strengthinwhiskey Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend (we are both 29) just moved into my place (1st of august) with me and my 4 year old son, who is with me half the time. We've been together almost a year and I've expressed to him that he's the love of my life (and vice versa). He is a very logical, mathematically minded person, and I am more emotional (but usually pretty logical as well). Despite being a 'thinking' type, he's been the most affectionate, demonstrative and loving person I've ever been with. If anything, since the time we met, his affections have only grown. Texts every day about how lucky he was to be with me, telling me he loved me and asking for hugs every hour, sex almost every day and sometimes more, waking me up in the middle of the night to cuddle with me and tell me how much he loved me. The only real conflict in our relationship we realized a few months ago seemed to arise with my other premenstrual symptoms. Once a month, almost like clockwork, I would be more easily agitated, sometimes getting upset over something small, something I wouldn't bother to mention normally. I would even feel like I couldn't love him sometimes and have to fake it. After recognizing this pattern and examining the truly extreme changes in my feelings toward him, I realized I almost certainly have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (pmdd). The only options to treat this are diet/exercise as well as birth control pills (which I've been on and didn't help) or an anti-depressant. Since I'm happy and normal three fourths of the time, I was hesitant to take an anti-depressant, and instead we communicated about this and our fighting during that time each month has diminished from where it started, for sure. Most of the time he and I have been madly in love. We read each other books aloud each night and cuddle and have tons of sex and laugh and have a million inside jokes and he makes me feel absolutely cherished. Well during this last bout of pmdd, I caught him lying about something very inconsequential (he never needed to lie and I wouldn't have cared at all). The lie was volunteered (not a response to a question) and when I called him on it, he continued to lie even after I showed him the proof. This really bothered me. Instead of this being a tiny thing that I was just getting too upset about, this felt like a real issue. In response to my telling him he just couldn't tell me lies in our relationship, he volunteered a handful of other things he'd lied or been lying about. Then he also told me about a contagious health issue he had that he had known about and not treated for a decade, and this really upset and freaked me out. I felt he'd betrayed my trust and endangered me and my son. He was very ashamed. I focused for a few days on helping him on the road to getting well and fixing his health issues. Then, a small thing he said which irritated me kind of led into me venting my feelings about what he'd done. I was harsh and basically told him I felt squeamish being around him, not wanting to contract his contagion. I felt it was going to be hard for me to trust him again, and that I wasn't feeling close to or loving toward him, and I hoped my feelings would change. The next day he'd made plans to leave for a week. Again, I was upset because it wasn't up for discussion and we, as a household, have responsibilities - my son loves him and has routines with him, etc. I asked him not to just bail on the situation, but he said he felt an overwhelming need to just be alone. I made the mistake of saying, in a burst of panic and fear, that if he left he shouldn't come back. He just calmly packed all of his things and left his key, and is gone. It's been two days, but he will not respond to my calls, emails, or texts. He sent me one vague text last night saying he wasn't coming back and was sorry. I didn't know for sure whether he meant he wasn't coming back that night , as I'd previously asked him to consider doing, or if he just broke up with me via the text message. I sent him a very loving email, apologizing profusely for hurting him, and telling him that I would take whatever measures it could to fix things if he chooses to come back. That I'd do whatever he needed, and I would change my behavior - I would see a doctor and do whatever I needed to better control my emotional swinginess, reminded him of how happy we were (literally the day before the fight, he asked me if I liked the idea of getting married in the spring). I addressed any and every issue he ever brought up and gave solutions for how I'd make great improvements. Assured him how much I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. I told him if it was indeed over I was ready to know for everyone's sake. He still hasn't replied and spends almost all day online so I'm certain he's read it. I know I need to sit back and wait, but obviously it's hard to do when you're in panic mode. I feel like I blew it and somehow in one instant broke him by just saying something that made him feel too bad or guilty or like dealing with me wasn't worth it. I guess I'm looking for advice or experience with any situation even close to this one. Should I just wait, now? Is it best to just see what happens? Do I have a chance here or should I just start moving on? It's hard to sit around waiting when my son keeps asking where he is. I feel like a terrible girlfriend and a terrible mom right now, and my heart is just shattered. And on the other hand, I can't fathom how anything I said in this one instant actually undid the vast majority of our wildly connective and loving relationship. Edited October 1, 2014 by strengthinwhiskey Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You can never break a man in one day... so with my wee bit of advice, let him cool off, and allow for discussion, even if it hurts you. Once you allow him to say what he says without conflict, tell him you understand and accept what he has said. This will allow further trust, in allowing him to say what he feels. With that you can reciprocate by allowing what you feel to be said. Holding things in too long will allow blowups. SO every wee thing must come out in the open. Just don't go overboard with everyhing all at once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strengthinwhiskey Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thank you. I don't want to give myself false hope, but I'm accepting that all I can do is to back away and let him decide what he wants to do. It's so hard not knowing. I want to have hope but with every surge of hope comes a message from my brain saying "don't fall for it. It'll just make it hurt worse. You know it's over." Link to post Share on other sites
Author strengthinwhiskey Posted October 3, 2014 Author Share Posted October 3, 2014 I have no desire to use manipulation or guilt tactics, although when I am in the midst of a pmdd episode, I am not beyond trying to do that. Every real fight we had occurred within one of those episodes. We didn't have problems outside of them. I went to see my doctor today, and I got some compassion and validation; she told me that she has treated people with pmdd who did worse things during their episodes, that without treatment this disorder can be almost unstoppable, and she praised my honesty and willingness to get help. She put me on an antidepressant that should help and could possibly make a drastic difference. So my life is going to improve, no matter what happens with my boyfriend. I miss him tremendously already. I am pretty sure we are not going to get back together and wish I'd had the strength/awareness to take this step sooner and save things, but I'm also pretty disappointed that he gave up without giving me a chance to show him that the solution may be as simple as a few doctor's visits. I know for certain that if pmdd hadn't been an issue we'd be very happy right now. Feeling sad, but feeling calm. And feeling like, if he doesn't come around, reevaluate, and recognize that the person he fell in love with and devoted himself to is present, and that the person who he fights with is contending with a severe hormonal imbalance that can't be controlled without outside help, then he may not have been very committed. I am trying to learn to be kind to myself. Talking to my doctor and reading the literature about this disease helps me to feel a little less guilt-stricken. It's relieving to know that I'm not just a bad or crazy person. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Sometimes people who love the hardest, are also the ones who will walk away the easiest. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come back after feeling completely rejected. Either way, you did your part in trying to talk to him... now the rest is up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
nerd Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 If I respect a woman and she tells me to never come back... I won't. Link to post Share on other sites
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