Dumped after 10 years, he's with someone else already

[daphs]

Hello,

 

I would really like it if you guys could help me get some insight into what I'm going through.

 

My ex and I were together for 10 years, when we started dating I was 20, he was 32, we've worked together all the time.

 

Though our relationship had it's ups and downs, I would never say it was a bad one, I had wanted us to get married since year 4 of our relationship, be he never budged, first it was too soon, then money issues, then he wasn't sure we were the right fit because we argued too much (his words). Yes we did argued over work stuff, but never about personal issues; the thing is, he took those arguments very hardly, he used to completely shut me out and even ignore me for a few days until he had cooled anough, one time, he just got out of the car and walked away in the middle of traffic, which was insane, the argument wasn't even that bad.

 

Anyway, he was very close to my family too, really close, and so I just kept hanging in there, hoping one day he would make up his mind and we would get married, last december we even talked about buying a house for our future, things seemed fine.

 

Then on march we had another work related argument and he broke it off, for like a week and then got back together on the day of our 10th anniversary.

 

I tried to work on making things better, even started a journal to make sure we weren't indeed fighting too much, and we actually didn't for 3 months, then on the last week of june, we had a petty argument again, work stuff, and he had some sort of panic attack, he threw himself on the floor like some baby and kept saying to himself he couldn't stand this anymore, then calmed down, kissed me and said he needed to cool off, that night he sent a text saying that just because we had a fight didn't mean he stopped loving me.

Three days later he wasn't taking my calls or replying my texts, and then he texted me to say we shouldn't do this anymore, the broke up with me for good.

 

It was incredibly hard, I did the typical begging and pleading to no avail, he said he loved me but just not enought to put in the effort, he said there was no one else and wouldn't be on a relationship for a long time, and that if he did, he would tell me.

Two weeks went by and I stumbled upon some pictures on my laptop, which was synced to his iphone, he was with some woman and two little girls, and then the same woman with him at his parents house on his birthday (two weeks after our breakup). I was furious, told him he had lied to me, and he denied the relationship, said she was his best friends sister (she is) and that his buddy was there too (lie), said she was just some random person, meant nothing. Still it was too hard for me, I said I would leave work (we're business parteners now) and he seemed devastated, sobbed like a baby. I cleaned up my office and tried to say goodbye to him, it was pretty late and we were the only two left there, he then got really emotional, asking me to just take a few days off and think about it, he didn't wanted me to leave, he cried again, and then he started to hold me, he pulled me to his lap, kissed me and we ended up having sex, then I picked up my stuff and left, agreeing to just taking some time off.

 

I was so heartbroken, how could he get involved with someone that fast after me, we were together for 10 bloody years.

 

Now this was three weeks ago, I still have two weeks left before going back to work and see him again, through out this time he has texted me saying he hopes I have a lovely day, or afternoon or whatever, sending me hugs and an emoticon of a kiss.

 

The thing is his iphone is still synced to my laptop and I keep seeing pics of him with this woman and her two daughters (she's recently separated), and today I got an email that she sent him, in which she's letting him now how things are with her ex husband regarding child support and custody arrangements. My heart sinked! are they really that serious? Does it seem like they might be moving towards living together or getting married?

Also, this whole thing seems way to convenient for her, she's recently without a husband, with two kids and along comes a dude with his own business, makes good money and seems to like her, I'm pretty sure she's in it for the money, but he never seemed so stupid so idk.

Also, it turns out, they were an item before he met me, and she dumped him for the guy she ended up getting married to, 8 months later he met me, I feel like the whole relationship was a major lie, and now that she's available again, he couldn't wait to get rid of me

 

Please help, I need someone else's point of view.

 

I'm sorry it's so long, it's just I needed to get it all out.

[54JA]

Please correct me if I got this wrong. So far, the immediate causes of your break up was that you two frequently argued over the work-related issues and the fact that he did not want to marry you? I say "immediate causes" because often times there are underlining problems that can be brought to the surface with some triggering events, like arguing.

 

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine what it's like to end something that was a decade long! It was hard for me to deal with the end of a relationship that lasted for less than 5 years, but 10 years!!

 

I can only imagine that your head must be spinning with the sudden loss and so many changes in your life. When I say changes, I mean the way you feel about things around you. After a break up, seeing something as simple as a towel (that he used) can cause you pain. The world suddenly becomes a totally different place, cold and daunting. This is a huge change, a painful change, in your life, and a lot to process. So please be patient and kind to yourself. I hate to tell you this, but you do have a long road ahead, asking questions, seeking answers, etc. It will be tough especially not only because the relationship lasted for 10 years, but also because you two work together. So, take things slow. You don't have to process everything all at the same time. Focus on the most basic things, like getting up and getting ready. In time, you will be able to handle a lot more, like asking tough questions.

 

Hang in there.

[Ronni_W]

daphs,

It could be, possibly, perhaps that they are just friends and he has as well been "using" her in a way to distract himself from the break-up with you.

HOWEVER. Do not count on that. You will have to tell him that you have more information because of the sync-up between his phone and your 'puter. In any case, you ought change that set-up...for your own heart's sake.

 

He's already said that he doesn't love you enough to put in the effort to make your relationship work. Hear him and listen to him about that.

 

You obviously cannot go total NC because of your business partnership. But, again for your own sake, limit future conversations/discussions to business. If necessary, start whatever legal proceedings for one of you to buy-out the other.

I do know of couples who have been able to maintain their professional partnerships while each gets on with their individual personal life, dating and such...but emotionally and mentally that can be really, really taxing.

 

I am sorry that things have turned out this way for you. Hugs.

[daphs]

Thank you so much for your reply guys.

 

5J4A:

Those were our biggest issues, towards the end he would create arguments out of nowhere, or accuse me of causing fights when I was just trying to talk.

There were two more issues he had, one was that he said I had no relationship with his family, which is not entirely true, it may not have been close like his was with mine, but that was cause his sister despised me. Still I cared very much about them and saw them about once every month.

The other one was the with time our sex life became a little sparse, I know that's entirely on me, but with the years I didn't felt as interested in sex as he did, plus I think I resented him a bit cause of the marriage thing.

 

Ronni_W:

I'm doing my best to move on, but the thing with this woman has hurt me so much, I did asked him about a week ago, and he said he had feelings for her, like some sort of crush so it's been extra hard. It bothers me so much that he want back to her so fast, as if I had been some sort of extra long rebound.

[Zeurich]

So sorry can imagine the pain. I can understand whole your feelings. But take it easy don't rush for anything. I have feeling if he was cheating you with that woman does he let his Iphone to sync with your laptop? Cannot that be just a friend or that woman behind your man for money?

Working together and maintaining a relationship is hard. Working stress cause lot of troubles. Take it slow think clearly. Don't jump for conclusions yet.Best of luck dear!

[Zahara]

I have to wonder if he was seeing her behind your back.

 

Question is, what do you want to do about a man that hasn't been able to commit to you in the way you want for the past 10 years. Regardless of this woman, going back to work with him and accepting his stupid hugs and emoticons is giving him the message that you may be available to him.

 

Put the woman aside. First things first. Are you ready to really end it with him?

[CDRdelta]

I've just ended my relationship of nearly 4 years and I've turned to a handful of people to help get me through it. One in particular is a woman I've been friends with for years and she's going through her own relationship troubles that I've been helping her with too.

 

I've no interest in her romantically speaking but rather it's been good to talk to someone going through similar problems. It's possible he is looking for someone to talk to or distract himself from the situation at hand.

 

I will say that working together is bound to have put pressure on your relationship and that maybe if you weren't working together it might be easier.

 

I'll second Zahara's comments, though, as ten years in you'd want someone who is ready to spend the rest of their life with you. And if you reply to his messages when you should be taking time to think, maybe he'll believe that everything is ok?

 

I'd also suggest going to couples counselling as it could provide a much more neutral ground to talk about your problems.

[BC1980]

The other woman gave him an escape route, but he obviously wasn't going to commit anyway. At least, he wasn't going to commit to marry you. He stayed around until another option presented itself. It's really hard to accept that, but it's the truth. Many people have been involved in this same type of relationship, myself included. You keep thinking the person will change and commit, but they don't change.

[daphs]

Hello again.

 

Yes I know that I shouldn't want him anymore. After all this time, the fact that he flat out refused to marry me many times, and then sent mixed messages about our future, should be enough for me to not want him, but still, everything else was kinda wonderful in the relationship, we did got along pretty great and I love him so very much

 

He claims he didn't went behind my back while we were still together, but it still feels like betrayal, at least on an emotional level, and that's what's hurting me most, again, it feels like I was some sort of long rebound.

 

Thank you so much for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through a hard time.

[Zahara]

Hello again.

 

Yes I know that I shouldn't want him anymore. After all this time, the fact that he flat out refused to marry me many times, and then sent mixed messages about our future, should be enough for me to not want him, but still, everything else was kinda wonderful in the relationship, we did got along pretty great and I love him so very much

 

I have to question you on that. The fact that you mentioned how he behaves when you both fight is already telling me he's a passive aggresive individual. And there's nothing wonderful about dealing with people like that. You said since year 4 you have wanted to be married and I can't believe that the weight and issues had no negative effect on the relationship.

 

If you can live with him not wanting to commit to you the way you need him too, then love should be enough. You can't have both if he's not willing to give it to you. At 30, you should not be sacrificing your life because you have to settle.

 

He claims he didn't went behind my back while we were still together, but it still feels like betrayal, at least on an emotional level, and that's what's hurting me most, again, it feels like I was some sort of long rebound.

 

Of course he has to tell you he wasn't going behind you back.

[messymichelle]

I am sorry that your going through this, your story is similar to mine, was with him for ten years, 2 kids (not married), joined business, he was close to my family.

Same as you, another woman on the scene after (found out later that was during the end of us )a short amount of time.

Anyway i took a month off from the business, went threw some horrible nights and days, while all over social media he was having a ball !!!

I sought advice from the four corners of the earth trying to find a way back because i loved him, each person i spoke to told me to let him be.

Its hard to hear i know but he wont commit, petty agruments over work etc. and then a panic attack to finish it off,and then another woman appears on the scene,

Maybe some sort of mid life crisis ?? i dont know, but what i do know is, i made him buy me out, i had lc (would of liked nc!) , of course the excuses come "just a friend, i think i have feelings, im confused, give me time ect"

i came on hear and the support i recieved was incredible above all it was humbling to know that i wasnt the only one going threw it,

All i can say to you is give yourself a break, take some time for you, switch off your phone go away for a few days clear your head, dont contact or respond to him at all, time will heal i promise you that

[freetolove]

Delete access to his phone and begin healing. I know it's not easy but NC will help.

[54JA]

Unlike you, I did not want to marry my ex, so I am not sure if what I say here will help you, but here it goes.

 

What really helped push me to move on was the presence of the other woman. He had already met her towards the very end of our relationship. They were definitely talking to each other behind my back. He said she was the sister of his friend. He married her within the year after we broke up. It did not hurt me much, just annoyed that I found out about it when I broke NC. I just felt really stupid. 12 years later, I am just happy that I did not end up with him.

 

We broke up many times during our relationship. The worst was when he hit on my former co-worker in front of me. He told me that he had feelings for her, so we ended it. This was the worst break up (the same guy) period for me. I said I needed time, tried NC but couldn't maintain it. He said he wanted me back (probably because she did not want him), but I was not ready. Deep down inside, I wanted to punish him for what he did, yet I was not strong enough to let him go. Because of him having the wondering eye, and that he was not career/school oriented (no plan for education or career), and that he was extremely insecure with himself, I really knew I needed to get out, but I just couldn't. I still went back to him after a few months.

 

But in the end, when he met his current wife, it was a blessing for me. I now had no excuse for sticking around, and in a way, I felt relieved. Our relationship was like a beat up used car. There is only so much repairing can do. Repairs cost too much, but led nowhere. It wasn't salvageable.

 

I kinda went off tangent, but I hope that the knowledge that he is seeing another woman can finally give you the push to get out and move on. Sounds to me that, like others have said, him arguing over small things, walking out, crying, and having a panic attack do not suggest he is a stable man. Hope you are feeling better.

[BC1980]

Those were our biggest issues, towards the end he would create arguments out of nowhere, or accuse me of causing fights when I was just trying to talk.

There were two more issues he had, one was that he said I had no relationship with his family, which is not entirely true, it may not have been close like his was with mine, but that was cause his sister despised me. Still I cared very much about them and saw them about once every month.

The other one was the with time our sex life became a little sparse, I know that's entirely on me, but with the years I didn't felt as interested in sex as he did, plus I think I resented him a bit cause of the marriage thing.

 

I think you have to consider that he may have been, at least subconsciously, trying to sabatoge the relationship if he was picking fights. At the very least, his behavior doesn't suggest that he wanted the relationship to evolved or grow.

 

The family thing isn't uncommon, so I don't buy that as a real reason he broke up with you. At most, I would say that was a peripheral issue that just got piled onto the other problems.

 

The sex issue was probably big, but you can't take that all on yourself.

 

I don't blame you for resenting him regarding marriage, but you have to ask yourself why you would stay with someone for so long when he refused to marry you. If you really want marriage with someone, you deserve someone who can give you that. I can name 4 people right now who have been in that situation- LTR where the guy won't marry the woman, but the woman sticks around and banks on a dream that isn't going to come true. That's a classic scenario, and it seems like the one that doesn't want marriage is just sort of coasting along due to habit of being with the person. But when something else presents itself (in this case, another woman), the person is out the door. He was able to move on so quickly because he wasn't as invested as you and probably hasn't been for awhile.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but I would go NC. I would completely ignore this guy and move. Honestly, you should have moved on years ago, but I know that's easier said than done.

[SoThatHappened]

daphs,

 

I'm in agreement with pretty much everything that has been posted.

 

Instead of trying to analyze, I'd like to just tell you this:

 

I immediately jumped into a relationship with someone after I broke up with a long-term ex (we knew each other 17 years).

 

It was a mistake.

[daphs]

Thanks again for all the imput, it means the world to me right now.

 

These weeks in which I haven't been around him, have helped me see that even though I love him, if I were to change jobs and genuinly cut him off of my life, in time I would be able to move on... in time of course, a long time I reckon. So I'll try to see how things go once I go back to work, if it's too much, I'll have to start looking for the right alternative.

 

Something totally gross happened to me today, I met up with a girl friend for coffee at the mall, and we got to talk for hours so I felt really good, once we said our goodbyes I started to walk through the mall towards the parking lot, and a cute guy was walking a little ahead of me, he noticed me, said hi and smiled, he seemed nice so I said hi back, thinking 'hey I might as well try to see whats out there'. We started to walk together and he introduced himself, told me were he worked and that he would love to take me out some time, I said maybe cause I don't know you... we continued to make small talk on the way to the parking lot and when I said bye and was ready for him to ask for my number he tried to force me to kiss him! WTF! it was so gross, it just made me want to run back to my ex this sucks.

Edited August 20, 2014 by daphs

[Ronni_W]

He claims he didn't went behind my back while we were still together, but it still feels like betrayal, at least on an emotional level, and that's what's hurting me most, again, it feels like I was some sort of long rebound.

daphs,

Your 10-year long relationship stands on its own; as does your business partnership.

 

To my mind, there is no such thing as a 10-year long "rebound"...even if it started out that way, it long ago morphed into something real and true unto itself.

 

BTW, I was in a 10-year long, very loving and wonderful relationship that started out, for me, as a potential rebound. That is, when I got involved I knew that it was "too soon" according to all professionals, books, friends and enemies...but it never really felt like a "rebound" to me, and even if I don't now remember it accurately, it most certainly was not "just a rebound" for very long (if at all, like I said).

 

I hope things are going okay for you. Hang in there.

[daphs]

So we talked today because I'm an idiot.

 

Ok so here's what happened, I found out he called my niece who's 13, and is very close to him, among other things he told her he missed me, which was nice but not important, the thing is he told her that she should go with him on some kind of trip, she wasn't sure what he meant, so I called to ask him to please stay the hell away from her, the thought of her with him and his new little family made my stomach turn.

 

So, he said of course not blah blah blah, we talked about me going back to the office next week and I asked him to please clarify how things happened with his new girlfriend, so I would make an informed decision.

Interesting points:

 

• He's very spiritual, and he had been praying for months, asking God to send him some sign that he should stay with me or not, and then a few days after we had our last fight he ran into her, who told him she'd been thinking about him for months and had wanted to contact him but didn't knew how. So basically he says he thinks God sent her to him.
   
  
• Still, though he thinks he's in love with her, he doesn't feel as strongly for her as he did for me when we began, and he's concerned that that's as much as he's gonna feel.
   
  
• He's worried then when I go back to the office he won't be able to keep himself from doing something innapropriate with me, cause he's so used to being with me.
   
  
• He still has many many feelings for me, and is hurting even though he's with her.
   
  
• They've had a few fights cause he's called her by my name (TAKE IT BITCH!)
   
  
• He does miss me, and I sound very different, much more confident, much more calmer.
   
  
• Said goodbye and said even though it was out of line, he sent me a kiss.
  

 

I had hoped he'd come back, so idk what to make of this, or maybe I'm still being delusional.

[BC1980]

No, it's over, and he wasn't as committed as you anyway. If he hasn't married you in 10 years, it's a dead end. You don't see it now, but he did you a favor. He freed you up to meet someone who can actually give you what you want. I know it's really difficult, and I'm sorry. All of the stuff you posted above is typical dumper stuff. Of course, he's going to miss you, and there is still an attraction. He's not the first to want to get laid by an ex. All of that is noise.

 

Also, is it possible to get a new job? You need to physically remove yourself from him to move on right now.

[lil hoodlum]

Asking your 13 year old neice on a trip? What are freaking scumball!

 

 

Do yourself a favor and ditch this loser!

[BC1980]

Asking your 13 year old neice on a trip? What are freaking scumball!

 

 

Do yourself a favor and ditch this loser!

 

I thought that was shady too. A grown man should not be on a trip with a 13 year old girl unless he's her father.

[daphs]

Thank you again guys, I know I should just move on, but I had hoped the ten years of our relationship actually meant something.

 

I feel like I should be in a better place right now, it's been almost two months and my heart breaks every time I think about him with her, I feel like it diminishes everything I thought we had, it makes everything I believed in and held dear to my hear complete and utter BS.

 

About work, my therapist has advised me against it, he believes I have earned my place, and I shouldn't have to work away empty handed.

 

YES! He is a scumbag for what he said to my niece, though she kinda looks up to him as a father figure, it's still not ok.

[daphs]

So, I get it now, it's over. He told me he hadn't loved me for years and now loves her.

 

I feel so completely shattered, I thought by now I'd be able to handle this better, but I'm just so broken, I feel like my entire world is absolutely worhtless.

 

I'm sorry for ranting, but maybe you guys understand what I feel, it's like all those years and all the love I gave him meant absolutely nothing, or is diminished to a 'learning experience', I'm worried I won't be able to do this anymore and I hate that he's happily in love again while I feel like I'm slowly dying.