Am I a stalker, or is she a jilted dumper?

[FeuFollet]

First, I'd like to mention that I am a combat veteran from the late unpleasantness in Iraq. I am in treatment, take meds, and make my mental health my first priority - but I do have Combat PTSD, and am rated for it through the department of veteran affairs. Second: My back was messed up in the war, and for the last 9 months I've been mostly bed-bound, only regaining marginal mobility in the last 3 or so.

 

Now, on with the tale of woe:

 

About three months ago, I started to regain my mobility, though I was (and still do on bad days) using a cane. I set up an online dating profile because, frankly, I was bored out of my skull and had marginal human interaction for months as I recuperated.

 

I met a girl through there: College educated, fit, gainfully employed, former stripper (found out the last one after we started seeing each other). We met and got on well for our first date. We wound up sleeping together on our second. She wanted to try an open kind of relationship, and I was fine with it - having long ago had most of my possessive demons burned in the fires of infidelity, years ago.

 

For three months, we met once or twice a week. We had dinner, talked about our various shared interests (of which there were surprisingly many) and had fantastic kinky sex. I did't want to get attached, but I started to.

 

A month ago she started sleeping with her roommate, and he immediately began pressuring her for a monogamous relationship. She had an STI test, it came up negative, and we resumed our weekly rendezvous - though apparently her roommate was none to happy with it.

 

Over the long weekend, her took her to an quaint little town a few hours away (she had spent that friday night with me) and she decided that she wanted to enter into a monogamous relationship with him.

 

She didn't tell me until the next wednesday or so (after she had delivered to me some furniture she needed to get rid of). I was surprised how hurt I was. I had gotten attached to her. I think I might have even started falling in love with her - as angry as I am at myself for it now.

 

We met up a week later to discuss if we could be friends. I told her I couldn't be her friend. I didn't tell her the real reason was because I had been falling in love with her for three months and I didn't want to be a plan-b if her roommate didn't work out. I have my self respect, after all. I told her we all have the right to be happy, and to seek that happiness with whomever we choose. I told her I didn't want to see her or hear from her again. I was a little mean about the furniture thing, because that had felt like a betrayal (I was so excited to be moving into a new place so that I could have a place for her to come over and entertain her).

I told her I didn't want to read anything she wrote.

 

She emailed me a few days later. She came across like a jilted lover that had just been dumped (regardless of the fact she had already rejected me) because I wouldn't be her friend. She was quite nasty, but she insinuated that if I had told her how I felt, she might have made a different decision. I called my therapist. She told me to tell her how I felt. I emailed her back, and told her we had to meet. A few hours later, she hadn't responded. So I did the rational thing

 

I went to her work. She didn't work Mondays. I went to her house. Her roommate/boyfriend opened the door. I saw fear in his eyes. She was standing behind him, weeping quietly. I yelled at her over his shoulder that if she wanted to talk to me that she should meet me at my new place after work (outside, on the patio). She nodded. I looked at the roommate. "You must be the better man." I said to him. "No." He replied.

 

All I could tell him was "Congratulations" as I walked back to my car.

 

 

A few hours later she emailed me and told me if I came by her work or home again she'd call the cops on me and charge me for harassment and stalking. Do you think she was justified? Do you think I really made her feel threatened, or do you think she's feeling some kind of weird friend-rejection and just wants to hurt me?

 

For the record, if she hadn't shown up I wouldn't have contacted her again. I just want to get past her and move on with my life. I don't believe in chasing someone who doesn't want me - but I wanted to make sure... is that the truth? Or am I trying to justify myself to you? Only you can decide, fateful reader.

[CC12]

A few hours later, she hadn't responded. So I did the rational thing

 

I went to her work.

 

I went to her house.

 

I yelled at her

 

I can't tell if you were being humorous by saying that you did the rational thing, but going to her work and her house and confronting her and her roommate was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

 

A few hours later she emailed me and told me if I came by her work or home again she'd call the cops on me and charge me for harassment and stalking. Do you think she was justified? Do you think I really made her feel threatened, or do you think she's feeling some kind of weird friend-rejection and just wants to hurt me?

 

I do think she was justified, and I do think you made her feel threatened.

 

I wish you the best on your journey to mental health. I think you should tell your therapist about this and see what she says.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't tell if you were being humorous by saying that you did the rational thing, but going to her work and her house and confronting her and her roommate was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

 

 

 

I do think she was justified, and I do think you made her feel threatened.

 

I wish you the best on your journey to mental health. I think you should tell your therapist about this and see what she says.

 

This. You had no business showing up at her workplace and then her home. Yes, I feel she was justified. I'd be disturbed by that too.

[Survivor12]

Yes, I think she felt threatened. You went to see her because she didn't answer an email within a few hours? Not only are you broken up & she is not obligated to respond but emails are not generally used to convey urgency. Why didn't you call her before tracking her down? And, why would you think it was a good idea to go to her home knowing that it is her bf's home as well? Do you not see the potentially negative results that could have transpired?

 

One of the symptoms associated with PTSD is anxiety & fits of anger so she had good reason to be concerned. You were obviously upset enough to contact your therapist so it is not unreasonable to assume that you may have been acting aggressively. Perhaps someone at her workplace called to warn her or something in your emails came off as threatening.

 

Regardless, stay away from her. If she attempts to contact you again, ignore her. (She is trouble & you don't need that kind of dysfunction in your life.)

 

I am sorry for your circumstances--& grateful for your service, and I hope that you continue to recover and have a long a happy life. Good luck to you.

[mightycpa]

She said she felt threatened, so it really doesn't matter if you intended to threaten her or not. Third parties, like these people above, could certainly perceive you as being threatening from your mere presence. Politeness doesn't count. Thank the crazies for that. I think you've been beaten up sufficiently on that score, so let's focus our attention in a couple of other areas:

 

1) She emailed me a few days later.

2) She came across like a jilted lover that had just been dumped (regardless of the fact she had already rejected me) because I wouldn't be her friend.

3) She was quite nasty,

So far, all this makes perfect sense

 

4) but she insinuated that if I had told her how I felt, she might have made a different decision.

How is it that she knew you felt any differently than you told her? You claim to have been quite clear on this. Something is missing in your narrative.

 

5) I called my therapist.

6) She told me to tell her how I felt.

7) I emailed her back, and told her we had to meet.

Dubious advice from a therapist, when the standard reaction to that move in the situation you describe is rejection. When the dumper wants you back, they don't insinuate. They go to your work, and your home, and wherever else they might find you. There is no doubt in your mind if you are wanted by your dumper. Your therapist ought to have known that.

 

A few hours later, she hadn't responded.

Patience would have been your friend. "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!" barked Colonel Prescott. "We're low on ammunition, so every shot has to count!"

 

Now you're out of ammunition, because you shot too quickly, and you missed the target. You've lost this particular battle. Learn what you can and keep up the good fight.

[ThorntonMelon]

So here's the other way to look at it.

 

You right now are clearly mentally affected by your affliction and it's likely affecting your decision making. Your therapist may have given the advice she gave for one of many reasons - ultimately you're responsible for following it or not. What I would say is that the one mistake I see in here outside of your going to her home is that you clearly say you "insinuated".

 

There is no insinuating in matters of love. There's saying it or not saying it. No reading between the lines. I realize that is not an easy thing because Hollywood says people like to play hard to get, but this isn't the movies. Unless she clearly states something, don't rationalize that it was what she meant.

 

I wish you well in your recovery on all fronts and thank you so much for your service.

[NoLeafClover]

B***hes always feel threatened when they get caught right handedly f***king another man at their own place. If she was home alone It would of been no issue, if she was with another man already "oh no you are definitely stalking and harassing her" - catch my drift?

 

Truth is, you in a way deserved it because what do you expect from a wh**re who has no respect for herself? You end up being who you hang out with..

 

So you accept putting it in shortly after another guy does, mess around with sti's (they call em sti's now hah) and you pass her around like it's a cold or something.

 

What do you expect my friend? That she was going to marry you, be with you when she has lived her life like a free electron ...and a carbon one at that.

 

Do yourself a favor, man up and forget this h*e.

You are letting yourself be bothered by someone who has no idea what dignity is but you have fought in a war where the grounds of manly hood starts from thee.

 

Pa. No you are not a stalker, you just got caught up in the moment and didn't think much of the situation that could of been because in the real world, wanting to talk and meet someone at their house is normal..but when the other dude is there it's not.

Edited September 22, 2014 by NoLeafClover

[broken2828]

Stalking is the sustained and menacing invasion of another person's privacy. What you did in no way constitutes stalking.

 

She likely blew the incident out of proportion in order to villify you and in doing so justify her actions.

 

You were in a short relationship and probably still in the infatuation stage. Hindsight will cast this entire situation in a different light.

Edited September 23, 2014 by broken2828

[CC12]

B***hes always feel threatened when they get caught right handedly f***king another man at their own place. If she was home alone It would of been no issue, if she was with another man already "oh no you are definitely stalking and harassing her" - catch my drift?

 

You keep saying that there was "another man" but did you notice that the OP said he had an open relationship with her? That there would be other sexual or romantic partners is kind of the whole point of an open relationship. So you should direct your insults (b***h, wh*re, h*e) at the OP as well, because he was a willing and equal participant in this arrangement.

 

There's actually not one person, in the OP or the responses here, who has accused him of stalking. The girl in question said that if he showed up at her home or work again, that she would call the police and charge him with stalking.