Long Distance Relationship Breaks Up Suddenly

[jakeshin]

Hello Everyone,

 

Just looking for thoughts on a difficult break-up I just went through. Girlfriend and I had been dating for just over two years when it was time for her to go away to graduate school in another country. Great relationship. Emotional and intellectual synergy to a high degree. Rarely any arguments. Genuinely happy together, and I'm not just saying that from my angle. Had spoken a few times about a future together. Both very rational, as well as ambitious, people.

 

Altogether the trip to visit was about five hours (2 hours flying, 2 hours train, local transit both ends). We agreed we would make the relationship work, though we are both fairly pragmatic and realized there would be challenges. We were about six weeks into the semester, and I had gone and visited once already near the beginning of that period, when she called me in tears saying that she felt overwhelmed by school and that the relationship was competing with her dedicating herself to her studies, her work, and several co-curriculars she had committed herself to. I was devastated, but understood where she was coming from, because I wanted her to be successful and have a great experience. I told her I understood her decision, as difficult as it was, and that I wanted her to make the most of it because I cared about her. She said she cared about me as well and that's why she wanted to end it in a respectful and good place before resentment built on either end, especially her end, since she felt our relationship was interfering with school. I don't blame her for making the decision, because if she felt this is the right decision for her current life priorities, then it's obviously the right one. Part of me wanted to fight for it, but ultimately not if she doesn't feel it's the right thing for her. When we met in person for some closure a couple of weeks later she was even more emotional and could barely put a sentence together. I told her I wanted her to know I'd always support her as best I could if she needed me but that for the time being I would give her space, because she obviously desired that, and I said we should avoid trying to navigate the emotional confusion of a friendship in the near term. I thanked her for an awesome two years and told her to ace school and make the most of it because she had worked hard and deserved it.

 

The two things I struggle with most are: 1) the suddenness of it: as mentioned, the relationship was great before she left, rarely any issues, and during the time she was gone all of our correspondence was positive and loving, usually about how much we missed one another and looked forward to seeing one another the next time we were together. The time I visited her was an emotional couple of days because it settled in that we were not in the same place anymore, and I struggled especially with that, and was somewhat melancholy, which she picked up on. At the end of the visit though, I told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted the relationship to work, and she agreed. Right up until a day before things were seemingly alright. Then she asked to speak on the phone one morning, and a few hours later when we did, the world seemed to have turned upside down. This suddenness is definitely what I'm struggling with most, and I attribute it to her emotions just welling to the surface and becoming too much to handle, but I'd be interested in getting some other reads on the situation. 2) radio silence: since the breakup I have maintained no contact with her. I think this is best since we both are very busy and have to focus, and based on the emotion she displayed, and the emotion I know I feel, I think it's best to allow some time to heal, especially since I said I would give her space and take some myself. When and how to reinitiate contact is tough though, because we haven't gone a day in almost three years without talking, and now three weeks of nothing. She has been fairly active on social media in that time from what I see through mutual friends, but I think that is largely a coping mechanism, since she's in a new environment. Just curious if folks here think it's best to leave it until she talks to me or...?

 

Any other input is welcomed.

[foreverastone]

I reckon you should give her some time, she's still settling in and dealing with grad school (been there done that and know how hard it is) and re initiate contact once the things have settled a bit.

 

It could either go two ways;

 

1) she's settled and more stable so she will have the time to commit to the relationship

2) It's the final nail on the coffin and it just wasn't meant to be

 

You've done everything right and have been supportive and given her space. I'm sure it was a hard decision for both of you to let go which means you both mean a lot to each other.

 

It sounds similar to what i'm going through

Me and my bf have been together for 10 months and I recently got a job in a city which is also 2hrs away. Since graduating I have worked 3 part time jobs to support myself and have sent over 150 applications to get this job. It also took 10 months

 

It is the job of my dreams and will make finding the next job a piece of cake.

The only issue is that my bf is in the last 9 months of his doctorate so he's crazily busy and is hyper stressed out. He's always been supportive of my ambitions and career but he's uncertain about LDR

 

I've been in a LDR before which lasted 3yrs so I have experience and kind of know what to expect and to make it work whereas he hasn't

 

He's never been in a LDR before and it makes him anxious and scared because he doesn't know how he will react and he doesn't know whether he wants to find out about himself. He's also scared that one of us will lose interest because of lack of physical intimacy etc

It also comes down to the fact we've only been dating for 10 months which he says hasn't built a solid enough foundation for the relationship to succeed

 

At the moment he's taken some time to think about it and will let me know either way but it just upsets me so much because he won't even try and is literally throwing away the last 10 months. I also thought we were stronger then that and have such a promising future together.

[jakeshin]

Definitely hear you on the "feeling like you're stronger than that" part. After 2.5 years I felt like we had built something pretty solid, and we had spoken about a future together, something I was really starting to envision. I wouldn't look at it in your situation or mine as throwing time away if you don't have regrets, and have enjoyed the time, but I definitely hear where you are coming from. I think you should have a detailed discussion though and not just let him make a decision and "get back to you".

 

In my situation, this is the start of a 3 year program for her, and I am also applying to graduate schools in a couple of different cities, so I think that has contributed to her being overwhelmed also. It's LDR, but it's also a big undertaking (Ivy League), plus there's the added uncertainty of my process. I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me it makes sense from an outside perspective, and that it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love me.

 

It's perplexing because, while I encouraged her to pursue this program at this particular school, I did so with the hope that the relationship would continue. I thought it could. She said she felt the same. Little did I know. But because I encouraged her to chase it initially, I feel the same desire to encourage her now, even if her life can't include me, and it feels so contradictory. I'm looking for some female perspective on this. For context, we certainly felt the tension building in the couple of months before her leaving because neither of us have ever done LDR's. But we tried to keep a positive attitude. Simply put, how do you think she is thinking about me right now, if at all?

[Adferger1]

Hi man... I really liked reading your post. Not that I enjoy your pain, but because I am in the EXACT same situration...

What I have done so far has been 4 weeks of No Contact. After about 2 weeks she started writing me several times a week. She wanted to know how I was.

 

After the No contact we started texting again, and after I showed her my affection for her she became cold as ice. She still writes me once a week or so, just to talk. And then goes cold again.

 

And just like your ex, mine is also very very active on social medias. Like you said: they are in a new envioment, and need to make friends and show their good side... They might not show their sadness og grief, but that doesn´t mean they are not feeling anything. I think they just need to hide it, now that they are makeing a new social circel...

 

I have now removed her from all my social medias and deleted her number. This is not a move I did as part of my "win her back plan".... I did it for my own good. It can be quite devastating to log into facebook every morning and seeing her having the time of her life... But I guess you know that?

 

My advice would be to stay away from her. Focus on heeling. If you need to do No Contact, or entirely remove her from Facebook will be up to you. But think about your own mental health before her....

[Adferger1]

Hiw are you doing mate?

[xUnknown]

I too am going through more or less the same thing. I've got to run now, but feel free to look through my threads. I'll post here later.

[John Grogan]

Looks like it we are the Hardy Boys. Same thing here, i posted in the Taken for Granted thread.

 

My situation just started but it is basically the same. SO left, the first month it was incredible good, we manage to cope with the pain and sorrow, but then things changed. School related, work frustration. We still manage to talk a lot, but i don't know it felt different.

 

She finally said that she found her independence again and that are things now complicated.

 

 

I think when someone starts something new in their life and lets the other person home with all the memories and stuff, at some point, all breaks.