Can I ever catch a break?

[starryeyedsurprise]

About 6 weeks ago I re-connected with someone I met last year. We met through a mutual friend, and hung out in a group setting for 2 nights. After those 2 nights, I had a crush. I didn’t do anything or act on it. Fast forward 7 months later, I found him on instagram and we immediately started talking and chatting everyday. We started out as friends, getting to know each other, hanging out, etc. All the normal things.

 

About 2 weeks ago, things started to get serious, we were both developing feelings for each other, and his words, we grew. I liked him and he liked me. Where is the problem you ask? Well here you go:

All last week he was busy and kept saying this sux because he can’t see me and wants to fix this so we can hang out more. We are both single, parents, in our 30’s, full time jobs, gym, tan laundry. I would say the timing is just off and things would get better, and to take it slow. I could see he was getting frustrated and I didn’t want to be the cause of that. I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he is confused. He repeated this statement for 3-4 days, he’s confused, this sux, he is growing attached to me.

 

So, I told him that we should cool it down and take a break, he agreed and then continued to call and text. I would ask why and he said he still wanted to communicate. The next day, he was in a bad mood and distant, so I tried to cheer him up…but it’s not my job to cheer him up! He should be happy not bummed all the time.

So Sunday, I told him that I hated he was feeling like this (mind you we haven’t seen each other face to face for 8 days already) and that I don’t want to be confusing or a confusing part in his life, and this wasn’t fair to either of us. I told him I would let him go until he figures out what he wants.

 

He flipped out on me, saying that I basically told him to eff off, and made the decision for him. I tried to explain and he cut me off, I called so many times and left texts and he said he is done and I pushed him away. What the heck is that? He mistook my caring as something evil, and in turn I turned into the crazy ex that called and text him for 24 hours straight. Christ I’m almost 40 years old, but it drove me crazy that he wouldn’t hear me out, he just shut the door and said he is gone.

 

As far as I know, I did nothing wrong, but truly care about this persons feelings and what he was struggling with. I tried to talk to him over and over and text him over and over but he wasn’t letting me. He has something planted in his mind, and he is done, but doesn't have all the facts.

 

I'm not going to fight for this, it's too much. I just wanted to know if I handled this wrong? He is making me out to be the bad guy and said this is why he lets no woman in his life, why he doesn't trust anyone, etc etc....

Edited August 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to BBU

[HappyLove]

You did nothing wrong. Thank God you found out what a moody immature person this is fairly early on. I'd hope this isn't the type of man, a grown woman with a child to think about, would want to have in her life. In the future put your efforts into dating MEN not miserable little boys in a mans body.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Thank you, yes these were my thoughts exactly! Acting like a child and cutting me off without any type of normal communication. I felt I needed to explain my side, and he just ignored me and became pissed off. Yes, I did call and text non-stop for 24 hours, that is my fault, but god I was going insane that he wouldn't hear me out.

 

Oh and I'm a fool (my words) because I apologized about a hundred times, to which he said he doesn't believe in apologies and no 2nd chances....I believe there is something wrong here. He has put words in my mouth that I never said, and took the entire situation wrong.

Edited August 19, 2014 by starryeyedsurprise

[HappyLove]

A mother should not bring someone so ridiculous into her child's life. Nothing even happened. This guy is seriously looney tunes. He takes great pride in the way you begged him to hear you out. Now that you've come to your senses go NC and find yourself a real man.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yes, it almost felt like he was enjoying my 24 hour begging session. He wouldn't hear me out at all, which is disgusting in my book. I am glad I found this out now though....imagine if this were a marriage and he cut me off like this, these are his true colors. I did nothing wrong, I didn't push him away, and I didn't make the decision for him. I gave him space and told him it's not fair for either of us to be miserable right now. Nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Regardless, giving a man space to sort out what he wants is the best way to respond when he is feeling this way. He took it as a huge EFF YOU to his face because I said I will just let him go to figure things out, and it's not fair to either of us.

Edited August 19, 2014 by starryeyedsurprise

[starryeyedsurprise]

I'm such a fool. I did it again, chase someone who clearly left. I didn't contact him until today, again I sent numerous text messages to him. All I wanted was to have a conversation about what happened and I'm being completely ignored and I look like the crazy stalker. This behavior is disgusting and I am so disappointed in myself.

 

I have to stop because I am only going to drag myself down and hurt myself some more. I did this, I caused more pain for myself. I tell myself everyday to just let it go, but the fighter inside me is winning. I want to fix this, but it's not up to me to fix anything. He doesn't want to talk, period. It's been 4 days since our fight. It's been 4 days of him assuming what I meant and that's what hurts the most, I can't even defend myself.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Just an update. I went a bit crazy yesterday with the texts, and I just couldn't stop myself. I felt the need to explain my side over and over again, and in the end he said I did it, don't blame him for doin it and don't try to make me feel like i did something to you. and last words were I'm trying to pull a guilt trip on him.

 

Once again, he made me feel bad and turn my words around. All I wanted was a chance to talk to him to clear the air, and he wouldn't let me. It drove me crazy that my words were twisted, and he didn't even give me a chance.

 

I know better today, finally. I guess I need to purge it from my system. At least I only spent a few days chasing him, but dear God what the heck is wrong with me and why would I do that??? I thought it was because he was worth it, but I was wrong. He told me he was confused, I said I would let him go and give him space. I cracked the door open a bit for him to think, he ran out the door and slammed it in my face.

 

This is why I'm always afraid of opening up to people, I let him in, and he let me in to. I am hurt, and he is pissed off at me. Lose lose for both.

Edited August 21, 2014 by starryeyedsurprise

[Zahara]

Honestly, I think he was looking for a way out of the relationship. I think he used that as an excuse to GTFO.

 

Otherwise, any man invested in you and the relationship, would welcome your explanation and work through it.

 

You gave him an out. And he took it. Now he sits there guiltless because you're the one that kicked him to the curb.

 

OR

 

He's just an aHole that enjoys tormenting you.

 

Either way, you dodged a bullet. Stop texting.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Those are my thoughts exactly. When someone says they are confused, the adult, mature, normal thing is to give them space and let them decide what they are feeling. I did the right thing, and he turned into me making a decision for him and pushing him away....really? I think he is just dumb at this point.

 

and then to even attack me by saying that every woman in his life has pushed him away? he put me in that boat with the rest of them. These are his issues, not mine. I tried.

 

When someone asks to talk about things you said and meant, you normally give them a chance to explain, especially when these messages were via text. They are always read wrong and things are assumed. I hate texting.

[Mary Oak]

This guy was too cowardly to leave so he allowed you to do it for him.

 

He ignored you... a lot. Silence sometimes speaks more than words.

[Zahara]

Delete his number so you stop texting him. I bet you, the moment you stop, and he realizes you're not giving him the attention he needs, he'll come back snooping. Or he'll just vanish. Either way, you move on and don't look back.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I deleted him from all social media and my phone. Once I noticed how badly I was trying to convince him to talk to me and let him know my peace I stopped. It's not worth the fight after such a short period of time. The good part is that I never attacked, called him names or anything negative. Each text was defending myself.

 

I am not worried, he won't contact me again.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Today has been a little hard. NC for 2 days now, and I am starting to feel sad, and I actually miss him. Going from communicating 24 hours a day to nothing is tough. We got along, we laughed, we had fun...I don't get it.

 

I am keeping busy with work, life, my son, working out, etc but he is constantly on my mind. I dare not reach my phone though.....I will not do that again. I am embarrassed that I basically harrassed him for a few days, and now been silent for 2 days. I won't break NC. I now look like the psycho ex that texted him for 2 days straight asking to talk.

 

It's so hard to put my finger on it, and I just don't understand. I know....he's just not that into me.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Starry, my observation is that you are quite obsessive/compulsive in your need to connect with a man who is clearly unavailable. Is this a pattern in past relationships?

 

Codependent addiction is real. It's the inability to let someone go and you become obsessed with them and the "fantasy" relationship. From my vantage point, he wanted out, was too chicken sheet to say it and when he found a way to manipulate you (guilt trip apologies), he took it.

 

You're 100 apologies and text stalking indicates your lack of self esteem and worth. I identify with this behavior because I was once enmeshed in a similar relationship (or two). I use al-anon to recover from it. Let go.....

[starryeyedsurprise]

EEEKKK, is that really what this is? I mean I wasn't in fantasy land, we were having a great time, and did things, talked, went to concerts, etc so I didn't make up this relationship in my head.

 

After I wrote that comment today I had an epiphany. Somehow, once I purged my missing him, I thought about all the negatives about him. How he spoke so badly about his ex wife and he is still obsessed with her life and what she does and with who. He spoke badly about the last 3 girls he dated, called them psycho. Hmmmmm it all makes sense. I was his therapist for the last month and he had no intentions of making this anything else. Once he started to get close and had feelings, he bolted. He wasn't ready. He bolted at the first chance.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Oh my god, I have become that girl we all talk about. The one who calls and texts an ex. The one we look at who is pathetic, tell her move on, tell her NC NC NC .....Well I'm not pathetic, I am someone who found a great guy (so I thought) and thought he was worth it. It went from fun to crash and burn in a snap of a finger. I have done everything wrong possible after, all the things they say never to do after a split with someone, but i don't regret it. That's just me and my personality, I fight for what I want, and in this case I will not get it.

 

The last message I sent said something along these lines - I would luv a chance to talk, continue our friendship that I valued. We had amazing conversations and good times. Don't walk away. There is too much good stuff here.

 

Call me a fool, but I am hopeless romantic. I tried but it just wasn't meant to be in his eyes. You can attack me as much as you wish, I am here to vent. There is no right and wrong, I gave it the old college try.

 

Sometimes I wish I can be the person to cut someone out of their life and walk away with never looking back, but that wouldn't make me human or normal. There was no lies, cheating, stealing, manipulating, etc here....I just dealt with a man who was emotionally unavailable. Another one bites the dust. What do we expect from our age group? 35-40 basically means divorced, hurt, kids, baggage, trust issues, emotionally cut off, etc. I will not be one of those, I will keep on living and someday, just maybe someday find what I'm looking for and he will to.

[Zahara]

What's done is done. Just keep him blocked and feel the pain of this. It's the only way to get to the other side. Don't contact him anymore or leave any doors open for him to reach out to you.

[starryeyedsurprise]

That's the funny thing, he has me blocked on everything as well.

[Zahara]

That's the funny thing, he has me blocked on everything as well.

 

He's doing you a huge favor. You may not see it now but this is actually a good thing for you. It's your finality and it helps you to accept that it is over. Grieve from this and slowly try to move on.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yes, I see it, it could have been months or years down the line and he would have cut me off.....just he did with his mom, dad, ex-wife, and some friends. He's cleaning house, but to each his own.

 

There are other fish in the sea.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Ouch - I don't have any access to him, no social media or phone, nothing, but we did share a mutual friend on Facebook. I came to found out that he considers me and the last 3 girls he dated crazy. He has been talking smack about us and his arsenal of friends are encouraging this.

 

What did I get involved with? Someone who considers me crazy from putting effort into a new relationship, and now talking behind my back. This is not being insecure or a woman, I am hurt.

 

I know, move on, NC....I have been, and I honestly shouldn't give a rats a$$ what he thinks, it's just plain mean.

[Zahara]

What did I get involved with? Someone who considers me crazy from putting effort into a new relationship, and now talking behind my back. This is not being insecure or a woman, I am hurt.

 

I know, move on, NC....I have been, and I honestly shouldn't give a rats a$$ what he thinks, it's just plain mean.

 

I think when he says "crazy", it is the barrage of messages you sent him. I think guys consider that sort of behavior a little off the charts.

 

He's not an idiot. He knows that silencing you caused panic on your part and you reacted that way. The silent treatment is cruel. He knows what he did. Now he turns it around and makes it look like you were the one that was off.

 

Good riddance. I bet he's behaved this way with his past partners as well.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yes, he has behaved that way to past girls, when we first started talking as friends he would tell me how they were crazy, showed up at his house, etc.

 

That should have been a red flag right there, but I didn't go into our friendship thinking we would end up liking each other that way.

 

Yes, I did send texts for a few days, but your right, he shut me out completely. Door slammed in my face, very child like yet hurtful behavior, and that's why it hurts. If he was a grown man, we could have ended it like adults without a silent treatment. So cold.