You have to learn the hard way...

[LifeGoesOnMan]

The truth is, you have to learn the hard way..

 

The Truth is going through a break up is one of the most difficult things you will go through in your life.

 

There is no cure for the pain but time.

 

Time does heal all wounds, but you can’t keep picking at them.

 

That is why “No Contact” is so important.

 

However, the truth is, no matter what you read on this forum, no matter what people tell you is best, in most cases you are going to have to learn it the hard way & see for yourself.

 

It’s unfortunate because there is a wealth of stories, information, experiences throughout this forum warning you of what lies ahead should you stray from NC, but it seems every day there is a new posting by a heartbroken sap wondering what he did wrong and what he can do to make it better.

 

The truth is, there is nothing you can do. I don’t know how many times that has to be repeated but if you do not cut all contact off from your ex from the moment you were dumped you will...

 

1.) NEVER GET YOUR EX BACK

2.) NEVER GET YOURSELF BACK

3.) NEVER GET OVER YOUR EX

4.) NEVER MOVE ON

 

Plain & simple.

 

Now I also want you to realize this, once your ex has dumped you, they will have no problem treating you like **** afterwards.

 

None what so ever.

 

Once they have fallen out of love, there is almost an immediate indifference to your feelings, or how what they do will affect your feelings.

 

They simply DO NOT CARE (trust me on this)

 

If they are in a rebound, they are BANGING SOMEONE ELSE.

If they aren’t in a rebound, they are BANGING SOMEONE ELSE.

 

If they aren’t banging someone else right now, guess what? THEY WILL BE

How does that make you feel? Angry? Well it should, and you should want NOTHING to do with them either…

 

Let me tell you a quick story:

Boy & Girl are together for 7 years, everything is great for the first 5 years, move in together, spend every waking moment together, share many, many, experiences, the up & downs, etc etc., then things start to become routine, both become bored of each other, everything becomes an argument and neither try to work on things, instead just let things get worse.

 

One day the girl’s friend introduces her to another guy, girl becomes interested, other guy likes girl, now girl has a fall back plan and an escape into the arms of another guy. Girl breaks up with boyfriend; boyfriend doesn’t see it coming, despite knowing things weren’t going great and bam! Girl is gone, in the arm of another guy. Boyfriend surprisingly reads about NC and sticks to it, as hard as it is.

 

A month goes by, girl realizes she made a mistake, contacts boyfriend and wants to “work things out”, boyfriend isn’t over her and wants to try as well, they agree to try to start over, take it slow, go out a few times a week, etc. etc. this goes on for a few months, but they never officially get back together.

 

However, the girl never cuts off contact with the other dude, is secretly still seeing him, having her cake and eating it too, while the boyfriend thinks things are progressing and all is well, the girl is really playing him and the other guy too. After weeks and many dollars spent, Boyfriend finds out, is devastated, and cuts off all contact… again.

 

This cycle repeats itself about 3 times.

 

Yup you guessed it, that was me, the blinded heartbroken boyfriend who just wanted to make things work and “try”.

 

She had cancelled going to the movies on me one night, which made me instantly suspicious , I happened to know where this guy other guy lived and sure enough found her car there after she told me she was going to sleep and didn’t feel well.

 

I ended it all with a simple text stating “Me and You are done.” And haven’t spoke to her or looked back since.

 

It took me over a year and half to finally set myself free, I went back and forth with her multiple times. Penned the whole first go around right here on LS, but never obtained the goal I was so determined to achieve.

 

The problem with “trying to work things out” is there are miles between “working things out” and getting back together.

 

“Trying to work things out” is basically a route with an escape hatch readily accessible by the dumper, they always have the option and excuse of “it’s not working out” or “it just didn’t work out”.

 

*I want to get back together* is agreeing to work things out, not “try”.

 

The reason why I am telling you this is I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING, I DID NOT LISTEN TO THIS FORUM (initially) AND I DID NOT BELIEVE THE HARD TRUTH THAT THIS GIRL DID NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.

 

I had to learn the hard way.

 

I loved her, and sadly, that is what enabled her to play me, repeatedly.

 

She did not love me, she had fallen out of love, however she didn’t want to let me go either, despite not sharing the same mutual feelings.

 

It was a co-dependency thing on her end while I was still much in love with her.

 

& it sucked and cost me a lot of money too, but I got past it.Everyone on my team tried to persuade me to let her go months ago, I was warned repeatedly on this forum of what was to come but I didn’t want to believe them.

 

 

 

I had to learn things the hard way, to finally accept that our relationship was over and it was never going to go back to the way it use to be

 

Ever.

 

It doesn’t feel right, chances are, it isn’t right.

 

If things are meant to be , they will be, and you will know its sincere.

 

People DO get back together, but DO NOT WAIT for them…

 

you don’t have to learn the hard way, or maybe you do.

[me85]

Boy, you and I share (basically) the same story. It's good you took the time to give your 2 cents and share your story.

 

I never listen. I'm stubborn and have to learn on my own. I firmly believe people (9 times out of 10) have to learn from their own mistakes. Because we have it in our heads that our situation may be different than someone else's, no matter how much it may mirror someone else's situation.

 

It is extremely difficult to let go of someone you became so intimate and involved with but the simple truth is, if they really honestly loved you they would never leave you and start loving someone else. They wouldn't dare risk losing you or test your loyalty for them. They'd be loyal to you. Once you stop giving them all the benefits of the doubt, you finally see it for what it really is...love lost that was never meant to last and you move on...but only until you reach the end of your rope. Some ropes are longer than others but there are no such ropes without end.

[johnson_j]

As with most everything, the "It's different this time" maxim causes worse heartache. While we are heartbroken, it's difficult to see things logically and understand that it really isn't different even though the person has a vested interest in believing that it "is different".

 

 

EDIT: Just writing that makes me realize I wish I could go back to January and kick my own ass.

Edited September 15, 2014 by johnson_j

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Boy, you and I share (basically) the same story. It's good you took the time to give your 2 cents and share your story.

 

I never listen. I'm stubborn and have to learn on my own. I firmly believe people (9 times out of 10) have to learn from their own mistakes. Because we have it in our heads that our situation may be different than someone else's, no matter how much it may mirror someone else's situation.

 

It is extremely difficult to let go of someone you became so intimate and involved with but the simple truth is, if they really honestly loved you they would never leave you and start loving someone else. They wouldn't dare risk losing you or test your loyalty for them. They'd be loyal to you. Once you stop giving them all the benefits of the doubt, you finally see it for what it really is...love lost that was never meant to last and you move on...but only until you reach the end of your rope. Some ropes are longer than others but there are no such ropes without end.

 

 

 

you speak the truth bro.

 

 

& if you look past your feelings for someone, and try to see things from an outside perspective, you will see things for what they really are.

 

 

that's the hardest part, the way YOUR feelings influence your perspective of the situation.

 

 

I actually had to SEE that she was at this dudes house for me to believe it.

 

 

it was as relieving as it was painful,but it set me free.

 

 

Its unfortunate it had to come to that, and how much time we have to waste sometimes to be able to see things clearly, but when you do, it actually feels good.

 

 

we don't want to believe that they don't feel the same way we do about them, period.

 

 

sometimes they need to pry your eyes open for you.

 

 

doesn't have to be that way tho!

As with most everything, the "It's different this time" maxim causes worse heartache. While we are heartbroken, it's difficult to see things logically and understand that it really isn't different even though the person has a vested interest in believing that it "is different".

 

 

EDIT: Just writing that makes me realize I wish I could go back to January and kick my own ass.

 

We believe and hear what we want to.

 

 

We need to believe and hear what's real.

 

 

The struggle.

[dumbass2]

Boy, you and I share (basically) the same story. It's good you took the time to give your 2 cents and share your story.

 

I never listen. I'm stubborn and have to learn on my own. I firmly believe people (9 times out of 10) have to learn from their own mistakes. Because we have it in our heads that our situation may be different than someone else's, no matter how much it may mirror someone else's situation.

 

It is extremely difficult to let go of someone you became so intimate and involved with but the simple truth is, if they really honestly loved you they would never leave you and start loving someone else. They wouldn't dare risk losing you or test your loyalty for them. They'd be loyal to you. Once you stop giving them all the benefits of the doubt, you finally see it for what it really is...love lost that was never meant to last and you move on...but only until you reach the end of your rope. Some ropes are longer than others but there are no such ropes without end.

 

I have a long rope and wish I had bought a shorter one at Home Depot, but there was no one around to cut it shorter for me when I bought it and they were out of the shorter ones. I can see the end of it approaching, but sometimes as I get near the end, something keeps pulling it further out. It's like tug of war. Maybe I'm afraid to see the end because my ex will not be at the end of the rope begging for me back.

[me85]

I have a long rope and wish I had bought a shorter one at Home Depot, but there was no one around to cut it shorter for me when I bought it and they were out of the shorter ones. I can see the end of it approaching, but sometimes as I get near the end, something keeps pulling it further out. It's like tug of war. Maybe I'm afraid to see the end because my ex will not be at the end of the rope begging for me back.

 

LOL At least you haven't lost your sense of humor!

 

Why is it that we think the outcome will be different for us?? "Such and such told me such and such happened to them and that I should do this and that but maybe my situation is different...maybe I will have a better outcome than such and such..."

 

Ha! Very rarely do people who BU get back together and live happily ever after. The rope connected to my ex and I is pretty long as well. Any time he wants to tug at me, or vice versa, we do and both of us always tug back. I'm just happy to be at a point where I really am happy. I recently went through something spiritual which has made me feel full of light and love. Not love for a guy...and my love for my nearest and dearest has always been...I'm talking about love for myself. I redirected all that love and attention I was giving my ex-towards myself. Every since, I've felt reborn.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments but they do not last long at all. My "bounce backs' are faster. I'm learning how to master my thoughts. It's wicked hard but possible.

Edited September 15, 2014 by me85

[chicagolove]

I just broke no contact because we're in a state a thousand miles away from our hometown, and I have no one here but him. I almost had a break down so I started talking to him again. But he is blatantly still talking to other women and has no regard to my feelings. I really hate him right now and I hate that I feel like I need him. I want to move back to my home town and I want him to fall apart when I leave for good. I did a lot for him. That's horrible to want bad things for him, I know, but I guess I'm bitter. This hurts me, but it doesn't hurt him. I want him to hurt too. Not any physical detrimental pain, but I want him to feel bad about this whole thing, but he doesn't even care. I want him to regret how he treated me.

 

Just venting, I really agree with the OP. Whatever happened to your ex, do you know? I can't wait to move and be done with my ex and once I leave I hope to never see or hear from him again. Ugh.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I just broke no contact because we're in a state a thousand miles away from our hometown, and I have no one here but him. I almost had a break down so I started talking to him again. But he is blatantly still talking to other women and has no regard to my feelings. I really hate him right now and I hate that I feel like I need him. I want to move back to my home town and I want him to fall apart when I leave for good. I did a lot for him. That's horrible to want bad things for him, I know, but I guess I'm bitter. This hurts me, but it doesn't hurt him. I want him to hurt too. Not any physical detrimental pain, but I want him to feel bad about this whole thing, but he doesn't even care. I want him to regret how he treated me.

 

Just venting, I really agree with the OP. Whatever happened to your ex, do you know? I can't wait to move and be done with my ex and once I leave I hope to never see or hear from him again. Ugh.

 

No contact will make him feel regret in a way he hasn't before. And its the only way you will feel better as well. Don't break it again.

 

Moving away is a nice fresh start and you will pretty much have no choice but to move on which is a blessing in disguise.

 

As far as my ex goes , no I don't know what she's doing and she can suck a 100 weiners for all I care.

[tim_tom]

Word.. Thought i had this, but fell apart from 3-11pm last night and made a complete ass out of myself. Hearing about it over and over on these boards, having the vets tell you exactly what is going to happen, for some reason just don't cut it when it comes to you. Everyone believes their love was different, including me, but it's not.

[Ben Dover]

Good post man you're spot on with this. I went exactly what you went through with my ex with the getting back together and breaking up thing like three times. It's just notworth it.

 

The biggest issue with people and myself included is that they think their case is different from the hundreds of other ones posted here. So they think they can stay in contact andmanage to get the ex vback somehow. Never ever ever works.

 

Would have saved me so much time and hurt if I had followed all the advice given to me here. But like you said, sometimes we just need to find out the hard way.

 

I'm wayyyyy better than I was back in March. Keep going NC everybody. It really is the only way to get yourself back. Don't think you're that special case that can get your ex back by being in contact. Get off that emotional roller coaster for good.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Word.. Thought i had this, but fell apart from 3-11pm last night and made a complete ass out of myself. Hearing about it over and over on these boards, having the vets tell you exactly what is going to happen, for some reason just don't cut it when it comes to you. Everyone believes their love was different, including me, but it's not.

 

 

yea, I thought this chick was my soulmate... not so much.

 

 

its disturbing how blind love can make you.

 

 

stupid feelings!

Good post man you're spot on with this. I went exactly what you went through with my ex with the getting back together and breaking up thing like three times. It's just notworth it.

 

The biggest issue with people and myself included is that they think their case is different from the hundreds of other ones posted here. So they think they can stay in contact andmanage to get the ex vback somehow. Never ever ever works.

 

Would have saved me so much time and hurt if I had followed all the advice given to me here. But like you said, sometimes we just need to find out the hard way.

 

I'm wayyyyy better than I was back in March. Keep going NC everybody. It really is the only way to get yourself back. Don't think you're that special case that can get your ex back by being in contact. Get off that emotional roller coaster for good.

 

 

 

 

amen bro, head high, walk on!

[Missy0724]

It is one of the hardest things to go thru...But we ALL go thru it, and will go thru it again. This is reality.

 

I was in denial too, codependent, when my bf of 10 months gave up, "couldn't love me the way I wanted him to", where his words. Yup, he couldn't. Took me three months to see that, but I did.

 

And you know how I did it, got thru it, am doing pretty well at three months?

 

He threw the "let's be friends" cards, I still love you, care about you, want to be "close friends".

 

At first, bc of my emotional state, caved in and believed this offer...

 

Learned by his behaviors after that was offered, that indeed, he did NOT mean it, did not care for me any more, or my feelings. It was all about HIM.

 

So I sent him a few clear, firm emails with my exact feelings of how I was treated and how he made me feel. And that that is NOT a friend. So, No thanks. GOODBYE. Spoke my mind once and for all, said it all. Some would say, "don't do that, don't bother". But I knew 100% it was to say Goodbye, so it was closure for me. And felt good to say things I'd wanted to say when he broke up with me, but didn't. He needed to know, YES, there are consequences with actions, or lack of actions. He seems to not understand this... He does now, with me. If I taught him that lesson, so be it. I'm happy with that...

 

Then blocked him from everything. Have had NC since. It's been three weeks now... and believe me, it was THE BEST THING I could have done!!!

 

At first I doubted myself, felt SO guilty, was I hurting him? Would he hate me?

 

WHO CARES. Did he care about hurting me? He broke up with ME. He walked away. He did not want to work on issues, treat me as a girlfriend. He used me. I was a rebound. He was/is still in love with his ex wife. And probably will be for a very long time, as he chooses not to set new boundaries with her, not see her as much, etc.

 

He made the choice the day he broke up with me, he did not want me in his life anymore. But wanted to still keep the control and have me in his life part way, as "friends". We all know what that is about.

 

So I took that power away from him. Gave him what he wanted. Me out of his life. And damn happy about it. He does not deserve a peep from me, or to know one thing about my life.

 

When someone breaks up with you - it means IT'S BROKEN. Listen to them. Give them what they ask for - you out of their life. It is best for BOTH people to go NC - so BOTH people can process without confusion of other person messing with their mind, mourn thoroughly and in healthy way, heal, and move on...

 

No one dies of a broken heart! We will all carry on...And be all the better, wiser, stronger. We will love again! If we CHOOSE to, make healthy decisions to ensure that happens. Hard as ****, but we have to. For US. It's about US, not them anymore. Our time for caring about them, is over. Because they decided to stop caring about us. Why care for someone who does not want to be with us anymore???

 

It's up to us, the dumpees to take action. GOODBYE!!! :-)

 

And maybe someday when the healing is done, we can look back and smile about the good memories...that time will come...

[BC1980]

The hardest thing was realizing that he didn't feel the same as me anymore. I couldn't wrap my mind around that until I has been NC for months. As difficult as it was to accept, it helped me move on in the end. To realize that the emotional connection wasn't there for him anymore.

 

And you're right. You have to experience all of it before understanding it.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

The hardest thing was realizing that he didn't feel the same as me anymore. I couldn't wrap my mind around that until I has been NC for months. As difficult as it was to accept, it helped me move on in the end. To realize that the emotional connection wasn't there for him anymore.

 

And you're right. You have to experience all of it before understanding it.

 

Yup. Our feelings for them prevent us from realizing their true feelings for us.

 

sometimes you really do need them to pry your eyes open for you.

 

f''k em' Life is too short and goes by way too fast to be unhappy.