iPhone Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I was with a girl for four years, engaged for three. One night she tells me she lost the emotional connection. Just like that, she and I broke up. A few days later she moved in with a creepy male coworker who we both had only known for about a month and a half. I begged, pleaded. Made every mistake for a few days until the gravity of it hit me and I cut her off. I spoke to her a few months later and she reveals the guy is violent and she's afraid he will hit her. I warned her it would escalate but she wouldn't leave him. I was right, and he ended up choking her during a fight not too long after. She called me crying and I met up with her. She wouldn't break up with him still, but said if he does it again she will. I shook my head in disbelief and went back to no contact. This was about 5 months ago. I started dating my current girlfriend right around that point. Things have been going well. I still care about my ex though. A traumatic event occurred recently to a mutual friend of my ex and I. I reached out to her and said I was sorry for her loss. It was sad. Anyways she wanted to meet up and discuss it. So we did. She tells me her bf did indeed hit her again and has a drug addiction. I once again shook my head. This was three weeks ago. Maybe a day later though, she broke up with him. She apologized for everything and how she treated me with the whole breakup and everything. She wants to try and see if we can make something happen again. I forgave her a while ago though, because I made many mistakes in the relationship. The point is that sometimes they do come back. But it tends to happen when you are in a completely different point in your life mentally. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes sometimes they do come back when they realize the grass isn't really greener, and they want to get you back off the back burner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Just think if you would have been in NC and not have her asking to get back together. Then you won't be dealing with this now. I hope you are not even entertaining the idea of reconciling with someone who: - Leaves you out of the blue (likely was cheating) - Moves in with a violent co-worker - Says she won't breakup with him unless he beats her a 2nd time - Uses you as a backup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes they sometimes do come back but not necessarily for the right reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackinthebox1 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 In my experience, every ex girlfriend, that i was at least with for a few months came back at some point. My one ex took 10 years and i of course had no intrest in her then. The problem is that unless you resolve it quickly and it was a minor spat, it tends to not work. Although my best friend is married and his wife broke it off 3 times in the beginning because she just wasnt ready coming through a divorce. But when he finally accepted it and left......they got together. You are the most important person here, dont forget that Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I was with a girl for four years, engaged for three. One night she tells me she lost the emotional connection. Just like that, she and I broke up. A few days later she moved in with a creepy male coworker who we both had only known for about a month and a half. I begged, pleaded. Made every mistake for a few days until the gravity of it hit me and I cut her off. I spoke to her a few months later and she reveals the guy is violent and she's afraid he will hit her. I warned her it would escalate but she wouldn't leave him. I was right, and he ended up choking her during a fight not too long after. She called me crying and I met up with her. She wouldn't break up with him still, but said if he does it again she will. I shook my head in disbelief and went back to no contact. This was about 5 months ago. I started dating my current girlfriend right around that point. Things have been going well. I still care about my ex though. A traumatic event occurred recently to a mutual friend of my ex and I. I reached out to her and said I was sorry for her loss. It was sad. Anyways she wanted to meet up and discuss it. So we did. She tells me her bf did indeed hit her again and has a drug addiction. I once again shook my head. This was three weeks ago. Maybe a day later though, she broke up with him. She apologized for everything and how she treated me with the whole breakup and everything. She wants to try and see if we can make something happen again. I forgave her a while ago though, because I made many mistakes in the relationship. The point is that sometimes they do come back. But it tends to happen when you are in a completely different point in your life mentally. Several thing stick out to me: 1. You were a back burner. She wanted something different than you and it backfired. Now she wants whats comfortable. As soon as its comfortable again, she'll get that itch again. You dont leave someone you've been with for four years on a whim. She got abused (which is very sad dont get me wrong) and now you're the safe bet. 2.Together four years and engaged for three?!? Pull the trigger on marriage pretty quick yeah? Why didn't you guys get married in those three years? 3. If you still have feelings and are still actively talking, you shouldn't be dating. Not fair to your new girl. I REALLY hope you aren't back with her. Again yeah sure she came back....for the worst reasons and had nothing to do with love. I'm not trying to pick on you, but this isnt the best example of "coming back" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 They never come back to you for the right reasons. Their offer to reconcile is a like a powerful desert mirage that appeals to your senses, since you've been starved of their presence in your life for so long. But they're just selfishly motivated. It's about them. Not you. Never you. Don't fall for it OP. As Thoreau said, "never look back unless you plan to go that way." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iPhone Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Thank you all. The logical part of my brain agrees with you all unequivocally. The complicated parts are that her son from a previous relationship calls me his dad. I'm all he ever knew. I haven't seen him in 8 months but he still asks her where I am. We broke up because for two years she told me I wasn't trying to fill the step father role. To that there is no doubt. Not only was I not filling it, but I was actually being cold towards him. And towards her in regards to him. She warned me time and time again if I didn't change she would leave. But I told myself she never would. Well, she finally did. Things have changed though. I am more ready for that role than I used to be. But I don't want to find out I'm wrong and at that point lose everything. I do love my current girlfriend, she's beautiful and kind and I miss her when I'm not with her. It's just that I miss the kid and I still care about my ex. We often like to blame the exes for screwing us over. But in my situation, I was warned and given every opportunity to change but didn't. So it's not so simple what to decide these days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You don't take her back of course. A human being is not a car which you use it, throw it for a better car, and then regret and take the old car back until you find another better car. If someone wants you, she should be madly in love with you. Never settle for less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I think more often than not they DO come back. Mine did literally the SECOND I made the mental decision I wanted to pursue something with my current BF......It's been over one year strong this Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 iphone, treat the breakup like a divorce. You can still have the privileges of a divorced step-dad, if you want to remain in the life of your ex's son especially since you were the only father-figure role model he knew. Does that mean you have to reconcile with your ex and get back together with her? No. You can stay in your current relationship but set new parameters with your ex, if you want to reconnect with her son as his step-dad, and remain on friendly, platonic terms with your ex (which will require you to reinforce those boundaries repeatedly). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 what do you want to do Iphone? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) Thank you all. The logical part of my brain agrees with you all unequivocally. The complicatewouldn't are that her son from a previous relationship calls me his dad. I'm all he ever knew. I haven't seen him in 8 months but he still asks her where I am. We broke up because for two years she told me I wasn't trying to fill the step father role. To that there is no doubt. Not only was I not filling it, but I was actually being cold towards him. And towards her in regards to him. She warned me time and time again if I didn't change she would leave. But I told myself she never would. Well, she finally did. Things have changed though. I am more ready for that role than I used to be. But I don't want to find out I'm wrong and at that point lose everything. I do love my current girlfriend, she's beautiful and kind and I miss her when I'm not with her. It's just that I miss the kid and I still care about my ex. We often like to blame the exes for screwing us over. But in my situation, I was warned and given every opportunity to change but didn't. So it's not so simple what to decide these days. 1st- You need to break it off with new girl. Not fair at all.... If you "loved" her like you say, then this whole thing wouldnt be an issue. People throw the word love around too much. 2nd- It would be an AWFUL decision to take her back, but it's your life to live.He habits says she wont change, you'll always be back up option (I promise you she will do it again) and you will be right back to square one. Why risk that? You are only one thinking about this because she was the one who left. Its all ego. This isnt some bid on EBay. These are f***ing people. You can care about someone and not be with them. Edited October 30, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 they always come back, but you can never go back to the way things where. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JunkYardDog Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Ex's are just like taking a dump, once it's out it's not supposed to go back in. Believe me, been there, done that and ended up literally beaten down mentally, emotionally, sexually and the kicker....physically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iPhone Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes you all speak the truth. This is a very simple choice to make. There is no going back. I accept all your advice and agree. Can only ever move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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