This feels like a divorce minus the kids. Relationships without intimacy ever work?

[indecisive 12]

As short as I can make this (sorry.. I am a wordy bastard):

 

My GF and I have dated for 4 years. I've always had some doubts (mainly on the intimacy stuff.. I *never* felt like we clicked), but I am the type to always be unhappy with what I have so I chalked it up to that. Not to mention my last GF was a HORRIBLE person, but also amazing in the bedroom.. so it might be unfair to compare. I am a depressed person by nature, although I take meds for it and it has been better-ish for a year or so.

 

My GF is a really caring and awesome person, although she herself struggles with severe anxiety at times as well as occasional depression. This always makes things tough because I cannot support her in the way she supports me.. and we both get frustrated. Honestly I am not treating her right in those situations.. although I truly want to. It is like I'm watching myself being a half-assed jerk and I can't stop it.

 

So a year and a half ago we bought a house together. Since then neither of us has been really super happy. Sex is non-existant and we both hate our sex life. I am not really attracted to her in that sense... and I don't feel like I can ever be. Just something isn't there.

 

So a month or so ago we broke up (something I had been contemplating almost since we bought the house.. I see a shrink and my dissatisfaction with my relationship is usually topic numero uno.) She is moving out in 3 weeks. During this time she and I have supported each other and been friendly.. although obviously all of this is tough and it makes it impossible to move on.

 

She eventually agreed (a week after I broke up with her) that it was probably for the best. But the reason it is for the best is solely because I don't put enough "effort" into the relationship. I guarantee 100% if I suddenly fell back in love with her (I love her.. but I'm not IN love?) and promised/guaranteed that I would be a better BF.. really be interested in her completely and there for her when she is stressed, depressed, etc.. that she would consider getting back together.

 

In my head I know this is the right move.. but I'm 33. She is almost 30. We have built a life together. Going through old pictures makes me cry like a little girl sometimes... which leads to me having strong doubts as to whether this is the right move or not. Sometimes it feels so stupid. Right now is one of those times because I just had to toss my first birthday gift from her (a framed collage of the pictures we had together leading up to that point).

 

I know there is probably no turning back at this point (she has a lease lined up for Oct 15th... I have a realtor about to put the house on the market). My friends tell me to try to work on the intimacy stuff.. but she and I just do not click. I don't want to tell them that I don't think she is a good kisser and is very boring to have sex with. And I've tried telling myself that stuff doesn't matter. But it always leads to me just being unhappy.

 

Anyone have advice? Words of encouragement? Similar things happen to them? I would much, much rather she cheated on me or something. Or hated me. Or something where it was easily definitive and you knew what to do.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Sounds like you expect your wife to be your ex in bed. Not that you want it, just your deep passions do.

 

Some women are not so in tune with their deep desires, as they may feel dirty trying. Until a woman learns from experimentation she will always be plain vanilla.

 

Since you have been with her, I would expect you to know her sexual needs or interests. Meaning has she played with toys, have desires that she is afraid to share, finds your style too fast, or looking for a different type of intimacy.

 

You can experiment in so many levels and ways.

 

Try something as simple as a body massage with various scented oils. Then when she is relaxed become more seductive in how you touch her. Not to move your hand between her legs but to entice her passions to come out.

 

Or you can be more loving to hold her an caress her to allow for her to feel a deep connection. Try to show intimacy without having to get naked, by finding areas that are touchable and enjoy being touched. Long her spine, sides, legs and what ever with your fingers, or mouth and tongue.

 

Show her passion in just how you interact with her in kisses and holding her. As if she means something deeper than just to relax with on the couch.

 

Once you find some way to open doors, you can get her nice lace lingerie and knickers to be comfortable around the house yet be seductive. Play find me games, by sending pics of where you or her can be hiding.

 

Take time away from your activities to just be with her when she may feel there has been not enough time. Could be a game or show on the telie, just show that your interests are her.

 

Once you get her to play more, you can add toys, but make sure she gets to pick them out. As it will be a challenge to her.

 

There are a number of books and videos about sexual positions. This will allow her to feel confident in learning, and may allow her to open up to trying ones she feels comfortable with.

 

Just remember a woman will find her own pleasures, just you cannot find it for her unless she is willing.

[mightycpa]

Of course, the butterflies and fireworks always go away, and the sex can get routine at times, so in the end, a lot of people end up where you are - almost.

 

In the same way that you love your mother and father, or maybe your children, you don't always feel love. But you know you love them, it's just that their immediate behavior gets in the way of you feeling it. Love for a SO is really no different in that respect.

 

I think the one thing that strikes me though is that you say you don't click. I've been with people like that. What I notice now though, is that even when things aren't easy between us, if there's some strife or dissatisfaction, even then there is an easiness, a familiarity that doesn't go away. But you don't talk about that part at all. You use the word "intimacy" as if it is only about sex. It isn't. In fact, that's probably the least important thing about intimacy.

 

So my take on it is that you've reached a dead end somewhere, and you've been unable to move past that point in the relationship. This is where your willingness to let go of things comes from, in my opinion.

 

I vote you follow through with your plans to abandon each other and try elsewhere..

[indecisive 12]

I guess when I say we dont click what I mean is in the bedroom. I think she may br repressed a little. I dont know. I am pretty sure she doesnt do anything with herself either. Ahem.

 

I just dont want her to be alone or feel bad about herself. And I am going to miss her. I am worried I didnt do enough to try to get her out of her shell... And honestly early in the relationship I turned her down a couple times due to being tired and probably a combination of my depression and my feeling a lack of a sexual connection.

 

I am so far down the road in this breakup it doesnt even feel like I should even consider anything else. And everytime I imagine meeting someone new I get excited. But I want to know that this couldnt have worked and I am not sure.