Stuck in a rut.

[KB_138]

Hi all,

 

I, like many of you here, am enduring the heartache of a relationship coming to an end. I am just over the 5 month mark since parting ways with my ex girlfriend of 2 and a half years.

 

I guess I can consider myself lucky. We didn't fight, we didn't cheat, we actually got along very well. Unfortunately somewhere along the line our relationship turned into a mere friendship.

 

I could list a million great qualities about her but I think it would be easier to list the troubled area. She had a very hard time communicating issues with me. I did my best, while keeping her comfortable with no pressures, to talk to me about anything that may be bothering her. This is one of the main reasons why I believe we fell apart.

 

A few moths prior to the breakup it was becoming more and more apparent that we were more 'friends/roommates" rather than "spouses/partners" She stopped using cute nicknames, our sex life was very infrequent, she seemed to have much more fun with friends rather than spending time with me. The spark we once had was missing. We acknowledged it and decided that we needed to try and bring it back. So I did just that, I made sure to bring back all of the things that we had been missing and not just because i had to but because i truly wanted to. However, she did not do the same in return. She than ultimately told me she was too far gone and couldn't come back. In my mind that means she had fallen out of love with me. Which brought me to the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told her that I needed to leave. After begging, crying and being in denial for a brief period (of course, as most do). She told me she never stopped loving me. I think it was her way of trying to hide the fact that she was no longer IN LOVE with me anymore.

 

Fast forward to today. I've spent everyday with her on my mind. The few fun things I did this summer were not as enjoyable as they should have been as I couldnt stop thinking about how she would have loved it too. I still dream of her and since the last time I saw her ( almost 4 months ago) I get a pain in my stomach thinking about seeing her in person. Like I'm going to fall apart, right back to square one. I have not even seen a recent photo of her. She has spent her summer being busy every day with friends, family, travelling to europe, her business and from the few short words i've spoken with her she is actually having a lot of fun. Not that she doesn't deserve it but it's hard to understand how I can be almost the polar opposite. I was recently invited to a mutual friends (whom I introduced her to) halloween party. She will be going and I dont think i can do the same. She will be able to enjoy and i know i wont be. I'm not the type to bring personal issues to a party and cause a scene by any means but im sure i would be quiet and not very "party worthy".

 

I hate that this breakup is taking up 95% of my day to day life. I guess my question to everyone reading is... If you have been in a situation such as mine, what have you done to help bring yourself back to, well... yourself? I'm a very friendly fun person to be around and I truly miss it. Also what do I need to do to just let go of my ex. I dont want to say its impossible for us to work out again one day but as we know its very highly unlikely. Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out and look forward to your comments.

[Augustus64]

I feel your pain brother- Ive been there- Heres the cliche: its going to take time, but in the mean time; between time, your relationship with yourself takes precedent. The way that she has been having a good time you need to snap the hell out of it pick yourself up by the bootstraps and do the same. Life goes on. Maybe she comes back, maybe she doesn't. You can't love her more than you love yourself. Be good to yourself. pce brother. u got it

[LoveIsMyReligion]

No one on here can fix the way you are feeling but it will get better over time.

 

Like you I thought I would never get over my ex but I did. It took me a little over a year (it was a 6 year relationship). What sped my recovery up was self-improvement and reading a self-help book that teaches you to be in control of your happiness and not relying on others to make you happy.

 

It gets better friend, I promise.

[blackcat777]

I have learned to focus on the small victories.

 

The first day I didn't cry.

 

It was a long time between that and the second day I didn't cry, but I knew it was possible.

 

The first day I felt hungry again.

 

Now I'm eating roughly enough. I'm still not cooking. That hurts way too much.

 

I slept enough for the first night a few days ago. I'm not sleeping normally, but that means normal sleep is coming somewhere on the horizon.

 

I try to be aware of when I'm happy, making myself laugh, even over dumb things, like I did before getting my heart smashed.

 

I had no stomach for watching my favorite comedian on Youtube. Now I can do that again.

 

It's all about the small victories. They add up and help me to be patient with myself.

[evanescentworld]

The reason you are still in agony is because you have not closed off all contact. The fact that you remain connected - you know all her moves and plans, social events and likely whereabouts - means that you are incapable of letting go and releasing the relationship. You have to go complete and total No Contact and stop either checking up on her or being available as a friend.

When you break up, you break up. It's over, finished and done with. You have no obligation or responsibility towards your ex, and you are back to being single, and leading completely separate, individual and unfettered lives. She goes her way and you go yours. No more birthdays, special events, anniversaries, public holidays together - nothing.

 

Whatever she chooses to do, is up to her. You shouldn't know about it or frankly, even care.

Read the No Contact guide for a fully-comprehensive set of tried-and-tested guidelines on how to break up cleanly, effectively and for good.

[KB_138]

Thanks for all the replies. Its nice knowing there are people out there who know where you're coming from . As for the last response, I understand that no contact is best defense. However if I were to do that I would be throwing away a lot of friends as well. We've always been very group oriented and tend to have gatherings rather frequently. I've definitely limited the times I see them however they are all very great people that I will not give up seeing just because she may be around . Does it make it harder on me? Probably, but I'm not going to start missing my friends too. Love can be magical but it can be a real bitch as well. I'm doing my best to go with the advice from the first response to my story. Suck it up and make myself happy. Put my happiness first. Yeah, it'll probably seem hopeless at times but you just have to try, right?