Boyfriend's job is causing a breakup, am I being selfish?

[Kkristine]

My boyfriend & I live together, and the first year we lived together, he started working overnights for the 1st time. I had anxiety the entire year he did it. I actually became a hermit all summer because I would be sleeping during the day & was up all night till sunrise. He is expected to work overnights for a full year every 2 years.

 

My house was robbed two times as a teen, both of which I was the only one home. My boyfriend has tried to help me numerous times with my anxiety by buying me different types of sleeping pills, adding deadbolts, getting a dog, spotlights, etc... but nothing has lessened my issues. He does not understand my anxiety whatsoever, but tries to help me. He says I'm being "selfish" for saying things like, "I don't want to rush things because I'm not confident that I can go through that again." etc. He'll then tell me that if I broke up with him due to this stupid thing, then I don't really love him. This leads me to feeling hurt because I love him very much, yet he just doesn't understand.

 

I'm asking for advice on what I should do? Is it selfish? If we both want to marry each other, do I have a right to ask him if he could try to explore other options if he had the chance to?

[54JA]

"I don't want to rush things because I'm not confident that I can go through that again." etc. He'll then tell me that if I broke up with him due to this stupid thing, then I don't really love him.

 

What did you mean by "I don't want to rush things because I'm not confident that I can go through that again?"

 

What did you mean by the "stupid thing?"

 

Thanks.

[BikerAccnt]

If it's really just the anxiety about being left alone at night that's bothering you, and not the fact that he has to work evenings (many people do). Perhaps you should look to getting some help for yourself to get over that anxiety.

 

It sounds to me as if you've got some unresolved issues related to the prior break-ins that have little to do with your romantic situation. I think you need to get those sorted out before you make any rash judgements on breaking up. Especially if you love him as you say you do.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh, and as far as asking him to explore other job options. No, I don't think that's selfish of you. Two people need to be compatible to marry, that includes schedule compatible. I lived with a woman who worked midnight shifts. Eventually it contributed to our breakup. It wasn't the main reason, but it was in the mix. But, until you look deeply at your own unresolved issue, I wouldn't ask. You may get an answer you don't like.

Edited August 23, 2014 by BikerAccnt

[d0nnivain]

You can ask him to explore other options but it's not fair to break up with him if he can't or won't. In this economy good jobs are hard to come by. Suggesting that he become unemployed or underemployed without benefits or whatever just because you never got over a significant childhood trauma is unrealistic. Get some therapy. Get better security. Deal with your own issue rather than expect him to plunge into poverty because you can't cope.

 

If you break up with him & live alone, how will that be better / lessen your anxiety?

[AltiumV]

hello,

 

i had a ex that also had anxiety issues, she would constantly feel neglected when i went away to work, i suggested my ex to find a job and she was fine after that, so you could always try and get a job, or prehaps study or take a course? keep your mind occupied, or ideally as everyone stated get thearpy, sadly my ex's anxiety and other troubles lead to her cheating but that isnt important.

 

Apart of life is working, you earn money socialize and develop your own independence, after every job i ever went through i become a better and stronger person, commitment will always strengthen you whether its a relationship commitment or commitment to your self to improve your skills.

 

Commit to your relationship since you love him.

Commit to thearpy or getting a job or study, keep yourself busy and occupied.

 

One thing about my ex is that she was also the "hermit" type, she got bored and needy and constantly complained over nothing and she went looking elsewhere, then came crawling back. Sad but true story do not throw away a relationship over something this small, always remembering that relationships are built on trust+honesty+communication+loyalty. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and suggest to him that you need help etc....remembering that you are a team!!!!

[Els]

His job isn't 'causing the breakup'. Your anxiety is.

 

I'm not saying you're doing it on purpose or that you're being selfish. Anxiety, especially in the event of past traumatic events, is difficult to deal with. But you need to focus on dealing with it instead of getting your SO to do something HUGE like changing his job just to calm it for now.

 

I mean... most adults have to spend some time living alone, at one point of their lives or another. What is going to happen to you if you're not in a R? You won't sleep every day?

 

Your SO has already done his part by installing deadlocks, etc for you. Now you have to do your part by seeking treatment for your anxiety.