27 days no contact

[kirkd1984]

I need some serious relationship advice from all the 'guru's' out there please! Or anybody that can relate to my situation!!! ... My Fiance of 6 months is 20, i am 29. She has a gay best friend who is 19. He has interfered in our relationship on several occasions, one time they both got drunk and she called me to talk. I had gone to sleep for a few hours because i missed her and i thought that if i slept, and set an alarm, i wouldn't be waiting around missing her. Anyway, when i woke up i had missed calls so i called her back right away.

 

She was hammered and i could hear her friend whispering to her in the background. Cut a long story short, they showed up at our house (we lived together with my mum) and accused me of cheating! He had told her to put her phone on loud speaker and he recorded our conversation on his phone via voice record! it all came out that she had confided in him our entire relationship and that he knew things that even i didn't know about her!

 

That is just one example. I had a female friend who my fiance didn't like me associating with because we had been friends for three years and dated once in that time, basically friends that crossed the line and went back to being friends because it worked a lot better. After confiding in me about her feelings i stopped seeing this girl altogether, my fiance is/was my priority. 12 days ago we rowed about her friend and my feelings towards him. I explained that she had made me insecure and a little paranoid, feeling like she was still telling him intimate personal things concerning our relationship.

 

She explained that he is her only friend and she needs him, even though i was prepared to give up my friend for her. As it was impacting on our relationship. I'd been awake for 30 hours working nights and this made the fight worse. I told her to leave and she did.

Edited August 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kirkd1984]

Later that night she returned when i was at work on nights and collected some clothes. She told my mum i'd asked her to leave and she needed some bits for work. I got a text from her mum three days later to ask if it was ok to come and collect her things to which i said yes. Her mum did the following day. This was on the Thursday. On saturday her gay best friend text and said she had asked him to text me to get any bits together she may have left behind and they would collect them next week. Well that was a week ago tomorrow... any help?

[Chi townD]

Yeah, her gay best friend split you up. He didn't want you to marry her. So, he drove a wedge between the two of you so he could keep his "best friend". Sad part is, she let him do it. It tells me that she values his friendship more than a marriage to you. That should tell you something.

 

 

I mean, she was planning a wedding with you. She wanted to dedicate her life to you. Has she even called? You said that her mom called and the gay best friend called. But, nothing about her. What has she done to try and save what she has with the man she supposed to love? I'm guessing, nothing.

 

 

Another problem is that she's barely out of her teens. Hell, she can't even get into a bar or Club in the States. She still a kid and doesn't know what the hell she wants. Or else, she wouldn't be so easily influenced. She's acting like an immature little girl rather than a confident woman.

 

 

If I were you, I would just collect up ALL of her sh*t and just drop it off at her mom's door.

 

 

Time to move on dude. Gay guy probably thinks he won, but I think he just saved you from a lot of heartache down the road.

[kirkd1984]

Thanks for that advice my friend. Its so hard because i love her so much. I am/was prepared to marry her! She still has the house keys (mums house) engagement ring and i've just discovered... my bank card!!! I lent her it last time we spoke to pay some money into my account. Surely she would notice she still has it?! Although she doesn't have the pin and i've checked that it hasn't been used at all in the last 12 days. Why not just post those possessions back to me?! Why not send her mum round to get the rest of her bits like before? If she really wanted this over i personally would have done that already. Not wait all this time. Its been a week tomorrow since i heard from her gay friend. Where as it only took 3 days for her mum to contact me and take her belongings the week before?! Is this just a stand off? Who will text first? I mean she has contacted me. Just not directly (through her mum and friend).

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you not just picking up the phone and calling her? You told her to leave, so she did. If you wish to speak to her, call her. Enough of this back-and-forth between her friends/family and you.

 

To be honest, I think she is too young to get married. If she was willing to let her best friend put silly thoughts in her head and play right along with them..well, she's not ready for marriage anyway. She needs to first learn how to problem-solve without someone secretly recording her conversation, for heaven's sake. That is ridiculous and indicates serious immaturity on her part, not to mention a general lack of respect for you and the relationship.

 

How long were you together before becoming engaged?

[redbaron005]

Yeah, her gay best friend split you up. He didn't want you to marry her. So, he drove a wedge between the two of you so he could keep his "best friend". Sad part is, she let him do it. It tells me that she values his friendship more than a marriage to you. That should tell you something.

 

 

I mean, she was planning a wedding with you. She wanted to dedicate her life to you. Has she even called? You said that her mom called and the gay best friend called. But, nothing about her. What has she done to try and save what she has with the man she supposed to love? I'm guessing, nothing.

 

 

Another problem is that she's barely out of her teens. Hell, she can't even get into a bar or Club in the States. She still a kid and doesn't know what the hell she wants. Or else, she wouldn't be so easily influenced. She's acting like an immature little girl rather than a confident woman.

 

^This.

 

And it may be that she had doubts about the engagement and is using her friend as a scapegoat to get out or a combination of both. In my last RS, my ex's friend played a large role in splitting us up and setting my ex up with a new guy. I wonder if her friend has a 'better match' in mind, wouldn't be surprised if she is attracted to another guy and is 'confused.'

[kirkd1984]

We were together 6 months before getting engaged. It was a joint decision. Not one more than the other. We have a holiday booked in October for a week too. And we were meant to be viewing our wedding venue on the 25th of this month i cannot for the life of me figure all of this out. She was looking at wedding venues more than me! And making plans! I'm 99% sure she expected me to call her after we had that row but i needed time to cool off and before i knew it she'd sent her mum round for her things! And then a day or so later i am getting texts from her best friend saying they will be over next week for the rest. Well it is Saturday now and no word?! Why let me hang onto those things and she is hanging onto mine? Surely she'd just give them back and get her mum to collect her possessions?! I mean she had no problem getting her mum to do it last week?! Why wait.

[ExpatInItaly]

We were together 6 months before getting engaged. It was a joint decision. Not one more than the other. We have a holiday booked in October for a week too. And we were meant to be viewing our wedding venue on the 25th of this month i cannot for the life of me figure all of this out. She was looking at wedding venues more than me! And making plans! I'm 99% sure she expected me to call her after we had that row but i needed time to cool off and before i knew it she'd sent her mum round for her things! And then a day or so later i am getting texts from her best friend saying they will be over next week for the rest. Well it is Saturday now and no word?! Why let me hang onto those things and she is hanging onto mine? Surely she'd just give them back and get her mum to collect her possessions?! I mean she had no problem getting her mum to do it last week?! Why wait.

 

Why are you waiting? What exactly are you playing at? You told her to leave. She did. It's not that complicated. Did you expect her to chase you down and beg for forgiveness or something?

 

If you want to resolve this, put on your big-boy pants and call her already. Perhaps she's decided she doesn't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Perhaps she wanted to cool off. Who knows? The point is that waiting around is futile and no way to solve a problem.

[TAV]

Why are you waiting? What exactly are you playing at? You told her to leave. She did. It's not that complicated. Did you expect her to chase you down and beg for forgiveness or something?

 

If you want to resolve this, put on your big-boy pants and call her already. Perhaps she's decided she doesn't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Perhaps she wanted to cool off. Who knows? The point is that waiting around is futile and no way to solve a problem.

 

I agree with Expat. And your fiancee may have been caught up in the idea of the wedding; many girls dream of getting married and have their whole wedding planned out. Then again most girls also dream of a knight in shining armor on a white horse whisking them away to fairytale land. She actually reminds me of my teenage kids wanting a kitten so bad and then once it was here the changing the litter box thing plus getting up early in the weekend because it was hungry and needed feeding was not all it was cracked up to be. But, hey, that is the reality of things.

 

Your fiancee may be amazing, beautiful and sweet but she is not mature for her age. If you do pick up that phone and somehow get back together you can expect more of the same; it won't make it difference if you are actually married or not, she is not going to grow up overnight. That will take years and by then you are in your mid-thirties and may want to have a family; something else she may not be ready for or does not have realistic dreams about.

[kirkd1984]

I agree with what you are saying. And i do wish i'd called her on the Monday after we rowed. I didn't expect her to send her mum round for her things i guess?! And now i feel like i've left it too long. That and i'm still waiting for ger to come and get her things...

[kirkd1984]

Hi, long story short. I was engaged to a girl of 20 years old. I am 30. We lived together at my mums. We were very much in love but used to row a lot about her interfering gay male friend. She would confide in him about our relationship and a lot of this was very personal very intimate information about us. He would see this as a green light to involve himself in our relationship. I would say to her 'boot on the other foot' how would you feel if my friend, boy or girl, was interfering in our relationship? She said that she would hate it, but he is her only friend and if we 'split up' then she would have nobody. Anyway, this came to a head almost a month ago. We had a fairly typical fight. I told her to leave and she did. Moments later she called and left a voicemail, which i deleted out if anger. That same night, while i was out, she came back with her mother and took some clothes. Three days later after 'no contact' her mum text me and asked if it would be ok to collect the rest of her daughters things the next day. And was her stuff bagged up or still on hangers. I said it was as it was left and that it would be no problem if she wanted to get her things. The following day, while i was at work her mother did just that. But left quite a bit behind. A further two days later her gay best friend messaged me through text and said that my girlfriend had asked him to text me. And that they would be over next week to collect the rest of her things. Nobody came. Nobody text. That was two weeks ago now. She still has the house keys, engagement ring and i recently discovered, my personal bank card. Which i gave to her to keep safe ( i'd forgotten my wallet that day and she had her purse ) my question is, what is she playing at?! Why hasn't she returned my things and collected her things as suggested in that text?? Or sent her mum back to get her things? Its so odd. This is day 27 of no contact with her? Please help me. I'm losing my mind.