Can't decide what i want with her

[rfernandes]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm 34 years old and for the better part, i for sure have some emotional trauma because i have a couple issues with my self:

 

- Difficulties making difficult emotioal decisions

- Can' decide if i want to have kids some day

- The best of me comes when the house is on fire

- Always with if's in my mind

 

I was for about 8 years with a fantastic women. We've been separated for almost two years total during that time, almost always because of me. I never loved her, and this simple fact should be enough for me to step aside and let her go. But this is were the problems come. I only loved once in my life and being with a fu.. up family with no normal relationship, means i was always good being alone, having those times for me. So i don't have much problems in being by myself most of the time, thing that can't be normal i think.

 

The thing is i have some emotional issues. I could be 60 days without talking with my family and feel too bad about it. So this led me to were i am.

 

I have a person who really likes me, who does everything for me. She's not perfect of course, but she is really great. What i want? Is to find a way to make it work!! Not being in love should be the end of it, but since i don't feel those things even for my family (i mean of course i like them, but love is not something that comes out of me), i end up my days going back and forward with this.

 

I miss her and all those things, but at the same time i'm afraid of making her suffer once again. It's her decision to be with me, given she knows the truth from me, but basically i lost trust in my self, i don't like what i see in the mirror. Confidence gone, so i spend my days dealing with this things and not going anywhere.

 

I feel like crap and i do really want to find a way to make this thing work, even if i don't feel love.

 

I know 99% of you will say to me to back off and leave her alone but two months have gone by and nothing as changed for me. I just want to stop with this things and try and be happy here.

 

Hope someone can offer some good advice and sorry for the confusion this post might look like.

Edited October 20, 2014 by rfernandes

[rfernandes]

Anyone could give me your opinion?

 

Thanks in advance.

[idoltree]

I can't tell you what to do.

 

I can appreciate that you have been open with the lady in your life, but I do feel that you don't fully respect her decision to stay with you, and thus, her. Why? Because I think you don't like yourself very much, so anyone who likes you and puts effort into you is deemed to be defective. It seems like you have been trying to treat her in a way where your walls make it impossible to have a future with you, she leaves you, and thus you get what you "deserve."

 

You admit that you have emotional trauma. I think the most important question is - what are you doing about it?

[rfernandes]

I asked for a time off and decided to deal with this issues and try and find reasons behind this emotional issues i have. She was more then great with even do it costed her a lot. I always tried to make sure she did nothing wrong and that the problem was with me. It was clear to me i wasn´t good to anyone and should focus first on myself. I already went to a therapist but it's too expensive so i'm looking for other more affordable bur yet with good recommendations.

 

I also have to say me going to the therapist was mainly her pushing for me to try it. She arranged everything and asked me to try it. So i went. It was clear to me that and to the therapist that i have a very good sense of my issues, but she wanted to attack this not from a rational point of view, but from a emotional point of you. Aldo i don't put to much faith in it i decided to pursue this, because i do beleave there is something there that i could not figure out by myself despite my best attempts.

 

And finally it's good to find a place were i can speak open about this.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

Edited October 21, 2014 by rfernandes

[xUnknown]

Keep going to Therapy. Keep figuring yourself out. She WANTS to be there for you. She doesn't need to. That says a lot about her character and who she is as an individual, not to mention how much she cares about you.

[rfernandes]

Yes she wants to be with me and like i said, yes she is a fantastic women. That's why i want to find a way to save us and to make it work despite the difference in feelings. I know that's not fair, but again, i think once i put all the cards on the table, and with two adults in it, whatever is decided from there is valid.

 

Of course i can't make her wait her will i'm dealing with this. That i also said to her. I know the risk of loosing her is there and it's part of it.

A part of me wants her back, a part of me wants to find a way to make it possible, but another part is holding me back. Not feeling ready, not sure of making this happen again in the future, making her suffer again, ...

 

And just another info, what made the glass be over filled with water was me not knowing if i want to have kids someday. With her or another women. And since i knew that's something she wants, the time came were that could no longer be delayed. She felt guilty about that, that her asking me that made me go down, that if she didn't asked that it would all be ok. I told her of course it was not her fault, that it was only a matter of time before it happen.

I don't want to take the risk of us staying for a few more years and even then me not knowing if i want to have kids or me finding out if i don't want to have kids at all. That would be terrible for her and to me.

So many different things on my mind and it sucks only to have doubts.

 

Thanks again.

Edited October 21, 2014 by rfernandes