appreciate that person who really wants to be with you.

[irresolute]

Just curious, how long is a long time to you (where you mentioned your ex husband)?

 

Also, DON'T STALK JOHNNY! Don't do it... I'll find you if you do!

 

Many, many years...

 

Not stalking J for now. Doing a little bit better today. New guy is as irresolute as I am so I guess no more dates with him for now.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No matter what though, maintain no contact and no stalking or you'll never get past that and be able to have a happy good relationship, ever.

[irresolute]

Dear all,

 

I dont know how many days of no contact....meh. more than 1 month i think.

 

Im missing him terrible. Good God. Im missing how he made me feel he was the love

 

Im chatting with this new guy and we ve already have 2 dates and now he wants to see me in a more private place, he said. What...I dont even know how to proceed now. We've met twice and we email daily. He is cute and he likes me. Im not sure what to do. He wants sex now.

[jackinthebox1]

Iv been broken up for 4 weeks. First 2 weeks i took some time out.

The last two weeks iv been on 4 dates, slept with two amazing women and just been having the time of my life, same as i was before my relationship.

 

You are clinging on to some idealistic vision of your ex as though he is the only person good enough when he is the one person who broke your heart, so that logically makes no sense.

 

If you dont like this guy then move on but the only person stopping yourself moving on is you. Your ex is an imperfect human, who walked out on you.

There are LOADS of better people you just have to pick yourself up n get on with it. You dont even have to date, but stop focusing on your ex

[loversquarrel]

It's ok, you found out that you just aren't emotionally there yet. You fell apart after only two dates and your mind is clearly on your ex. It's ok to tell the new guy you have to put things on hold, if he's got good character he won't mind. Give yourself a little more time. I know first hand that if you try to start something new when the pain hasn't subsided, it will get in the way and prolong your recovery.

[irresolute]

Iv been broken up for 4 weeks. First 2 weeks i took some time out.

The last two weeks iv been on 4 dates, slept with two amazing women and just been having the time of my life, same as i was before my relationship.

 

You are clinging on to some idealistic vision of your ex as though he is the only person good enough when he is the one person who broke your heart, so that logically makes no sense.

 

If you dont like this guy then move on but the only person stopping yourself moving on is you. Your ex is an imperfect human, who walked out on you.

There are LOADS of better people you just have to pick yourself up n get on with it. You dont even have to date, but stop focusing on your ex

 

Really? Wow congratulations on your recovery. You shouldnt be here posting in breakups then. This kind of posts amaze me, honestly, because Ive seen people struggling for monnths, years! Like me, for example.